2376: Mass Effect: The First War — Chapter 1 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War,  the purported mother-of-all HFY ‘fics which thus far is shaping up to be a particularly boring, lazy, plot-regurgitational, bog-standard HFY ‘fic.

Hmm.

Maybe CT was right about it being the purest form of the species after all.

Also, I have said it before and will say it again. Prepending “Mass Effect:” to the title of your Mass Effect ‘fic  accomplishes jack diddly because we already know what category it’s in and it also makes the ‘M’ section unreasonably large when sorting ‘fics by alphabetical order. So quit already.

Anyway, last time we got a bunch of codex entries outlining the development of human society in the absence of some of the technology the prothean ruins canonically contained. It occurred… pretty much exactly the same as in canon, just a little slower and there are AIs. Yay mankind, I guess.

first_war_bb_1

We left off just as things were actually supposed to start narratively happening, with an expedition to open an unexplored Mass Relay.

Read the rest of this entry »


Fillertastic Special: AdmiralSakai and Serketry Riff Terrible MLP Fanart Episode III– Revenge of the Shit

You should know the drill by now. There’s a lot of My Little Pony fanart out there, and most of it is terrible or has unpleasant implications or is just plain confusing, and so Serketry and I riffed it over Steam chat and then reformatted everything into a Library post.

Read the rest of this entry »


2375: The Purple Queen – Chapter 14

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 14
Critiqued by BatJamags

Crisis on Infinite Snakes

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 36

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and, if any of you happen to be French, Happy Bastille Day! Are you happy yet? Good, now I’m going to ruin the mood by showing you more of this fic. This chapter is entitled “Don’t Tread On Me,” which makes me think I should’ve been scheduling this closer to the 4th, but meh. Let’s get started.

Nipping at her nose was a slight chill.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir, and folks dressed up like Eskimos?

Read the rest of this entry »


2374: SUECOM: Mirror Image – Chapter 1, Part 3

Minh Header 07 13 2019

Title: XSGCOM Mirror Image
Author: Hotpoint
Topic: X-COM: UFO Defence/Stargate SG1
Media: Video game/TV show
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Crazy Minh

Hello Patrons, and welcome back to another instalment of ‘XSGCOM: Mirror Image’ the Stargate/X-COM fanfic which has pissed me off twice now! I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and today we’re going to take a gander at the third part of the first chapter of this nonsense! Now for a recap!

Previously on XSGCOM: Mirror Image…

SUECOM SOLDIERS: LET’S BE RACIST XENOPHOBES AND KILL ALL THESE ALIENS!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

RANDOM JAFFA: GAWD NO!!! I’M GOING TO BE DISSECTED!!! I’LL NEVER SEE MY WIFE OR CHILDREN AGAIN!!

***

GEORGE S. (for Sue) HAMMOND: Imma going to betray one of my closest friends cause the Sue!Pentagon told me to! It’s not like I’ve disobeyed them before, right? Like that time I personally went to Chulak to raise a army to save SG1 from Hathor!

O’NEILL: Well that’s OK, sir. I know we’re in a badfic anyway! Or something…why are we discussing this without Teal’c here anyway? Shouldn’t he get a say in whether or not he gets cut up by xenophobic morons or not, sir?

GEORGE S. (for Sue) HAMMOND: Of course not! We’re not going to do the honourable thing anyway! This is a den of thieves! Thieves I say!

Read the rest of this entry »


2373: Danny Phantom – Dinosaur Children – Chapter 1

Author: SaurusRocks625
Media: Movie/TV Series
Topic:  Danny Phantom/Jurassic Park/Jurassic World
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the beginning of another fic. This is one of the handful of Jurassic Park/World crossovers in my Pile-o-Fail, and this one happens to be crossed with Danny Phantom. And this is actually the second Danny Phantom/Jurassic World crossover we’ve had from the same author, who also wrote Danny Fenton the Ultimasaurus. (It’s the one where Danny had the DNA of about a dozen different dinosaur species shoved into his genome via a Science! portal.)

Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

One day, seven children from Amity Park are chosen to undergo a special experiment at the famous park known as Jurassic World. They become Human/Dinosaur hybrids, and use their new powers to protect the world, and each other. What could happen?

Yet more human/dinosaur hybrids! Human/dinosaur hybrids with some sort of special world-saving powers, those are always fun. At least these aren’t sparklepires on top of everything else. Probably.

The fic itself starts off with an Author’s Note that looks more like a summary than the actual summary does.

I got this idea soon after watching Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom, but this takes place a little before the first Jurassic World movie.

I have to wonder if Fallen Kingdom is at least partially to blame for the up-tick in human/dinosaur hybrid fics; one of the characters makes himself a granddaughter by cloning his daughter, and even though cloning an existing organism is different from creating a hybrid one from scratch I guess a lot of fic authors just assume if someone’s making baby humans and baby dinosaurs they are going to start mix-and-matching them for shits and giggles at some point.

Doctor Henry Wu is assigned a rather strange project to complete from Jurassic World’s owner, Masrami,

It’s Masrani, Simon Masrani.

and creates a Velociraptor using a human boy as the base,

Like a soup? Ewww.

And that makes it sound like they are going to be taking an already existing human boy and somehow introducing dinosaur DNA into his genome …

Dammit. This is going to be another one of those “injecting DNA into someone because Science!” fics, isn’t it?

but is told to add a smidgen of DNA from the Indominus Rex,

Even though the Indominus itself is a hybrid of many different species and also contains velociraptor DNA, so this would essentially be doubling down on the Velociraptor in the hybrid.

thus creating… you know what? I’m not going to reveal that. I’m just going to let the main event be a surprise.

Let me guess – it’s going to make a human/dinosaur hybrid with funny eyes and camouflage abilities and whatever other SuperStu traits you feel like throwing in?

I must admit, it does seem like something of an enigma, but I wanted to try and make something out of this. I hope you guys enjoy the story anyway.

Not really. I assume the kids from Amity Park are going to get rounded up by InGen and then get injections of dinosaur DNA – probably predator species like Velociraptor and Tyrannosaur, and possibly a comedy-relief herbivore species – to turn them into hybrids because reasons.

*I still own nothing having to do with Danny Phantom or Jurassic World!*

Because the author has written more than one fic featuring this crossover – but, oddly enough, has not written all of the Danny Phantom/Jurassic World crossover fics on ff.net. There’s a total of five fics in that section, and three were written by someone else. (The same someone else, though, so there’s only two authors expanding this particular niche)

Read the rest of this entry »


Eighth Annual Sucktastic Award Ceremonies

Hello, patrons, and welcome to the Eighth Annual Sucktastic Award Ceremony!  After a frenzied week of voting with the second-largest turnout we’ve had to date, the polls are now closed and we’re ready to announce the winners, if you can call them that.

Before we get started, I’d like to point out that we have no ties; something that hasn’t happened since 2014.  Thanks, everyone, for being so definitive!  And thanks to the author’s as well for making our job of figuring out which of your fics sucks the most that much easier.

Anyway, let’s cut the pomp and get to what everyone is here for!

Read the rest of this entry »


2372: Love and War – Chapter 3

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Welcome back to “Love and War,” everyone! I’m your guest host, eatpraylove, and last chapter a whole bunch of stuff happened in a very poorly defined amount of time. More specifically, Princess Dawn got chewed out by her parents for having a friend on the castle staff (that being Ash the stableboy), they held a surprisingly belated welcome party for Prince Paul, I paid the Library ten imaginary dollars, and the cliché counter hit double digits and its first side orders of “why”!

Oh, and she’s supposed to marry Paul in a week (thanks to TacoMagic for confirming that a week is indeed way too short for medieval political marriages) and we still have no idea why this is even happening.

*sigh*

Well, the only way out is forward, as some smart guy once said. So let’s get back to it.

Cliché counter: Eleven with a double dose of “why”.

*flops into comfy riffing chair*

Read the rest of this entry »