2554: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Four, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

All right, time to finish up chapter twenty-four with yet more thrilling shopping!  Honestly, it’s weird that the fic has had so many chapters where the party stops to do some shopping.  Crunchy, hit us with that unhelpful recap!

“Machinational machinery malfunctions, token equine inclusions, and looming immobile murderous marauders.”

Ah, sweet poetic nonsense.  Let’s get cracking!

Read the rest of this entry »


2549: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Four, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Busy week for me this week, so we’re going to go short on the introductions today.  Crunchy!

“We replaced the Sue’s usual morning magic with a mixture of salt and chalk.  Let us see if she notices.”

Good enough, onward!

Read the rest of this entry »


2544: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Four, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Whew, so only one more interlude to go, which means we can settle in for five chapters of game-mechanic regurgitation!  Aren’t you excited!?

“I despise you.”

I’ll take that as a yes.  So, what happened last week?

“Link now detests Ashei because of Impa being her parent, though, unfortunately, that hatred seems to have had little impact on their relationship.  Also, love and lust are different things and none but our protagonists can tell the difference.”

Sounds about right, let’s hit the desert!

Disclaimer: Disney owns Star Wars, not me.

Still not true when this was written.

As for Zelda… no, sorry. Don’t own that either. (Not a bad turnout at E3 though…)

“Which is exceedingly important information to include when disclaiming.”

As I said before, if you’re going to be pointless and include a disclaimer, you may as well go the whole way and also be insipid.

“I am not convinced that it counts as an improvement.”

Finally dragged myself away from my audiobooks… now we should be getting somewhere!

Really?  At long last?  It only took twenty-four chapters for you to decide to have a point!?

Gerudo Desert, here we come!

“One wonders if Vikki will actually make it that far in this chapter.”

By the looks of the chapter names after this one, it seems she actually will.  Probably.  We’ll be spending basically the rest of the fic in Gerudo, so be prepared for that.

“Six chapters set in a blank, featureless wasteland?  I believe Vikki will finally be in her element as an author.”

Read the rest of this entry »


2538: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Three, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz *SNERK*

*Taco sits bolt upright*

Whazza?  How long was I out?  *Checks his phone* A week!?  Oh, this damn boring fic.  Crunchy!

*Crunchy’s eyelids slide open and he straightens his neck from resting position.*  “Hmm.  Wednesday already?”

Already?

“When you reach my age, you will learn the importance of napping.”

Dude, a week is closer to a coma.

“When you reach my age, you will learn the importance of limited duration comas.”

Whatever, what happened last week?

“Discussion, reiteration, bathing,” *Crunchy picks up a piece of paper which was left on the desk* “and apparently ‘the girls’ were placed in confinement.”

Fabulous, let’s finish this chapter off.  It’s the second-to-last interlude chapter, so hopefully we’ll only have to suffer through this level of meandering pointlessness one more time.

“The typical level of meandering pointlessness will remain, yes?”

Sadly, this is true.

Read the rest of this entry »


2531: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Three, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hello and welcome back to chapter twenty-three: Revelations, emotional manipulation edition.  Everyone get your safety padding on because you’re about to get worked over by the rod of feelings.  I have Crunchy already on deck in case you were fortunate enough to have missed last week and need help getting up to speed.

“Girl talk followed by the revelation that we most dearly cherish those things which we cannot bear to have associated with us.  Additionally, magic is objectively not worth practicing due to the scheduling requirements.”

Very informative, let’s get back into this pile so that we can watch the tepid adventurers discuss Ashei’s parents.

Obi-Wan was laughing as she entered the kitchen at some joke that was likely either Anakin’s or at Anakin’s expense, and his eyes flickered to Ashei as she walked in.

Shit, she’s here, act casual!

He noticed her thoughtful expression and quirked a curious eyebrow in question, reminding her of the thing she’d wanted to ask him.

“Ashei.”

She turned towards the sound, a bit surprised that it hadn’t come from Obi-Wan. She blinked in surprise.

“Jedi think it far more amusing to throw their voices than it in fact is.”

Read the rest of this entry »


2525: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Three, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Here we are, people, the chapter everyone has been waiting for: the chapter entirely dedicated to exposition on the Pointless Sue’s backstory.  I’m sure you’re all as excited as I am.  Want to hit us with that sweet, sweet recap action, Crunchy?

“Absolutely.”  *Crunchy starts to pull out a djembe and four action figures*

Okay, I think we get the idea.

“Blast!  Though I believe you owe us a set of predictions for this chapter, yes?”

Yup, I’ve spent about four minutes thinking about this, so I’d like to present the following as my predictions for what we get dropped in this chapter.

  • Ashei is Auru’s daughter which was kept a secret because reasons.
    • Bonus points for the reasons being stupid and basically come down to a mixture of douchebandonment and keeping a secret just so that there’s a secret.
    • Double bonus if she’s the product of an affair between Auru and the Queen or, more likely, some kind of suddenly existing queen’s sister or some similar nonsense.
      • It’s almost certainly going to be Impa, but I’m waiting for the royal blood tie-in.
  • The words “Last Hope” are used at least once.
  • Auru is unironically described as ‘giving a sad look.’
  • Ashei is some kind of special child who joins both the Force and Hyrulian magic in some kind of bullshit way.
    • Redemption bonus if Ashei is a genetically engineered magical soldier created from the royal family’s DNA.
  • Unfortunately it turned out that Impa knew all along
  • Ashei is described as the default inheriter of the throne if something were to happen to Zelda.
    • Hyper bonus if Ashei is unironically described as a backup princess of legend.
  • Ashei is told about some other dormant power(s) she’s supposed to have.
  • The words “coming of age” are used to describe her suddenly blossoming into a Sue.
  • Her relationship with Link was foretold by legend somehow.
  • Ashei is the princess in the legend and not Zelda.
  • Super Mega Bonus Prediction: Ashei is described as a Sage who gets to stay in Hyrule.

“You truly think all those things will be in this chapter?”

Eh, some of those are more flippant than others, I’d consider it a win if even half of them were in the chapter.

“And by ‘win’ you mean ‘horrible loss,’ yes?”

Yep.  Let’s get cracking!

Read the rest of this entry »


2520: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part Four

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Whew, here we are, the last part of the herculean chapter twenty-two.  Finally.  No reason to beat about the bush this week, so hit us with that recap action, Crunchy!

“The dead yachting continues unabated despite the horrific collisions, the whelp admits connections to the dark side while investigators examine claims of inappropriate personal protective equipment, and the construction of a new bridge was started today amid cries that damage to the historical architecture is likely.”

Gloriously obtuse.  Let’s dig in!

Read the rest of this entry »