2404: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 3 & 4

 

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the last (thus far) two chapters of this continuing saga of a crossover.

In the last chapters Lex had a screaming nightmare and was left alone by her erstwhile guardians so she could chat on the phone with her boyfriend, followed by her arriving home from school to find ominous messages written in blood on her mattress – despite living in a household full of people with unnaturally enhanced senses specifically honed towards blood – and then she got dressed up for a party the family is throwing because reasons, likely something to do with the park since the other named characters from the film are supposed to be attending.

Now, on to the fic!

Once again, Lex found herself wishing that she could be anywhere but where she was.

Stuck in a badfic? I sympathize, but I’m not breaking the security cordon around the Literary Extractor to bust you out. One useless badfic character in the Library is enough.

:Markus leans in and give Ghostie the finger:

Get out of my riff! Shouldn’t you be off disappointing Crunchy?

:Markus leaves:

And take this finger with you! Dumbass.

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2397: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 1 & 2

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another fic! This one is also from the Jurassic park/World section and is also a crossover, but this time it’s a crossover with the town bicycle of fanfics, Twilight!

And it gets better! Not only is it another JP/Twilight crossover, but it’s a sequel to another fic we’ve already seen – the cavalcade of strangeness that is She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes.

You know what that means!

Also, the author really has a thing for nonsensical titles.

Weirdness aside, that fic seemed fairly complete, ending with the Sue being stalked by paparazzi at school and pitching a bitch-fit regarding how triggered she was that was soothed by attention from a cute boy. It just sort of fizzled out like many we see in the Library, so I have no idea where this sequel is supposed to be going. I’m sure the summary will let us know.

Sequel to She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes. Carlisle now heads InGen and the Volturi plot to use this to take down the Cullens once and for all, starting with the death of Lex. But what happens when Claire’s nephews and Owen are in the wrong place at the wrong time? Enter Forks at its most dangerous and deadly time.

The fic hasn’t even started yet and I already have questions. How would the Volturi use the fact that Carlisle is (for some inexplicable reason) now the head of a company to ‘take down’ the Cullen clan? The sparklepires do have a masquerade in place to prevent normies from getting suspicious, but as long as Carlisle retires before anyone notices that he doesn’t age and doesn’t do anything stupid like make herds of sparklesaurs he should be fine.

…There’s going to be herds of sparklesaurs, isn’t there? And they’re going to try to attack all the named characters from the movie (who will apparently all be in Forks at the same time with the sparklesaurs because reasons) and the Sue is going to have to save them, isn’t she?

Crapcakes.

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2214: Christmas Angle – Oneshot

Title: Christmas Angle
Author: TwilightMoon11
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Twilight
Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the continuation of my holiday-themed fics! That are also Twilight-themed, because reasons. (That might not continue; there’s only so much Twilight I can stand in one go.)

Let’s take a look at the fic summary and see if it can shed any light on which angle is the Christmas angle.

 What happens when Bella have a kid and it is christmas time? Will one of the cullens help her, or will her past haunt her forever?

Right away I can tell that grammar isn’t the author’s strong suit. That’s always a good sign.

The fic is listed as Romance and is tagged as being Bella/Emmett, which is not a very common pairing when compared to, say, Jacob/Edward. He doesn’t really have a lot of personality, which is saying a lot considering the series’ low bar on the matter, and is basically the tank of the party; a stereotypical big, dumb brute that hits things real good.

Now, on to the fic!

N/A: I do not own twilight

Which starts with a disclaimer.

Carlisle POV

 

And a POV Tag. Awesome.

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2209: Love’s the Only Wheel – Oneshot

 

Title: Love’s the Only Wheel
Author: Prodigious Blair
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Twilight
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to a new oneshot. This one involves one of the most popular town bicycles of fanfiction, Twilight, because I haven’t done one of those in a while. And, just in time for the annual Winter Holidays, this one is Christmas themed! Kind of.

Let me show you the summary.

Two is company- Three’s a wheel. This is one Christmas lunch Forks & La Push will never forget.

See? It mentions Christmas in the summary. That makes it holiday-themed, right? I’m not really sure what the whole “three’s a wheel” thing is about, though. I’ve never heard that particular phrase before, and I have a wide and varied repertoire of metaphorical language at my disposal.

I stared at the giant cheese wheel centring the small dinner table at Charlie’s.

I sense a theme forming.

Like many introverts I don’t really attend many parties, and as a non-Christian I definitely don’t attend many Christmas parties, so I don’t know if “giant cheese wheel” is an acceptable dish to have at such functions. That seems more like a pretentious display piece for a fancy party that features uniformed waitstaff serving hor d’oeuvres and has an open bar.

Around it an array of dips and biscuits covered the wooden surface leaving only but a few small gaps for the dregs to pass through.

I’m going to assume that the author is British or similar and Charlie is serving dips and cookies instead of dips and the more scone-like American breakfast breads, but that still makes me wonder why dips and cookies are the appropriate accompaniments to a giant cheese wheel. What are the dips supposed to be for? The cookies? The cheese? Did Charlie run out of crackers?

I took one look at Charlie’s attempt at a pre-Christmas lunch, and vowed next time to allow Bella the time to cater it herself.

I don’t know who you are, narrator, but I’m already hating your condescending attitude. I guess you’re going to turn out to be Edward.

Perhaps it’s just my family, but any time we have a gathering everyone who is attending will contact the host and ask if they can bring anything – and if so, what. It’s practically ingrained in us not to show up somewhere empty-handed; even if you’re told not to bring anything, you’re still going to bring something. (Usually desserts. It’s not uncommon for everyone invited to a family gathering to bring at least one dessert along with whatever else they were supposed to bring. Because who doesn’t like dessert?)

In the corner, one of the officers from work stood hanging his cigarette over the window.

Actually opening the window and holding the cigarette outside would probably work better, but I guess it is the thought that counts.

In one hand he held a plastic beer cup filled to the brim, and used to other to tap at the window sill, letting the ashes float down like snow onto the surface.

See? You’re getting ashes all over the window. That’s just rude.

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2052: She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapters 16 & 17

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 16
URL: Chapter 17
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

—TRIGGER WARNING:—

—TRIGGERS EXIST—

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the final two chapters! It’s been a long, weird road of plot regurgitation, but we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the last steaming chunk we were treated to the climatic battle between the t. rex and Indominus which was won handily by a surprise guest – the giant mosasaur dropping out of (or swimming up from) the Formless Void. Also Lex helped a little bit by annoying Indominus and then falling off the dinosaur’s face. We’ve already reached what was more or less the end of the movie, but there’s two more chapters. In fics like this that are mostly plot regurgitation, that is rarely a good thing.

Let’s get this trainwreck out of the station!

They landed in the emergency center around 2:00 in the morning. Lex was ushered into the large room full of bleeding, busy people trying to save lives.

So the bleeding people are the ones saving lives? Excessive or uncontrollable bleeding is usually high up on the triage list, so what the hell is wrong with the other people?

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2041: She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapters 12 & 13

 

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 12
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome back to the continuing adventures of everyone’s favorite Photoshopped camel human/raptor hybrid! In the last chapters, Lex managed to jump-start a Jeep with her homebrewed batterator and then we got the bit where the pterodactyls attack.

Edward could hear the thoughts of Carlisle, and turned to have his beloved run into his arms.

Huh. I did not think Carlisle and Edward had that kind of relationship – at least, not in this fanfic. Kind of makes those previous times when Carlisle was referred to as Edward’s father figure a bit more squicky, though.

He held Bella dearly, letting their thoughts mingle together, ignoring the symphony of horror around them.

Both Carlisle and Edward use male pronouns, so either one could be holding her. Presumably it’s Edward, because of the mind-reading thing, but he can’t read Bella’s mind. Bella is a natural shield, the only way Edward can read her is if she forces that shield to include him, which is shown in the source materials to be an incredible difficult thing for her to do. I don’t really understand why, since she can easily extend that shield to protect others over a great distance, but that’s how it is.

“Where’s Alexis?” Edward asked when they broke away.

“She-she’s gone, Edward, we couldn’t find her,” Bella said. “O-Our daughter is gone.”

…And? Lex has been missing since the first couple of chapters, so this isn’t exactly news.

“She can’t be!” Edward cried. “I saw her in the plaza,” Edward said. “With two boys. I think they were with that woman that looks like Victoria.”

Presumably that’s a reference to the fact that Blythe Dallas Howard played both Victoria and Claire, but I really hope that’s not the only reason the author wrote this crossover. (It’s not entirely implausible; I have a Kung Fu Panda/Megamind crossover in my pile that the author freely admits to writing just because Crane and Minion have the same voice actor.)

Bella shuddered imperceptibly at the thought. “The manager? I thought she was rather awful. We need to-“

Get back to something resembling a plot? I agree.

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2036: She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapters 10 & 11

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 10
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another helping of Raptorpire and Co!

In the last chapter, Lex spun some terrible lies and then revealed some truths in an even more terrible way, Lex and the boys did some car things to a Jeep twice as old as they are, we found out that Carlisle is actually the director of the VH Project, and there’s even more human/raptor hybrids running around on the island.

I think that was the highlights. To the fic!

Carlisle had delivered slips to each of the remaining victims of Project VH. He’d watched them leave on the ferries.

Huh. I guess there isn’t going to be a Sue Squad. Kind of makes me wonder why the author felt the need to introduce these characters if they were just going to be put on a bus (or ferry) immediately.

He was relieved to see that they were safe. If only he could just get Lex and the rest of his family off of the island. He walked back into the hotel to see Alice leading the rest of his family and a disgruntled Rosalie.

Why not send the human members of the Family Blob away? The sparklepires and werewolves can probably handle themselves if they work together, but the squishy humans are in very real danger.

“Carlisle!” Alice’s angelic face was distraught and she hugged her father figure.

That’s a weirdly purple way to phrase things.

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