2406: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: Mass Effect Edition: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Previously, the whole “quarian-human first contact” thing inched minutely closer to actually having high-level talks, with a delegation of humans being formed to meet with a quarian forward party on Earth. One of them was an individual named Christopher McGraw who is a super-successful teenage prodigy engineer with a cybernetic arm, daddy issues, an insolent attitude, and a prissy AI assistant- basically, Tony Stark with none of the redeeming qualities. I hate him already.

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2401: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Last time, the unnecessary face-to-face meeting between the Alliance and the quarians devolved into an unnecessary gunfight between the Alliance and the quarians after the quarians saw an AI and freaked out. But then the humans and their Spartan-knockoffs wiped the floor with the quarians and all was made fine and dandy  and the AI got to preach a bunch, so this didn’t really amount to anything other than making the last few chapters both a peaceful cheerleader First Contact and a curbstomp First Contact at the exact same time.

I didn’t even know that was possible, but HFY finds a way.

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2400: Captain Rapist’s Quarter-Assed Adventure – Chapter 1 Part 2

Title: Trapped in 40k
Author: Eclipse Pheniox
Topic: Warhammer 40,000
Media: Tabletop Game
Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Crazy Minh and Major Wade

Look, this is a EP fic. Just…just be on the lookout for pretty much ~all~ the triggers here. Trivialisation of something is to be expected. May the Force be with you, Patrons.

Hello Patrons, and welcome back to part two of Eclipse Pheniox’s ‘Trapped In 40k’, a rewrite of the equally terrible ‘Trapped’. I’m your guest riffer, Crazy Minh, and today we’ll be diving ever deeper into the hellgate that is this fic. Last time, a Inquisitor did the impossible task of capturing a Farseer, threatened a member of her command for doing his job, EP fell out of a exploding Webway gate, and we got vaguely introduced to EP’s rewritten harem. Now, let us begin our descent into hell once more!

So… I guess we’re just going to ignore the fact that you dragged me backwards in time to riff this with you, before you actually introduced me?

Hey man, this is a starship. Lotsa impossible wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey bullshit happens aboard these things. I mean, space may be a final frontier; but it’s not the final frontier. There’s always some frontier to break new ground on.

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2396: Mass Foundations: A New Day, Chapter Two

Title: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Author:  Nord Ronnoc
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden and special guest Jennifer Mui

 

DISCLAIMER: THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC, NORD RONNOC, AND RESIDENT LIBRARIAN HERR WOZZECK HAVE SOME HISTORY WITH ONE ANOTHER WHICH INCLUDES AN ON-AGAIN/OFF-AGAIN FEUD. I AM FAMILIAR WITH BOTH PARTIES AND HAVE NO STAKE OR INVOLVEMENT IN SAID FEUD. THIS IS SIMPLY A CRITIQUE OF NORD RONNOC’S STORY; NOTHING MORE OR LESS.

Welcome back to the Riff of Mass Foundations: A New Day, everyone. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden joined once again by Earth’s Most Expensive Mercenary, Jennifer Mui.

*waits for the applause and groans to die down*

Now before we begin, we need to do some preparations. *holds out a SIG-Sauer P226 in 9mm along with several magazines and ammo for the same to Mui*

Mui: You’re sure about this?

It’s just a precaution. Besides, I won’t have it said that I wasn’t accommodating to my guests.

Mui: “A precaution?” What sort of situation are we going to get into where I’m going to need a sidearm?

You never know in this place. Might be bullshit from the fic, or some of our more colorful and/or annoying denizens will cause a mess that needs cleaned up.

Mui: Fair enough. Ever since Venezuela, I’ve become rather attached to the idea of being armed at all times.

I hear you on that. Let’s get started, shall we? Last chapter, Not!Art found a magick orb that sent him flying through space and time, dumping him head-first into the Citadel Reservoir. Unfortunately, he got fished out of there before he drowned and we have to continue on. First off we get an Author’s Note!

Mui: Are we going to be dealing with this every chapter?

It’s another common thing with fanfiction: authors just love leaving notes in their fics that add nothing to the story. Another trap I fell into myself.

Mui: *sighs* Fine. At least I’m not nursing a hangover this time…

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2394: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Story: Mass Effect.

Last time, the quarian and human first contact teams finally got around to learning each other’s languages and setting up a face-to-face meeting. Then the quarians freaked out because the humans had an AI with them. And that was literally it.

CunkToad might have been willing to give this story more of a pass because there are long stretches where there is little to nothing technically wrong with it, ranging from basic spelling and grammar all the way up to the logical justification of characters’ actions. I, however, am not, because those passages also don’t accomplish anything worth reading about. We do not need to see all of the minutiae of the humans and quarians arranging a face-to-face meeting (and why they even need to do such a thing at this early stage instead of just using Space Skype remains a mystery to me); if nothing particularly informative about the story’s larger objectives or themes happens during that meeting we can just skip over it and everyone will assume it went fine. In fact, we’re some twenty thousand words in and I still don’t have the faintest idea what its larger objectives or themes even are. Other than sucking off the humans and ripping off a bunch of stuff from Halo with worse names, I guess, since we lit up the HFY Bingo Board pretty effectively, but even the standard HFY ship/gun/exposition porn was pretty thin on the ground most of the time. It’s interminable.

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2390: Mass Foundations: A New Day – Chapter One

Title: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Author:  Nord Ronnoc
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden and special guest Jennifer Mui

You ok?

Mui: *groans* “The hell kind of question is that?”

Hey, I told you how potent that tihaar is.

Mui: “Shut up and let’s get on with it.”

Right.

Hello everyone and welcome to the first chapter in my latest riff target: “Mass Foundations: A New Day”! Let’s get cracking.

Chapter 1: Arrival

Oh, damn. He’s jumping right in with blowing up the Alpha relay and killing a Batarian colony.

Mui: “Wait, what? You’re going to have to explain.”

In a nutshell, “Arrival” is the name of a downloadable content mission for the video game Mass Effect 2 where you destroy an entire star system to prevent an invasion of sentinent machines hell-bent on harvesting all organics in a never-ending cycle that repeats every 50,000 years.

Mui: “So that’s why we’ve never seen aliens for real?”

Pretty much. Anyways, this star system held a colony of the Batarian Hegemony, a sworn enemy of humanity and millions of civilians died. Needless to say, it was a fucked-up situation. Now I know I snarked the Author’s Note in my last submission, but I’d like to point something out:

UPDATE 1/14/17

So this note is from 2017. The original post date?

Published: Apr 12, 2016

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2388: Mass Effect: The First War — Chapter 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War, which takes place in Mass Effect!

Last time, a human expedition encountered the quarian Migrant Fleet and exchanged preliminary First Contact transmissions of dubious quality.

And they did so very, very slowly.

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Not seeing much movement on the ol’ Bingo Board yet, although we have had some borderline Halo ripoffs and tentative demonization of the turians.

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