1926: better season 5 end — Part 5

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3, who may or may not be Dakari King Mykan, and/or Caliborn from Homestuck
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end‘s… umm… end.

Last time Starlight Glimmer, freshly minted as N I G H T M A R E M O O N’s new apprentice, payed a visit to Twitlight Sparkle in her cell and got really torn up about ripping the DUMMENSHINAL TRAVIL scroll in half even though N I G H T M A R E M O O N was actively assisting her in making a replacement for it. Twitlight responded to this by angsting, dreaming about the Element Bearers and thereby giving away their location to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, angsting some more, and then finally angsting. That… was literally about it. We just left off as she was being led out of her cell by a N I G H T M A R E Guard, through the improbably-nearby town of Ponyville, and to a large platform set up in the middle of a public square which is clearly, obviously, and totally not meant for her execution.

Will Starlight Glimmer’s apprenticeship deliver her into her longed-for life of fast carriages, fast stallions, and rich, chunky revenge, or will she instantly be redeemed in the last fifth of the story for no good reason just like Mycan’t claims happened in the original show?

Will Twitlight Sparkle put into reality her vision of an inter-DUMMENSHINAL door-to-door friendship proslytization church, or will she completely dissolve into a puddle of thin, sorrowful gruel?

Will N I G H T M A R E M O O N ever actually get around to running Equestria, or will she just continue to recount the events of every episode of Season 1?

Will any of the rest of the main cast actually fucking show up in this story?

And will Mycan’t realize this was originally supposed to be a 44-minute TV-Y rated television show?
Find out on this, the final… umm… segment, I guess… of better season 5 end.

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1921: better season 5 end — Part 4

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Cutie Remark as told by Dakari King Mycan’t!

Glad to be back.

Last time… well, not a whole lot actually happened other than Twitlight and Starlight being locked in a cell together so that the former could evangelize to the latter about The Power of Friendship (and also the events of most of the pilot episode of the show for some reason).

And then for fairly obvious reasons Starlight decided it was better serve in heaven than rule in rich, chunky exposition hell-

-and decided to sell out Twitlight to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, seeing as Twitlight’s strategy of building up a rapport with the other unicorn by being really fucking annoying all the time was going nowhere. We just left off as M O O N and Starlight (good GOD that sounds like a ship-name) were headed off to the remnants of the Canterlot Library so that Starlight could show her new mentor how the dimension-hopping scroll she found works.

Wait, doesn’t N I G H T M A R E M O O N have the dimension-hopping scroll from her home dimension? Why doesn’t that work? I mean sure, it’s in code, but Starlight wrote the code and can translate it back.

If this was a better ‘fic I’d say it was because Starlight was faking her betrayal in order to lead N I G H T M A R E M O O N away from the castle and give Twitlight a chance to grab either the original encrypted copy or the Elements of Harmony, but thanks to {THE ENDLESS INTERNAL MONOLOGING EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER DOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME} we know that nothing so clever is actually being attempted and Starlight is completely on the level (and also seems to have a bat-pony fetish for some reason, if her sudden display of romantic interest in the guards pulling their carriage is any indication).

Huh! Knowing a pony’s inner thoughts makes them seem less intelligent. How ‘about that?

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1915: better season 5 end — Part 3

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end, Dakari King Mycan’t’s attempt to strip out everything that was actually impressive or visually interesting about the Season 5 finale of My Little Pony.

Last time, Twitlight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer spent way, way, way too much time doddling around what turned out to be an alternate Equestria ruled by N I G H T M A R E M O O N, queen of evil laughter, sneering at each other and failing to figure out where they were or what was going on. Then some Lunar Guards (N I G H T M A R E Guards?) showed up and made off with the scroll that was their only ticket home, and the two timeDUMMENSHIN travelers promptly followed them right to her castle. N I G H T M A R E M O O N kicked their asses, confiscated the scroll, and locked them in the kinky bondage dungeon… but not without first filling up another scene or two with even more explanation of THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW.

We’re three parts into this, and something just hit me: Mycan’t never told us his mission statement. We know he wants to improve the script, but he never told us how. What was wrong with the original that needed correcting? We’ve been inferring that he wanted a less powerful Starlight, more talky bits up front, more N I G H T M A R E M O O N and evidently much less of the other timelines-

-like, none

– but, again, those are only guesses. We have no idea what the author wants to tell us, and that’s one of the most fundamental flaws in literature a writer can ever make.

I mean, he has a blog, but it’s all just ranty lectures about time travel and multiverse theory interrupted by a section on Undertale for some odd reason.

Ohhhh, I know what he wants to tell us:

Rich, chunky exposition.

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1622: Iron lady of the wonderbolts – One Shot (And an open letter to the MLP Darkfic community)

Title: Iron lady of the wonderbolts
Author: Flat spin
Media: Television
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre:  Romance/AU/”Dark”
URL: No longer available to the general public
Critiqued by Admiral Sakai

-WARNING-

This is yet another goddamn ‘fic containing potential flamebait in the form of military sexual assault and harassment. Also hazing. And drug abuse. And just plain disturbing content in the form of the murder and torture of innocent ponies for really no goddamn reason, let’s not forget that little detail… It may not be Celebrian, but it’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

Hello hello, all you patrons! No minions today as I figured the veterans needed some time off, and more to the point this was just sort of a spur-of-the-moment thing I decided to do on a whim. I know I said I was going to take a break from riffing for a while, but recent outside events have convinced me to take on at least one more ‘fic before I turn out the lights.

You see, ladies and gentlebeings of the Library, I, AdmiralSakai, am a brony.

I wasn’t so hot on the show at first- I thought it was fairly well-written and well-animated, but it was still just a kids show made to sell cheap plastic figurines, and I actually abandoned it entirely right around Season 3. Then a friend of mine (actually the same guy who has contributed to a large number of my projects as “Nick” or “Serketry”) made me sit down and watch the “Cutie Markless” duology, and I immediately fell in love with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Mostly it’s the endless conversations I have with Nick analyzing and theorizing about the bizarre (and beautifully detailed) world Equestria occupies, but I’ve also come to truly appreciate the characters as they have developed over the show’s run, and more to the point it’s just so incredibly obvious that everybody involved in the show’s production genuinely loves their creation and loves their fanbase. Have there been bad episodes? Sure. But there have also been incredible ones, episodes that show off every last bit of creativity and skill and perseverance of a really just exceptional group of people for the whole fandom to see.

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1303: Holy Protector – Chapter Two

Title: Holy Protector
Author: BlackKitsune88
Media: Cartoons
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre:  Romance / Drama
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by KittyNoodles and Fury.  Wait, who the hell…?

*** THIS RIFF WILL FEATURE LOTS OF IN-FIC SACRILEGE. KITTY HAS BROUGHT IN A RINGER TO ATTEMPT TO KEEP HERSELF UNDER CONTROL, BUT THAT MAY NOT HAPPEN. FIERY RIGHTEOUS RAGE-RESISTANT BLANKETS CAN BE FOUND UNDER YOUR SEATS. ***

[Kitty enters the Snark Booth sniffling loudly between fits of hoarse coughing. Her hair is mussed, she’s still in her ratty pajamas, and she’s wrapped in a blanket scarf that doesn’t look very warm. She’s clutching a box of tissues in each hand.]

Kitty: I’mb sick a’d I have to riff. Fuck all of you.

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1289: Holy Protector – Chapter One

Title: Holy Protector
Author: BlackKitsune88
Media: Cartoons
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre:  Romance / Drama
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by KittyNoodles… and Scythe?

*** THIS RIFF WILL FEATURE LOTS OF IN-FIC SACRILEGE. ADDITIONALLY, SCYTHE MAY POP OFF WITH A PHRASE OR TWO OF KITTY’S IN-PROGRESS CONLANG. TRANSLATIONS WILL APPEAR AT THE END OF THE RIFF. ***

[Kitty enters slowly, currently in the process of dragging her apparently human co-riffer into the Booth by his legs while he tries to anchor himself to the floor with his foreclaws]

Kitty: You— are being— an ass!

Scythe: I’m not doing a pony riff! You can’t make me!

Kitty: The hell I can’t! [giving a sharp jerk on his legs] GET IN HERE!

[The tug rips Scythe off the floor and sends both riffers tumbling into the Booth; the door is slammed shut and locked behind them as they pick themselves up off the floor]

Scythe: [brushing himself off] Well. I suppose we should get started, shouldn’t we?

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1076: Philosopher of Earth – Chapter Three

Title: Philosopher of Earth
Author: Evilcheez271
Media:  Television
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Tragedy / Adventure / Sad / Human / Gore
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Crowbar

Oh hey-ho, everyone! This is The Magnificent Crowbar, and I am finally back with the next chapter of this… Trite.

Oh, and the last one was quite a while ago, so here’s a refresher.

Hoo boy, I should not feel even a little bit happy about this.

Anyways, here’s Philosopher of Earth, chapter 3! Enjoy.

*A painter secretly locks and barricades all exits from the viewing room*

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