2452: Cupcakes, Part 2 — Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-
While this so-called horror story continues to resoundingly fail at being even remotely scary, it starts to hit pretty hard with the gross-out attempts in terms of blood and guts and also a bizarre focus on the actions of Rainbow Dash’s bladder.

Title: Cupcakes
Author: Sergeant Sprinkles
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Creepypasta / “Horror” / Torture Porn
URL: Creepypasta Wiki Rehost
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons! Inflate your favorite organs and sort your pegasus wings by color because we are back with more Cupcakes goodness.

Don’t you mean…

baked_bads

Hey y’all, Serketry here. Again. Until this fic is as dead as Rainbow Dash. 

And, of course, by ‘goodness’ I mean ‘incredibly repetitive foreshadowing of incredibly repetitive torture porn’.

Last time, Pinkie Pie fed Rainbow Dash a drugged cupcake and tied her up in a torture chamber underneath Sugar Cube Corner. Much capering and posing with skulls ensued, but it was all pretty pointless. And…. that’s literally it.

dootober_by_paw_of_darkness_ddhidu5-fullview.jpg

EDITED BY EDINPONY COUNTER: 6

Dubiously sexual counter: 4

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2446: Cupcakes Part 1 — Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-
While the creepypasta under riff today is insanely not scary, it does contain some measure of gratuitous gore and you may not want to read it over lunch.

Title: Cupcakes
Author: Sergeant Sprinkles
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Creepypasta / “Horror” / Torture Porn
URL: Creepypasta Wiki Rehost
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons! Plug your nearest housepet into the television set and make sure your doll vaccinations are up to date, because it’s that time of year again!

Today we’re dealing with a ‘fic that I wasn’t originally planning to ever riff due to its potential Librarian-breaker status (you will see why soon). However, I ran into a bunch of other people in a fimfiction forum I frequent saying that maybe it wasn’t so bad and for the time had some interesting ideas. So now I’m going to show exactly why that’s not the case, on a site with an average readership of ten people that none of the commenters on that forum frequent or even know exists.

Yay me!

Yay us, actually. Hey y’all, Serketry here. The Admiral brought me back. For this. Thanks, Admiral. 

Yeah. This is… a doozie.

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2445: The Purple Queen – Chapter 25 (FINALE!)

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 25
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

FEED YOUR HEAD

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 189
Roll Call count: 8
Vomit Boy count: 8

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the last chapter of The Red Queen! Don’t go reaching for your Kool and the Gang yet, though, because this show ain’t over until the fat lady sings.

(Though if you’re reading that means I already finished this in the past and Celebrating is therefore acceptable)

Last time, Sueby Psychose began her revenge on Weissome McSchneevil, OoC!Blake, Not!Pyrrha, and the other dumbass conspirators. She killed one of the nameless OC conspirators for a while and then nothing else happened. Yang and Jaune were also on their way out to try to de-escalate things. Everybody was very stupid and my Sentence Fragment count is almost at 200.

Even before I start the riff, this chapter is about 6,000 words, which is how long my riffs usually are with snark, and I’m planning on typing up a sizable rant at the end. Still, this is the last installment, and it’s already cutting into what should be the start of the Badfic Zone, so consider this a special jumbo-sized rifftacular!

It should’ve just been another night in Beacon, right?

However, the sun had failed to set at the appropriate time, causing it to continue to be a day in Beacon instead of just another night.

It was very strange.

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2439: The Purple Queen – Chapter 24

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 24
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Goffik Tearz of Blood

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 158
Roll Call count: 7
Vomit Boy count: 8

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the second-to-last chapter of The Red Queen. Last time, Sueby ran around threatening the dumbass conspirators. Onward!

Beacon Academy.

An Academic Sentence Fragment count: 159

On second thought, can we go get coffee before we get started? If literally the first sentence of the chapter is a fragment, I know this is going to be a long one.

GoodJamags: Probably a good idea.

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2434: The Purple Queen – Chapter 23

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 23
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

I’m Gonna Be Just Like You

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 155
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with the next chapter of the gripping epic that is The Red Queen. And not happy to be here, either. Last time, OoC!Blake was showing some last-minute attempts at being in-character, but it mostly just amounted waxing angsty about being involved in Ruby’s murder which was so far out of character in the first place that the whole thing is just not working.

Anyway, she ran into Sueby WHO IN THE WORLD COULD THAT BE but nothing really came of it.

“You say that Ruby will be coming back soon?”

“Yes Professor.” Jaune said to Ozpin, looking at him with all due seriousness.

“And exactly what do you base this on, Mister Arc?”

The fact that she’s been wasting time not to have come back even by now?

“Well Professor,” Jaune began, trying to collect his thoughts on the matter. It’s not like this was very easy to explain, but he had to try. “I was talking to Yang before, about Ruby of course. And the topic of Ruby’s personality quirks came up. A fact I had never learned until Yang had told me, Ruby is the type to take things on herself. So if she’s attacked, I doubt she’ll call for help immediately. Add onto that the fact that she was seemingly killed, and she would no doubt want to strike back. Now, gathering Grimm? If that doesn’t prove her intent to fight back, not much would. As for her returning here, and soon, I base this off of a map of all of the attacks and appearances made by the Red Queen.” Saying so, Jaune pulled out a large map of Remnant and placed it on the table. All over the map were various circles, dots, and lines all drawn in a fine point marker.

By the way, I sincerely hope that this isn’t the big thing the author kept promising he was going to do towards the end. Since, you know, it’s kind of really obvious.

“Please do explain what this means, Mister Arc.”

Yeah, that would be apprec-

“Yeah, hurry up and explain Vomit Boy!”

NO NO GET IT IT’S A THING THEY SAY IN THE SHOW AREN’T YOU FUCKING LAUGHING RIGHT NOW

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2428: The Purple Queen – Chapters 21 (sort of) and 22

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 22
Critiqued by BatJamags

Kingdom of the Crystal Huntsman

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 147
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with another chapter of The Red Queen. Last time, Sueby recruited a bunch of big elephant Grimm for no reason and nothing happened.

Chapter 21 was not an actual chapter, but rather a memorial message about the then-recent death of RWBY’s creator, Monty Oum. It’s actually reasonably well-written and it would be in poor taste for me to riff it. I only bring it up in case you’re wondering why we skipped a chapter.

While that’s a bit of a somber note, this fic is still bad and I’m still going to make fun of it. As such, let’s press on.

Endless. Pointless. Why was she still here? Why was she still sitting through this, despite more pressing, more urgent business being at her doorstep.

Switch those “she”s to “he”s, and you’ve got a good description of my experience reading this fic.

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2425: Threads of fate – Oneshot

Title: Threads of fate
Author: Atlas Bloodstone
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Drama/Humor (Also known as edge or agnst)
URL: Threads of fate
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

*Taco drags himself into the riffing chamber and flops down into a chair next to Swenia, who has her head reclined back with a large bag of ice resting across her eyes*

Rough morning?

*Swenia pulls the bag off her face, revealing a puffy right eye* “Naw.  I was doing a little morning sparring with some of the new military folk we seem to be collecting.  That Asari has a mean left hook.”

Well, I’m surprised it’s so munda-

“Of course, she stopped pulling her punches after I made a pass at her.  Well, a couple passes.”  *She winces while gingerly testing the eye with her fingers*  “I think I’m in there.”

There it is.  Wait, don’t you have like a crazy healing factor or something?

“‘Accelerated’ just means the swelling hits hard, fast, and goes away without a bruise.  Twenty minutes and it’ll be fine.  It’s great on the battlefield when you got a hormone cocktail loaded with adrenaline and endorphins going, but it stings like a bitch when you’re just sitting at home.  But, as much as I love talking about me, what are we doing this morning?”

I’m glad you asked!  This week we’re diving back into my pile of Legend of Dragoon fanfiction to dig out a short, edgelordy little fic called “Threads of fate” by Atlas Bloodstone.

“Woof.  I’m already getting some of that edgelord flavor just off that name alone.  But that doesn’t explain why you need me here.”

Call it repayment for me dragging Jiwe out of the colored goo room last week.

“Fine.  Why do we even have that room, anyway?”

Dude, where else are we going to keep all our colored goo?  Summary time!

A young wingly is held captive in his own home for murder. Precious sulfur and soot, the battle begins in a dimly lit room, where he is being tried and covicted of killing

“That is starting off on a pretty foreboding note.”

*Taco furiously thumbs through a book*

“The hell are you doing over there?”

Speed Latin-ing.  Covicted: A reduction of Comvincere meaning to conquer together or to conquer completely.

“Well, that’s neat and all, but we should probably get to covicting this fic.”

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