1917: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and Invaded by God-Prince Sanyn Ruanna Beuxllon

Trigger Warning: Unlike last one, this is serious. You see, the closeted misogyny popping up here and there gets worse by enough magnitudes to warrant a trigger warning. If you’re very uncomfortable with groping, you may want to skim some sections.

Also, your humble author has an out-of-character catastrophic mental breakdown that isn’t played for laughs. If you read The Savior, you know what I’m talking about. So be wary.

Oh fuck me, no!

Beuxllon: I, the glorious and virile and all-powerful spectacular Beuxllon, heard tell that someone from the general vicinity of this place was disparaging the eternal glory that is me. Now I am traversed all of times and space and all that fuckery to kick that infidel in the face, surrender to me your infidel fool! Ooo!

*Beuxllon overtakes Hosen*

Beuxllon: Happy and glorious occasion it’s Rosfyr! I thought you were just a figment of my imagination; a very annoying figment that never allows me to indulge in the festivities of life!

Rosfyr is just my Self-Insert, I’m not actually- *Hosen is interrupted by an ebony-clad boot burying itself in his face, throwing him from his riffing chair*

Beuxllon: Nyehahahahaa *snork* Finally! Of all the faces I have acquainted with mine armor-clad footpads, your face was the face I was most desiring to kick. Granted, I could have just kicked myself to spite you, but you know it’s really fucking hard to kick yourself in the face with the base of your foot and not the- umm- you are my bitch! Grovel before me!

*Hosen rubs his nose* It’d say it’s a good thing I revised you, but no, you’re about the same. At least in-universe there are others to bring you in line.

Beuxllon: Blasphemy! I am a god, none may hinder my all powerful- power, to wreak my unholy retribution of the things upon the world that should have been mine but was not because  . Now, witness the power of a fully-

*Suddenly and from behind, Abrelepine appears from the SDQF to defend Hosen, but freezes upon seeing the neon-yellow haired calamity*

-The two stop a moment as they regard eachother, before Beuxllon gives an enthusiastic wave- Hi, honey!

Abrelepine: Oh my, I didn’t realize you were coming.

*Beuxllon puts a hand of indignation over his heart* You wound me! I thought after the first fifty times we dirted the sheets, you’d pick up on the many subtle nuances of my persona.

Abrelepine: That’s hyperbole and you know it.

Beuxllon: Give it time.

Abrelepine: *scoff* Of course you’d say that.

Beuxllon: Now you’re remembering, wondrous wife of mine.

Abrelepine: Should I take a form you’re more used to while we catch up?

Beuxllon: You madden me no matter what skin you put on.

*Hosen gets back in his chair, talking over the lovers snogging in the background as he adjusts his  * I guess I’ll just continue.

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1909: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Trigger Warning that Most Definitely Should be Heeded: Herein is a body of text quoted from the hawtest hawtsecks novel ever put to pen in all of history that will destroy the minds of anyone under age 69 who reads it, therefore it should not be read by anyone ever or you will die of hotness.

-Numerous Sarcasm Detectors explode in incredible fashion-

Welcome back Patrons, to the Hosen Suffers Party! If you want suffering, you’ve come to the right place! Last time… a whole lot of pointless plot regurgitation because younger me didn’t know any better, and thought having a chapter of plot regurgitation was A-Ok.

There wasn’t much to comment on, but trust me, that’s going to change very quickly.

Let’s start with the obligatory A/N:

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1903: A spiritual waffles after an isolate existence – One Shot (But it’s actually 10 chapters)

Title: A spiritual waffles after an isolate existence
Author: Hamiltonlover2002
Media: Book/Musical/TV Show/Fanfiction
Topic: Harry Potter/Hamilton/Sherlock/Possibly My Immortal/Supernatural/Kitchen Sink
Genre: Tragedy/Supernatural
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie

Prologue lolz:

*takes a long drink of blood from a bottle she has* Alright, I guess I might as well search for fics to review so I have work set out for me after I finish Unknown Origins. Mmm…*clicks on a fanfiction*

…this can’t wait.

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1901: Dragon Souls – Chapter Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, welcome back to the “Hosen Suffers for his Sins” party! Drinks are hard and complimentary, you’re going to need them. I’m drunk as FUCK already *chug chug chug chug* There’s also chocolate, popcorn, chocolate popcorn, and a few dubious munchies I borrowed from Syl without her knowledge or permission.

-Hosen lifts a glowing bag of squiggly live squids salted with pepper, uranium, and extremophile bacteria from somewhere around Kuiper Belt- If this kills me, I can get out of doing the Riff! *nom*

…Dammit! It’s spicy and delicious.

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1885: Fazbear Q & A – Chapters 4 & 5

 

Title: Fazbear Q & A
Author: Lolita Westmore
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
Genre: Humor/Supernatural
URL Chapter 4
URL Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

Hello, and welcome back to this odd little fic! Not a whole lot happened in the last three chapters, most of which could summarized as ‘stuff happened, little of it related to the source materials’, and I assume the trend will continue.

I don’t own the FNAF series. Just the storyline and Baby.

As we’ve covered extensively in the past, you do NOT need to add disclaimers to a fic – especially not the same exact disclaimer to every blasted chapter.

Ninety years without slumbering (tick, tock, tick, tock), his life’s seconds numbering (tick, tock, tick, tock), it stopped short –never to go again- when the old man died.”

If those look like song lyrics, it’s because they are; specifically the chorus from a very old song called “My Grandfather’s Clock”, which is what the Marionette’s music box plays to keep it quiet. Gold star to the author for that obscure bit of FNAF trivia.

The comforting tinkles of the music box filled a room littered with toys and posters, virtually untouched by time.

This isn’t going to be like one of those artsy ASMR videos, is it?

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1878: Dragon Souls – Chapter One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, back at you with more nitpicking and general grumpiness! No, this is not the fic by GypsySiren I promised, nor is it coming out. To be honest, I’ve called it off for two reasons:

1). It really isn’t “travesty” material. I could probably find things wrong with it, but after a point it feels less like I’m giving good feedback and more like I’m harassing the fic for any little thing to complain about, something I have no interest in doing.

2). It’s boring. Horrendously, horribly boring, and honestly doing two fics by the same author leads to seeing the same issues, and it just wasn’t as good an idea as I thought it would be.

However, while I was doing research for my newly rebooted Dragon Souls- Rekindled… well that spoils the punchline, doesn’t it?

Yes indeed, this abomination is of my very own making. Penned on my way out of highschool, this was one of my first great (in size only) fanfics. And it shows, by the nine divines and all the rest of them does it fucking show. This was written in July of 2014, a little over a year after my novel. In my opinion, this period was my best and my worst at once. My ability to conceive long and epic stories was building up pretty well, but FishSlayer, the saint she is, didn’t save me from myself and prompt an entire paradigm shift in how I write fics until just last year, in 2016.

Now, 2014 was only three years ago so you’d think it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, I cringed so hard I wanted to seppuku after reading just a few paragraphs, enough to inspire putting it here, so that bad. This is going to hurt really, really badly.

I’ve got the Heresy Counter warmed up, as well as the other counters I’m going to need. Alright, you know what Dark Souls is, you know what Skyrim is, let’s go in hot.

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1783: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part Two (Now with RealTalk™)

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey, guys!  We’re finally here, the grand finale of Heroes and Villains!  It’s celebration time!

“YAY!”

*Eliza sprays confetti everywhere*

I have deep regrets.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened with the Malkavians.  Mostly stupid stuff that involved horrible accents, German, and an illogical deal where Willow promised to hand over the city to them.  Really, at this point the fic has lost all pretense of trying to have a plot and now it’s just random shit happening while Igor moons over IndigoStars.

“I still feel really embarrassed for Igor.”

Luckily this fic is gone and was super obscure even before she pulled it down.  And now it’s being featured on a riff blog that is every bit as obscure.  It’s unlikely Indigo will ever see it.  Anyway, let’s see what we’ve got this week.

Also, to address the elephant in the room, I discovered today that Igor is transgender and prefers the feminine pronoun.  My bad on that one, but I had to dig pretty deep into the internet to discover it, so I see it as an honest mistake.  Regardless, I’ve corrected it moving forward.

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