2453: Halloween Oneshots – Spooptoberfest Part Three

Title: All Souls’ Day
Author: pronker
Media: Movie (Book)
Topic: Star Wars
Genre: Spoopy Horror
URL: All Souls’ Day
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Howdy, patrons!  Welcome back to the spooptoberfestivities!  We’ll be starting off today with the last of the pronker trio!  Crunchy, care to recap the first two for us?

“Nothing happened.”

Yup!  But this week will be different!  Well, no it won’t but at least we have an author’s note this time.

Author’s Note: This is finally getting Roan out of the pickle I put him in in 2007. Completion of the stories “Lord Vader Needs Feet” and “Jedi Zombie.”

“I suppose we can be thankful this note is at least pertinent to the story, if still entirely unnecessary.”

Onward to the-

IOIOIOIOIO

“To the six-hundred-eighty-two?”

I’m sure that’s foreshadowing.

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2447: Halloween Oneshots – Spooptoberfest Part Two

Title: Lord Vader Needs Feet & Jedi Zombie: A Halloween Story
Author: pronker
Media: Movie (Book)
Topic: Star Wars
Genre: Spoopy Horror
URLs: Lord Vader Needs FeetJedi Zombie: A Halloween Story
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Happy spoopy Wednesday, patrons!  I’m coming at you this week with the first two of a three-part series of little oneshots that are, well, not good. Very, very not good.  And since we’ve got Star Wars on the menu this week, I have our Star Wars correspondent helping out today.

“I loathe you.”

So you’ve said.

So, our “horror” special starts with “Lord Vader Needs Feet,” which initially I imaged was some kind of fetish fic, but turns out is actually more mundane.

“Presumably it has to do with Vader having a large percentage of his body replaced with cybernetics, yes?”

Indeed it would.  Here’s the summary, not that it helps.

Vader needs to testdrive some modifications to his suit and uses any Jedi that he can lay his mechnohands on.

“‘Mechanohands?’  This is not going to be very good, is it?”

No, it really isn’t.  Let’s get this over with.

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2442: Book of Digimon – Chapter Three

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*Recording starts up*

Zeus: What do you mean there’s a creepypasta character in the storage room?!

Nimitz: *via holoprojector* I don’t know. One day, a fire team got banished, and now I’m escorting the ghost of a 6 year old through the lower levels.

Zeus: *slaps self* Well, try to find a good spot. I’ll send you a story that you can tear apart with her. Zeus out.

Now, where were we?

*clears throat*

Okay, so here’s the 3rd and final chapter of the Book of Digimon. And honestly, I can’t wait to get this done. Last time, everyone ended up in heaven somehow, either because they got teleported (Barriss) or had access to a goddamned inter dimensional portal (the Jedi)

Svarti: While recent tales suggest something like that is plausible, it doesn’t work like that.

Martinov: So you’re buying the time travel stuff too?

Zeus: Regardless of all this, when we left off, Kallig offered the Jedi some refreshments.

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2432: Book of Digimon – Chapter Two

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*recording starts up*

Zeus: Hello again, we’re continuing the riff of “Book of Digimon.” To sum up the last two parts-a caricature of the Old Republic decided to send Barriss Office to the slave pens of Tatooine (despite knowing damn well what it’s like). Then two OC/Self Inserts came in, and somehow made the fic worse by not only including SWTOR references, along with being overpowered to the point that even Starkiller would’ve been reasonable, but there were implications that God was involved in the creation of the TRUE CODE of the Jedi. 

And there were Digimon, but when you screw up Star Wars to the degree of Bright, nobody really cares at that point.

Martinov: Not to mention that everyone was out of character. And a chump.

Svarti: And the less said about the light show, the better.

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2423: The Book of Digimon: Chapter One, Part Two

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*recording starts up again, some time later*

Martinov: Okay, are you feeling better?

Zeus: Yeah…I’m sorry ‘bout that. It’s just…well…

Svarti: You didn’t like the violation of galactic history?

Zeus: Well, Yeah, But i was more pissed at the implication with Ashoka. Every time I see something like that, I assume that they want to write her having sex. The fact that she’s 14 here just really grinds my gears.

(Side note: I largely don’t care about shipping her Rebels counterpart, as the whole “under the legal age of consent” thing is irrelevant there.)

Martinov: Quick question-does the force heal muscle atrophy?

Svarti:…why? Read the rest of this entry »


2410: The Book of Digimon: Chapter One, Part One

Title: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Author: MarkoRagnos629
Media: Kids Shows
Topic: Star Wars, Digimon, And the Bible
Genre: Self Insert Power Fantasy
URL: The Book of Digimon rewrite
Critiqued by Zeus, Martinov Petra, And Thomas Svarti.

*On the edge of Kuat, the battered remains of a Sovereign Class Star Destroyer lies inside a nebula shielded construction site. On the Bridge itself, three individuals prepareto face off against their worst nightmares…*

Thomas Svarti: Let me get this straight-Tyber Zann hijacked this thing, and dumped it to be destroyed?

Captain Martinov Petra: Yes. Not to mention, left a few damaged components. Looks good up top, but shit everywhere else.

Zeus: Hey, we’re live!

Martinov: Ah, that’s my cue.

Svarti: Call me if you need me.

*Zues And Martinov take seats in front of a projector*

Zeus: Hello, and welcome to a shorter riff than usual, at least in terms of chapters. Now, as I’ve alluded too, I had a Sovereign, but it’s been suffering from calibration issues. But since we aren’t supposed to kill shit with a giant fuckoff laser, I deemed it safe to proceed.

Martinov: *coughs akwardly*

Zeus: Oh, right. This is Lieutenant Martinov, an OC of mine. He’s essentially an Imperial patrol leader who happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Martinov: Truth to be told, I didn’t think I was going to get Vader’s approval for stopping Leia in her tracks.

Zeus: Regardless, now we have to pay for…expenses, by suffering. Specifically with “The Book of Digimon” by Marko Ragnos629, who is an alternate account of the guy who wrote that one Danny Phantom/Jurassic World Crossover.

And since this is a Star Wars/Digimon crossover, I’d be obligated to tell you about Digimon…if I actually knew about it. I only read Secret of the 327th for the Star Wars bits.

Martinov: And the other half?

Zeus: Some weird prophecy thing involving a Dark Centaur and a lake of DARKNESS. I don’t know, and I don’t think I care.

But that’s not what’s on the menu, this is.

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2377: Talk Show of Pudding episode 1

Title:Talk Show of Pudding episode 1
Author: memyselfisesshy93 and Ghastlyme4
Media: Kitchen Sink
Topic: Kitchen Sink / Star Wars
Genre: “Humor”/Parody
URL: Talk Show of Pudding episode 1
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Well hey there, patrons!  Welcome to my latest mini-project, Talk Show of Pudding!

As a little background, I found this… thing through a completely different fic in my to-do pile that this author wrote.  When I went to profile-check her this week, I found this little mini-series of pure fail and moved it to the front of the list.

Before we talk about what this ‘fic’ is, let’s first take a look at why it immediately caught my eye:

This is when two siblings are bored. They make a TV talk show. Their fisrt guest is… Luke Skywalker! There’ll be anime, video game, and other characters from random stuff later on.

If you want a recipe for a hot mess, you’ll not often find a better one than that.  I mean the parody/humor genre on FF.Net is already a cesspool, but literary talk-shows never end well.  And toss in a couple of bored teens into the mix and you’ve got yourself something special.

And by special I mean one of the most* cringe-inducing attempts at humor I’ve seen.

*Not true, but this does count as one of the few that are super-cringy but don’t feature swearing and racism as the focal point of the humor.

This particular train-wreck is written by memyselfisesshy93, an author of some other fics that we may see featured here in the future, and Ghastlyme4, who is strangely absent from ff.net.  I presume either because he was banned from the site, closed his account, or never actually was a writer and just using an online handle.  I personally think it’s the last thing as some snooping around online found a few references to that username on the World of Warcraft and League of Legends forums.  And given what we’re about to see, that fits the demographic where I’d place Ghastly.

Anyway, this series consists of seven episodes, of which only six are available.  The fourth episode is missing, likely because it was reported for some form of offensive content.  You’ll see why that’s the most likely reason in a very few moments.  Though, I suppose it’s also possible that they misnumbered their episodes and never thought to go back and check to make sure they were done properly.

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