2142: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Ten, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons, it’s Wednesday so let’s get rolling!

Last time on The True Force we had much more regurgitation.  But before that we had Auru working on his Lamest Duck nomination by running around doing mostly nothing.  He brought the flute to Impa and Zelda so that they could flee back to the plot rails with it, launched an emergency distress beacon that won’t be picked up by anyone, got his shit kicked in by Ganon, and then dragged himself to the temple of time so that he could die conveniently on the dais in the most melodramatic way possible.  Otherwise the second half of the chapter didn’t really offer anything of note beyond some extended dialogue between Ganon and Link.

This being a brand new chapter, and thankfully the last one before the time-honored one-shot break, let’s check out our new disclaimer and author’s note.

Disclaimer: How many people are reading this exactly?

My optimism would hope it to only be me, but I know better.

(checks story stats) Oh, right. That many.

Knock it off, Vikki.  I don’t want to have to make a counter for every time you talk about your stupid page views.

Well, for those of you who are still here, you already know I don’t own this.

Which is the primary issue with plagiarism.

Author’s Notes-

(hears footsteps – looks up from playing Phantom Hourglass) Oh, hello. Perhaps you’re lost? I think you took a wrong turn at the crossover section.

I mean, you’re not wrong.  But that’s more of a “life choices” thing at this point and less picking the wrong crossover.

Here, let me direct you back to the main desk… wait, what?

You probably want to avoid the main desk of the crossover section.  It’s managed by Starblast Shepard, daughter of Bella Swan, Commander Shepard (Vampire), and the tenth Doctor.

You really meant to be here?

It’s depressing to admit, but yes.

 Well now, that’s odd. I could have sworn nobody cared about this story…

Well, I don’t, but I’m still here.  Figure that out.

 well, go on. It’ll at least appreciate the attention since no one but myself and my friend Writer seem to know this place exists.

Uh, ja-wha?  So you get all these page views that you can’t shut up about, but assume nobody knows the fic exists?  That’s some fucking incongruent logic there.  That’s like assuming because there are only 240 reviews of King Aurthur Bread Flour on Amazon, that only 240 people have ever purchased that flour.  Which is insane because King Arthur Flour is one of the most well known flour brands to both hobby and professional bakers.

This riff brought to you by the good people of King Aurthur Flour*. “Buy our shit and stick it in your loaves, bitches.”

*This may not be true.

Oh, and when you’re done, perhaps you can figure out how the blue link at the bottom of each page works… careful, though. It’s a bit dusty.

Speaking of things that are easy, maybe you can figure out how to write a story without stealing most of it.

Did that sound condescending?  Yeah?  Imagine that.

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2135: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Nine, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back, Patrons!  This week, we actually have a recap to do!  Nine chapters in and Vikki finally wrote enough original material to be noteworthy.  I mean, there’s not a lot since the original scenes were mostly padding, but it’s something.

So last time Ganon had this showdown with the king.  And by that, I mean Auru wallowed in vague fear for about two-thousand words and then Ganon killed the king with a handshake.  Luckily the King’s death finally spurred Auru into some long overdue action.  It wasn’t much, shouting, “do the thing!” to Impa right in front of Ganon followed by running to the library for a flute, but it’s more than he’s ever done in the fic thus far.

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2129: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Nine, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Another Wednesday, another week of a literary Zelda Let’s Play.  The doors are locked from the outside, by the way.

*Taco glances at his door*

Including mine, which is fortunate because-

*The door bursts open as Swenia sweeps into the room with Jiwe in tow*

“Taco, you’re not doing anything important, so I need you to watch the monster while I help set up the P-A-R-T-Y for tonight.”

*Taco rubs his temples*

Right, locked from the outside.  Fine, I’ll keep the birthday boy busy while you set up.  Try to keep the explosives to a minimum this year, we’re still cleaning up some of the sub-basements.

“No promises.  You hang out with Taco, Kiddo, and I’ll see you later.”

“Kay!  Hi, Taco.”

Hey, Shrimpy, you might as well make yourself comfortable, this is a long one.

Anywho, last time nothing outside of established Ocarina of Time plot happened, so no recap for you!  It’s going to be the last time I can claim that for a while, since I read ahead a little and this chapter has several chunks of original material.  You’ll see why that isn’t a good thing within the first two-thousand words.

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2123: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Eight, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Welcome back to The True Force, the fic with thus far vanishingly little Force.  Or trueness.  I’m sure it tried to find a way to have very little “the” but I’m not even sure what that would be like.  Maybe write a fic without the word “the” in it?  That would be awkward as hell, so I’m sure somebody’s tried it.

Anyway, last time we were treated to the first part of the Yabu-Yabu dungeon.  It didn’t really deviate from the standard playthrough beyond making Ruto extra snobby and Navi blessedly silent, so there’s not much to actually recap this week.

Let’s head on in to our chapter already in progress.

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2117: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Eight, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to The True Force; today we jump into the first bit of the Jabu-Jabu dungeon wherein Link is swallowed by a giant fish god.

Yeah, the Legend of Zelda is weird at times.

Last time we rushed through Link’s first, exceptionally vague meeting with the Zora.  There was some other padding before that, but it really amounted to nothing much at all.

Summaries are surprisingly easy to write for a fic where little-to-nothing happens in each chapter.

Anyway, since we’re at the beginning of the chapter, we once again get to suffer through one of Vikki’s disclaimers.  I’m sure you’re all giddy with joy.

Disclaimer: Maybe I need to put up a sign, like a wooden one, with carved letters. Or a neon sign… that would work too.

Hopefully that sign says “Disclaimers are pointless and inadmissible in court” in big friendly letters.

Ooh, even better: a visual display that follows you everywhere. Because that would make this disclaimer thing awfully…

Obnoxious?  Sorry to say, but it’s already been obnoxious for at least seven chapters by this point.

why are you still reading this?

Because I’m the jerk who’s making fun of this pile of crap and the disclaimers are low-hanging fruit.

I own nothing. Seriously.

Once again with the sudden philosophy!  I mean, it’s not an inaccurate viewpoint depending on how you define ownership.  We’re all going to die eventually, so at best ownership on an individual level is transitory, and transitory ownership is similar to leasing.  But, I’m not sure the disclaimer is the best part of your fic to explore such quandaries.

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2110: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Seven, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

*Walks into Riffbooth #272, quickly dusts off the console, and turns the “Power on” crank until the computer starts to boot*

Whew, finally back, patrons!  Sorry for that extended break there, but I’m finally past all the convention and guest stuff, so let’s get cracking!

Last time we had a Touching Moment of Bonding™ between Link and Ashei’s younger, less violent and much less interesting expy.  They traveled a while for no real reason beyond that they were heading in the same direction and eventually parted ways once Vikki’s name-drop high wore off.

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2094: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Seven, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey, patrons!  Welcome back to Legend of Zelda: The True Force.  I know it’s been a while due to all the recent Sucktastic festivities, so let’s do a little recap!

The author is playing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, transcribing her playthrough, and pretending it’s a fanfic.  She just finished off the first visit to Death Mountain by visiting the fairy fountain and riding Kaepora back to Kakiriko village.  A short, five word trip later, and they find themselves back at castle town.

And that brings us to now.

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