1487: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part One

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 13
Critiqued by SC, Book Specs and Window Shades

???: …But that was back when I was still a little kid, you see. Oh, and did I ever tell you about the time-

Oh my God, is it physically possible for you to shut up? I don’t want to hear about it! I didn’t want to hear about the thousand other topics of discussion you forced on me, but you didn’t seem to pick up on my body language and fucking told me anyways!

???: That’s because it’s so interesting! Like that time back in mage school where-

*The riffing chamber doors swing open ominously, and Book Specs walks in heralded by thunder and lightning*

Didn’t you use that special effects spell last time you were here?

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses affirmatively, and with slight confusion*

You were looking for the one that blasts the doors open and sends dragons made of fire flying around the room, weren’t you?

*Book Specs nods*

Page three hundred and seventy-four, Yonlan’s Tome of Illusions for the Dramatic Entry.

*Book Specs flips through the pages until he finds the spell he was looking for and sighs in irritation to discover that it was under the spell he just used*

???: Ah! You must be my other half! Hi! I’m your quote-en-quote “evil” twin! It’s super cool to meet you! I bet we’re gonna get along like to peas in a pod! Two birds of a feather! Two of a kind! Two aces in a deck of jok-!

*Book Specs walks over to his evil twin and bops him with his staff*

???: Ow!

…So, Booky, I don’t think you’ve ever met Window Shades before. I imagine you regret it as much as I do.

(No image for Window Shades – apparently recolor.me is broken right now. -SC)

Oh Christ, the audience is here. Well, guess I gotta.

Hello, and welcome back to-

Window Shades: Oh, is this your audience! Wow, I’d have thought more people would be reading than-

*BKAM!*

DON’T FUCKING INTERRUPT ME!

…Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time-

*Window Shades revives*

Oh, God damn it…

Window Shades: Wow, bullets really hurt! Hey, is that part of my brain over there? I didn’t realize it was that color! That’s so cool, I should-

Window Shades: …Well you could’ve just asked…

…And last time, Alex went into a cave. That’s all that really happened because it was the end of the chapter.

This week, we start chapter thirteen, entitled, “Dwelling of the Apes; Spirit King of the Forest, Somiesa.” And if I’m correct, “Somiesa” is yet another stolen character of N’jata’s creation that Stone-Man85 also went and got wrong, so this should be incredibly painful for him.

(Sorry in advance.)

Now then, let me be the first to apologize to you, audience. I had no idea this asshole Window Shades would be so annoying. In fact, he only popped up recently. Originally, Book Specs didn’t have an evil twin, so much as just a twin-twin. But that guy went and got destroyed along with Transitions in Bifocals’ atomic universe bubble collapse by accident, and then the Book Specs of an alternate universe went and ripped open a hole in reality and ended up here as Window Shades. And I guess in an alternate world, Booky is an obnoxiously talkative twerp who is a friend of all things and would – and could not hurt a fly. Seriously, this asshole taught himself spells to make him incapable of hurting things.

Window Shades: I thought that the way to peace in my homeland was through healing and happiness, rather than fighting.

*Book Specs holds up a card that reads, “Idealistic twat”, with an arrow pointing directly at Window Shades*

Right, so, anyhow, that’s Window Shades. I assume Book Specs will kill the shit out of him before this riff is done. For now, let’s TRY and get through as much of it as we can before the inevitable.

The cave seemed to stretch on for miles with every step Alex took. As he proceeded deeper into its shadowy depths, he couldn’t help but feel a foreboding chill pass over him.

He realized Booky was sitting in on this riff.

*Book Specs smiles wickedly*

It was all so familiar, and that terrified him. Memories of the first underground cave soon resurfaced in his mind. Memories of the cavern covered in roots, the strange bulbous core, the blinding light, the feeling of being completely torn apart in the blink of an eye.

Widow Shades: That sounds like a doom cave that’s right outside the city walls, it’s super creepy and has a perpetual thunderstorm hanging over it and everybody who ventures in never returns so the king ordered it cordoned off under heaviest guard in order to-

*Book Specs bops Window Shades with his staff*

Window Shades: Ow!

He closed his eyes tightly, trying to push the coldness and fear away.

*Book Specs channels coldness and fear into the computer screen*

I think all you’re doing is making my screen sad.

SC’s Screen: Okay

For a long time, the young outlander kept them closed. When he finally did open his eyes, he suddenly stopped and stared in amazement.

The cave was now filled with vibrant blue light. Light that seemed to blossom from vines and roots that entangled the walls like glowing flowers.

Oh shit, is this halfway-decent description I see? I didn’t think it was possible!

…Means it’s probably N’jata’s.

Letting his curiosity get the best of him, Alex reached his hand towards one of the flowers to touch it, then suddenly stopped. ‘Oh no,‘ he thought with a frown. ‘I’m not gonna make that mistake again,‘ He the slowly withdrew his hand and stood stiffly, looking down the cave once more.

I would have laughed if he did and got thrown even further into the past.

How far does this thing go anyway?

That’s what he said.

Window Shades: Really? Someone else is here? What’s his name? How come I can’t see him? Why is he saying innocent yet innuendo-filled things that can be easily exploited in bad puns about se-

*BKAM!*

*Window Shades’ body topples onto the floor, sans head*

I’m suddenly beginning to appreciate that you’re so disdainful of others as to avoid speaking to them.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses smugly*

Do not let yourself become discouraged, young traveler of time.

I’m not,‘ Alex retorted, ‘I’m getting tired of walking. Cut me some slack already!

‘Kay.

*SC pulls a lever*

IMG_20160724_002530

Hey, Booky, this was my “Catapult Alex Into The Abyss” lever, right?

*Book Specs shrugs*

Shit, hope it wasn’t bad…

he then grumbled, ‘And I’m not to thrilled about the whole telepathy thing going on around here.

Widow Shades: Getting tired of telepathy? That’s okay, I’m fine with talking! I talk a lot! I like talking, but other people don’t seem to like it as much as I do, which I really don’t understand because talking is really fun!

*Book Specs puts on a pair of gloves with high-friction grip pads on them, then takes and taps his staff on the ground a couple times whilst assuming a baseball batter’s stance*

Window Shades: Hey, what’re you doing with tho-?

explosion-in-space

supernova-explosion-cosmic-rays

*As the smoke clears and pieces of Window Shades’ body rain down from the ceiling, Book Specs calmly removes his gloves and begins wiping blood off his staff*

This is why Booky is the peacekeeper of the Co., people.

The longer you waste time with your discomfort, the longer it shall take for you to reach your goal.

Yeah, yeah,‘ the dark haired youth retorted, waving a hand. ‘Sheesh. You sound like my old man. Except you’re not as goofy as he is,

Thank God for that.

With another sigh, he shoved his hands into his pockets and continued to move deeper into the cave.

Killian is the most boring explorer ever.

Back in Iron Town

Just when I thought I had finally gotten away…

“My Lady, Please!”

I Can’t Stop Capitalizing All My Words!

Seriously, how do people type like that comfortably? It’s the most annoying thing for me, just reading it.

Gonza pleaded his mistress, bowing on his knees and touching his head onto the floor, “I’m begging you! For the honor of Iron-Town, as well as your own, let me kill the outlander that has brought disgrace to you!”

Suddenly, this became legit Japanese.

Lady Eboshi remained silent, as she had done so for the past few hours. She sat in her chambers, along with Yashahime, who sat across the room, sipping at her tea, but glared at the two. Apparently, when she had heard the outlander, Alex, had saved the Wolf Princess, she was not pleased. Not one bit at all by this information. As her romantic fantasies were shattered by the boy’s act of kindness towards the beastly savage known as the Princess of Beasts and Ghouls.

Meh, that just means she’s not crazy-evil enough yet. Cia in Hyrule Warriors goes all “I’ll have him, even if I must destroy him” about the time Link gets his hands on the Master Sword.

And anybody who doesn’t know what I’m on about probably just read a whole lot of confusing bullshit!

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses quizzically*

“Princess of Beasts and Ghouls?” Where’d you see- oh, it’s right at the end, there. Hey, Stone-Man85? San’s title is perfectly fine as it is. You’re gaining nothing by tacking on additional nouns.

Eboshi was propped up by a few soft cushions, constantly being tended to by several women. The fight against the Princess Mononoke and Alexander had left her with several yet non-fatal injuries.

Injuries? She got one gut punch and otherwise walked away unscathed, don’t bullshit me.

Window Shades: What? Someone’s injured?

GAH!

Window Shades: Oh no, that’s no good! Injured people are unhappy people! Is there anything I can do to help? I know healing spells and medical alchemy and calming illusions and-

*PKAP!* *PKAP!* *PKAP!* *PKAP!* *PKAP!*

*SC keeps La Bella Pistola trained on the unmoving Window Shades for a moment, breathing heavily*

Motherfucker needs to stop respawning without me noticing, God damn it!

*Book Specs turns to a scoreboard and flips a number card; the score is presently, SC/Booky: 4, Window Shades: 0*

Though she had insisted that they were small and unimportant, her most loyal women proceeded to tend to them as though her life was at stake. But no matter how much comfort she was given, or herbal medicines they made her drink or applied to her body, nothing could heal what was truly injured: Her pride.

Well, that and her diaphragm. Gut punches can really take the wind out of you.

As she listened to her guard-captain plead, beg and grovel for the honor of brining her the head of the traitorous outlander, the mysterious Alexander, she sipped at a small cup of tea. When she finished, she placed the piece of white ceramic on a tray, which was quickly collected by one of the women,

Even badly characterized, Eboshi has this funny way of making boring shit look interesting.

“Before I say yes to anything, may I ask why you wish to kill him, Gonza?” she then asked quietly.

The bearded man blinked with astonishment, “My Lady?” he asked, unable to make sense out of Eboshi’s question.

“I just want to hear you speak your reason, Gonza,” Eboshi continued, gazing at the soft orange light produced by the candles and lanterns that filled the chamber, “I’m just curious as to why killing this boy is so important to you. So important that you would willfully toss aside your sense of honor and dignity by groveling as you have been doing so for the past hour,” she then finished as she looked to him, “It’s not like you to be flustered this easily by a mere teenager.”

Okay, I don’t think I’ve touched on this once since I started the riff, but I’d like to take a moment and point out, Eboshi’s otherwise sound observations aside, that there was no such thing as a “teenager” in Feudal/Medieval times. You were either a boy, or a man, or a girl, or a woman. There was no teen years, only childhood and adulthood. “Teenager” is a term that came into existence way later down the line, probably as a result of people living longer and suddenly needing to define a third major point of life that previously didn’t exist.

That’s all I wanted to say, continue.

Gonza frowned causing his thick brow to wrinkle. “Because……” he gnashed his teeth and growled. “Because he betrayed you, My Lady! He invaded your town under the guise of a friend, ate your food, learned your secrets… and exploited your generous hospitality.” His look of anger intensified, “And in the end, he slandered your honor by siding with that disgusting wolf-whore! For that alone he deserves only to die in the worst and most painful way imaginable!”

Shit, is that what he did, now? Because the way I remember it, he showed up, griped about the noise, barely stopped himself from throwing up over the smell, bitched Eboshi out, made a joke out of Gonza and his men, whined about people attempting to get their revenge for all the terrible stuff San has ever done to them and theirs, then took San and left.

Kind of hard to cite betrayal as a reasoning when Alex was very clearly not on your side to begin with.

The young mistress of Iron-Town remained completely nonchalant. “I see,” she said. “And how will you kill him, Gonza?”

Like this, maybe?

Window Shades: Wow! How many times have I died, no-?

*SC removes his glasses and fires lasers into the newly-revived Window Shades’ skull until it explodes*

*Book Specs shakes his head*

Oh, right, Gonza doesn’t have laser eyes…

she smiled wickedly, the fires from the lanterns flickering off her dark irises,

Oh, God damn it, Iris got stuck in Bifocals’ cloning machine, didn’t she?

[WHY ARE THEY ALL EVIL?! -Iris Windchaser]

“You saw the power he possessed; the curse that I forced upon him has begun to change him into something else entirely. Not even the blade of your sword could cut his skin.”

You know, Eboshi, it’s really not cool to go and claim responsibility for something that wasn’t your fault and that I spent a long-ass time giving you an out on.

she then frowned as she concluded, “And it also appears that not even the guns can pierce his armor, if he caught one of them when they were shot at him. What will you do if that power is unleashed once more?”

Well, first of all, we’re not gonna throw our fucking guns at him. That probably a good start.

“I..…” Gonza bit his lip for a moment and frowned. “I will kill him before he has the chance to summon that demonic power once again. I shall use the power of our guns,” he finally said confidently.

“The Power of Our Guns” sounds like an album for a metal band.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses with interest*

Nah, I’m pretty sure there’s no song called The Power of Our Guns. Not that I’ve exactly gone and looked, mind.

“I’ll fire a single bullet into his flesh, and send it straight through his soulless heart.

I still maintain that heart and soul are two separate entities.

And then I’ll hold that white demon’s head up for all of Iron-town to see.” He bowed once more, “All I need is for you to give me the command, My Lady.”

“You can’t even track down and kill a wolf girl, Gonza,” Yashahime spat out at the Guard Captain as she came into the room, surprising everyone, “This prey requires a more skillful hunter,” she then turned towards the doorway as she called out, “Takemaru of Setsuna.”

Oh hey, it’s that guy from several chapters ago! We remember him, right? That… that guy? From the place? Right? Complete rip-off of an Inuyasha character?

…Well, I remember him, at least. But then again, I kinda have no choice, I’m the one doing the riff.

And surprisingly enough, the same samurai that was leading the massacre in that small village, walked right in.

Yeah, you know, that guy! The one who led a bandit raid against a town, suffered zero fatalities, but Alex went and moped about it like he had commit some God-forsaken crime against humanity!

“Takemaru of Setsuna…”

Man, I should have riffed this chapter before I got Fire Emblem: Fates, because all I can think of reading his name is

Takemaru

Takemaru

of

Setsuna

Setsuna

…And I should know better, because that’s actually his canon name from Inuyasha.

Yashahime smirked as she looked to the samurai, “… think you can track him down and kill him as well as the Wolf Girl?”

The Samurai bowed, “It shall be accomplished, milady.” and behind him, some of his men, who had survived the massacres.

Massacres?! You had a bunch of guys get seriously wounded, nobody died, but you’re trying to claim it was a series of massacres?! Grow a pair, you fucking pansy-ass! This is why you’re a rōnin bandit working for a noblewoman who dresses like a whore, rather than a legit warrior with honor and dignity serving a powerful Lord or Lady who deserves it!

*Book Specs blinks*

…Wow, that came out of nowhere. No more Red Bull for me.

“I heard this was some sort of outlander that just happened into your town, Lady Eboshi?” Takemaru’s face grew an uneasy smirk across as he asked, “He wouldn’t be dressed in armor and garments that were not of this land? Blue eyes and Black hair?”

Oh, that should count for the least of your worries, newcomer-to-the-gong.

“Exactly,” Yashahime as she asked, “And I am to assume that you know of the boy’s power?”

Takemaru nodded, “From what I heard and saw, he single-handedly crushed the skull of one of my men. And practically shattered the ground underneath his feet.”

…Okay, fine, he suffered A fatality.

he then scoffed aside as he retorted, “Though I find it unbelievable that a child is in possession of such a magnificent and destructive power.”

Even though you SAW IT?

“You sound as though you want such a thing,” Eboshi suggested, causing both the darkened samurai warlord and the ghost princess to turn towards her.

Takemaru simply smirked as his gaze and smile became darkened in thinking such an idea. “It never crossed my mind, Lady Eboshi.”

Eboshi smiled and shook her head, “You can’t control that kind of power, Takemaru of Setsuna.” she said as she set her tea down, “No one can.” she then looked towards the window, looking out at the barren landscape being illuminated by the moon. “And after witnessing what both you, Yashahime, and Alexander were truly capable of..…” Her expression darkened, “I don’t even think even the young man himself is capable of controlling that kind of power. Even if it is his own.”

And on that little ominous tidbit, we’re done for the week!

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for next time! Sports Shades’ twin is the last of the bunch and then this… overly stretched-out gag? Riff arc? I dunno… will finally be over. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Book Specs and Window Shades, I’ll see you next time!

…Uh. Window Shades doesn’t seem to be respawning. I think we killed him for real this time.

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses plainly*

That probably means you’ll get a new evil twin? Why do you have so many evil twins?

*Book Specs adjusts his glasses matter-of-factly*

Endless alternate realities? Wait, so that means that there’s potentially an INFINITE number of you fuckbags?!

*SC tries desperately to shoot himself, but forgot to reload his guns*

Advertisements

25 Comments on “1487: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Thirteen, Part One”

  1. BatJamags says:

    I would have laughed if he did and got thrown even further into the past.

    Like back to when the dinosaurs died, so he could die with them!

  2. BatJamags says:

    With another sigh, he shoved his hands into his pockets and continued to move deeper into the cave.

    The invisible-person-who-makes-innocuous-statements-that-can-easily-be-turned-into-innuendos is making this too easy for me. This is like, two bow chicka bow wows in one sentence.

    • SC says:

      NOW LOOK YOU

    • *An arrow with a rubber fist instead of a pointed tip hits Batjamags in the face, followed by a note appearing on the floor*

      Note: BADJAMAGS -Goddess

      *Meanwhile, on the Archon, in space*

      Cain: I smell some hypocrisy.

      • BatJamags says:

        BadJamags: … Yes, that is my name.

        GoodJamags: And how do you expect them to know that when you always make me use the nametag?

        BadJamags: Well, I’m the real one and you’re from an alternate universe.

        GoodJamags: Actually, I’m pretty sure neither of us is the real one. We’re just kind of personas that BatJamags takes on to argue with himself because he’s coocoo for Coco Puffs like that.

        BadJamags: Shut your quasi-imaginary facehole. You’re making me think about philosophy and the nature of reality again.

  3. BatJamags says:

    “My Lady, Please!”

    I Can’t Stop Capitalizing All My Words!

    Oh No, The Italics Demon Must Have Freed The Capitalization Demon! An Odd Choice, Considering That The CAPSLOCK DEMON Is Clearly Much More POWERFUL, And The Two Are Largely iNCOMPATABLE.

  4. BatJamags says:

    the honor of brining her the head of the traitorous outlander,

    “Brining?” I don’t want to know what that involves.

    • SC says:

      Well, you know how you brine a fish?

      It’s kinda like that.

      • Ishi says:

        One can provide detailed schematics on the brining of all manner of creatures, if such is desired.

      • SC says:

        *Book Specs barely holds back from puking*

        Oh, come on, how bad could it be?

      • GhostCat says:

        I don’t think it’s the brining; Syl has developed this habit of … Yep!

        :takes something out of book:

        After a little discussion regarding the proper care of Library books, Syl agreed to start using bookmarks rather than dog-earing the pages. The only problem is that she’s been using her nude selfies as bookmarks.

      • GhostCat says:

        Probably one of her Perversion Fellowship cronies. Or Goddess.

      • BatJamags says:

        I just keep my books in the SDQF. They don’t really exist until I need them. Like this dictionary!

        *Pulls dictionary from SDQF and flips through it*

        See? No… Tampering…

        *Looks a little sick*

        *Slams dictionary shut and shoves it back into the SDQF*

        SSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

      • Syl says:

        Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch; it’s not as if I licked the pages. Much.

  5. BatJamags says:

    Oh hey, it’s that guy from several chapters ago! We remember him, right? That… that guy? From the place? Right? Complete rip-off of an Inuyasha character?

    …Well, I remember him, at least. But then again, I kinda have no choice, I’m the one doing the riff.

    Uh…

    Oh, right! That random asshole who served no purpose in the plot and got his ass handed to him by Killian! Of course he’s exactly the person you want to send.

    *Sigh*

  6. *Book Specs holds up a card that reads, “Idealistic twat”, with an arrow pointing directly at Window Shades*

    *A collection of useful cards for such situations, given by Agent [CLASSIFIED], appears in Book Specs’ room*

  7. TacoMagic says:

    Yashahime smirked as she looked to the samurai

    Takemaru’s face grew an uneasy smirk across as he asked

    Takemaru simply smirked as his gaze and smile became darkened in thinking such an idea.

    *Cerbersheep trundles in covered in poorly-fitting Ō-yoroi. He gives Taco a long-suffering look.*

    Baaaa.

    Crunchy?

    Ba.

    All right, man. Take the day off.

  8. "Lyle" says:

    “The Power of Our Guns” sounds like an album for a metal band.

    Or the US Olympic Deadlift team’s slogan.

  9. "Lyle" says:

    “You can’t even track down and kill a wolf girl, Gonza,” Yashahime spat out at the Guard Captain as she came into the room, surprising everyone,

    …Wait a tick…

    *scrolls back up*

    Ah, here it is!

    Lady Eboshi remained silent, as she had done so for the past few hours. She sat in her chambers, along with Yashahime, who sat across the room, sipping at her tea, but glared at the two.

    *facepalm*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s