2645: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised – Day (Chapter) One

Title: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Author: Master Darth Warious – Lady of Chaos
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Lord of the Rings/Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Hot Mess
URL: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Heya, patrons!  Now that I’m caught up on all the guest riffs that were sent earlier this Summer, it’s time to dig into the fic I threatened you all with promised to riff back in October during the Spooptoberfest.  For those who need a refresher, I riffed a fic called A Sith’s Halloween, and I had questions.  Many, many questions.  So, to answer probably none of them, we’re now moving on to the parent fic of that one: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised.  At the time I said I really didn’t want to riff two Star Wars fics in a row, but this thing has forced my hand.

Now, since this is the revised edition, you might expect this to be a polished and refined version of the original.  You also might be new here, greetings!  You’ll find your information and flavor packet under your chair.  Try not to get them wet unless you’ve got a craving for noodles.  Regardless, I’m sure you’ll all come to agree that the original must have been a dumpster fire of epic proportions for the hot mess we’re about to riff to be the improved version.

I’ve also gone ahead and cut our usual Star Wars correspondent loose on this riff, both because I have a feeling this thing will have less to do with Star Wars than True Force did, but also because he tried to bite me in the face when I walked into his room to ask for help.

Anyway, enough stalling, let’s get this shit-storm on the road!  I’m sure that how idiom do, yes?

Summary first!

On request I have re-written this story in a different format and addded information.

Hypothesis:  “revised” may actually mean “twenty-five percent more d.”

Darth Maul, Darth Warious and Haldir of Lothlorien all end up on earth and have ‘adventures’ with a normal life. (Complete)

I’m sure you will all come to agree that ‘adventures’ absolutely deserves those quotation marks.

Onwards to the-

Two Sith Lords and an Elf

By Darth Warious

Disclaimer: I don’t own 4-H, Star Wars, LotR, or any of their characters. I do own the characters, Darth Warious, Commander Rogue Dragon, Lillian and Pegasus.

Oh, right.  One of those.

Wait, does that say “Commander Rogue Dragon”?  And why the hell are you disclaiming ownership of 4-H?

*Taco slowly slides the bottle of scotch off the shelf and sets it on the riffing desk.*

Trouble brewin’.

I suppose your gonna hit us with an author’s note now, right?

Huh, there isn’t one.  That almost never happens!  A moment.

*Quickly flips through the fic*

Well, look at that, there are author’s notes, but they are some of the least chatty and pointless I’ve seen in a long time and seem to always be placed as a footnote to the chapter.  If that lasts the entire fic, I may end up having to hand over a redemption cookie because this is one of the least bad implementations of authors notes I’ll have riffed.

Sadly, that may turn out to be the high-point of what we’re about to be subjected to.

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2632: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Finale

Title:Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

Notice:  Lots of explicit content this week.  Not safe for work or anyone who wants to avoid smut.

We’re finally here, patrons, the last installment!

Unfortunately, we still have to riff it and it’s going to be another marathon installment like the last one.  Swenia is still here hoping to catch some of the action.

“Dern tootin'”

And the bleachers were already full when I arrived.

*Popcorn rains down on Taco and the crowd begins to chant* “BRING! ON! THE! PORN!”

Why did you invite them?

“Because you stopped early last time and I’m a vengeful soul.”

Okay, fair enough.  Want to attempt a Crunchy-cap?

“Sure.  Changing, strong spirits, and a boring-ass dance-party.”

Works for me, let’s check out the cringy couple as they try to get past the fact that one of them is roaring drunk.

For a while, it was quiet. The walk back was longer than either of them had anticipated, and any stirrings of arousal that the dance might have conjured had faded somewhat and a subtly awkward silence replaced it until Link found the courage to grasp Ashei’s hand and run his thumb gently over the back, relishing the softness of her skin.

Speaking of subtly awkward.

“I don’t think that sentence counted as subtly awkward.”

“Did they… did you bathe?” he asked quietly, the first words either of them had spoken since slipping away from the festivities.

“Rude.  Especially since you didn’t.”

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2627: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Thirty, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy Swenia

Hello, patrons!  We’re finally here, the last chapter!   With me as al-  Swenia, what the hell are you doing here?

Aw crap, it’s going to be one of those kinds of chapters, isn’t it?

“Crunchy read ahead and was very persuasive in convincing me to sit in for him.”

In that he told you there would be nudity and/or sex?

“Yup!  I was also able to haggle some babysitting out of him in return for sparing him from *ahem* ‘Another of those accursed interlude chapters.'”

I see.  I don’t suppose he-

*Swenia pulls out a small piece of paper and unfolds it before reading*

“‘Metallurgy, witch shenanigans, and refusal to dodge.'”

Right, then, let’s see what we’re in for!

Disclaimer: *checks pockets* I have five bucks. I don’t own this.

“Are the disclaimers normally this depressing?”

Most are a little worse, honestly.

Author’s Notes-

PLEASE READ: There is a section of NSFW smut in this chapter. If that isn’t your cup of tea, please skip from right after the dance sequence to the next to last line break.

“My cup of tea!?  Way ahead of you, girl!”  *Swenia pulls an overflowing bucket of popcorn out of somewhere*

Dragon Age is still a huge obsession, but I think I’m dealing with it?

“Do we know what that means?”

Between Calvin Klein and Obsession lies Dragon Age.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no.'”

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2622: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Nine, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Here we are, the final regurgitation!  Crunchy!

“Injury hang-ups unhung by recovering from them, scar fondling, and then dungeoningeoning.”

Fantastic, let’s finish this chapter off!  We join the tepid quartet on location right after the fight with the Iron Knuckle.

“Well,” Obi-Wan said in between breaths as they took stock of their injuries and waited for their hearts to return to a normal pace, “that could’ve been worse, I suppose.”

“That follows.  The worst injury sustained is that the Jedi are winded.  Still it certainly could have gone better, primarily through a liberal application of the Force and lightsabers.”

Link spat out some of the dirt that had gotten caught between his teeth as Ashei tended to the cuts on his face from the exploding rubble. “Yeah, why can’t every battle we have go like that?

Overly complicated with the Jedi not contributing?  I’m pretty sure ALL the battles go like that.

“Aside from the boss battles, which are brief with the Jedi not contributing.”

 Well, I guess it would be significantly less interesting if things went that right every time, but still… wouldn’t kill the world to be a little boring every once in awhile, you know?”

*Crunchy hisses and covers his snout* “The irony burns!”

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2618: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Nine, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

And here we are, the last regurgitation chapter.  Sadly, I went back in checked, and it’s also the longest chapter in the fic by about a hundred words.  Fortunately, we’ve suffered through so many regurgitation chapters that I’m not going to feel bad summarizing large swaths of this one.  Let’s get cracking!  Crunchy?

“Crawling in the dungeon, metal leather straps, standard deviations, and Auru continuing his trend of inaction.”

Perfect!  Let’s check out this chapter’s disclaimer and author’s note.

Disclaimer: Do we really own anything?

Possibly debatable, since ownership is a societal construct; however, as a construct the validation of ownership is pursuant to societies definition of owning something.  Whether or not you agree with society’s view on ownership, it’s probably still a good idea to at least assume you own your own meat bag.  Bad things happen when that basic ownership is not assumed.

I mean, it’s all just plot devices, right?

“No?  I am not at all convinced that an entity laying claim to physical or intellectual property could be considered entirely plot devices.”

Still, I think a patent law thriller is something the world needs.

Wait… there’s something in the water isn’t there?

Is there?  Let me check.

Hmm, I think it’s just a bunch of sticks that are catching the light in a weird way.

“It is quite obviously a duck and its shadow being partially obscured by a wave.”

I’m not usually so philosophical…

Says the author who has broken down into pseudo-philosophical ramblings almost every time she ventured away from the plot she was stealing.

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