2114: yandere gamzee x reader- the phantom of the school – “for your info” and Chapter 4

Title: yandere gamzee x reader- the phantom of the school
Author: otaisi
Media: Webcomic
Topic: Homestuck
Genre: Humor/Mystery
URL: “for your info” and Chapter 4
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags) and Whirlybat von Flubbertybubble

I do Not Think it Means what You Think it Means count: 17

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

Whirlybat: And I’m your guest guest host, Whirlybat von Flubbertybubble…

And we’re back with more of this deliciously awful readerfic! Goody. Now, let’s take a look at the next chapter.

okay, I’m so, so sorry that I didn’t upload sooner ^^”’

Whirlybat: What the hell, narrator? You just left me in suspended animation?

I think this is the author. And author, you don’t have to upload on a set schedule. Personally, I prefer to write the entire fic before I start uploading (which is why I don’t upload anything – I never finish any of my projects).

but, tbh I kinda got lost in my homestuck cosplays.

Well, I hope you cosplay better than you write.

But now some good news: I finally found someone willing to correct my typing errors and misspells XD so the text should be better now in the future XD

Well, that’s a good sign.

Whirlybat: You mean other than the time paradox?

Don’t worry about that.

sooo i want you to introduce u to my now cowriter ( and matesprite) nivisrenee (instagram) would be awesome if you go and check her out ^^

And that’s a bad sign. OK, “Matesprit” (only one “e”) is a term related to Troll romance. I was hoping to avoid the alien-birds-and-bees lecture, and guess what?

Whirlybat: I give up. What?

I still can! Here’s the comic’s explanation, copy-pasted for your convenience:

> BatJamags: Locate the comic’s long-winded explanation of troll romance.

You fail.

> BatJamags: Just link the wiki article.

You do that.

http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Quadrants

There we go. Though I have some gripes with how the wiki explains things (while it’s similar and largely recognizable, flushed romance is not technically the same thing as human romance, so the human/human pairings don’t belong on that list).

oh, and if you like the story, pls start to bug me on my instagram ( ) so I will perceed soon ^^ thx XD

OK, and there we go. Well, that was a short chapter. Bye, everybody!

Whirlybat: Wait, what?

The chapter’s over! Duh.

Whirlybat: We’re only at two pages, even with your babbling!

Well, what did you expect? Did you want the chapter to have a chapter in it? Silly Whirlybat. But if you’re going to be insistent about it, I suppose we can look at Chapter 4.

Days pass by and you get no messages from Aradia. It is actually kind of frustrating. Not sure what to think, you close the tap and walk downstairs to the entrance, ready to leave for school.

You close the “tap?”

On your way, you go through what happened over the last week. After your secret admire told you to forget about Dave, you figure there is no way it was Dave writing the letters… sadly. Maybe you can get a clue if you text him. Perhaps… get a hint on who it might be? No luck so far. On the other hand, your admirer did also stop to talk about Dave. Or any other classmates. He obviously gets upset whenever you mention someone else, but that’s it. You mostly talk about yourself. (He just won’t stop asking about you). So you told him about your past, childhood, previous school’s and your family. Sometimes it seems like he knows some of those things already…

Whirlybat: I feel like I should be more concerned about this.

Sadly, you didn’t get him to talk at all. Nothing about himself. Not even his name. The only thing he tells you is that you don’t know him anyway and that he doesn’t want you to look him up somehow… so you don’t even try anymore…

Stop taking orders from your stalker!

Whirlybat: Nuh uh, I’ve got three more pages to go until I get my paycheck.

*Whispering* The poor dear doesn’t realize her paycheck is $0.00.

You spend most of your time up in the 4th floor now. You walk around and look through the rooms. Some of them look like no one has entered them in years… which is probably the case.

Gee, how’d you figure that one out, Sherlock?

Whirlybat: Using my amazing powers of deduction.

I assume the process went something like this:

DetectiveDefectiveDekektiveDeshrektive

Others seem like they are used daily (what is the actual surprise for you). Beside room 420 there are 2 others that have no dust what so ever… there is also one locked room that is marked as a boxroom.

Alright, now what the fuck is a boxroom?

Whirlybat: It’s a room. With boxes.

Or a room with a boxing ring.

Whirlybat: No. Then it would be a boxingringroom. Idiot.

You open several cabinets, drawers and closets, revealing nothing more than some simple school stuff… nothing out of the ordinary.

You know. Stuff. Like all the things, and whatnot.

It is actually pretty frustrating that you haven’t gotten any more Information. Like… none at all. You think about giving up… your only hope is Aradia… and if she doesn’t answer, you’ll have to drop the case… but it is probably for the best. This topic keeps you awake for days. You didn’t get much sleep, you couldn’t concentrate and your trust in your friends is fading away. This crap is destroying your life!

Yeah, being stalked tends to do that.

Today, Friday, you will change your plans and stop searching for something that doesn’t exist!

Whirlybat: And finally call the police, right, narrator?

Yeah, no.

After your internal monologue, you arrive at school and join your friends in the classroom. The lessons are as boring as always.

You’re one to talk.

During the break, you eat with them. You can’t help but feel left out. They act as always but you just can’t fit in anymore… it feels like you’ve changed without noticing. But everyone else stayed as they were before. Your friendship bonding seem so far away and abstract… without saying anything, you pack your stuff and leave the table, ignoring your friends questions.

Nice job with the “stop being paranoid” plan.

Whirlybat: It was worth a half-hearted one-paragraph effort!

Not long after, you find yourself in the hallway leading to the staircase you always take to get to room 420. While climbing up, you hear some strange noises from the third floor. Curious, you look for the source. You turn around some corners until you stand in front an empty room. (Quite many empty rooms here…)

Yes. Many empty rooms, and much Tarzan grammar.

You open the door a bit and glance inside. What you see halts your breath. Dave and John are making out on top of a desk…

I feel a disturbance in the force, as if a thousand poorly-drawn shipping charts cried out in anger, and were suddenly silenced.

you didn’t even notice that they left earlier than you. You… actually don’t know how to feel. Your mind tells you that you should be happy for your two best friends. It tells you this so obviously that it hurts. … but your heart burns. You feel like falling as you see Dave kissing someone else. It physically hurts you to see them. Your hopes shatter and you can’t hold back the tears as you run away.

And now we interrupt our regularly scheduled horror story (actually the genre’s listed as humor/mystery for some reason) for SHIPPING DRAMA!

You run and run and run and all you can think of is how dumb you are for even thinking about such a relationship. It was so obvious! But you still built your hopes up. And even though you know you never had a chance, you still can’t help but envy John. God, how you hate him right now! But Dave was never yours. John is not the bad one here! It’s… you. And you hate yourself for wishing to get in between those two.

Damn, the author’s hardcore about this pairing (as is most of AO3 and a significant chunk of ff.net, now that I think about it). Canon-wise, it’s vaguely implied that Dave might kinda have some feelings for John or something, but John is pretty explicitly straight.

You slam the door shut and sit down on the ground, crying. After you calm down a bit, you look up and around the place. You made it to room 420… even though you had no special place you wanted to go. You just wanted to get away from everyone, everything. You wanted to be at a place where you could be you… and apparently this is this place. It seems that you grew close to the mysterious guy who writes you daily. You even feel safe around him now… though you’ve never seen him nor do you know his name.

Whirlybat: Uh… Why do I feel safe around the evil ninja stalker murder clown?

I don’t know, but he has an oddly extensive contingent of fangirls.

After rubbing away your tears, you sit down at the desk and start writing. Since you stay here so often, you already have a spare stack of paper and a pen stashed away. You tell him everything. Your feelings for Dave, what happened, how you feel thanks to Dave and John and to this secret no one wants talk about. And you don’t stop. Not even the bell announcing the next class can’t stop you.

That’s what’s wrong with kids of today! They spend all their time crying about shipping drama and never show up to their vaguely-defined lessons!

After you’ve written down everything, you look at the 4 letters you have finished. You overthink it for a second but let’s be real: he seems to be the only one you can talk to… isn’t he? After placing them in the drawer you leave and join your class after making up an excuse.

There’s no excuse! You’ll never learn about the stuff now!

Most classmates just look at you without a second thought. It hurts you to see Dave immediately turn back to watch John. You sit down, feeling dead inside, eyes still red from crying and no one seems to care…

Well, there’s always murderclown.

You are watching Whirlybat from your seat.

Ow! Author, would you cool it with the POV whiplash?

She looks horrible. Puffy eyes, red skin. Whirlybat clearly was crying.

Or was left out in the sun too long. Ruined a perfectly good raisin.

Whirlybat: *More sniffling*

It seems like no one else cares at all.

Accurate.

But you can’t ignore it. You keep an eye on her since … someone… does so as well. You can’t let him get too close to her. He can hurt others.

Oh, this isn’t Gamzee.

But he is still your moirail.

It’s Karkat? I expected his narration to be a bit more…

Whirlybat: Angry?

Yeah, something like that.

You have to help him somehow. You are the only one able to rescue everyone involved… he only listens to you.

Sometimes. You hope at least…

Whirlybat: That’s reassuring.

Gog… why is this so hard…

It’s hard. It’s hard, and nobody understands.

You watched your love as she cried her beautiful eyes out on your side. Well, she didn’t know you were there. But you saw her. You saw everything. And now you’re reading Whirlybat‘s story. MOTHERFUCKER! How dare they hurting my WiCkEd sIsTeR?!

Well, looks like we’re in murderclown’s POV now.

HONK

honk

HONK

After finishing the letters you crawl back into the vents located in the back of the room in the ceiling. You have to follow your heart~

 

In no time you arrive at the closest opening to her classroom. You watch her sitting down. And your brother is watching her… but can you even trust him anymore?! He tried to BETRAY you! And took her miracle letter away!

Author, we all know it’s Karkat. You can say his name.

You watch them all.

honk

You look at Dave.

And the Dave stares into you?

And John.

And sentence fragments.

And Karkat.

Yeah, you already mentioned him.

And Whirlybat.

Ah, there you are. I was wondering where you’d run off to.

Glad you are sober …

Unlike the narrator.

how else could you get such great ideas~

HONK

You smile and creep back into the darkness…

honk

Better safe than –

HONK

And on that incoherent note, the fic ends.

Whirlybat von Flubbertybubble: *Leaping out of the fic* Holy shit, that was painful.

At least the prose actually did get better at the end.

Whirlybat von Flubbertybubble: And we didn’t give that plot much more chance to develop.

Well, next time, GoodJamags is going to take another plunge into the edgy world of the Shadow Warriors, so until then, farewell!

*SLAM!*

I do Not Think it Means what You Think it Means count: 17

And now, your out-of-context quote from the next riff:

Now, who was it that was looking for a plot regurgitation song? I think it was Herr, right? Well, now we have one.


2113: A Branch of Burden – Chapter Seven, Part Two – FINALE

Title: A Branch of Burden
Author: Ravager Animas
Media: Video Game
Topic: Etrian Odyssey
Genre: Adventure/Friendship
URL: Chapter Seven
Critiqued by SC

Hello, and welcome back to “A Branch of Burden,” by Ravager Animas! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we had a relatively uneventful post focused on Little Miss Runemaster. Well, and we learned that the Asshole Guild Sniper is actually not part of that guild in the first place, but that wasn’t all that eventful either.

In fact… no offense to Ravager Animas, but I’m just gonna take my own advice from last week and nix the rest of this chapter, in favor of a blanket overview of what happens. Because unfortunately, even though the action picks up a bit in part two, here, it’s still just a whole lot of nothing really going on. This entire chapter is literally just introducing us to a new protagonist, and there are parts where even the narration seems to just be droning on in boredom. I read through this part of the chapter and realized that if I tried to actually riff anything, all I’d be able to say is, “wow, look how boring this all is.”

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2112: For the Heart of the Sea – Chapters 1 & 2

Title: For the Heart of the Sea
Author: RiverStyx1201
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: none given
URL:  Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the beginning of a brand new fic! This is yet another one I pulled from my pile of FNAF fics, and has one of the most over the top Sues I’ve seen in a while.

Let’s take a look at the summary, which is what drew my attention to this fic.

Human Foxy x OC. Angela gets a job at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria so that she can at least pretend to be a normal teen, but everything changes when she meets a certain animatronic fox pirate that can turn human when he so chooses. Characters and the cover image belong to their respective creators.

Right away I’m getting a few red flags. First there’s the fact that Foxy can apparently turn human at will (a trait likely shared by the other animatronics) which is almost always a sign that the author wants their self-insert to be romantically involved with one of the animatronics without turning the restaurant into Freddy Fazbear’s Fuckbot Emporium. There’s also that none too subtle hint that the OC is not fully human, which typically means things are going to get very Sueish up in here. It would not surprise me if the Sue turns out to be some sort of billionaire super-powered mutant, or an alien, or really anything.

Angela smirked as she pulled her Hayabusa motorcycle to a stop in front of the place of her new job.

Seriously? We can’t get two words into the fic without busting out the ol’ smirk?

BAAAAA!

Woah, there!

Baaa?

Sorry, boy; I’m going to have to ask you to sit out on this one. If the Sue is busting out a smirk this early, it’s not a good sign. I don’t want you getting carpal tunnel syndrome, or whatever the gong-wielding demonic three-headed sheep equivalent of that might be.

Baaaa.

Cheer up; I think Gumdrop is making some of those alfalfa-liopleurodon brownies you like.

Baaa!

I will give the author some credit for using the model of motorcycle rather than just referring to it by its manufacturer, Suzuki.

She was supposed to be the new night guard to make sure no idiot decided to try and break in.

Is she supposed to call the Parking Authority if anyone parks at the curb in front of the restaurant? Because if she didn’t park in an actual space but just sort of left it out front, she’s probably parked in the fire lane. I hope she doesn’t live too far away, because she’s probably going to have to walk home after her shift.

The main reason she chose to work here is because she had some secrets she had to keep but would help her with the job that consisted of supposedly haunted animatronics.

I guess we have to establish how special and awesome the Sue is as quickly as possible, instead of investing any time in the setting.

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2111: Andi Sekforde: The Cat Who Lost His Cool – Part III

Title: Andi Sekforde: The Cat Who Lost His Cool
Author: Lizzimba
Media: Shared RP Universe
Topic: Furry Basketball Association
Genre: Uh… Romance/Horror?
URL: Andi Sekforde: The Cat Who Lost His Cool Part III
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the last part of this story. And good God, it can’t get any worse, can it? I mean, after the cavalcade of sexism in the last installment, and the trivialization last time?

God, I hope it can’t get any worse…

*sigh*

Well, let’s find out, shall we?

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2110: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Seven, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

*Walks into Riffbooth #272, quickly dusts off the console, and turns the “Power on” crank until the computer starts to boot*

Whew, finally back, patrons!  Sorry for that extended break there, but I’m finally past all the convention and guest stuff, so let’s get cracking!

Last time we had a Touching Moment of Bonding™ between Link and Ashei’s younger, less violent and much less interesting expy.  They traveled a while for no real reason beyond that they were heading in the same direction and eventually parted ways once Vikki’s name-drop high wore off.

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2109: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue — Pages 141 through 167

Title: Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue
Author:ConnorDavidson
Media: Video Game
Topic: Sly Cooper
Genre: None Given
URL: DeviantArt Gallery Page
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper: Thief Of Virtue, which is once again back to not being a porno.

Last time surprisingly little actually happened even though Sly and the rest of the Cooper Gang actually managed to get themselves arrested by Chief Director Torus after Ice Ice Baby (surprise surprise (baby)) turned out to actually be an undercover Interpol agent. Cesar DeRoque also got arrested while all of the other remaining Generic Gang members at his stupid conference somehow managed to get away, and then Colonel Zahn hired this bizarre, edgelordy mercenary named Captain Snow to take out Sly or something.

We resume the exciting “Sly is sitting in jail not doing anything” arc already in progress.

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How Not To End Up On The Library: Filler, Abstraction, And The Fine Art Of Having A Point

One of the things you will find me asking of authors during riffs- along with “what does that even mean” and “what the hell were you thinking” is “what was the point of this scene”. What do I mean by this? Read on and find out.

The Basics- Actually Having A Goddamn Point

For as much time as I have spent around badfic, it still manages to surprise me just how many authors here fail to understand that a section of written work should accomplish some sort of goal or have some sort of effect on something. Way too many times here I run into stories where entire chapters are completely directionless and have zero influence on the plot, the character, or, most importantly, the reader. Such a section can be skipped over entirely without changing the rest of the narrative in any substantial way, and for the reader that’s usually a very good thing because this sort of writing is almost universally immensely boring. It is, quite simply, filler.

To keep your readers engaged, you need to be doing something with each passage in your story. It can be obvious and important, or subtle and not noticed until much later on. It doesn’t have to take up the majority of the passage by wordcount and the characters themselves don’t have to be paying it much of any attention, in fact the reader doesn’t necessarily need to realize that it was the point of the passage right away, but it needs to be there.

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