1885: Fazbear Q & A – Chapters 4 & 5

 

Title: Fazbear Q & A
Author: Lolita Westmore
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: Humor/Supernatural
URL Chapter 4
URL Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

Hello, and welcome back to this odd little fic! Not a whole lot happened in the last three chapters, most of which could summarized as ‘stuff happened, little of it related to the source materials’, and I assume the trend will continue.

I don’t own the FNAF series. Just the storyline and Baby.

As we’ve covered extensively in the past, you do NOT need to add disclaimers to a fic – especially not the same exact disclaimer to every blasted chapter.

Ninety years without slumbering (tick, tock, tick, tock), his life’s seconds numbering (tick, tock, tick, tock), it stopped short –never to go again- when the old man died.”

If those look like song lyrics, it’s because they are; specifically the chorus from a very old song called “My Grandfather’s Clock”, which is what the Marionette’s music box plays to keep it quiet. Gold star to the author for that obscure bit of FNAF trivia.

The comforting tinkles of the music box filled a room littered with toys and posters, virtually untouched by time.

This isn’t going to be like one of those artsy ASMR videos, is it?

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1878: Dragon Souls – Chapter One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, back at you with more nitpicking and general grumpiness! No, this is not the fic by GypsySiren I promised, nor is it coming out. To be honest, I’ve called it off for two reasons:

1). It really isn’t “travesty” material. I could probably find things wrong with it, but after a point it feels less like I’m giving good feedback and more like I’m harassing the fic for any little thing to complain about, something I have no interest in doing.

2). It’s boring. Horrendously, horribly boring, and honestly doing two fics by the same author leads to seeing the same issues, and it just wasn’t as good an idea as I thought it would be.

However, while I was doing research for my newly rebooted Dragon Souls- Rekindled… well that spoils the punchline, doesn’t it?

Yes indeed, this abomination is of my very own making. Penned on my way out of highschool, this was one of my first great (in size only) fanfics. And it shows, by the nine divines and all the rest of them does it fucking show. This was written in July of 2014, a little over a year after my novel. In my opinion, this period was my best and my worst at once. My ability to conceive long and epic stories was building up pretty well, but FishSlayer, the saint she is, didn’t save me from myself and prompt an entire paradigm shift in how I write fics until just last year, in 2016.

Now, 2014 was only three years ago so you’d think it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, I cringed so hard I wanted to seppuku after reading just a few paragraphs, enough to inspire putting it here, so that bad. This is going to hurt really, really badly.

I’ve got the Heresy Counter warmed up, as well as the other counters I’m going to need. Alright, you know what Dark Souls is, you know what Skyrim is, let’s go in hot.

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1783: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part Two (Now with RealTalk™)

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey, guys!  We’re finally here, the grand finale of Heroes and Villains!  It’s celebration time!

“YAY!”

*Eliza sprays confetti everywhere*

I have deep regrets.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened with the Malkavians.  Mostly stupid stuff that involved horrible accents, German, and an illogical deal where Willow promised to hand over the city to them.  Really, at this point the fic has lost all pretense of trying to have a plot and now it’s just random shit happening while Igor moons over IndigoStars.

“I still feel really embarrassed for Igor.”

Luckily this fic is gone and was super obscure even before she pulled it down.  And now it’s being featured on a riff blog that is every bit as obscure.  It’s unlikely Indigo will ever see it.  Anyway, let’s see what we’ve got this week.

Also, to address the elephant in the room, I discovered today that Igor is transgender and prefers the feminine pronoun.  My bad on that one, but I had to dig pretty deep into the internet to discover it, so I see it as an honest mistake.  Regardless, I’ve corrected it moving forward.

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1776: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu – Chapter 2

Title: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu
Author: William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Media: Books
Topic: H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
Genre: Horror/Supernatural
URL:  Chapter 2
Critiqued by
: AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons!

Today we return with more of Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu, William Ungerstein Fmergio’s disastrous attempt to turn H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos into a high-school AU.

Yes.

Really.”

Last time we were introduced to Popo Spawn-of-Cthulhu-the-Cancerous-Tentacled-Blemish-on-the-Cosmos-Birther-of-Maggots-and-Vermin, a high-school girl who is somehow also the direct biological offspring of a building-sized Great Old One. She managed to starve herself to death in the middle of a populated city after her parents went on vacation and somehow transferred their mortgage into her name…

… and was promptly somehow resurrected by Great Cthulhu to serve as His ‘champion’ in a ‘war’ with basically every other inhabitant of the Mythos (which would be fought entirely by solo human representatives because apparently the Great Old Ones suddenly care about the Prime Directive for some glubbing reason).”

This resulted in her increasing a cup size and her hair turning green. That’s literally it.

So she went back to her human secondary school and basically continued business as glubbing usual, although she also tried to look up Great Cthulhu in the library and can’t find anything until another young female named Hanako pointed her directly to the works of H. P. Lovecraft himself (whose existence inside what me and the other Mythos types call ‘reality’ still makes my head hurt). A little later Hanako turned into some sort of cross-between-a-Deep-One-and-a-Black-Sabbath-album-cover thing and tried to strangle Popo to death in the name of Father Dagon. I for one was completely onboard with that, but then Hanako got killed by some other girl named Natasha who used the plague-based (?) powers given to her by Nyarlathotep to climb out of Hanako’s shadow and dissolve her where she stood.”

And if any of this sounds actually interesting to you, just imagine it being related in prose more appropriate for the troubleshooting manual of a cordless drill.

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1771: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-One, Part Two

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Heyo, patrons!  Are you all ready for another installment of Heroes and Villains!?

Too bad, we’re doing it anyway.  I’m super busy dealing with all the ransomware fallout this week, so we’re just going to jump right in without any more preamble.

“Did you know that apparently Malkavians can’t be killed with stakes?” Willow asked the others, showing them the page in the book she was reading.

“Yes.  It’s been mentioned several times now.”

I changed my mind, can we go back to doing a preamble?

“Too late, keep going!”

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1763: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-One, Part One

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Welp, we’re finally there, the home stretch.  Now that Igor is completely out of fucks to give, we enter the freefall stage.  The shark jumps, the editing dwindles, and what passes for the plot becomes even more fragmented and incoherent.

“You make it sound so good!”

Don’t I, though?

“Recap?”

Sure.  Spike does a sparring session with team Buffy, and then quickly drops that in favor of most of the group running off to go look for the very items that Willow was just told about in the previous scene.  Because that’s how good writing works.  On their way there Jim is invited to exposit his backstory, which he does.  It’s a contrived backstory, and since it’s about a character that nobody honestly gives a shit about, there’s no real need to revisit it.   After a quick chat with the embodiment of the plot, they’re directed to the same place Willow’s going.  It’s also dropped that Igor has decided to change his mistake into a plot point involving Sunnydale being completely restored.  Presumably with a “because magic” in there somewhere.  And if you’re wondering why it took the members of Team Buffy this long to think something was strange with Sunnydale being back, then you’d be forgetting that nobody in this fic actually has a brain.

“It turns out that you don’t need one to star in a fanfic!”

The chapter trails off with a scene of DEEP FORESHADOWING™ where a bunch of vampires with extremely fake accents talk about stuff that I can’t be bothered to remember, and then an ASMR vampire shows up because why the fuck not?  Igor literally had no fucks left to give when he wrote that scene, which is why I skimmed the crap out of it.

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1751: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty, Part Two

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey guys!  Welcome back to Heroes and Villains, the fic with more nothing in it than any other fic!

“Not to mention more pointless references!”

Yes, there is that.  Last time?

“Four words, Taco: Compulsory Physical Fitness Program!”

Wasn’t there also something about Vampire the Masquerade?

“Crazy vampires have the best bling, and Mr. Red wants it.”

Right, how could I forgot.  Onward to part two!  And, as promised, it’s all about team Buffy.

“Talking to each other.”

But of course.

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