2259: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Sixteen, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Welcome back, patrons!  Sorry about missing last week, work got a little real and I ended up having to spend a few days traveling in order to pull a regional upgrade project together.  That aside, we’re back at it this week starting with a chapter recap smoking hot off the griddle.

*Crunchy gingerly lifts a an oily, slightly browned, and still steaming sheaf of paper off the desk by its corner*

“You went to surprising lengths in order to execute this bit of humor.”

Well, go ahead and read it.  You can eat it afterwards.

“Delighted.  Last time our troupe of ineffectuals tormented a young goron for information then went clothes shopping.”

Sounds about right to me, off to the disclaimer and author’s note!

Disclaimer: I may or may not have said this before, but I believe that both Shigeru Miyamoto and George Lucas are MALE.

“Although entirely irrelevant to any kind of disclaiming, I am relatively sure they identify as such, yes.”

I am, as far as I know, FEMALE. You do the math.

Is… is she coming on to middle-aged producers of popular franchises?

“That is certainly a different tactic to disclaiming than is typical.”

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2252: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 11

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of Mandalorian Effect, the fic that will be putting itself out of our misery in short order.

Last time, Smugularity had an obnoxious battle sequence, then embraced his mission to conquer the galaxy. Let’s go.

“How are things coming along Liara?” Asked Alren as he stepped into the lab.

It had been two days since his ascension to Mandalore and while the young leader had his doubts he had actually acclimated quite well to the position. In fact it was as if nothing had changed at all save for the fact that news had spread across the extranet like wild fire making him the most talked about subject in the galaxy currently.

Because of fucking course he was.

But that didn’t matter since Alren was now checking up on Liara cause as soon as his coronation was over she had thrown herself head first into studying the beacon they had saved.

Somehow, I don’t think the author quite understands how causality works.

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2249: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Fifteen, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

*Crunchy’s head lazily lifts up from his heat rock as Taco, wrapped in several large blankets, rushes into the room*

“Remind me again why you live in this glacial wasteland?”

Trust me, I ask myself that all the time.

“Hmm.  Remind me to see if I can get an author transfer to one of the Librarians who resides in a more tropical climate.”

Pretty sure you burned all those bridges years ago.  Regardless, it’s your turn to handle the recap while I get myself settled.

“Very well.  The party went to a bar.”

Care to fill that in a bit?

“They went to the bar to acquire intelligence of what might be waiting for them up the mountain.  While there they spend a large amount of time ordering drinks and then had an informant fall into their laps who provided them with a large amount of information.  Most of that information comprised things that would have been common knowledge or knowledge that Impa should have been able to provide them.  The only esoteric information provided was that of Volvagia’s name, which is largely irrelevant aside from spoiling any degree of surprise that might have happened later during the actual confrontation.”

So, basically, nothing happened.

“Nothing that needed half of a chapter devoted to it, at the least.”

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2246: Mandalorian Effect – Chapters 9 and 10

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapters 9 and 10
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of Mandalorian Effect, a fic starring a guy who has become such a concentrated mass of smugness that he’s collapsed into a cosmic event: the smugularity.

Actually, that’s a better nickname than Dickhead. His name is now Smugularity.

Last time, in what was actually a well-executed example of dramatic timing, Smugularity returned to *gag* New Mandalore and found it under attack by the geth. The author then shat away any goodwill that earned him when he used an author’s note to reveal that the actually-interesting plotline of Benezia infiltrating the Mandos to steal the Beacon was actually not happening at all. I’d just read too much into the awkward writing. It’s really my fault for assuming that Nicranger understands the concept of subtlety.

New Mandalore, Orbit

Alren looked at the Geth fleet attacking his home with a cold, calculating gaze. He was beyond angry but knew it wouldn’t help him to just rush in there. He may have the technological advantage but he was vastly outnumbered. Sure he could use the Ion cannon that was the Malevolence’s trump card but he wouldn’t be able to take out the entire fleet with it and he would lose the element of surprise.

What’ll it be, Alren? Watching your new home burn, or seeing it consumed by the event horizon of the Smugularity that is your own head?

What he needed was more ships but the Geth were putting up a very powerful jammer that even his technology was having trouble bypassing. Then something struck him. The shipyards had been working on recreating the old Mandalorian Cruisers along with a new ship design that his favorite scientist had cooked up. By his knowledge the ships should have been completed over a month ago.

I believe the Latin term for this type of plot event is machina ex rectum.

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2243: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Fifteen, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, peoples!  Welcome back to The True Force; this week we’ll be tackling the first half of the last of the short chapters.

“That continues to be depressing whenever you say it.”

So, to recap last week, the group finished off their dungeon crawl of the Forest Temple by saving the last of the totally-not-ghost Guardian Poes, killing a much more talkative version of Phantom Ganon, and sharing some hardcore plot regurgitation with Saria Makar and the Deku Sprout.  With all that taken care of, they decide to head on their way to Death Mountain as the plot crawls inexorably toward the extreme melodrama of Link having to slay the dragon he hung out with for a few hours as a child.

“With this being a new chapter, I suppose we are to start with another of those odious disclaimers, yes?”

Yup!

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2241: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 8

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 8 – https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11814489/8/Mandalorian-Effect
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of Mandalorian Effect, the fic that kinda sucks. A lot.

Last riff, Dickhead was a dickhead. I instituted a counter to tally up particularly infuriating instances of his dickheadedness, but now I’m scrapping it because I was buzzing it every other ficbit.

Let’s get started, shall we?

New Mandalore, Mining Region

Because the entire planet has one singular mining region

“Tali for the love of Mandalore just tell me what it is you want me to see!” Demanded Alren for the hundredth time as the Qurian women just continued to smile and lead him along one of the many tunnels that made up New Mandalore’s mining district.

“For the love of Mandalore?” Uh, shit-for-brains, you’re Mandalore. That’s what you get to be when you’re in charge of the Mandalorians.

The young leader was not in a very good mood as he had been woken up fairly early and dragged here by Tali because apparently the miners had found something that was very important. Or so Tali had said.

Oh, hell. What new little hunk of bullshit is the fic dumping on him this time?

“No Alren it’s a surprise.” Responded Tali as she continued to drag Alren down another tunnel.

No Alren, and no punctuation either.

Thats a fair tradeoff Ill take it

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2238: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Fourteen, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, everyone!  Welcome back to The True Force, where the plot’s stolen and the characters don’t matter!  With me once again is our Star Wars correspondent, Crunchy.

“You seem to be unusually chipper this morning.”

This week we get to finish the two-chapter slog of the Forest Temple, I’m kinda excited to get that behind us.

“I see.  And how much roughage have you had this morning?”

No time to answer, time to recap!  So, last time we had dungeon crawling in the form of a ghost hunt ripped straight from the game, but that really took a back seat to the significant time devoted to everyone being absolutely gobsmacked by hallways going all twisty and then going all un-twisty.  Because apparently animated skeletons, ghosts, time-travel, the Force, fairies, and doors all were insufficient to prepare the group for magical hallway shenanigans.  And that’s really all that happened.

“Essentially, nothing happened.”

Well, nothing new happened.  It’s sort of a different flavor of nothing than the chapters devoted to Vikki’s character interactions.  It’s kinda strange that Vikki has managed to come up with a fic that explores so many diverse ways of padding things out.  Anyway, let’s jump in right where we left off:

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