—CONTAINS VAGUE MENTIONS OF SEX—
Hello once again, my dear Patrons.
I was sorting through my pile and decided to dust off a fic from an author who brought us the most … “unique” zombie outbreak I’ve ever seen – it’s the one in which the zombie contagion was caused by an infectious explosion. This particular author has written numerous Smurfs fics that all star the same protagonist, an OC green Smurf Stu called Chernov who does all manner of implausible badassery. I assume this fic will follow the same pattern.
Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
An OC smurfette thought her boyfriend wasn’t satisfied with sex, so she decided to use a commodity offered by Papa Smurf to fix the problem.
Huh. Maybe Chernov isn’t in this one and there’s going to be a female OC instead. Unless the boyfriend is Chernov. That also seems likely.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters that were created by someone else
Claimer: Go to my profile to view my characters
Right. I forgot the author includes these … things in front of every chapter.
It had been nearly two years, two years of an relationship that had been somewhat either successful or disastrous.
Thanks for that description that could apply to literally any relationship ever.
Long ago, the smurfs had met their sub-species of smurfs.
First it was the leader named Chernov Reznov, a 10 centimeter tall grass green smurf that wore camouflage and a head of brown hair.
Dammit. Chernov is in the fic. But why is he wearing a head of brown hair? Is he a headhunter and that’s one of his trophies?
Very lean, intelligent, ignorant, and most of all, one who prefers to be left alone.
Y’know, ignorance really isn’t a quality people look for in a leader. Well, unless you live in America. It seems like we can’t get enough of some dumbasses.
His half brothers and sisters, grass green smurfs and smurfettes, were more sociable and were more smurf-like.
Wait, the other green Smurfs are only his half-siblings? That doesn’t really jibe with what I know of Smurf procreation (once every blue moon a stork brings a new Smurf) but I guess these are going to be “special” Smurfs.
However, all green smurfs were more human in behavior than smurf.
So they’re all opinionated assholes?
Title: Nightmares in Wonderland
Media: Movie / Video Game
Topic: American McGee’s Alice / Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
URL: Nightmares in Wonderland
Critiqued by TacoMagic
Howdy-doodly do, patrons!
Last time we kinda sorta almost had something happen! This happening boils down to the voices in Alice’s head telling her to kill the candy maker so that she doesn’t fall in love. Because apparently love will open the way for the Queen of Hearts because she’s second in line for the throne. Because that’s how hereditary monarchies work. At the very end of the seventh chapter, Wonka finishes time traveling to the Victorian era and arrives at the asylum. And that was pretty well it.
Let’s see what we’ve got this week!
Chapter 8: Meet Your New Nightmare
Well, my worst nightmare is apparently Rambo, so maybe my new nightmare is Batman?
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the ‘fic that was at some point in the distant past known simply as Velocius et Fortius.
Previously, our good buddy the five-hundred-year-old female diplomat Nikita Chruscov of Russia Clan unloaded a whole lot of exposition we already read about in Chapter One to Councilor Tevos, including a conflict called ‘the Three Thousand Year War’ which has something-or-other to do with the abolition of slavery, something-else-or-other to do with that weird stoner religion everyone practices, and also somethinger-or-otherer to do with this ‘mercenary group’ called the Dark Stars and/or Dark Suns that has existed way back into history and has both Chruscov, Jane Shepard, and some other random ripoff Russian named Natasha Chekhov (yes, really) as high-ranking members.
The humans managed to get the batarians to leave the Citadel Council, which resulted in the batarians immediately raiding Elysium and the Council doing fuck-all to intervene on behalf of its most belligerent and annoying associate species (gosh, I wonder why?). This in turn gave Shepard the chance to run around and flare her biotics a bunch and cut batarians apart with dual katanas and chase somebody named Staysor Bgout onto a landing craft while Mordin Solus and some STG guys covertly observed. Oh yes, and Shepard came to Elysium to unwind after losing her squad on Akuze, which means ChaosSpartan575 is having the Sole Survivor and War Hero backgrounds happen to the same person back-to-back. And I’m sure he’s going to try to cram the Butcher of Torfan in there too.
Also, humans have ESP (they call it ‘battlesense’), and biotics have been around since the 14th century.
Oh yeah, and Balak is also around somewhere.
“Is it just me, or does all of that make, like, no sense at all?”
What do you mean, “who the hell are you?” I haven’t been gone that long, have I? I mean, really. How many other owls do you see around here?
Large Warship: Hoo!
Shush, you. *scritches L.W. behind the wings*
Perhaps today’s riff will jog some memories. Or cause some aneurysms.
Welcome back to the next chapter of “Betrayal,” a fic where logic is made up, and the plot doesn’t matter. Last time on this monstrosity of wutness, Sakura ran into Shikamaru and he joined her posse. That’s… it. That’s all that happened last chapter.
Title: A Thorned Rose
Media: Video Game
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by ME-Iron-Maiden
Damn, it’s been a while. This is a fic I snarked 4 years ago and I figure bringing it here would be a good way to get back in the game. Though this isn’t on the level of some of the badfics that have been here, it is going to spiral down quickly. Lazy writing, absolute lack of research, and piss-poor dialogue are the rules of the day here.
I present to you the “Rose Series” from the Mercenaries franchise.
*taps a keg of Guinness and breaks out the whiskey*
Let’s do this.
Title: Danny Fenton, the Ultimasaurus
Media: Movie/TV Show
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Danny Phantom
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another odd little offering from my crossover pile. Now, you may be asking yourself “What does a show about a crime-fighting ghost boy have to do with genetically engineered dinosaurs?”
To answer that hypothetical question, let us take a look at the summary.
What if instead of Danny getting ectoplasm merged with his DNA, it was dino DNA? Will he become a guardian? Or a menace to all life on Earth?
That didn’t really answer the question. Also, it would seem that making dinosaur-human hybrids seems to be a very popular theme in the Jurassic Park fandom.
The chapter starts off with an Author’s Note that is in bold, italics, and underlined.
This story idea came to me after seeing the trailer to Jurassic World, and after having just recently watched a portion of Jurassic Park.
So the author’s sum total of information about the Jurassic Park world and canon comes from one trailer and a bit of the first movie?
This should be interesting.
What if Danny didn’t get ghost powers, but instead ended up getting assorted Dinosaur DNA combined with his own?
I don’t really know how that would happen since his parents’ research is solely ghost-based, but maybe in this AU they are … Trying to open a portal into the Dinosaur Zone instead of the Ghost Zone? I don’t know.
This in turn would grant him the powers, and abilities of the most incredible creatures to ever walk the Earth!
…We are still talking about dinosaurs and not magical wish-granting leprechauns, right?
But these gifts would not come without some form of consequence. What is this consequence you may be asking? Read on, and find out!
Well, based on my knowledge of dinosaurs, most of their “abilities” and “powers” were physical properties that they possessed – the t. rex’s massive jaws, or stegosaurus’ impressive bony plates. Either Danny is going to be a crazy quilt of physical attributes, or he will have the ability to shape-shift between different species.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Danny Phantom, or Jurassic Park/Jurassic World!
Yeah, no kidding.
Italics = Thinking
Italic Underlined = Songs
Bold = Yelling
Hey, look; a formatting key! I haven’t seen one of those in a while.
Wait a second … Songs?!?
Title: The Right Partner
Topic: The Avengers (2012)
URL: Chapter 3 – https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8099046/3/The-Right-Partner
Critiqued by BatJamags
Hello once again, patrons! I’m you’re guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Right Partner, a thus-far forgettable Avengers fic, which pairs our Healer!Sue, Doctor Moneybags, with Captain America himself. They have about as much chemistry as my education (not much).