2578: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 32

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 32
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags*, and we’re back with the next chapter of The Shadow Warriors. Last time, Hush and the Legion of Dumb staged a hostile takeover of Wayne Enterprises to try to make an army of Bruticuses (Brutici?).

Also, Edgelord and an army of Sues and Stus tried to take over the Riffcave, but were subsequently stopped by Batman. This mostly happened because I got bored, but now that we’ve captured Edgelord, I can drag him in here as necessary to explain his stupidity.

*A quick reference on how big the Backlog of Doom was: This is the riff I was writing when I became a permanent riffer back in April of 2018. I put the asterisk here because this was the first post I converted from saying “guest host” to just “host.”

Anyway, let’s hit the chapterly news briefing before we go any further.

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

Chapter 32: Retribution: Part 1

Ooh, is this retribution of the right of the wronged because the right are wrong and wronged the right of the wrong, who are not justice of the right?

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2575: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 31, Part 2

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 31
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags and BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags…

BadJamags: … And I’m your usual guest host, the real BatJamags…

… And we’re back with the next section of The Shadow Warriors!

BadJamags: Last time, we watched a poorly-composed scene where the Legion of Dumb attacked Batman and proved completely inept, enabling Bats to get away and prepare his counterattack.

Also, Edgelord and all of our past Sues and Stus broke into the Riffcave and are holding the two of us hostage so that we don’t interfere with his plans. Edgelord ended up shooting Raya Sue and Smugularity, but Smugularity got better. Cerbersheep trampled Dr. Moneybags to death and Sueby Psychose was badly burned in a misguided attempt to add Cerbs to her Grimm menagerie.

Edgelord: I really should’ve just used my normal crew for this. They can at least pretend to be competent.

Smugularity: I’ll have you know that my Mandalorians are the most competent warriors in the galax-

Edgelord: Stop talking. You two, move on with the story.

But what about the chapterly news briefing?

Edgelord: Don’t push your luck.

BadJamags: Also, it’s not a new chapter. Sadness.

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2569: The Shadow Warriors – Chapter 31, Part 1

Title: The Shadow Warriors
Author: Shadow knight1121
Media: Comics
Topic: Justice League
Genre: Crime/Mystery
URL: Chapter 31
Critiqued by BatJamags (GoodJamags and BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

BadJamags: … And I’m your usual host, the real BatJamags…

… And we’re back with the next section of The Shadow Warriors! We’ll check in with your chapterly news briefing right quick…

Opener

As usual, credit to Anne for this.

BadJamags: I don’t wanna do it.

Too bad. So, last time our intrepid heroes were confronted by some kind of Edgelord Legion of Doom.

BadJamags: They got their asses beat and we were told that Batman is dead. I didn’t buy that one the last eight or so times the mainstream comics have tried to tell us that in the past decade or two and I’m not falling for it here.

BadJamags: I mean, there was literally a minor event where every even tangentially Batman-related book released in a certain month declared “THIS ISSUE: BATMAN DIES!!!” on the cover. Some of the issues’ attempts (or lack thereof) to deliver on the promise were so half-assed it was hilarious. The Batgirl series (the good one, with Cassandra Cain) basically had the following conversation:

“So I totally killed Batman.”

“Then how’d you get beaten up?”

“Oh, I guess I didn’t kill Batman.”

BadJamags: … And in Birds of Prey, in the background of one panel you can see Batman fighting a bear for no reason in an unrelated issue and it’s never brought up again. I adore that series, but it sometimes gave no fucks whatsoever.

Are you done?

BadJamags: It’s certainly more interesting than the fic.

Touche. Anyway, the Dork Patrol was finally rescued from the Legion of Dumb by the timely intervention of *sigh* yet another edgelord (lowercase e – big E is for Edgelord Prime).

BadJamags: The reason a big E was used when he said “Edgelord Legion of Doom” was because they were almost certainly organized by none other than Jayden Warney himself for some sinister purpose. Explains how they know everybody’s Secret IDs (which, if I recall correctly, is not otherwise explained, so… yeah).

Right, let’s press on to the chapter.

Chapter 31: Big Changes

Like when you use a hundred-dollar bill to pay for a candy bar.

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2562: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the second half of Sweet Disaster, which is proving to be not at all sweet but indeed pretty damn disastrous.

Last time, Lady ‘Kalmon Filter’s dad wandered into the unclearly-explained facility where Nakastura lives, and raged around a bunch because he couldn’t find his daughter, but then she showed up and was all “BECUZ I LUV HIM!!!!” and that calmed her old man down somehow. Also Nakastura and his sister routinely beat up the Marines under their command for really no reason. And that was about it.

This story is sliding into nothing-fic territory incredibly quickly, and if I’d known that going in instead of assuming it’d all be as ridiculous as the first scene I don’t think I’d’ve riffed it. After all, if I wanted to read more edgy imbeciles screaming about nothing much while the plot grinds to a halt to accommodate them, I’d’ve just kept on with First War.

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2557: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 2

Title: Sweet Disaster
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the second half of Sweet Disaster, which is proving to be not at all sweet but indeed pretty damn disastrous.

Last time, we were treated to an extended interlude involving the hangover of one “Kane Nakamura”, an edgy UNSC employee of unclear rank or section who has a variety of accents, ‘nanomachines’ in his blood, and a cybernetic arm that even Freddy Kruger is looking at and being like “Dude, chill with the random knives on everything”. He woke up in bed with a horny Elite named “Lady ‘Kalmon”, who apparently lives next the base they are apparently on, and had apparently completely trashed Nakastura’s room the night before. Not a lot actually happened after that other than Nakastura’s disturbingly-sexualized half sister (who is some kind of a captain) showing up in his room and cursing him out for the whole “slept with Lady Kalman Filter” thing, and apparently Daddy Kalman Filter is wandering around outside breaking stuff.

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2547: Task Farce Ash Guest Riff chapters 11 and 12

Title: Task Force Ash
Author: Ghost509
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokémon and Call of Duty
Genre: Adventure and “Romance”
URL: Chapter 11 and Chapter 12
Critiqued by Zeus Killer Productions

Judger: So the next chapter begins with Damien’s former Pokémon waking, having apparently lost all memory of the night before (which considering the type of abuse, is sadly plausible), with Rosa comforting them. Ash, after trying to get the 141 to stop using a hospital gurney as a battering ram for some reason, walks in, and the new trio immediately start thinking he’s “drop dead handsome.”

Because Pokémon obviously have the same standards of beauty as humans.

Svarti: So when asked what happened, Ash lies, and claims that he saved them from your standard Hentai Ugly Bastard, because it might be problematic if he’s arrested for first degree murder, even if the guy was a (exaggerated) douche. Also, this-

“I guess you could say that.” Ash said, his smile faltering ever so slightly. Rosa gently squeezed his shoulder in reassurance. She knew Ash hated to lie(unless he absolutely needed to) and, in this case, he did and didn’t. But still, she knew why he was doing this.

Anyway, the three females let the information settle in. They were almost raped. Their virginities, future, and innocence, almost taken away from them. Almost, being the key word. Ash had saved them. In their opinions they were now indebted to him. But the three lost their trains of thought, as Ash got up from his chair, while putting on his hat.

Judger: Because we needed more girls into his ducking harem. At this rate, he’s going to nab every single female on the planet.

Zeus: So Rosa states that she’ll always be by his side, when a flying pyramid shows up. Turns out the Kanto Battle Pyramid decided to show up, having heard of Ash coming here (and of course, the three females want to jump Ash’s bones because why not add even more women into the fucking harem?) and passing the cheerleaders, who are discussing how they can get laid like Ash.

Remember when the 141 were trained badasses? Me neither.

Svarti: So the chapter ends with the two groups meeting, just like what happened with the other gang. Curiously, the author felt prudent to leave this authors note at the start of the final chapter.

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2543: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 11 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back once again to Mass Effect: The First War. In fact, after this chapter, we will officially be more than halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War.

Hooray!

Holy fuck, we’re still only halfway THROUGH Mass Effect: The First War. Shit.

Anyways, last time Grand Moff Whyney had brief second thoughts about the whole “destroy Palaven for really no reason other than OUTRAGE!!!!” plan, was talked back into it by his random OC personal assistant, then gave a speech enthusiastically promoting the idea. No mention was made of the fact that the whole thing was, in fact, started by the quarians’ casual brutality and perpetuated by their ass-covering lies.

Also, the turians have the Forerunner Dreadnought from Halo because why invent anything original when you can just shallowly copy much better writing, amiright?

first_war_bb_11

But, hey, at least that asshole Chris McGraw wasn’t in this story, right?

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