2449: SOMA: the story (my version)

Title: SOMA: the story (my version)
Author: evamartin26hotmail.fr
Topic: SOMA
Media: Video Game
Genre: Horror/Sci-fi
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12843438
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Major Wade

*The Bongo is a sparking mess. Replacement meatshields crew are disembarking from shuttlecraft within the sole functioning shuttlebay. Disco balls are being cranked back into the ceilings. Blown electrics are being repaired. Half the lights are blown, and the other half are flickering menacingly. The mess hall is unusable, and is filled with rotting souflees. Dead bodies line many of the hallways, either crushed by the force of immense gravity, or thrown about violently when the gravity was disabled. The bridge is half disassembled, with many consoles removed for repairs, leaving in their place tangles messes of wiring and the occasional Space Weevil. Only the captain’s console and the tactical station remain intact*

Goddamn superlasers…seriously, next time we dock at a riffbase, I’m installing circuit breakers…*Minh notices the viewscreen is on*

Hello patrons, and welcome to Spooktober! I’m Crazy Minh, and he’s Major Wade!

Sir, I have three hundred OHS forms here for you to sign off on. Also a bunch of status reports, some damage assessments, a handful of requisition forms, and a few thousand letters that need to be sent to the families of the deceased.

Not now, Wade! Today, we’re celebrating Spooktober with a story based on the psychological horror game, SOMA!

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2442: Book of Digimon – Chapter Three

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*Recording starts up*

Zeus: What do you mean there’s a creepypasta character in the storage room?!

Nimitz: *via holoprojector* I don’t know. One day, a fire team got banished, and now I’m escorting the ghost of a 6 year old through the lower levels.

Zeus: *slaps self* Well, try to find a good spot. I’ll send you a story that you can tear apart with her. Zeus out.

Now, where were we?

*clears throat*

Okay, so here’s the 3rd and final chapter of the Book of Digimon. And honestly, I can’t wait to get this done. Last time, everyone ended up in heaven somehow, either because they got teleported (Barriss) or had access to a goddamned inter dimensional portal (the Jedi)

Svarti: While recent tales suggest something like that is plausible, it doesn’t work like that.

Martinov: So you’re buying the time travel stuff too?

Zeus: Regardless of all this, when we left off, Kallig offered the Jedi some refreshments.

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2435: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which may at some point have had something vaguely to do with Mass Effect.

Last time, some random Marines who refused to surrender on Roof engaged in a convoluted process to get a signal back to Earth informing their friends that the planet had been invaded.

You know, it just occurred to me that this seems like a bit of an unnecessary objective for the Marines to even be pursuing. Since system-to-system communication is pretty easy for the humans and there were previously established to be news and personal messages being sent back and forth routinely, one would think that just the prolonged silence of the planet would cause Earth to send in an expeditionary force to check it out pretty quickly without anyone on Roof even needing to do anything.

Also ‘Roof’ is still a terrible name for a planet.

Either way, the message had the unfortunate side effect of informing the turians of Earth’s location, so now they’re gearing up for a full-scale assault.

first_war_bb_8

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2432: Book of Digimon – Chapter Two

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*recording starts up*

Zeus: Hello again, we’re continuing the riff of “Book of Digimon.” To sum up the last two parts-a caricature of the Old Republic decided to send Barriss Office to the slave pens of Tatooine (despite knowing damn well what it’s like). Then two OC/Self Inserts came in, and somehow made the fic worse by not only including SWTOR references, along with being overpowered to the point that even Starkiller would’ve been reasonable, but there were implications that God was involved in the creation of the TRUE CODE of the Jedi. 

And there were Digimon, but when you screw up Star Wars to the degree of Bright, nobody really cares at that point.

Martinov: Not to mention that everyone was out of character. And a chump.

Svarti: And the less said about the light show, the better.

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2430: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which I’m pretty sure is up to its second war now or possibly even third  but I am very sure has something to do with Mass Effect.

Previously, thanks to a tip by some mustache-twirling batarians, the turians finally managed to track down the Migrant Fleet on Roof, and save said batarians from complete extermination at the hands of the quarians. The quarians, indignant over the interruption of their latest unprovoked mass murder of civilian targets, called in their human pals and tried to attack the turians. Again.

This actually went about as well as you would reasonably expect- to quote Ross Scott, shooting the cops in fact means they just send a lot more cops, and with literally thousands of turian ships pouring into the system the Alliance’s ass was resoundingly kicked. Turian troops even landed on Roof’s surface, but then the Alliance decided to use shitty knockoff orbital nukes to kill everyone– turians, quarians, human civilians, and whatever else- rather than allow filthy alien feet to desecrate their sacred soil.

Unsurprisingly, this left the Hierarchy more than a little pissed.

first_war_bb_8

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2429: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure – Chapter 2 Part 2 and Chapter 3 Part 1

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: Eclipse Pheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486706
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Major Wade

WARNING: THIS IS A EP FIC! EXPECT TRIGGERS AT SOME POINT!

Hello Patrons, and welcome back to another instalment of Trapped In 40k by Eclipse Pheniox! I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and joining me again as my special guest is Major Wade!

Heya!

Today, we cover the last bit of Chapter two, and the first half of Chapter three! We left off with the Inquisitor leaving the Chapel-Which-Is-Also-An-ER-Room-Which-Is-Also-A-Flower-Pot.

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2424: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 5 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which up until now I was worried was actually a 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ‘fic.

Previously, the quarians and humans had a bunch of ethnic tensions going on as the quarians colonized Eden. Then a fleet of four hundred batarian ships showed up, intent on colonizing what they thought was an uninhabited system (they call it ‘Porland’ instead of ‘Eden’ for reasons I cannot begin to fathom), no doubt loaded to the brim with mustache wax, large hams, and Campbell’s Rich & Chunky.

The batarians told the quarians running the joint defense fleet to clear off or they would tell the Council their location, and then the quarians told the batarians “don’t give our location to the people who want to arrest us for our indiscriminate murders, because if you do we’ll indiscriminately murder you as well! We’re such great people!”

Surprisingly, the batarians decided this qualified as a threat and went ahead and preemptively attacked the quarians.

first_war_bb_6.png

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