2242: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapters 10 and 11

 Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 10 and Chapter 11
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

*All is quiet in RIFFCON save for the droning of alarms, sparking of severed electrical wires, and shifting of debris. After much struggling and many profanities, AdmiralSakai pops out of a rubble pile like an especially bedraggled skeleton and hauls himself into an un-crunched rollie chair. After a few seconds Troy Fisher and Dominic Torus cautiously peek out from an electrical closet and join him- Troy’s armor is smudged with grease and concrete powder, while the Director’s crisp blue uniform is, of course, spotless.*

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Last time Sly, Carmelita, and some rich, chunky OCs named Coal, Bastion, and Claire stormed a RED compound as part of their crazy live-fire live-enemy training exercise. This involved a bunch of fucking around with Sly locking the door to the barracks and some RED soldiers named Ivan, Dimitri (no relation) and Sergio being unable to get it open.

It suddenly occurs to me that none of the OCs this story has introduced have last names. What’s up with that?

Anyway, Claire and Sergio both got killed, and then Photonegative Jayden Warney showed up to evacuate the rest of them and mentioned that the entire Russian Federation has surrendered to RED after Moscow and a bunch of other cities (in Russia?? Worldwide???) were somehow completely destroyed. Ostensibly this was accomplished with nuclear missiles or something, but my money is on giant chapter-size textwalls like the one Stalin69 just dropped on us and called Chapter 10.

*Sakai hauls himself out of his rollie-chair and sizes up the monolith. There is not a single line break to be found within its bulk. With a resigned expression he grabs a crowbar and begins chipping away.*

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2237: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapter 9

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide, which continues to feature incredibly little screentime for Sly Cooper or the gang.

Previously, Sly got back from the mission where he needed to prove himself to Photonegative Jayden Warney by leading an attack on a RED outpost, only to be told by Photonegative Jayden Warney that he needed to prove himself by leading an attack on a RED outpost. Only this time it’s supposed to be a training mission so it’s even more backwards and needlessly dangerous.

Also we got introduced to Sly’s new generic OC squadmates Coal and Clair (because I guess the old generic squadmates Felix and Don weren’t rich and chunky enough).  We also got Photonegative Jayden Warney’s rich, chunky backstory about having fought in World War II and then betrayed by the Red Army and frozen in ice for several decades which somehow was intended to explain why he at times speaks perfect English and other times in a Russian accent Tarzan grammar and makes him a sort of weird hybrid of a Call of Duty character and Jean Bison from Sly 2. Last but not least Sly had a conversation at PJW’s base with a rich, chunky gardener named Bastion, who apparently has the power to interact with people’s dreams from miles away and sent Sly a rich, chunky vision of… a dental procedure, I guess, it was all very vague. Also characters repeatedly use the non-word ‘attal’ in contexts where they are referring to PJW’s organization, so while I have no idea what that was originally supposed to be I’m just going to use it as the name from now on.

We left off with Sly, Carmelita, possibly Murray, and The C&C Blather Factory camped out in the wilderness as part of their training mission.

Oh yeah, and those missiles that got launched from the RED base a few chapters ago kind of just petered out and did nothing, much like the plot arc in general.

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2230: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide — Chapters 7 and 8

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 7 and Chapter 8
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Previously on this rejected Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare script which happens to feature a pair of counterterrorism agents named Sly Cooper and Carmelita Fox, the whole ‘amnesia’ plot kind of just petered out of its own accord as Sly was reintroduced to the rest of the Cooper Gang and they all sort of agreed by omission of protest to work for Photonegative Jayden Warney in fighting the mysterious RED. We were introduced to a bunch of interchangeable annoying squadmates who the Cooper Gang will be working with, and PJW sent them all on a very poorly-thought-through mission to steal a bunch of gold from a RED outpost (his entire paramilitary force seems to be funded off of Goldline). Sly snuck ahead to take out the base defenses and was instead confronted by a RED officer the ‘fic just calls “Person” who subscribes to the Klingon School of Human Resources Management and tricked Sly into launching the ‘gold’ (which was actually a bunch of missiles) into orbit before everyone absconded the fuck out of the exploding base.

Somehow it all made even less sense in context.

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2225: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide — Chapters 4, ‘5’, and 6

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and Zootopia I guess)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 4, “Chapter” 5, and Chapter 6
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons! It’s been a long and confusing couple of months involving certain members of my support staff and shapeshifting insects that are waaay more resistant to ionizing radiation than anything has any right whatsoever to be and copious amounts of green slime and also a Master’s thesis, but after a full security sweep of RIFFCON and about five thousand showers I think I’m finally ready to welcome you back once again to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

“Whoop de fuckin’ doo.”

Previously, Carmelita and Sly (the latter of whom is still suffering from amnesia and believes himself to be an INTERPOL agent) were sent to Russia alongside a platoon of soldiers to protect a single truck full of non-weapons-grade uranium that the feared leftist-rightist-separatist-nationalist group ‘RED’ for some reason wants. A bunch of gun porn went down as a few RED fighters attacked the convoy and pretty much routed the more numerous and better-equipped Russian/INTERPOL team, but some random dude in a mask that makes him look like a photonegative Jayden Warney saved Sly and Carmelita and was also revealed to look exactly like Sly so he’s probably Sly’s half-brother or whatever. He goes be ‘Ras’, whatever the hell that means.

PJW brought the two agents back to his giant mountain base and tortured them for extremely basic information he could easily look up for a while before they made an escape attempt and then randomly stood down for no reason. PJW decided they were all buddies now and introduced them to some of his other troops, most prominently a lieutenant named Summer who basically exists to be a pinup and also Bentley who is working with him for some reason. We left off just as Bentley was figuring out that Sly didn’t recognize him or remember his time in the Cooper Gang. Also the whole thing is still in script format.

“We resume the insanity with Chapter Four.”

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2190: Sly cooper and the gang in: Red Tide — Chapters 2 and 3

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy / Zootopia
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Previously, we spent a great deal of time watching Sly and Carmelita talk about nothing much following Cooper’s recovery from a brief coma and admission that he had lost most of his memories of being a part of the Cooper Gang.  After that there was a flashback for no apparent reason involving Carmelita’s boss- someone or something known only as “Chief Wiggins”- running from thugs hired by what I can only assume is a Zootopia character named ‘Mr. Big’ alongside Sly’s dad, who in this story is named ‘Zach’ and is a broey womanizing douchebag. Also in the present Sly got approved as an Interpol agent and beat up a bunch of test dummies and then Bentley put his logo on the lens of a security camera to presumably indicate that he was trying to contact Sly although it’s really not clear. Oh yeah and did I mention that the entire thing is in script format?

“I’m beginning to question the decisions that led me to this point.”

“Aww, quit your bellyachin’. We haven’t even gotten into combat yet.”

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2183: Sly cooper and the gang in: Red Tide — Chapter 1

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy / Zootopia
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons! Before we begin our next adventure I’d like to introduce our latest addition to the RIFFCON staff: Former INTERPOL Chief Director Dominic Torus!

*At the control station to Sakai’s immediate right sits a craggy-featured cape buffalo. Although clearly pushing upward in years he nonetheless cuts an imposing figure, the numerous medals adorning his crisp blue uniform jacket understated but no less impressive for it and his blue eyes still shining with flinty determination.*

“My fellow Librarians. There’s much to be done and so I won’t waste your time with platitudes or empty philosophy. The disaster in Switzerland may have cost me my position and the respect of far too many good officers, but I will not give up my obligation to the people Interpol serves. You’ve all committed everything to pursuing crimes against the English language, and I will promise you the same in return. Those under my command who’ve sacrificed so much to secure a safer future for the world deserve nothing less.

Thank you.”

*In the leftmost control station, a young human male in UNSC-issue body armor sits slack-jawed for a few seconds before giving a low whistle.*

Damn. I just wish we’d had this guy with us on Lacerta instead of that creepy Spartan fucker.”

“You’re far too kind, Lieutenant. I’d like to think I just did what any reasonable person in my position would have done.”

Yeah I figured the two of you would probably get along pretty well.

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2177: Slasher Oneshot Marathon!

Title: The texas chainsaw massacre: once again; The Real Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween: Death Comes Calling; Fiery Passion; New masked killer; Murder from Scream
Author: doctorwhofan123456789; G.I. Joe Adventure Team; KLeslie; bloodyrose2014; Droids Boys; MeLoNa05
Media: Film
Topic: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Scream; Scream
Genre: Horror / Drama; Crime / Horror; Horror / Romance; Romance / Horror; Horror / Drama; Horror / Poetry
URL: The texas chainsaw massacre: once againThe Real Texas Chainsaw MassacreHalloween: Death Comes CallingFiery PassionNew masked killerMurder from Scream
Critiqued by BatJamags (and Spider-Man)

A little game for the reader: By the end of the riff, guess which YouTube channel I’ve been watching a lot of recently.

Also, when I say “marathon,” I mean it. This is long, but I was having way too much fun to cut it down. Just thought I’d let you know ahead of time. Seriously, though, it’s about three times as long as my normal riffs.

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to Man. It is a dimension as vast as the author’s note to My Inner Life, and as timesquiggly as My Immortal. It is the middle ground between light and Edgelord, between thermal radiation and BLUE; and it lies between the pit of a riffer’s fears and the summit of his anger. This is the dimension of bad horror oneshots. It is an area which we call… the Badfic Zone.

Respectfully submitted for your derision: A cavalcade of spooky, scary, and quite possibly skeletal oneshots from a wide selection of horror films!

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