2647: Jurassic Twilight – Chapter 2


Title: Jurassic Vampires
Author: twilightfanjm
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park/Twilight
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Family
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat




Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome back to another chapter of Jurassic Park/Twilight strangeness!

In the first chapter we met the protagonist, mushroom-possum Carlie, as she was literally pulled from her mother’s womb and then left for dead under a tree. Fast-forward nearly a century and she’s one of the head Science! Guys at Jurassic World, has a turkey-baster baby named Diego that she brings to the lab with her because reasons, and decided to give the Indominus Rex her super-special invulnerability and regeneration powers, because she’s an idiot.

Now, on with the fic!

Chapter 2: Weird


Did you not read the recap? I think we’re two train stops and a twenty dollar Uber ride past ‘weird’, honey.

Carlie’s POV


As much as I dislike POV Tags, I really dislike the pointless ones. Thus far the entire fic has been in first-person from Carlie’s perspective; if the fic is in first-person and that person’s identity doesn’t change, there’s no need to remind the audience that it is still the same person.

It had been weeks since the Indominus hatched and she she still scared me.

Did you just spend the entire time staring at each other? Don’t you have a baby to take care of?

She amazed and scared me at the same time. She had an unusual fixation on me.

That might be because you carry a smaller and more vulnerable prey item around with you.

Every time I saw her she would make eye contact with me and stare me down. It gave me the creeps.

Our fearless protagonist, ladles and gentlebeans.

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2646: The Life of Draven Uniferus – Chapter One

The Life of Draven Uniferus – Chapter One
Title: The Life of Draven Uniferus
Author: Miss Lilianae
Topic: BioShock
Media: Video Game
Genre: None given
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8741319
Critiqued By Crazy Minh and Ensign Jim Jimson

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest riffer for today, Crazy Minh, and joining me is my otherworldly helmsman, Ensign Jim Jimson!

A pleasure as always. 

I don’t think we need to go over BioShock again, but as a quick refresher: horror game set in an underwater city filled with insane, genetically modified drug addicts. This fic, however, fucks consistently with the established canon, and also touts a terribly named Gary Stu. Oh, and also there’s angst. Lots of it. 

Draven Uniferus, the common working man, makes his way to Rapture after hearing the rumours about the city. After entering the city he gets caught up in the civil war between Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine.

Uh…isn’t Fontaine assumed to be dead during the civil war? Didn’t Andrew Ryan ambush and kill a body double, while the real Fontaine assumed the identity of a freedom fighter?

Yes, which is just the first of the fuckups this fic makes with the canon. In addition, there’s another problem that we’ll get to in due time, but for now I’ll just get on with the chapter title and the obligatory disclaimer. 

Chapter 1: Introduction to Rapture

Disclaimer: I do not own Bioshock or any of the characters involved except Draven Uniferus

Putting the uselessness of a disclaimer aside, there are a lot of OC’s in this story. The author is therefore claiming possession of only one of the dozens of OC’s in this fic, and leaving the rest at the doorstep of 2K. That seems odd, considering how protective stufic authors are of their crappy OC’s. Or in some sad cases, other people’s crappy OC’s. Then there’s that fucking name.

To put it simply, the name “Draven Uniferus” just screams ‘Gary Stu’. I mean, who calls their child “Draven”?

I dunno man. I once knew a kid named Alpha. Their two other siblings were called ‘Beta’ and ‘Gamma’ respectively. In all fairness, their dad was a nuclear physicist.

But still, those names are actually pretty decent. “Draven Uniferus” is just plain dumb as a name. 

As Zeus Killer pointed out in the comments of the 9th Annual Sucktastic Awards, the name is the sort of thing someone would use as a placeholder until they come up with a name that doesn’t sound stupid. That still doesn’t excuse it from being a serious contender for next year’s Sucktastic award for the stupidest original name, since the author clearly continued to use it in the published version. I’d honestly like to believe that this is a placeholder name, because if the author truly thought that “Draven Uniferus” was a decent name for the character, I really think they should try a little harder next time.

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2645: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised – Day (Chapter) One

Title: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Author: Master Darth Warious – Lady of Chaos
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Lord of the Rings/Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Hot Mess
URL: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Heya, patrons!  Now that I’m caught up on all the guest riffs that were sent earlier this Summer, it’s time to dig into the fic I threatened you all with promised to riff back in October during the Spooptoberfest.  For those who need a refresher, I riffed a fic called A Sith’s Halloween, and I had questions.  Many, many questions.  So, to answer probably none of them, we’re now moving on to the parent fic of that one: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised.  At the time I said I really didn’t want to riff two Star Wars fics in a row, but this thing has forced my hand.

Now, since this is the revised edition, you might expect this to be a polished and refined version of the original.  You also might be new here, greetings!  You’ll find your information and flavor packet under your chair.  Try not to get them wet unless you’ve got a craving for noodles.  Regardless, I’m sure you’ll all come to agree that the original must have been a dumpster fire of epic proportions for the hot mess we’re about to riff to be the improved version.

I’ve also gone ahead and cut our usual Star Wars correspondent loose on this riff, both because I have a feeling this thing will have less to do with Star Wars than True Force did, but also because he tried to bite me in the face when I walked into his room to ask for help.

Anyway, enough stalling, let’s get this shit-storm on the road!  I’m sure that how idiom do, yes?

Summary first!

On request I have re-written this story in a different format and addded information.

Hypothesis:  “revised” may actually mean “twenty-five percent more d.”

Darth Maul, Darth Warious and Haldir of Lothlorien all end up on earth and have ‘adventures’ with a normal life. (Complete)

I’m sure you will all come to agree that ‘adventures’ absolutely deserves those quotation marks.

Onwards to the-

Two Sith Lords and an Elf

By Darth Warious

Disclaimer: I don’t own 4-H, Star Wars, LotR, or any of their characters. I do own the characters, Darth Warious, Commander Rogue Dragon, Lillian and Pegasus.

Oh, right.  One of those.

Wait, does that say “Commander Rogue Dragon”?  And why the hell are you disclaiming ownership of 4-H?

*Taco slowly slides the bottle of scotch off the shelf and sets it on the riffing desk.*

Trouble brewin’.

I suppose your gonna hit us with an author’s note now, right?

Huh, there isn’t one.  That almost never happens!  A moment.

*Quickly flips through the fic*

Well, look at that, there are author’s notes, but they are some of the least chatty and pointless I’ve seen in a long time and seem to always be placed as a footnote to the chapter.  If that lasts the entire fic, I may end up having to hand over a redemption cookie because this is one of the least bad implementations of authors notes I’ll have riffed.

Sadly, that may turn out to be the high-point of what we’re about to be subjected to.

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2644: First contact war and Delta Twosix — One-Shots

Title: First contact war
Author: Matty414
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1, Chapter 2
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! It seems like just yesterday that we were blundering around in Myst Effect before dipping ever-so-briefly back into First War, which is doubly odd because to me at least the segment of First War before Myst Effect felt like an interminable death march.

Regardless, it’s time for one-shots again, and I figured why not go for some non-Stumanity Mass Effect alternate-contact-war drivel? Here’s the inventively-titled First contact war by Matty414!

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2643: Hexed Wolf – Chapter 10, Part 2

Title: Hexed Wolf
Author: IrishSmurf
Media: Cartoon
Topic: Scooby-Doo!
Genre: Supernatural / Mystery
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by BatJamags

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of The Scooby-Sue Show. Last time, our edgy OC heroes and their peripheral sidekicks (also known as the actual canon protagonists) broke into the house of a dude who’s a werewolf. I think he wants to cause the apocalypse, except it has a stupid name. Almond Mecha or something.

Anyway, we pick up with Team Sue and Velma poking around the house.

Velma looked into the bare room. “Why would he keep a bare room locked up? I had gotten my hopes up.”

That’s where he puts all his bear hands.

“Whoa there Velma. Settle down.” Jaguar stepped forward and reached a hand out to the door. As it passed through the frame it disappeared.

And now apparently jaguar hands too.

“What the,”

“Just like I thought, it’s a trick.”

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