2617: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 12 Part 2

-WARNING-
This chapter contains some potential flamebait in the form of the author perhaps unintentionally outing himself as a “hard currency” advocate, and also making the quarians dyed-in-the-wool sexists for some reason.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Stumans sent a very purply-named warship to the Citadel to begin peace talks with the Council, with one of the Forgettable Admiralty Blob representing them in the preliminary exchanges. They agreed to send him onto the Citadel with a bunch of human troops disguised as quarians using Bullshit Holography™ for no real reason, and also made plans to detonate a nuke over the Citadel. Meanwhile, on the Council side, salarian respresentative Eistan continued to distort important intelligence and generally make an ass of himself by rambling about the physiology of the opposing delegation, and both he and Tevos T’sael freaked out about Councilor Sparatus wanting to actually have, you know, a negotiating strategy.

Also, Chris McGraw is an unstable, childish creep who doesn’t know the difference between affection and attraction. But we already knew that anyway.

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Let’s see how these peace negotiations inevitably disintegrate.

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2612: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 12 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back after a good long absence to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, everyone’s favorite Geniu’Stu Chris McGraw got into an argument with his father that managed to accomplish absolutely nothing, and Grand Moff Whyte decided to send the quarians to negotiate a peace treaty with the Citadel (since they did so well the last time they were in a position to interact with the Citadel powers). Also, there was a lot of exposition about the turians having a prothean spacecraft that is totally not the Forerunner Dreadnought and a cadre of elite supersoldiers who fight each other in virtual reality all the time and totally aren’t either the SPARTAN-IIs or the canonical Turian Blackwatch.

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2610: Subnautica High – Chapter 5

 

Title: Subnautica High
Author: ShizukaRakugaki44
Media: Video Game
Topic: SubNautica
Genre: Sci-Fi/Romance
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Welcome back, marvelous Patrons!

In the last chapter our intrepid Hugh Mann (whom everyone keeps calling ‘Ryan’ for some reason) got interrogated by a barracuda boy and is supposed to be having a private swim lesson with an attractive human girl who is also a horrible racist, so there’s that to look forward to.

Data Entry 5: Night Swim to Mountain Island (Part 1)

I really hope that the first lesson isn’t going to be “Let’s do a long-distance swim of several kilometres through dangerous predator-infested waters with no chance to rest” because that is a terrible idea. It also occurs to me that I have no idea when the lesson is taking place. Presumably it is during the school day, but there really hasn’t been any indication as to what sort of time-keeping method they are using. The days on 4546B are significantly shorter than on Earth, because video games, so are they using a local time or Earth time to plan out their schedules?

While Marie was demonstrating several basic swimming techniques, Ryan noticed many animals were lurking in the Safe Shallows including fish, rays, and even ones that looked like manatees.

Dude, pay attention to your lessons. You can sight-see later.

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2606: Subnautica High – Chapter 4

Title: Subnautica High
Author: ShizukaRakugaki44
Media: Video Game
Topic: SubNautica
Genre: Sci-Fi/Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Hello, magnificent Patrons, and welcome to one of our old(ish) favorites that has started updating again!

Well … There’s technically been a few chapters dropped over the months, but time has more or less lost all meaning these days so there we go.

For those of you who weren’t around last November you can catch the first three chapters here, but the short version is that a colonist Hugh Mann Ryan is shot down on his way to planet 4546-B and is scooped up by the natives – who mostly appear to be hot anthropomorphic teen versions of the game’s fauna who dress in coordinated outfits corresponding to their origin species’ coloration – so that he can attend high school. The last chapter I covered revealed that the school operates under a draconian caste system with carnivores getting higher status than the herbivores/prey species, who are considered stupid and inferior in every way. Oh, and they can also switch at will between a mer-form and a fully humanoid form, because sexy mermaids are scientifically accurate.

To the fic! Which starts with an Author’s Note.

Sorry for the super long delay. Was busy writing other fanfics and caught up in personal matters, but I’m surprised at how quickly this fanfic became popular despite having only three chapters. So to those who are hyped for the next chapter, I apologize in advance if it doesn’t meet your expectations. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this next installment :)

I checked a few minutes ago and there’s a grand total of fourteen reviews, four of them from the same person and none of them really offering anything constructive, and it had been favorited sixteen times. Not really what I would consider popular; most of the Raptor & I clones have more reviews and favorites.

Data Entry 4: Stalkers

Is that the creepy kind or the kind that bite you in the bum when you’re trying to find salvage?

To Ryan’s surprise, all the teachers at Subnautica High School were crew members from the Sunspot with the Homeroom teacher being Ava Quinn who was descended from Captain Avery Quinn of the Sunbeam ship which exploded above Subnautica a long time ago.

That’s a lot of unnecessary information to pack into a sentence.

There’s a lot of conflicting information regarding how old this colony is; there’s mention of a human colony with extensive shopping areas – something that wouldn’t be a high priority for a fledgling colony – but the only teachers were pulled from the crew rather than being sent specifically to be teachers by Alterra or whomever is sponsoring the colony which makes me think they haven’t been there that long.

But unlike the Aurora, no one survived except for the crews’ relatives who didn’t go to Subnautica initially.

I’m fairly certain that any relatives of the Aurora crew who weren’t on the ship when it exploded also survived. That’s kind of how that works.

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2604: To Waste A Thousand Words — Chapter 4 and 5

-WARNING-
Nazis?
Nazis.
Also some sort of weird rapist cult thing.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Gone.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Words.

A lot has happened since the previous riff, with CrazyMinh’s review of Chapter 3 bringing the author to our comments section and starting a surprisingly civil conversation that cleared up a lot of ambiguity about the neo-Nazi talking points that appeared in previous chapters. Since the actual content of the story (as opposed to the author’s notes) has been getting less and less offensive as it goes on, I don’t foresee much problem continuing.

[MESSAGE FROM THE FUUUUTURE: Famous last words.]

In fact, the actual content of the story is getting less and less storyish as it goes on, thanks to our good friend Mr. Plot Regurgitation. Last chapter, for instance, Shepard talked with Miranda Lawson and Garrus and then got orders to go to Ilium, and the Council went to Earth to watch a Nazi Posturing Parade, and that was… basically it.

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Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 9

Porsche Counter: 5

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2603: Battlestar Prometheus – Chapter 2

Title: Battlestar Prometheus
Author: Ruin Queen Of Oblivion
Topic: Battlestar Galactica/X-Men
Media: TV show/multimedia comics franchise
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Battlestar Prometheus
Critiqued by Crazy Minh & Major Wade

Hello Patrons, and I hope you’ve had a happy 2020 so far! I’m your Guest Riffer, Crazy Minh, and with me is Major Wade! 

Heya.

Today, we cover the second and final chapter of Battlestar Prometheus, a BSG fic with the entire cast replaced with the X-Men for reasons that are currently unknown…much like the Cylon’s nebulous plan. Which was revealed to be less of a plan, and more desperate improvisation to the escape of the Galactica and the civilian fleet. But still, it was sorta like a plan, I guess?

Sir, please focus.

Right. Anyway, last time on Battlestar Prometheus…we basically got the plot of the miniseries regurgitated incorrectly to us; with the events of the canon three-hour backdoor pilot being twisted out of order, mixed with random plot points from the 2004 TV show, and every major character being given the Ctrl-C+V treatment with characters from X-Men. Oh, and we also got introduced to Renegade, a OC who is apparently Rogue’s daughter. 

Let us commence today’s festivities! We start with yet another author’s note…

Well, here comes chapter 2 of Battlestar Prometheus, there are still many a mystery left to be revealed, not the least of which is the identity of the 12 Cylons like in the show, but one greater mystery remains.

This statement makes me really doubt whether the author has seen BSG or not. So, yes: there is a mystery about who the twelve Cylons are, and how many infiltrators are in the fleet. However, by the fifth or sixth episode of season two, we already know that there’s only eight infiltrators in the fleet, and we’ve seen six of the twelve models. The seventh is revealed in Season 3, and those models are the “leaders” of the humanoid Cylons, the Cavils. The remaining five models are the Final Five, but that arsine subplot isn’t relevant to the Miniseries, or even worth mentioning; fourth season being what it fucking is. 

Who is the Hybrid that the blonde Cylon was referring to? That is one thing that will remain a mystery until the time that I decide to reveal their identity.

Um…OK, so I think I need to explain what a Hybrid is here. 

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2598: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 3

-WARNING-
After several thousand words of nothing much, the author finally begins to slip out of pure Wehraboo territory and into actual neo-Naziism with a big long rant containing Holocaust-denialist talking points.

Also, he gets creepy.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Gone.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years. Last time, some Chancellor von Jerkoffen guy complained that the Council was taking too much time setting up a reasonable response to the Reapers instead of… setting up a reasonable response to the Reapers. Except maybe the Reapers aren’t coming and he wants them to talk about some other unknown issue that’s bothering him? It’s all very unclear.

And then the first part of the Noveria mission happened, with automated defenses at Peak 15 in place of any geth.

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Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 9

Porsche Counter: 5

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