2580: Jurassic Lions – Chapter 2


Title: Jurassic Lions
Author: stephthewriter2
Media: Books/Movies
Topic: Lion King/Jurassic Park
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat



Welcome back, all my lovely Patrons.

In the first chapter, Mufasa, Scar, and Simba the Afterthought were abducted by a herd of zebra sailors and were in the process of being taken to New York via the west coast of Costa Rica when a storm capsized their ship. We left the three lions on a single impossibly bouyant plank, plucking fish right out of the damn ocean like it’s a chest freezer.


I’m fine. On to the next chapter, where I hope they eventually reach some land so I don’t have to put up with the ‘fishing’ nonsense.

2) An Island


More nights went on for them that Scar, Mufasa, and Simba were stranded on the ocean.

But their days were spent in a lovely cabana with those fancy little umbrella drinks served in whole fruits.

They were able to fish for food but they couldn’t drink anything. Scar and Simba did try the water in the ocean but it made them ill. They didn’t take another.

At least they know the saltwater isn’t potable.

Simba was already losing his faith, Mufasa was praying every night, and Scar wouldn’t talk to anyone.

I’m sure all the pantheons are very disappointed not to hear Scar’s bitching.

How are they going to make it home?

I still think that they should be focusing on reaching land first before making plans to get home.

“We’re not going to make it,” Simba cried. “Are we going to die Dad?”

“No son,” said Mufasa. “We’ll make it.”

“Any regrets?” Scar commented. Mufasa and Simba looked to him. “Do you have any regrets Mufasa? I’ve got many.”

“I can’t think of any.”

“Like you regret for being my brother? Or an uncle?” Mufasa exhaled. “Or…nothing.”

Great pep talk, grade A. I especially like how Mufasa goes from trying to reassure his son to asking his brother if he has any regrets. Very uplifting.

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2579: Mileena’s Humanity – Chapter Four

Title: Mileena’s Humanity
Author:  Spirit.of.Bardock
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11898341/4/
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden


Hello and welcome back to the riff of “Mileena’s Humanity”. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden and last time, we left off with our “hero” continuing to act like a douche rocket, Mileena suddenly having a breakdown and crying her eyes out and then acquiescing to sex with Ju’Stu. Ju’Stu, as you’ll recall tried to cave her skull in with a baseball bat, bosses her around, and force-feeds her shit that could well be toxic to her due to her unique physiology. So, of course, he’s “saved her life” and now she’s gonna bang him.

Before we begin, let’s post the current Darwin List for Ju’Stu.

  • Performed an unprovoked attack on Mileena
  • Isn’t afraid of the teeth she can easily use to rip him in half
  • Seems intent on pissing her off
  • Gives her weapons
  • Invades her personal space when she’s pissed off
  • Casually keeps his guard down around the psychotic cannibal
  • Takes a commanding/bossy tone with a woman who is known as the Mad Empress of Outworld for her sadism and brutality to her own subjects
  • Gets preachy with Mileena after finger-flicking her forehead

*opens a bottle of rocket-grade tihaar, sets the popcorn machine to overdrive, and cues up the porn music*

Let’s do this.

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2578: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 32

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 32
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags*, and we’re back with the next chapter of The Shadow Warriors. Last time, Hush and the Legion of Dumb staged a hostile takeover of Wayne Enterprises to try to make an army of Bruticuses (Brutici?).

Also, Edgelord and an army of Sues and Stus tried to take over the Riffcave, but were subsequently stopped by Batman. This mostly happened because I got bored, but now that we’ve captured Edgelord, I can drag him in here as necessary to explain his stupidity.

*A quick reference on how big the Backlog of Doom was: This is the riff I was writing when I became a permanent riffer back in April of 2018. I put the asterisk here because this was the first post I converted from saying “guest host” to just “host.”

Anyway, let’s hit the chapterly news briefing before we go any further.


As usual, credit to Anne for this.

Chapter 32: Retribution: Part 1

Ooh, is this retribution of the right of the wronged because the right are wrong and wronged the right of the wrong, who are not justice of the right?

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2577: Jurassic Lions – Chapter 1

Title: Jurassic Lions
Author: stephthewriter2
Media: Books/Movies
Topic: Lion King/Jurassic Park
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat




Hello, my dear Patrons, and welcome to a new fic!

Continuing last week’s theme of Jurassic Park crossovers, this one is a Jurassic Park/ Lion King crossover.

Yes, that’s a thing. There’s only a handful of fics listed for this crossover – and five of those are technically the same fic broken into lumps as well as a stand-alone “trailer” for said fic – but that doesn’t make them less of a thing. (Don’t worry, it’s on the list.)

Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

Mufasa never got along with his brother to begin with but once they find themselves together with Mufasa’s son, the three must work together if they want to return home after being shipwrecked at Isla Nublar.

Right away I can see a problem with trying to Madagascar the lions to the island;  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a map before, but Isla Nublar is off the west coast of Costa Rica and Africa … isn’t.

Not pictured: Africa.

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2576: Love and War – Chapter 5

Title: “Love and War”
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video games
Fandom: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure and romance (additional tags: AU, Pacing Trainwreck, Fanfic in Name Only)
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by eatpraylove 

Welcome back to “Love and War”, patrons! Been a while, huh?

Last chapter, our two protagonists finally got the hell away from the Sinnoh royal palace after the worst assassination attempt ever and some boringly-written fight scenes. Amazingly, the cliché counter remained at a solid thirteen (plus some side orders of “why”) with nary an uptick to be seen.

Here’s hoping things go back to just boring rather than full-on stupid. I know it’s also stupid of me to hope that, but I’m an incurable optimist dammit.

*sits in riffing chair*

Chapter 5

Z3R0 L0V3 – I apologize for the delay in this chapter. I had a case of writer’s block. Here’s another chapter! Happy Reading! 

I don’t own anything!

You guys know you don’t really have to put disclaimers in front of your fanfic, right? Especially not in front of every single chapter.

Dawn looked down at the blade that was in her hand.

She still couldn’t wrap her head around what had happened. Paul had tried to kill her. The man her parents were going to have her marry had tried to kill her, yet they didn’t even know. 

*siren goes off*

*hits random button; sounds of screaming and gunfire from the hallway*

Thanks, Marcus!

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No Space Nazis For You This Week

So, Cleveland is on pretty much complete lockdown right now; I haven’t left my apartment in about a week and am thoroughly enjoying the shorter commute and inability of anyone to come to my desk to pester me.

This has resulted in one of my own ‘fics kicking into pretty high gear development-wise, to the point where basically all of my writing efforts have been focused on that and I just haven’t been interested in riffing as much. I’m not in any kind of trouble or on the outs with the rest of the site or anything, I just am currently seeing weekly riffs as more of a distraction from a story that’s burning a hole in my hard drive waiting for me to finally finish and post it.

So, no new updates for probably another week or so.

2575: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 31, Part 2

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 31
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags and BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags…

BadJamags: … And I’m your usual guest host, the real BatJamags…

… And we’re back with the next section of The Shadow Warriors!

BadJamags: Last time, we watched a poorly-composed scene where the Legion of Dumb attacked Batman and proved completely inept, enabling Bats to get away and prepare his counterattack.

Also, Edgelord and all of our past Sues and Stus broke into the Riffcave and are holding the two of us hostage so that we don’t interfere with his plans. Edgelord ended up shooting Raya Sue and Smugularity, but Smugularity got better. Cerbersheep trampled Dr. Moneybags to death and Sueby Psychose was badly burned in a misguided attempt to add Cerbs to her Grimm menagerie.

Edgelord: I really should’ve just used my normal crew for this. They can at least pretend to be competent.

Smugularity: I’ll have you know that my Mandalorians are the most competent warriors in the galax-

Edgelord: Stop talking. You two, move on with the story.

But what about the chapterly news briefing?

Edgelord: Don’t push your luck.

BadJamags: Also, it’s not a new chapter. Sadness.

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