1795: Adopted – Chapter Three

Title: Adopted
Author: Angie J Trifid
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Friendship/Romance
URL: Adopted
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey, folks!  Welcome back to Adopted! Another Raptor and I clone that’s not even trying to pretend it isn’t a Raptor and I clone!

“Hopefully this week we will get to see more raptors.”

Even if we do, I’m not so sure they count as raptors.

“Last time we got introduced to our new Rae!  This model of Rae is referred to as Anna and is the kennel help variety as opposed as the original botany flavor.  The first thing Anna does when arriving in the island is ignore everyone and then notice the dinosaurs.  After that, we went over to the newest model of Sorin called Fitzroy.  He banters with his sister over dinner, complains about the parental pressure to marry, and then makes a bet with his sister over that involves sexually assaulting Nedry as the stakes.”

You make it sound so good.

“Right!?”

This week opens with the now standard author’s note featuring her copy-pasted disclaimer and a gaggle of responses to her reviews.  We’re just going to skip all-

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1788: Adopted – Chapters One and Two

Title: Adopted
Author: Angie J Trifid
Media: Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Friendship/Romance
URL: Adopted
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey guys, welcome back to Wednesday!  Now that we’ve finally put Heroes and Villains behind us, it’s time for a month or so of palate cleansers.  You know what that means: One-sho-

*Eliza slips into the room holding a fic in her talons.  It’s bound in heavy chains with a plethora of locks holding them fast.*

No.  Put that away.  I’m not going to do that one.

“But you promised everyone.  It’s been enough time, Taco, you have to do it.”

But, those fics are so bad, I don’t wanna!

“I’ll help if you like.  I do have some insight into this particular set of fics.”

No!  Go get something else.

“You can have this Caramel Macchiato I picked up from Lina’s.”  *Eliza holds out a Suddenly There™ cup of coffee.*

Well…

*Taco eyes up the coffee*

Fine, you win.  Pop it on the screen and let’s do this thing.  Patrons, this week we have for you Adopted, one of the many fics directly inspired by Raptor and I.  For those of you who have been here a while, or have read through our massive archive of riffs-

“Or have read the minions page.”

Yes, or that.  Anyway, those of you who’ve done one of those will recognize that fic as the one Eliza was rescued from.

“The same one you tried to put me back into.”

It’s been over three years, let it go.

“‘kay!”

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1783: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part Two (Now with RealTalk™)

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey, guys!  We’re finally here, the grand finale of Heroes and Villains!  It’s celebration time!

“YAY!”

*Eliza sprays confetti everywhere*

I have deep regrets.

Let’s see, last time stuff happened with the Malkavians.  Mostly stupid stuff that involved horrible accents, German, and an illogical deal where Willow promised to hand over the city to them.  Really, at this point the fic has lost all pretense of trying to have a plot and now it’s just random shit happening while Igor moons over IndigoStars.

“I still feel really embarrassed for Igor.”

Luckily this fic is gone and was super obscure even before she pulled it down.  And now it’s being featured on a riff blog that is every bit as obscure.  It’s unlikely Indigo will ever see it.  Anyway, let’s see what we’ve got this week.

Also, to address the elephant in the room, I discovered today that Igor is transgender and prefers the feminine pronoun.  My bad on that one, but I had to dig pretty deep into the internet to discover it, so I see it as an honest mistake.  Regardless, I’ve corrected it moving forward.

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1777: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-Two, Part One

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey, everyone!  Welcome back to Heroes and Villains, the fic that dares name itself after two groups of people that it doesn’t portray!

“Not so much as an Awesome McEvil.”

I was going to do a recap, but, honestly, all that you need to know is sunlight, fire, and decapitation.  You know, in general.

“I live my life by that motto!”

Don’t wanna know.  Let’s jump in, shall we?

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1771: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-One, Part Two

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Heyo, patrons!  Are you all ready for another installment of Heroes and Villains!?

Too bad, we’re doing it anyway.  I’m super busy dealing with all the ransomware fallout this week, so we’re just going to jump right in without any more preamble.

“Did you know that apparently Malkavians can’t be killed with stakes?” Willow asked the others, showing them the page in the book she was reading.

“Yes.  It’s been mentioned several times now.”

I changed my mind, can we go back to doing a preamble?

“Too late, keep going!”

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1763: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty-One, Part One

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Welp, we’re finally there, the home stretch.  Now that Igor is completely out of fucks to give, we enter the freefall stage.  The shark jumps, the editing dwindles, and what passes for the plot becomes even more fragmented and incoherent.

“You make it sound so good!”

Don’t I, though?

“Recap?”

Sure.  Spike does a sparring session with team Buffy, and then quickly drops that in favor of most of the group running off to go look for the very items that Willow was just told about in the previous scene.  Because that’s how good writing works.  On their way there Jim is invited to exposit his backstory, which he does.  It’s a contrived backstory, and since it’s about a character that nobody honestly gives a shit about, there’s no real need to revisit it.   After a quick chat with the embodiment of the plot, they’re directed to the same place Willow’s going.  It’s also dropped that Igor has decided to change his mistake into a plot point involving Sunnydale being completely restored.  Presumably with a “because magic” in there somewhere.  And if you’re wondering why it took the members of Team Buffy this long to think something was strange with Sunnydale being back, then you’d be forgetting that nobody in this fic actually has a brain.

“It turns out that you don’t need one to star in a fanfic!”

The chapter trails off with a scene of DEEP FORESHADOWING™ where a bunch of vampires with extremely fake accents talk about stuff that I can’t be bothered to remember, and then an ASMR vampire shows up because why the fuck not?  Igor literally had no fucks left to give when he wrote that scene, which is why I skimmed the crap out of it.

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1751: Heroes and Villains – Chapter Twenty, Part Two

Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Supernatural/Drama
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey guys!  Welcome back to Heroes and Villains, the fic with more nothing in it than any other fic!

“Not to mention more pointless references!”

Yes, there is that.  Last time?

“Four words, Taco: Compulsory Physical Fitness Program!”

Wasn’t there also something about Vampire the Masquerade?

“Crazy vampires have the best bling, and Mr. Red wants it.”

Right, how could I forgot.  Onward to part two!  And, as promised, it’s all about team Buffy.

“Talking to each other.”

But of course.

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