2200: Doom: Repercussions of Evil

[As promised, we’re actually getting the guest riffs up. Here’s a little Halloween riff from Delta… four days after Thanksgiving. Whoops. – BatJamags]

Title: Doom: Repercussions of Evil/ Mark II
Author: Peter Chimarea (Original)/ Abby Zanella (Mark II)
Media: Video Game
Topic: Doom
Genre: Sci-Fi/Parody (Original)/ Horror/Sci-Fi (Mark II)
URL: Original/Mark II
Critiqued by Delta XIII

Happy Spoop Month, friends!

Well, here we are. Picking the lowest of low-hanging fruit. A story that rivals My Immortal and Full-Life Consequences in the realm of So Bad It’s Good:
Doom: Repercussions of Evil

Honestly, I’m a little surprised no one else has riffed this fic, even just for a laugh.

Now, the original fic is too short to riff by itself, so I’ve decided to add on a little something extra: Repercussions of Evil Mark II, a rewrite of the infamous story that gives it proper spelling, grammar, and prose, making it an actual story.
This should be fun.

So, without further ado, let’s rip and tear into it, shall we?

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2179: Merry Christmas Freddy Clause

Title: Merry Christmas Freddy Clause
Author: Amanda9
Media: Movie
Topic: Nightmare on Elm Street
Genre: Horror / Parody / Holiday
URL: Merry Christmas Freddy Clause
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

NOTE: Today we’ve got a slasher fic, so consider this fair warning.

Happy Halloween, Patrons!  And what better way to celebrate the climax of the spooptacular season than with a Christmas fic!  A Christmas fic based on Nightmare on Elm Street.  Now, Halloween and Christmas have been demonstrably shown to work together in the right setting, so it’s not doomed right out of the gate.

“You will find that today’s setting, however, is not the correct setting.  Perhaps a Sithmas special would feature a slasher icon, but the more cuddly monkey holiday is unlikely to benefit from a string of murders.”

It’s also not helped by the misspelling of Claus in the title.

But the thing that really brings the suck in this fic is how overwrought the prose is.  Everyone get your purple shades out, it’s about to get all adjectivy up in this bitch!

Ah, the holiday season. A time for love, peace on earth, good will…not to mention a good slaying.

“I do believe she misspelled ‘sleighing.'”

Given that this is Nightmare on Elm Street, I don’t think she did.

Like everything else, not to be taken seriously.

EVERYTHING else?

“Correct, all things are non-serious matters.”

What about the stuff?

“Stuff is never a laughing matter.”

Fluff

Because when I think about a child murderer who’s burned alive by an angry mob who comes back as a malignant spirit that can kill people in their dreams, I think fluff!

“Well, I certainly think of fluff.”

Dude, you thought Texas Chainsaw Massacre was fluffy.

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2178: Poems of Creepypasta and Slenderverse, Son Is.exe Vs Ben Drowned, and Cthulhu Cultus — Crappy Pasta

Title: Poems of Creepypasta and Slenderverse
Author: The Blue Moon’s Shadow
Media: Creepypasta
Topic: Slenderman / Jeff the Killer / A Whole Bunch Of Other Random Pastas
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Poems of Creepypasta and Slenderverse

Title: Son Is.exe Vs Ben Drowned
Author: A babbling nincompoop
Media: Creepypasta / Video Games
Topic: Sonic.exe / Ben Drowned / Mario
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Dramatic Reading and Giant Wad Of Deleted Pages Including The Pasta

Title: Cthulhu Cultus
Author: PayZKick01
Media: Books
Topic: H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Cthulhu Cultus

Hello hello all you patrons! Remember to return the slab and make sure you avoid getting hypnotized by English bishops, because it’s that time again!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDdGNJ1t5go
“You know what? It’s kinda sad. We’ve got pretty much the whole Spooptacular behind us now, and we have not seen one hyper-realistic hair of any of our old favorites- no Eyeless Jack, no Slenderman, no Demonic the Hedgehog, not even one measly little ol’ Jeff clone!”
You know what? You’re absolutely right. It’s been neat going through the ‘theory’ pastas and the ‘experiment’ pastas and whatever the fuck The God Theory was supposed to be, but when I think of creepypastas I think of possessed video games and pasty-faced supernatural entities in oddly contemporary attire. A lot of that got relocated to the Trollpasta Wiki when Creepypasta did its big ‘quality’ purge, and then when the Trollpasta Wiki got shut down two months ago due to Wikia’s admins being a bunch of humorless clickbat-mongers we actually lost huge amounts of it in favor of the bland, directionless drivel like Binary DNA and Arachnophobia that seems to currently be in vogue back on the main sites.
Fortunately, however, there is still fanfiction of the classic creepypasta. Including poetry. ~880 words of poetry.
“Yay.”

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2177: Slasher Oneshot Marathon!

Title: The texas chainsaw massacre: once again; The Real Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween: Death Comes Calling; Fiery Passion; New masked killer; Murder from Scream
Author: doctorwhofan123456789; G.I. Joe Adventure Team; KLeslie; bloodyrose2014; Droids Boys; MeLoNa05
Media: Film
Topic: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Scream; Scream
Genre: Horror / Drama; Crime / Horror; Horror / Romance; Romance / Horror; Horror / Drama; Horror / Poetry
URL: The texas chainsaw massacre: once againThe Real Texas Chainsaw MassacreHalloween: Death Comes CallingFiery PassionNew masked killerMurder from Scream
Critiqued by BatJamags (and Spider-Man)

A little game for the reader: By the end of the riff, guess which YouTube channel I’ve been watching a lot of recently.

Also, when I say “marathon,” I mean it. This is long, but I was having way too much fun to cut it down. Just thought I’d let you know ahead of time. Seriously, though, it’s about three times as long as my normal riffs.

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to Man. It is a dimension as vast as the author’s note to My Inner Life, and as timesquiggly as My Immortal. It is the middle ground between light and Edgelord, between thermal radiation and BLUE; and it lies between the pit of a riffer’s fears and the summit of his anger. This is the dimension of bad horror oneshots. It is an area which we call… the Badfic Zone.

Respectfully submitted for your derision: A cavalcade of spooky, scary, and quite possibly skeletal oneshots from a wide selection of horror films!

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2173: Worlds collide (Haloween Special) – Oneshot

Title: Worlds collide (Haloween Special)
Author:  youareodd
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Pokemon
Genre: Horror / Adventure / Holiday
URL: Worlds collide (Haloween Special)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome to another Haloween special!

“I suspect you are doing this on purpose.”

You would be correct.  This week we’ll be tackling a Pokémon fic based on, best as I can tell, the game and not the Anime series.  It’s really not clear as it seems the author may have borrowed from both sources; however, since we’ve already covered some of this canon previously in the Library, and the canon absolutely doesn’t matter for this fic, no info dump for you!  That said, if you’re not familiar with the characters, I’ll toss up some reference links as they show up, which will mostly be in the summary.

“Is this that thing with all those odious little creatures.”

Yup!  Let’s take a peek at that summary right now.

A short one-shot following Dawn and Lucas in the distorted dimension, being pursued by the terrifying Giratina.

As I mentioned, most of the characters are listed in the summary.  This fic is in the fourth generation of Pokémon and features Dawn and Lucas, who serve as the player avatars in those games.  Giratina is the primary legendary Pokémon of the fourth generation and is one of the three Pokémon responsible for managing the universe.  Shortly after it was created, Giratina was banished to the Distortion World because it’s a violent little asshole.

Will they survive the harsh conditions?

Snow on Halloween?  I forgot how much the weather sucks in the Distortion World.

More importantly, will their Pokemon survive?

In all fairness, the Pokemon generally have more personality than any of the characters in both the game and Anime, so I’ll let it slide that their survival is considered the more important thing here.

“They do not die.”

Well, they don’t die on screen, anyway.

Rated T for SPOOP!

*Crunchy rubs his forehead*

“You cannot fathom my delight at this moment.  You may as well get it out of your system.”

“I deeply despise whomever created that video.”

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2172: The God Theory & The Tale of King Ramses — Crappy Pasta

-WARNING-
The second pasta under review today includes scenes of pointless gore and gratuitous torture. While not at all scary, those patrons with sensitive stomachs may not want to read it over lunch.

Title: The God Theory
Author: Toxickawaiicupcake
Media: Web Original
Topic: Religious / Conspiracy Theory / Frothing Idiocy
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: The God Theory

Title: The Tale Of King Ramses
Author: MilitaryBrat
Media: Cartoon
Topic: Courage The Cowardly Dog
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: The Tale of King Ramses

Hello hello, all you patrons! Tune up your eerie banjos and keep on the lookout for files containing suspicious binary, because it’s time once again for

spoop4

“You know, Sakai, I just noticed we’ve never actually riffed a ‘theory’ pasta on this thing, even though they’re a deep, rich well of terrible ideas.”

You know what? You’re right.

As the name implies, ‘theory’ pastas are speculative or hypothetical in nature, which could allow writers the freedom to address more abstract and existential horror topics but in practice pretty much just absolves them of the requirement of making even the Creepypasta Wiki’s usual limited amount of sense or including any sort of coherent plot progression to frame their pretentious pseudo-philosophical ramblings. Possibly the most famous manifestation of ‘theory’ pastas is  (1) the ‘some cherished 90s kids medium has darker implications’ theory-

“- Including the ever-popular ‘the main character’s dying, comatose, or insane and just hallucinating everything’ claim -“

– although  (2) the ‘some IRL event has a darker or supernatural explanation’ theory –

” -even if we already know pretty much what did happen and it’s just humans being humans-“

– and (3) pastas that speculate what would happen if some improbable horrible event happened instead of just writing a narrative describing it happen –

“- but why even would it happen -“

-and of course (4) just pointless empty philosophizing are also common.

“Oh of course!”

Today’s first pasta, The God Theory is mostly of the second variety, although it certainly also contains a hefty dollop of Number Four.

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2171: Camp Crystal Lake Chaos – Oneshot

Title: Camp Crystal lake Chaos
Author: Calluna Rose
Media: Film
Topic: Friday the 13th
Genre: Horror
URL: Camp Crystal Lake Chaos
Critiqued by BatJamags

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back again.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to Man. It is a dimension as vast as the author’s note to My Inner Life, and as timesquiggly as My Immortal. It is the middle ground between light and Edgelord, between thermal radiation and BLUE; and it lies between the pit of a riffer’s fears and the summit of his anger. This is the dimension of bad horror oneshots. It is an area which we call… the Badfic Zone.

Respectfully submitted for your derision: An ill-fated camping trip turns violent, teenagers have no survival instinct, and one of our heroes is an awful boyfriend.

Read the rest of this entry »