Title: No One in this World is Perfect
Author: Draco Malfoy is Blonde
Topic: Harry Potter / The Great Gatsby
URL: No One in this World is Perfect
Critiqued by Addicted Reader
::Addicted Reader wanders absent-mindedly into the Riffing Room::
Oh, there are Patrons here! I guess I should do a riff. Hold on, let me go find something.
::starts rummaging through ff.net::
Well, last time we were in the Harry Potter crossover section, specifically the bottom of the list where the canons with exactly one crossover story are listed. Let’s keep looking there.
::scrolls for a while::
Oh, Great Gatsby! That must be that odd little underwear fic from a while ago.
Huh, it’s something else.
::spends a while clicking links and mumbling something about dashes and underscores::
Ok, so there are two listings for “Great Gatsby” under HP crossover. There are four fics, including the underwear one, under one listing and just this one under the other. The fic is short and the summary presents a premise worth looking at, so here goes:
Short conversation between Jay Gatsby and Severus Snape; because women are fickle or dead. (Gatsby didn’t die.)
X as Lasagna Counter: 3
”You’re on a ship, in space” Counter: 14
Cain: Welcome back to… well, I don’t even need to say anything by now. The continued existence of this fic speaks for itself. Today, I’m riffing on my own (except for Monitor, but he’s always here), as everyone else is off doing other things to ensure the continued existence of the Gemini. I, meanwhile, have to continue riffing this fic, or the Library may kick us out. *Cracks knuckles* Oh, I needed that. Let’s begin.
Title: Spyro the Hedgehog Hearts Sun Bros. Brawl (a.k.a. element)
Media: Video Game(s)
Topic: …A lot of them
Genre: I dunno, “Clusterfuck?”
Critiqued by SC and Sports Shades
As you can see, this fic leaves little in the way of me taking it seriously.
Sports Shades: No kidding.
…By the way, I was gonna have your evil twin be here so I could put that whole deal to bed, but he never showed up.
Sports Shades: Oh, you mean that guy?
*Sports Shades points to a thoroughly eviscerated corpse*
Sports Shades: Yeah, he bumped into me on the way here and made the mistake of challenging me to a duel because he thought I besmirched his honor. That didn’t go so hot for him.
…Well, nuts to that plan, then.
Hello, loverly Patrons!
I’m here with a new fic! “New” being a relative term, as it was published way back in the mists of 2003. It comes to us from the Nightmare Before Christmas section, an area we’ve had experience with before so I don’t need to do a SC-style infodump. Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
BARREL’S IS UP!.oOFinally Anyway remeber this is Lock, Shock and Barrel’s past live. RR :D Rateing went up cause of Cursing….ON WITH THE SHOW!
You can probably guess why this fic attracted my attention, it’s just waving all kinds of red flags. And I checked the fic’s rating; it’s listed as T, so I don’t expect too many naughty words in this fic. That’ll be a nice change.
To the fic!
Miyuki: YAY!!!!! MY FIRST NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS FANFIC!!!!!! ::throws confetti::
There’s a chatty Author’s Note at the beginning. Yay.
ahem, anyway, I have decided to……write….THE ORIGINS OF LOCK, SHOCK, AND BARREL!!!!!
Huh. In theory, this would be an excellent idea. The three trick-o-treaters are secondary characters who aren’t explored in any great detail, so they are ripe for the picking.
This is NOT, I repeat NOT historically accurate,
it was just a background for the fic so, do not complain!!!
Title: Subject 23: Cryonics
Author: The Eezoman
Media: Video Games
Topic: Mass Effect
URL: Subject 23: Cryonics: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello ladies and jellyspoons, and welcome back for more Subject 23. I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and…
Well, really, what else would you be here for? Shitty writing, shitty characters… and both are par for course in Subject 23, ain’t they?
So without further ado, let’s jump back into this festering pile of sequelitis, shall we? We’ve still got a hell of a story to finish!
Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
URL: Heroes and Villains
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza
Heyo, patrons! Some news for you all: in a strange turn of events, the FF.net posting of ‘Heroes and Villains’ vanished shortly after I finished writing last-week’s riff. I’d like to take credit, but, honestly, it’s far more likely that he just went back, read it, and pulled it down as an old shame or as something that doesn’t remotely fit in with established canon.
See, there otherwise hasn’t been any activity on his account for almost nine months, so who knows what’s going on with him right now.
“Regardless, you actually remembered to make a copy this time, didn’t you?”
That I did, so the destruction of ‘Heroes and Villains’ will continue unabated. So, if you are reading this, Igor: sorry, dude. Along those lines though, unfortunately the formatting of the fic was lost when I made the plain-text backup of it. That means Ike will be sitting the rest of the riffs out.
*Ike stomps angrily out of the room*
“I feel bad for the little guy.”
I think Ghostie was riffing something that he can sink his teeth into, so I wouldn’t worry too much for him.
“Recap! Last time Elsa finally arrived at Willow’s volcano lair and promptly had a meeting with Willow. The short version of which was that we all finally learned what Willow’s organization does!”
Title: X-Com: Mass Effect
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect/XCOM
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: So, time for more weird ass, tranhumanist, humanity takes over the galaxy, ubermensch power fantasy?
Nora: You know it!
Ert: Goodie. So when we last left off, Turians decided to go on vacation in uncharted territory, which as it turns out is a bit like having a picnic in Somalia and as equally as advisable. Liara also went on there because she had caught the stupid virus, and since Shepard was, out of nowhere and with the grace of a horny teenager, established as being biesexual, I can already tell where this is going. Oh, and the author started shoving insufferably specific numbers down our throat, ones that even Vulcans would call anal.
Goeth: Moving on!
“Sir, the alien vessels have noticed us and are heading towards us. Spirits they’re fast. 26 units per tick (5,486 Kilometers) and rising” Primus reports to Victus as he keeps track of the alien ships heading towards them.
Goeth: So, out of curiosity, we did some research (Something the author never did) and we can’t find anything on “units”. We found nothing. Closest was the astronomical unit, the distance between Earth and the Sun. And seeing as how that clocked in at 150 million kilometers, it’s safe to say that this unit is something that the author just made up.
Nora: We went the extra mile and checked the Mass Effect wik. Nothing. Not a huge surprise though, Bioware would’ve come up with a more original and descriptive name than unit. Seriously, that’s so generic that making it identify something specific is a waste of time.
Victus nods at the information “Helm, as soon as they get within 40 units (8,440 kilometers) bring us to a dead stop”
Ert: This is probably going to kill me, but…fuck it. Starting now. These numbers are so obtuse, annoying and pretentious, that they deserved to be cataloged. A ding every time an author shoves numbers down our throat in an attempt to show off how smart he is, despite it adding nothing to the story. Starting now.