2595: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Six, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, folks, welcome back to True Force, the fic that proves that you don’t need a lot of plot to write a lot of words.  Crunchy?

“See Jedi.  See Jedi run.  Run, Jedi, run.”

Pithy.

“If soul is the brevity of wit, then I am incarnate!”

That is definitely not how the saying goes.  In so, so many ways.

So the six of them made their way towards the Fortress walking between two large cuts in the rock that towered over them, the cool wind just skimming the tops of the earthen walls. As they walked, Ashei explained that they had been cut through with water when the river had begun higher up in the western mountains instead of in the valley long ago. Eventually they came to a set of steps cut into the rock, with another path leading further southwest towards the gate that led into the deep desert of the Wasteland.

Eh, not a great effort, but there’s been way worse setting in this thing.  Moving on.

Instead of turning that way, however, they ascended the steps leading to the Fortress, and after a few long, monotonous moments of climbing step after step, the area around them finally opened up onto another plateau about a single story above the valley entrance.

Realizes that watching people climb stairs is monotonous, includes it anyway.  Winning at prose!

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2594: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 2

-WARNING-
Still Nazis, I guess.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years!

Last time… the events leading up to Mass Effect 1 happened. I don’t know why we needed to be told this since the ‘fic ostensibly is about Mass Effect and thus its readership would already know this, and the Systems Alliance being ‘Murca-Nazis had absolutely no effect on any of it, but told this we were anyway!

thousand_years_bb_2

Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 7

Porsche Counter: 5

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2593: Mileena’s Humanity – Chapter Five

Title: Mileena’s Humanity
Author:  Spirit.of.Bardock
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11898341/5/
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER FINALLY GETS US SOME OF THE ACTION WE EXPECT FROM MORTAL KOMBAT, WITH ALL THAT ENTAILS. ADDITIONALLY, I’LL BE INCLUDING FOOTAGE OF ACTUAL FIGHTS TO PROVE A POINT IN MY CRITIQUE WHICH MAY BE DISTURBING DUE TO VIOLENCE AND LANGUAGE. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Hello again and welcome to the latest installment of Mileena’s Humanity. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden and we left off with a cringy-as-shit sex scene. I’m afraid I have to issue a retraction to something I said in the comments for Chapter 4: there’s another sex scene later on. Fortunately, we won’t be coming to that for a while. Instead let’s throw up the current Darwin List and get cracking.

  1. Performed an unprovoked attack on Mileena
  2. Isn’t afraid of the teeth she can easily use to rip him in half
  3. Seems intent on pissing her off
  4. Gives her weapons
  5. Invades her personal space when she’s pissed off
  6. Casually keeps his guard down around the psychotic cannibal
  7. Takes a commanding/bossy tone with a woman who is known as the Mad Empress of Outworld for her sadism and brutality to her own subjects
  8. Gets preachy with Mileena after finger-flicking her forehead
  9. Makes out with the cannibal who has teeth that can tear a chunk out of a thresher maw
  10. Lets the cannibal give him a blowjob

AN: Thank you everyone that has given me a review, I appreciate them a lot. Anyways, I’ve been thinking about what should happen after the story mode, and I’ve decided that you, the reader, decide whether I should continue what happens between Justin and Mileena or stop the story after the story mode.

I’m thinking you should have figured this out before you even started putting words on screen, but here we are.

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2592: Predators and Prey – Chapter 1

Title: Predators and Prey
Author: CablesAndCrack (Apparently with some collaboration with someone named CMR Rosa)
Media: Comic Book
Topic: Birds of Prey (The comic, which has essentially nothing to do with the movie)
Genre: Drama / Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by BatJamags

WARNING: This fic is disgusting, disturbing, discomforting, and a bunch of other words that begin with “dis.” But if you want to see me turn into a gushing fanboy about the source material, you should at least get some value out of the infodump.

Birds of Prey is quite possibly the best goddamn series DC has ever published and everyone should read every last issue of it.

Got your attention?

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2591: Jurassic Lions – Chapter 5

 

Title: Jurassic Lions
Author: stephthewriter2
Media: Books/Movies
Topic: Lion King/Jurassic Park
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Hello once again, dear Patrons, and welcome to another chapter featuring lions wandering around and occasionally seeing dinosaurs. In the last chapter the lions not only saw dinosaurs, but they were almost attacked by them! And then Scar buggered off on his own while Mufasa, Simba, and the lizard-chicken climbed a tree and stopped near a branch – hopefully because he realizes that he is far too heavy to be climbing up a tree, but it’s probably for something else.

Now, on to the fic!

5) Separation

That’s the thing you do to divide an egg up when you’re baking, right?

They were up in the tree that Mufasa put Simba down and Horner sat down when Simba asked,

“Are we going to see Uncle Scar again?”

I’d be a little more curious as to why this random tree trunk is so roomy, and possibly wondering what happened to the velociraptors that were chasing then, but that’s just me.

“It depends where he goes,” Mufasa told him. “Your uncle has always been secretive.”

Yeah, but he’s been here exactly as long as you have. It’s not like he’s had time to start up a secret stegosaurus army or something.

“Why won’t he ever stay with us at home?

Because Scar is male and that’s not how things work in a lion pride.

How did he get the scar?”

Mufasa never wanted to say this to Simba but now was the time.

Hanging off a tree trunk in the middle of a strange forest is the perfect time for exposition?

“It came from an accident. He led me to the buffalo for a reason but in the meantime, Uncle Scar was hurt. A buffalo attacked him.”

Ummm … What?

“Was he okay?”

Dude, he has a massive scar across his face. Of course he wasn’t okay, that would be a major injury.

“Of course.

:headdesk:

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2590: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Six, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, patrons.  Now that things have settled into a new routine for me, unstable as it is, I finally have the time and energy to devote to getting some more True Force churned out.  Even so, expect the next few installments to be shorter than typical as I catch my stride.

Crunchy?

“Perhaps I will go with something more coherent this week due to our lengthy absence.  The previous chapter was devoted to the party exploring the Gerudo Mines which, among other things, became the new home of the carpenter sidequest canonically present in the Gerudo Fortress.  Additionally, the Gerudo’s experiments into fusion power were unearthed to no meaningful end.  That is the entirety of anything meaningful from the last chapter, and both are a bit of a stretch to call ‘meaningful’.”

That is near frighteningly comprehensible for a recap.”

“I shall endeavor to adhere to my prior standards in future installments.”

Let’s check out this chapter’s inane disclaimer.

Disclaimer: It’s becoming increasingly difficult to write witty sayings about how I don’t own anything except the plot…

It’s kind of adorable that you thought any of the disclaimers were witty.

now, where’s that cyber feather duster? I’d better find it before I start sneezing up a storm…

… Wha?

“One assumes Vikki is allergic to the lack of dust in the air thus she needs to stir some up.”

True as that may be, why the hell is that in the disclaimer?

Author’s Notes-

Sorry it’s been a while since my last update, I recently started a new webcomic series on my Tumblr, and as I’m updating every Friday (barring some kind of emergency or something), it’s been difficult to get each comic done in time in order to be able to set aside time to write…

Irrelevant, but I have seen the comic series in question and, aside from it being about something I have no interest in, it’s not terribly drawn even if I find the writing to be lackluster.  Certainly it’s far better than this fic by a tremendous margin.

Oh, and college isn’t helping all that much. Even when I want to write during the week I usually pass out for a nap when I get home.

“Also entirely without relevance.”

Anyway, I’m shooting for our group of adventurers to finally make it to the Colossus in this one.

Will they succeed?

Hey look!  Relevant, but doesn’t need to be an author’s note because we’ll know how far the fic gets just by reading it.

Let’s find out, shall we?

“Hold, was declining an option that I was not made aware of?”

Only if you want to get worked over by Carlos.

“There are worse fates.”

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2589: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 3

-WARNING-
This chapter contains more potential flamebait in the form of the author continuing to ramble about the Middle East, zionism, communism, and a bunch of other random hot-button crap.

Also, there are still Nazis.
Theoretically.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years. It’s been a while, actually, due to my own writing kind of taking over for a little bit, but now I’m back in this for as long as it takes to finish this stupid Wehraboo ‘Muchafic that I riffed as a break from The First War but is turning out to be basically exactly like The First War.

Last time we got… a timeline. A timeline in which, after very rapidly exterminating all of the Communist powers (and also the Japanese Empire) from the world, the Third Reich pretty much took a back seat to our old pal ‘Murca, which along with Great Britain had been given a paper-thin fascist makeover. Britain and Russia somehow got absorbed into the Reich and France never stopped being under the Vichy government, but other than that the Nazis really did not do much other than murderize the Communists (who I thought they had already messily exterminated) in Vietnam. A sort of Space Race happened (more of a space run, really, or possibly a space wank, since the might of the Wehrmacht the author had already eliminated every possible competitor) where the Third Reich was more of a Third Wheel to the Axis-aligned United States, complete with side-by-side flags on the Moon. Although they did manage to allow everyone on Earth with a telescope to get a look at their enormous Axis Space Station which could hold twelve men inside of it at once.

If you are wondering what any of this has to do with Mass Effect, yeah, the answer is ‘not very much at all’. Presumably the slight chronological acceleration of the milestones of the space program had something to do with the crashed Council ship they’d encountered in Antarctica, but it never really says. Somewhat more sophisticated but not particularly Council-like technology just kind of pomfs into being for no reason.

We’ve just gotten up to about 1981 in the timeline and it is still going.

Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 7

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