Hello, dear Patrons!
Welcome to another chapter of incomprehensible Portal fic which really hasn’t had much to do with the actual source materials it is allegedly based on. In the last chapter a bunch of stuff happened that was quite hard to follow, but can be condensed down into “The Sue appeared. Hijinks ensued.” The neurotoxin generator ran amok, there were lasers, and Chell;s wait was cut off but she got better thanks to the aforementioned Sue. The Sue in question, TSue, vanished into the Void at the end of the chapter, presumably going back to whatever headquarters she has because … I’m not really sure. She seemed mad about something, possibly because she was sent to destroy someone who had no frickin’ idea what was going on.
And now, on to the fic!
“There you are.
Which starts with random unattributed dialogue. Yay.
i hadn’t herd from you and when the power went out, i got worried” said the figure.
Hello, mysterious figure! Are you Mysterious Figure #1 or Mysterious Figure #2? Or perhaps you’re a completely different Mysterious Figure? And who could tell the difference? (Or even care at this point?) You could all be frickin’ Goombas for all the audience knows, but that would mean turning this fic into a crossover and don’t nobody want that.
“FUCKING SAVE IT! You are now under charges for tricking me into attempting to eliminate innocents for your personal gain!” said T.
So … If they hadn’t been completely ignorant then it would have been okay to murder them to death for personal gain? Or was it okay to kill them, as long as no one benefited from the deaths? I’m a bit confused.
And do you mean attempted murder charges with a dash of fraud thrown in for flavor? Because those are real crimes that people can be charged with, not that nonsense you spouted.
“Wait, what are you doing?!” asked the figure.
I have no idea. I don’t know where you’re supposed to be or even who you are. Goombas, maybe?
Title: I Will Survive
URL: I Will Survive – The Novelization
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello, hello, hello! I am Herr Wozzeck, and…
Yes. Believe it or not, a novelization of that comic exists in the world of Zootopia fanfiction. It exists, it is written by a fan, and judging by the fact it wound up on these shores, I think you see where this is going: it sucks just as much as the comic does. My faith in humanity is pretty nonexistent at this point for a reason, you know.
But hey! I guess since we looked at the webcomic, we better look at this too, eh?
So let’s get into it!
Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author: Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy
Welcome back, patrons! Sorry about missing last week, work got a little real and I ended up having to spend a few days traveling in order to pull a regional upgrade project together. That aside, we’re back at it this week starting with a chapter recap smoking hot off the griddle.
*Crunchy gingerly lifts a an oily, slightly browned, and still steaming sheaf of paper off the desk by its corner*
“You went to surprising lengths in order to execute this bit of humor.”
Well, go ahead and read it. You can eat it afterwards.
“Delighted. Last time our troupe of ineffectuals tormented a young goron for information then went clothes shopping.”
Sounds about right to me, off to the disclaimer and author’s note!
Disclaimer: I may or may not have said this before, but I believe that both Shigeru Miyamoto and George Lucas are MALE.
“Although entirely irrelevant to any kind of disclaiming, I am relatively sure they identify as such, yes.”
I am, as far as I know, FEMALE. You do the math.
Is… is she coming on to middle-aged producers of popular franchises?
“That is certainly a different tactic to disclaiming than is typical.”
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the enthusiastically-titled Halo: Reaching Out!
Previously the story teetered alarmingly close to adequacy when it revealed itself not to be a self-insert in the classical sense like its description claimed, but rather just a regular first-person story centered around Noble Six surviving his last stand at the end of Halo: Reach and trying to get off the planet.
Hey, I never said it was novel or in any way particularly interesting, just that it had no massive glaring defects. Aside from Six’s red-n-black
amour ARMOR and annoying tendency to spell out terms like “Heads’ Up Display” and “Designated Marksman Rifle” that anyone who’s been exposed to military science fiction or just video games in general for more than two seconds would already be familiar with.
Anyway, Six eventually managed to board a Phantom and befriend the pilot, the story’s designated Girl Elite Love Interest who immediately decided to rebel against the Covenant because the constant hundrum sexism of Sangheili culture (which is blamed on the Prophets for some reason) has left her So Numb She Can’t Hit Those Notes. And all this was glued together with a big fat blob of action filler, the TV-dinner mashed potatoes of Halo fanfiction. Let’s see if Chapter 2 manages to completely escape from the sucking pit of mediocrity, or does a nose-dive right back into it!
Title: Batman 1939: The Dangers of Being Cold
Author: Stewart M
Media: Comic Book
Genre: Can’t find one (there was a fanfiction upload at one point, but that seems to have disappeared), so let’s call it Mystery/Adventure
URL: Here you go
Recommended by BatJamags
“Oh, Bats is doing a Sunday Special? He must’ve finally gotten through the Backlog of Doom?”
Yeah, no. We’ve still got three more Shadow Warriors chunks and three more fics (all of which are long as balls) to clear before that happens (not to mention any seasonal riffs I break all that up with), assuming I don’t get any further during that time. I just wanted to inject a little positivity into the proceedings before we… proceed.
So, my new tradition (which I actually came up with in September but like hell am I going to go back and screw over the scheduling of my riffs that are already done to implement it) is that I’m going to recommend a good fic between each of my bad fics. Until I run out of good fics, which won’t take overwhelmingly long because I don’t read all that much fanfiction outside of what I do for the Library. But I’m hoping this’ll motivate me to find some more good ones.
Today’s recommendation is a Batman fic because I’m kind of extremely predictable like that. The premise of the fic is that Batman’s first outing as Batman was his real-world publication date of May, 1939, though characters introduced much later like Slade Wilson and Amanda Waller are also featured. The plot concerns a string of corpse thefts escalating into murder, which Batman traces back to a military base outside of Gotham. He’s forced to recruit Catwoman to help him break in and figure out what the corpses are being used for.
It features fantastically intricate worldbuilding, excellent pacing, gripping tension, awesome fight scenes (but not too many), and Amanda Waller being hilariously badass as usual. Also, lots of cutesy little references to stuff (mostly stuff that’s actually relevant to DC continuity, and even the external references are still fairly on-topic), which you could view as a good or bad thing depending on your point of view and how many of them you catch.
There are two sequels. The first one, which wasn’t finished when I read it, is actually a Wonder Woman crossover, but I don’t remember the plot very clearly. I haven’t seen the third and most recent installment at all.
Overall, the original in particular is easily the best fanfic I’ve ever read, and I can’t recommend it enough. I’ll see you guys next time with a considerably less well-written Batman fic.
[No post for today. Instead, here’s a thing that I wrote up and had nowhere to post, so I stuck it in the drafts here. I thought you guys might find it interesting since it involves writing and relates to some of my riffs (particularly The Shadow Warriors, which’ll be starting back up in about eight days), even though it’s not fanfiction. So… yeah. Anyway, it’s long for a filler post, but my actual post for tomorrow is a quick little interlude, so I figure that’s a fair trade. – Bats]
Title: JLA Vol 1 (1996)
Author: Grant Morrison (34 issues), Mark Waid (6 issues), Mark Millar (1 issue), J.M. DeMatties (1 issue), D. Curtis Johnson (1 issue)
Media: Comic Book
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Generic Alien Invasions / Nonsense / Nonsensical Alien Invasions / Villains Bragging a Whole Bunch / Invading Alien Villains Bragging a Whole Bunch / Asskicking / Kicking Invading Aliens’ Generic Asses / Bat-Wank / Silver Age Throwbacks / Throwbacks to Silver Age Alien Invasions / Oh By the Way Did I Mention the Fucking Aliens
URL: n/a, but it’s available on DC Universe and Comixology if you’re interested
Critiqued by BatJamags
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with something completely random. This is just a recap and critique of a comic series that I’m reading. To work my way up to this, I’m going to have to give you a very abridged history lesson on the Justice League (with excessive wiki links for those who are interested).
PART I: TEAM HISTORY AND PRIOR BOOKS
The Justice League of America was introduced in a series of three issues of DC’s team-up series The Brave and the Bold during 1960. The stories featured five members: Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, the Flash, Green Lantern, and Aquaman. Superman and Batman were shown to be members but couldn’t be properly used due to editorial stupidity. This was lifted when the League got their own series three months after their debut. They proceeded to have wacky, cheesy, and mostly forgettable sci-fi adventures as was common in the Silver Age of Comics (~1956-1970). Green Arrow and the Atom joined almost immediately while Hawkman and Black Canary came a bit later. Into the Bronze Age (~1970-1987), the Justice League had a remarkably consistent roster. Martian Manhunter had an extended absence and Batman and Green Arrow each threw brief hissy fits where they left the team, but they mainly expanded, rounding out the classic roster with Elongated Man, Red Tornado, Hawkgirl/Hawkwoman, Zatanna, and Firestorm. Their adventures continued to be fairly wacky, if somewhat more Socially Relevant™, because it was the ’70s and that was how everybody rolled back then.
Hello, dear Patrons!
I’m back with the third chapter of what has thus far been a pretty bland and forgettable fic – if you discount the incredibly obvious scientific errors, of course. Those are pretty memorable.
Not much has happened plot-wise, just the sudden appearance of a kitchen full of wheat in the testing facility. Also there’s a kitchen now. Not really sure where that’s going.
Now, to the fic!
“Glady, what are you going to cook?” asked Chell. “Pound cake. What with all this wheat…I still have the sound of that word” said GLaDOS.
You need much more than just raw, unprocessed wheat berries to make a pound cake. Butter, milk, eggs; you don’t have any of that.
“I thought the cake was a lie” said Chell.
Maybe back in 2007, but that meme is a grandfather now.
“It actually wasn’t. You were just too stupid to find out where exactly I hid it” said GLaDOS..
Unless you stick around to the end of the credits of the first game.
“Well, I’m so sorry for not being a robotic A.I. that knows pretty much everything about this place Glady!” said Chell.
Chell is much more bitchier than I thought she would be.
“Please don’t call me that. It makes you sound like a little kid and me like a toy robot that a little kid plays with and not a dangerous, genocidal supercomputer.
That’s an oddly specific scenario to be referencing.
If you didn’t get all of that, I’m the queen of Aperture.
Who just voluntarily dethroned herself so she can bake a cake.