2433: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 2

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by The Librarian formerly known as Satan’s Teacup

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the next chapter of what will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride into Crazy Town. The first chapter’s ‘narration’ portion was largely an unmarked Author’s Note from dear ol’ JK for the most part, so here’s hoping there is some actual fic somewhere in this fic.

Harry and Hermione confront their problems…

Presumably these problems center completely on how they aren’t allowed to have sex with each other because the whole convoluted “cousins via godparent” thing caused by Harry’s godfather being the brother of Hermione’s father instead of them legitimately being related because their mothers were sisters.

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2432: Book of Digimon – Chapter Two

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*recording starts up*

Zeus: Hello again, we’re continuing the riff of “Book of Digimon.” To sum up the last two parts-a caricature of the Old Republic decided to send Barriss Office to the slave pens of Tatooine (despite knowing damn well what it’s like). Then two OC/Self Inserts came in, and somehow made the fic worse by not only including SWTOR references, along with being overpowered to the point that even Starkiller would’ve been reasonable, but there were implications that God was involved in the creation of the TRUE CODE of the Jedi. 

And there were Digimon, but when you screw up Star Wars to the degree of Bright, nobody really cares at that point.

Martinov: Not to mention that everyone was out of character. And a chump.

Svarti: And the less said about the light show, the better.

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2431: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros – Chapters Three and Four

Title: Kirby: Welcome to Smash Bros
Author: Quartz2006
Media: Video Game
Topic: Super Smash Bros.
Genre: Romance
URL: Chapter 3 and Chapter 4
Critiqued by Elysium16 and Rimura

Note from the Editor: As a way of apologizing to our guest writers for missing last Saturday, I’m ceding my Wednesday spot this week to do a little catch-up on the backlog.  I’ll be back next week with my own material.
-Taco

(The room from last time is no longer empty—it now has a wooden table with a Switch on it, a TV, and a dark red couch. On that couch is Elysium, with Rimura standing off to the side.)

Elysium: Welcome back, patrons!

Last time, in between lots of padding, Kirby was informed by his parents that he was going to Super Smash Bros., a revelation that triggered two DRD visits. This time is our first combined chapter, mostly because Chapter 3 is a whole lot of nothing.

Let’s go!

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2430: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which I’m pretty sure is up to its second war now or possibly even third  but I am very sure has something to do with Mass Effect.

Previously, thanks to a tip by some mustache-twirling batarians, the turians finally managed to track down the Migrant Fleet on Roof, and save said batarians from complete extermination at the hands of the quarians. The quarians, indignant over the interruption of their latest unprovoked mass murder of civilian targets, called in their human pals and tried to attack the turians. Again.

This actually went about as well as you would reasonably expect- to quote Ross Scott, shooting the cops in fact means they just send a lot more cops, and with literally thousands of turian ships pouring into the system the Alliance’s ass was resoundingly kicked. Turian troops even landed on Roof’s surface, but then the Alliance decided to use shitty knockoff orbital nukes to kill everyone– turians, quarians, human civilians, and whatever else- rather than allow filthy alien feet to desecrate their sacred soil.

Unsurprisingly, this left the Hierarchy more than a little pissed.

first_war_bb_8

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2429: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure – Chapter 2 Part 2 and Chapter 3 Part 1

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: Eclipse Pheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Major Wade

WARNING: THIS IS A EP FIC! EXPECT TRIGGERS AT SOME POINT!

Hello Patrons, and welcome back to another instalment of Trapped In 40k by Eclipse Pheniox! I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and joining me again as my special guest is Major Wade!

Heya!

Today, we cover the last bit of Chapter two, and the first half of Chapter three! We left off with the Inquisitor leaving the Chapel-Which-Is-Also-An-ER-Room-Which-Is-Also-A-Flower-Pot.

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2428: The Purple Queen – Chapters 21 (sort of) and 22

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 22
Critiqued by BatJamags

Kingdom of the Crystal Huntsman

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 147
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another chapter of The Red Queen. Last time, Sueby recruited a bunch of big elephant Grimm for no reason and nothing happened.

Chapter 21 was not an actual chapter, but rather a memorial message about the then-recent death of RWBY’s creator, Monty Oum. It’s actually reasonably well-written and it would be in poor taste for me to riff it. I only bring it up in case you’re wondering why we skipped a chapter.

While that’s a bit of a somber note, this fic is still bad and I’m still going to make fun of it. As such, let’s press on.

Endless. Pointless. Why was she still here? Why was she still sitting through this, despite more pressing, more urgent business being at her doorstep.

Switch those “she”s to “he”s, and you’ve got a good description of my experience reading this fic.

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2427: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 1

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat Satan’s Teacup

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, dear Patrons, and welcome to a brand new fic! I had sort of planned to start working on a long-ish Skyrim wankfic, but then changed my mind since I would have to cut it off for our annual Spooktober. You will sadly have to wait to read about the conflict between the Fempire and those rebellious Stormclits. Today’s fic is still a work in progress, as I’m writing this a fresh chapter has just been posted a few hours ago, so it is bound to get longer but I don’t mind breaking it up. Now, I don’t normally work of fics that are in-progress just by personal preference, but this one is just a very wibbly-wobbly ball of wack-assery that is practically the embodiment of an onion of failure.

Let’s take a look at the summary; which, for once, is not what drew me to the fic but still waves many red flags.

This is the truth about the first draft I’ve written about the characters of my Harry Potter stories and I would’ve preferred to publish every first draft instead of what is currently on the market so I will rewrite and refine the first drafts, to have the real genetics and the magical laws involved like how I prefer my stories to be realistic than fantasy.

First off – that is all one sentence. Yikes. Secondly, this is a series with physics-breaking magic happening on the regs yet the ‘real’ author of the series claims to prefer realism over fantasy.

Right.

And I seriously doubt any halfway decent author would ever claim that they wanted to publish their first drafts. First drafts are frickin’ nightmares. I also find it funny that the author claims to want to publish the first drafts, but in the same sentence says that they are going to “rewrite and refine” those first drafts – a process normally referred to as ‘editing’ which would make them no longer first drafts.

As you might be able to tell, the author claims repeatedly, both in the fic and in their bio, that they are the real JK Rowling. They will not shut up about how they are, for real and for true, the legitimate person known as JK Rowling. In fact, there are only two fics in their profile, this one and what is essentially a long Author’s Note claiming that they are the real JK Rowling among other rambling nonsense including the “fact” that there are special American police departments (and British Bobby departments) specifically set up to track down fanfic authors’ names and addresses so that the owners of the intellectual properties can send them cease and desist letters for not adhering to the canon pairings. Because that’s definitely something Generic Police Dept officers spend their time doing.

On to the fic! Which starts off with an Author’s Note.

AN: This is the real Joanne Kathleen Rowling, or known as J.K. Rowling, and yes I am the real deal and all.

Welp, I’m finally convinced. It’s not like total dumbasses can’t go around on completely anonymous sites like ff.net and claim to be whomever they want. I couldn’t, I don’t know, just change my username to Satan’s Teacup without the Internet Police checking to make sure I was, in fact, crockery owned by the devil.

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