Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Critiqued by KittyNoodles
*** WARNING: The following riff contains some of the most horrifying rape scenes ever encountered within the halls of this Library. If dendrophilia, biastophilia, erotic humiliation, sadism, masochism, narratophilia, teratophilia, salirophilia, cum inflation, kidnapping, sexism, slavery, or victim shaming/blaming bother you even a little bit, this riff may not be for you. Also, there’s some major injury late in today’s excerpt, although it isn’t described in very much detail. Step lightly all the same, okay? ***
Fury: Get off of the floor, child. You have had more than enough time to recover.
Kitty: The floor feels safe, Fury. Unless and until I get a warm, fluffy blanket and a suitably adorable stuffed animal to cuddle, I am not getting up.
Fury: [massaging the bridge of his nose and generally looking extremely irritable] I endured clawed, tantruming infants who were easier to reason with than you are.
???: …But that was back when I was still a little kid, you see. Oh, and did I ever tell you about the time-
Oh my God, is it physically possible for you to shut up? I don’t want to hear about it! I didn’t want to hear about the thousand other topics of discussion you forced on me, but you didn’t seem to pick up on my body language and fucking told me anyways!
???: That’s because it’s so interesting! Like that time back in mage school where-
*The riffing chamber doors swing open ominously, and Book Specs walks in heralded by thunder and lightning*
Didn’t you use that special effects spell last time you were here?
*Book Specs adjusts his glasses affirmatively, and with slight confusion*
You were looking for the one that blasts the doors open and sends dragons made of fire flying around the room, weren’t you?
*Book Specs nods*
Page three hundred and seventy-four, Yonlan’s Tome of Illusions for the Dramatic Entry.
*Book Specs flips through the pages until he finds the spell he was looking for and sighs in irritation to discover that it was under the spell he just used*
???: Ah! You must be my other half! Hi! I’m your quote-en-quote “evil” twin! It’s super cool to meet you! I bet we’re gonna get along like to peas in a pod! Two birds of a feather! Two of a kind! Two aces in a deck of jok-!
*Book Specs walks over to his evil twin and bops him with his staff*
…So, Booky, I don’t think you’ve ever met Window Shades before. I imagine you regret it as much as I do.
(No image for Window Shades – apparently recolor.me is broken right now. -SC)
I’m here with a new fic – and it’s in a canon we haven’t covered before! You know what that means, gentle Patrons; time for an SC-style infodump.
:cracks knuckles and rolls shoulders:
Zootopia (or Zootropolis as it’s know in Europe) takes place in a world of anthropomorphic animals. It follows a hare named Judy Hopps from the rural community of Bunnyburrow who has a dream to become the first bunny police officer even though “bunnies don’t do that”. She perseveres through the Police Academy, graduates at the top of her class and then is assigned to the prestigious District One – only to be given parking duty while the rest of the force pursues a high-profile series of missing mammal cases.
While on her first patrol, she meets a red fox named Nick Wilde who is attempting to buy a Jumbo Pop from an elephant-run ice cream parlor, ostensibly for his “son” who wants to be an elephant when he grows up, only to be met with outright discrimination due to the fact that foxes are considered shifty and dishonest. She not only convinces the proprietor to sell the Jumbo Pop, but pays for it out of her own pocket. Later in the day she spots Nick and his “son”, who is really his adult fennec fox sidekick, melting down the pop and re-freezing it into smaller “Pawpcicles” that are sold at a high profit to a bunch of lemmings. The pair even retrieve the used sticks from a recycling bin, bundle them up, and sell them to a mouse construction crew – explaining away the reddish discoloration from the cherry-flavored Pawpcicles by calling the sticks ‘red wood’. When Judy confronts Nick he cynically (and with a wonderfully acerbic delivery that fully justifies my long-standing crush on Jason Bateman) explains a few painful truths of life, leaving her sad and depressed.
The next day, Judy’s mood darkens as she endures a series of negative confrontations from irate citizens. However, things improve when a florist is robbed right in front of her and she pursues the thief, finally nabbing him with a giant donut (it makes sense in context) in Little Rodentia. Instead of praising her, the chief of police, Chief Bogo, reprimands her for abandoning her post and inciting a scurry. He is interrupted when a female otter, Mrs. Otterton, bursts into his office to plead once more for someone to find her husband, Emmitt, who is one of the missing mammals. Judy impulsively offers to help, only to be fired for insubordination once Mrs. Otterton is out of sight. Luckily, Mrs. Otterton runs into Assistant Mayor Bellwether outside Chief Bogo’s door, who texts to mayor to inform him that Judy has taken the Otterton case. Chief Bogo then reluctantly gives Judy the case, with the stipulation that she must solve it in forty-eight hours or resign from the force. The file contains almost nothing save a grainy surveillance photo of Emmitt – who just happens to be eating a Pawpcicle. Judy blackmails Nick into helping her, and the two progress down the standard buddy cop “animosity turning into friendship” path while solving the case of the missing mammals. Nick eventually joins the police force as the first fox officer and becomes Judy’s partner.
Now that I’ve covered the high points, let’s take a look at the fic summary.
we’ll follow the life of both oficers nick and judy and see how they interact solve problems in their everydaylife and in their work and we’ll go deeper into the relationship between the 2 main characters but it will take some time ,first time writing please give me some feedback good, bad , don’t care just want to know what you people think, any questions read my bio thanks.
I’ve read the author’s bio and it really doesn’t clarify anything. It does state that the author isn’t a native English speaker, which could be good or bad. Based solely on the summary, I’m not holding out a lot of hope.
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTER OR LOCATION IT’S ALL DISNEY FOLKS…
Oh, great. a disclaimer. I haven’t had one of these in a while.
(Can’t believe I have to write this crap people know i didn’t came up with the story please read bio)
You … Don’t. At all. Ever. A disclaimer is meaningless.
Title: Subject 23: Cryonics
Author: The Eezoman
Media: Video Games
Topic: Mass Effect
URL: Subject 23: Cryonics: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello patrons, and welcome back to the Library. And today…
Okay, I think it’s time I gave a disclaimer: technically, I was the one who convinced Ert to snark Subject 23 way back when. I’ve had a thing about Subject 23 basically since I found it, and found it to be as god-awful as everyone (rightfully) thinks it is. So some of you guys might ask “why didn’t you snark it yourself”.
Well, the reason for that is that I actually technically already snarked it. I don’t believe in snarking the same thing twice: I made Subject 23 the subject of a PPC installment, after all. So by the time I came here, there was no point trying to snark it again. So that’s why I didn’t snark Subject 23, as much of a mistake as that was considering that I purposefully stopped around Chapter 8 for plot-related reasons within the PPC snarking.
So that’s why I didn’t snark Subject 23.
That says nothing for the sequel. And Subject 23 did get a sequel… which is fortunately both shorter than the original Subject 23, and deadfic. So guess what I’m here to do folks?
If you guessed the sequel, congratulations: you get brownie points!
So let’s not delay any further. Here’s the next installment of Subject 23!
Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
URL: Heroes and Villains
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza
Hello, and welcome back to another installment of ‘Heroes and Villains’ the script-turned-fic that tries to answer the question: ‘How much nothing can you describe with seventy-eight thousand words?’
With me again this week is Eliza, who, if I’m not mistaken, is packing a pair of snow-cones.
“I thought they’d get us into the spirit today.”
Did you make those?
“Yup! This one is soy sauce and this one is pickle brine. Which would you like.”
Uhh. Wow, that’s tough. I’d hate to deprive you of one of those.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine with whatever one you don’t want!”
I’ll take soy sauce.
Anyway, last time we had … I don’t even know what I’d call it. It’s like Willow had some kind of mental break or something, but everything was so freaking vague and horribly formatted I can’t even decide what the author was trying to go for. It was just a hot mess of pronoun misuse, random dialogue, and spliced-in italicized thought.
“Lucky for us, this week we get to start off with a new character!”
Title: X-Com: Mass Effect
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect/XCOM
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: So. Just to recap what happened last time. The Ethereals used…magic. Yeah, space magic to turn all of humanity into reptile/insect hybrid things and killed 97% of the species because space magic. Shepard is now the high queen because nepotism, the majority of lower kings are spread out in a way that ignores population density and focuses purely on balances of power that no longer exist due to 97% of the species being gone, and humanity now has rigid caste systems and slavery. So this is Sparta levels of stupid.
Nora: Oh god I just realized something.
Ert: Yeah, me too. The author is ripping off the synthesis ending from Mass Effect 3. And he somehow managed to make it EVEN DUMBER! That’s a fucking accomplishment.
Nora: Making it dumber or not realizing how stupid it was in the first place and honestly thinking that copying it would be a good idea?
Hackett sighs after reading the report, he then rubs his head to dispel some of the headache reading so many words is starting to give him, he liked the details Dr. Vahlen gave him don’t get him wrong, but sometimes there is just so much to take in.
Goeth: Why does that feel like a commentary on both the game and what he himself is writing?
Ert: Probably because it is. And I have to disagree, it really isn’t interesting to read what’s being offered this time. Because of all the stupid.
Nora: Also I think there’s supposed to be a period in there.
Hackett then turns to the supplementary report, vividly remembering the comments and complaints from Shepard during that period.
Ert: *Sigh* So they actually went through the “We need to figure out if you’re fertile, so bone” thing huh? Even though Vahlen was able to tell if everyone on the station was infertile. So either there was a better method that she used that she can’t use now or she had everyone fuck.
Nora: This is a goddamn porno.
Good morning, lovelies! Due to current time constraints with work and life, I’ll be keeping my riffs fairly short. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. On the plus side, it means I don’t have to torment myself with trying to finish long riffs before my posting day, leaving me much more relaxed during the week. On the down side, though, it means it’ll take us longer to get through badfics. As an apology, everyone gets a free cookie from Blood of the Bean. Just tell Lina I said so.
Anyway, last time we met, I introduced you all to “The war of O’khasis,” a Minecraft fic that was posted in the “Mulan” section of ff.net because our author is an idiot who doesn’t understand how source-material works. Despite the convoluted way in which it is written, the fic has implied that it follows the general idea of “Mulan” in that a girl has to disguise herself as a man to save the kingdom. That’s the only connection to the cited source we have.
In the first two chapters, we met our protagonist and some other very forgettable people, nothing was described, and the resident Sue decided to go against her parent’s wishes and escape the castle to find help against some invading werewolf bandits… or something. Or maybe she’s just going into town to buy a burger. It isn’t entirely clear on what’s happening.
Let’s get more confused!