HEY! UPDATE YO SHIT! NEW EMAIL!

Hey lovelies,

As I’m sure some of you have noticed, I’ve been pretty absent lately.  A lot has been going on and it’s making it harder and harder for me to keep up on my administration duties.  (I have a whole batch of Pterodactyl cookies ordered from Gumdrop for the guest riffers who have sent me submissions that haven’t gone anywhere.  I’m so sorry, guys.  Life has been rough in my head lately.)

To help ease my duties a bit, we now have a new email for the site!  So change your contacts!  If you need to get a hold of us, you can email the library at:

lotdguestriffs@gmail.com

All Librarians have access to this account, so you won’t always get me anymore.  But now if you want to contact a specific Librarian, this makes it easy to do so without me having to filter and funnel and sort.

Thank you and happy riffing!

~Lyle


2213: If Brawls Subspace Emissary had dialogue – Chapters 5 and 6

Title: If Brawls Subspace Emissary had dialogue
Author: Vic0911
Media: Video Game
Topic: Smash Brothers
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Mario and Pit chase the Ancient Minister, and Diddy Kong, trying to forget Donkey Kong, swings through the jungle
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back for more of this utterly pointless foray into the Super Smash Brothers story mode.

Oh, did I say “utterly pointless”? Yeah, I meant that. One other problem that jumps out at me with this fic is that it just really doesn’t have much of a reason to exist. But, you know, that should be obvious to literally anybody who played the original mode. I mean, if it was able to tell its story adequately and the dude just couldn’t figure it out, that’s his problem, you know?

Alas, my bile fascination is what it is. So let’s just get going, shall we?

Read the rest of this entry »


2212: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Thirteen, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

My how the time flies when you’re deep in the throes of an eggnog fueled holiday daze.

“Yet you maintain that Sithmas is the most stressful of the winter holidays.”

Dude, most of the other holidays don’t involve having to plan defenses against Thanos’ invading forces.

“I assure you his company is still more genial than that of Krampus.”

No argument there.  Anyway, what happened last week?

“If I must.  The adventuring party had finally made their way to the Lost Woods in search of the Forest Temple.  On their way, they stumble upon a wolfing in progress, which they prevented with an application of lethal force; pick up another party member, who is predictably pointless yet still a better guide than Ashei; and eventually square off against a giant moblin, who absolutely was not Cyber-Carl.  After some decidedly asinine combat acrobatics, not-Carl is dead and they proceed into the Sacred Meadow, where Sheik was waiting for them with a sheet music delivery.”

Amazingly, as padded as it was, the first half of this chapter upholds our observation that the game-plot exposition chapters have significantly more going on in them than the chapters where Vikki is trying to write her own stuff.  Speaking of exposition, let’s just pick up where we left off: the party once again stopping to discuss something that just happened.

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2211: Howl – Chapter 2

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Author’s Note / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by BatJamags and GoodJamags

WARNING: Hey, you know what’s more fun than sticking suicide trivialization in the first chapter of your fic? Sticking it in the first two chapters of your fic.

WARNING 2: RAGE-INDUCING BOOGALOO: And our protagonist casually considers raping somebody. This fucking fic, man.

Beware, patrons! There’s sensuality in this chapter! And drinking! When will the debauchery end?! Yes, this is the part our dear author sees fit to warn us about.

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 18

On the fourth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the fifth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the sixth day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, and happy holidays, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with another thrilling chapter of Howl. GJ, tell them what happened last chapter.

GoodJamags: Absolutely nothing.

Bingo! To elaborate, there was an unnecessarily long author’s note. Then there was a pretentious and somewhat confusing journal thing. Then Hans Gruber from Die Hard survived getting shot out of a skyscraper because he was a werewolf. He killed some teenagers and decided to leave the country to go talk to the Sue.

GoodJamags: All of this was muddled by a multitude of incoherent tangents.

Indeed. The lack of proofreading is strong with this one.

Read the rest of this entry »


2210: FNG – Chapter Three, Part Two (But it’s actually Chapter Two, Part Two)

Title: FNG
Author: Richie23
Media: Video Game
Topic: Rainbow Six: Siege
Genre: Suspense/Adventure
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC and Operative SC

Hello, and welcome back to “FNG,’ by Richie23! I’m your host, SC, joined by myself, and last time, one or more bitches were flipped in the comments regarding some painfully bad suggestions from the fic’s reviews for how to improve an already terrible gun design. Meanwhile, in the fic, a squad of Rainbow operators sat around holding their dicks at an airport while Robert(s) got held up by English customs.

Yeah, not a whole lot happened last time, admittedly.

Operative SC: Thankfully, the writing in this is so bad that we somehow failed to notice that it was all padding.

Maybe you did, I knew it immediately. That whole part of the chapter was just dudes sitting around in an airport, how could it have been anything else?

Operative SC: I was kind of hoping that Richie would just have some random terrorist attack occur at the airport, because I saw “squad of operators” and “airport” and immediately began thinking of the No Russian mission in Modern Warfare 2. That would’ve been some action, at least.

And you thought a team of Thermite, Twitch, Glaz and Thatcher would be the guys to handle it?

Operative SC: I mean, I’d have to rig up some high-tension bullshit to get it to work, but there’s at least one scenario in my mind where they’re the perfect team for the job.

Read the rest of this entry »


2209: Love’s the Only Wheel – Oneshot

 

Title: Love’s the Only Wheel
Author: Prodigious Blair
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Twilight
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a new oneshot. This one involves one of the most popular town bicycles of fanfiction, Twilight, because I haven’t done one of those in a while. And, just in time for the annual Winter Holidays, this one is Christmas themed! Kind of.

Let me show you the summary.

Two is company- Three’s a wheel. This is one Christmas lunch Forks & La Push will never forget.

See? It mentions Christmas in the summary. That makes it holiday-themed, right? I’m not really sure what the whole “three’s a wheel” thing is about, though. I’ve never heard that particular phrase before, and I have a wide and varied repertoire of metaphorical language at my disposal.

I stared at the giant cheese wheel centring the small dinner table at Charlie’s.

I sense a theme forming.

Like many introverts I don’t really attend many parties, and as a non-Christian I definitely don’t attend many Christmas parties, so I don’t know if “giant cheese wheel” is an acceptable dish to have at such functions. That seems more like a pretentious display piece for a fancy party that features uniformed waitstaff serving hor d’oeuvres and has an open bar.

Around it an array of dips and biscuits covered the wooden surface leaving only but a few small gaps for the dregs to pass through.

I’m going to assume that the author is British or similar and Charlie is serving dips and cookies instead of dips and the more scone-like American breakfast breads, but that still makes me wonder why dips and cookies are the appropriate accompaniments to a giant cheese wheel. What are the dips supposed to be for? The cookies? The cheese? Did Charlie run out of crackers?

I took one look at Charlie’s attempt at a pre-Christmas lunch, and vowed next time to allow Bella the time to cater it herself.

I don’t know who you are, narrator, but I’m already hating your condescending attitude. I guess you’re going to turn out to be Edward.

Perhaps it’s just my family, but any time we have a gathering everyone who is attending will contact the host and ask if they can bring anything – and if so, what. It’s practically ingrained in us not to show up somewhere empty-handed; even if you’re told not to bring anything, you’re still going to bring something. (Usually desserts. It’s not uncommon for everyone invited to a family gathering to bring at least one dessert along with whatever else they were supposed to bring. Because who doesn’t like dessert?)

In the corner, one of the officers from work stood hanging his cigarette over the window.

Actually opening the window and holding the cigarette outside would probably work better, but I guess it is the thought that counts.

In one hand he held a plastic beer cup filled to the brim, and used to other to tap at the window sill, letting the ashes float down like snow onto the surface.

See? You’re getting ashes all over the window. That’s just rude.

Read the rest of this entry »


2208: If Brawls Subspace Emissary had dialogue – Chapters 3 and 4

Title: If Brawls Subspace Emissary had dialogue
Author: Vic0911
Media: Video Game
Topic: Smash Brothers
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Kirby and Peach have a short adventure, and DK and Diddy want their bananas back
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello, folks, and welcome back to the Library. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and we’re back with our continuation of Subspace Emissary: Adventures in Scriptfic! Today on our docket, we get to the next two bits of regurgitated level. And… well, you know how it is with that!

I guess we better get started or something, huh? Read the rest of this entry »


2207: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Thirteen, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Welcome back, patrons!  Today we’re going to be getting more than our fair helping of exposition, which I know you’re all super excited for, so let’s plow through this preamble!

“You seem rather uncharacteristically energetic this morning.”

I got three hours of sleep last night and am already on my fifth cup of coffee!  This hour!

*Taco twitches*

That’s probably nothing!

“Ah, yes, well fortunately for your sense of momentum, not much happened last chapter beyond the tepid party acquiring the hook shot and then partaking of a mercilessly music-free training montage.  An hour later, after becoming sufficiently trained, the party was roped into distracting an evil ranch hand so that a thief worse at their job than Contacts could pick a lock.”

I don’t think he was actually a thief.

“That would explain why he was so utterly incapable of doing a single-person job by himself.”

Well, that was more to do with how useless everyone in the fic is.  Speaking of which, we have a fic header to tackle!

“Imagine my excitement.”

Disclaimer: (hastily written sign says: Tuesdays: Virtual Spaghetti Night!)

(little sign beneath it says: And in Article 6, Section 11… I don’t own this…)

Fuck it, I’m counting it because there’s no reason for this to be parenthetical.

*SLAM*

I don’t own anything (Except the things protected by the forcefield): 57

Author’s Notes-

Still waiting for my glaze… oh yeah, you don’t know about that.

“And yet that did not prevent you from bringing it up.”

Well, I took a ceramics class last year and made some pretty cool stuff with it.

We don’t care.

I made a couple pots, a marker holder, a vase, and an Ocarina.

We still don’t care.

I want to glaze it blue just like the Ocarina of Time, but my art teacher still hasn’t fired it in the kiln.

“Do we care yet?”

We do not.

And if you can find the review button, make sure to use the hand sanitizer supplied on the desk right next to it: it’s a tad dusty.

“Why is the hand sanitizer dusty?”

I dunno, but you should use some hand sanitizer after you use that hand sanitizer.

I think there might be some cobwebs on it too… well, I thought I’d be nice and provide you with something to clean your hands with.

Oh well. Anyway, you people go read.

I’d like to think that someday Vikki will look back on these pleads for attention and be embarrassed.

“You are such a romantic at heart.”

(NOTE: By the time I finished writing this I finally did get my glaze. My vase and Ocarina are now going to be fired on Tuesday, whoo! Yes!)

Check it.

*Crunchy pokes at a dial on the riffing console*

“According to this entirely unrelated dial, we still do not care.”

I suspected as much.

Onwards to exposition!

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