1636: A Very Special Christmas – Chapters Three and Four

Title: A Very Special Christmas
Author: Jasmin Kenobi
Media: Television / Movies / Whatever else you have.
Topic: Star Wars / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Adventure/Friendship
URL: A Very Special Christmas 
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to this year’s holiday-of-choice special!  With me again is Crunchy.

“Ahem.”

I am not using your full title.

“Fine, then you can do the recap yourself.”

Fair enough.  Last time  we met Jasmine Kenobi, our resident author-insertion Sue.  Jasmine is a Jedi knight, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, and the top street fighter of Tatooine.  Last time, she spent some time agonizing over what to buy for her babies before the scene shifted over to her padawan,T’mir, getting hassled by Scottie and Chekov while trying to purchase a window.  After that, we cut up to the bridge of the Enterprise as Kirk embraces the life of the intergalactic voyer and continues the crusade against T’mir by spying on her in her room.  Spock acts all mysterious for about three sentences before it’s dropped that T’mir is his cousin.

So, Spock goes down to visit his cousin, and is promptly interrupted by a baby, Ashoka, and one of the infants.  Everyone banters for a few sentences before the baby and Ashoka leave to be quickly replaced by Elaine Kirk and Clone Trooper Jesse.  Which apparently was supposed to be a cliff hanger because the chapter ends abruptly after she introduces herself.

“A shame that cliff hangers require audience investment to be effective.”

Yeah, not giving a crap about the name parade really does hamstring any tension that might try to accumulate.

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1629: A Very Special Christmas – Chapters One and Two

Title: A Very Special Christmas
Author: Jasmin Kenobi
Media: Television / Movies / Whatever else you have.
Topic: Star Wars / Kitchen Sink
Genre: Adventure/Friendship
URL: A Very Special Christmas 
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

“Gleeful Sithmas season to you all, Patrons!  I hope none of you have been very good this year, since only the most vile among you will get a visit from Thanos tonight!”

Does that generally end well?

“That depends.  If you can best him in single combat, or if you lay enough traps, you can wrest the Infinity Gauntlet from him and be like unto a god for the rest of the holiday season.  Otherwise he lays waste to you and everything you hold dear.  Which is beneficial to the rest of us because it thins the herd a bit.”

Can you remind me why we all celebrate this holiday again?

“For those not at the top of the villainy pyramid, the season comes with a gift exchange and an all-you-can eat pie buffet.  Pie is one of those things that transcends the boundaries of good and evil.”

Right.  Heyo patrons, I hope you’re all having a good holiday-of-choice season!  As is tradition, I’ve asked Crunchy here to sit in and help out as our resident expert on Sithmas.

In order to get everyone in the holiday spirit, I planned to riff a Saturnalia fic for everyone.  Sadly, those are in short supply, so I had to sub in a Christmas fic instead as there are thousands of those to chose from.  This year, I found a little gem in the Star Wars cross-overs that ostensibly is a Star War / Star Trek 2009 crossover, but that classification doesn’t really capture everything that this fic is.  It’s a little on the long side for what I have time for, so we’ll be chopping it in half and making it a two-week special.

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1561: Hellsing Unleashed – Oneshot

Title: Hellsing Unleashed
Author:  Devilboy101
Media: Anime / Video Games
Topic: Hellsing / Star Wars: Force Unleashed
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Hellsing Unleashed
Critiqued by Darth Overlord (Retired) Crunchy

Salutations once again, patrons.  Taco has continued to elude capture, so you are privileged with my company for another week.  Today the girls have found me a-

*Crunchy reads the title*

Hellsing fic, apparently.  And it has been crossed with a Star Wars video game.  How quaint; crossing two non-miscible canons.  Such pairings always delight.  A peek at the summary should give us some inkling what we are in for.

It has been a long rode for Starkiller, For he have lost everything, seapt Proxey, and the Reapublice.  But he did lost Juno.  After awile he crase lands on earth, but learns that evil is every where, but he will not stop untile he and his freinds are safe from harms way, and at leased he get a new girl now.

I hate everything. Well, more so than usual.

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1520: Herr’s Guest Spot on Friday Night Fanfiction

Hey folks, it’s Herr Wozzeck here! And… well, this Thursday I don’t really have anything written up. School starting up will have that effect on folks.

But while I’m here, I actually did something. This actually counts as something of a late post since this post is technically two weeks old (three from the time I recorded it), but near the end of my summer I actually appeared as a guest on a podcast called Friday Night Fanfiction, which is hosted by Steve-O and his friends at nerdyshow.com.

So if you want to hear me scream my face off about bad fanfiction, run over here:


1115: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka – One Shot

Title: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka
Author:  Ron The Fan
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Resident Evil / Star Wars
Genre: Suspense / Sci-Fi
URL: Deadliest Warrior: Rebecca Vs Ahsoka
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

So this week we have a… I don’t even know what to call this. I can’t even call it a fic because of how absolutely, incomprehensibly awful it is.  I mean there just isn’t anything good you can say about it.  Well, I suppose the author’s spelling isn’t terrible, so maybe one thing you can say that’s kinda good.

“That sounds great. Why do you hate me again?”

Reasons. This little fic is the obvious result of watching too much of Spike TV’s Deadliest Warrior mixed with an overwhelming fanboy crush on the Resident Evil series and the need to show that it’s way better than other canons. Those of you following along with Ert’s riff on The Final Hour will probably find this to be rather familiar. From the title you can probably guess the premise: A comparison between Rebecca Chambers and Ahsoka Tano. I’ll turn it over to Swenia for a quick combat analysis.

“Let’s take an objective look at these combatants. Rebecca’s only big appearance in the RE series is of her outing as a rookie agent on her first mission. Her abilities include combat training specializing in urban settings, and the use of short blades and firearms. In contrast Ahsoka has a childhood of study to become a Jedi and actual battle experience form the Clone Wars ranging from duels against dark Jedi, many of which she actually lost, and leading troops into combat. Now, Ahsoka’s only a Jedi Apprentice, but it takes 10+ years of constant training and mental discipline to get to that point. Ahsoka’s abilities include combat training utilizing a blade of pure plasma and training in utilizing the Force. If this is a straight head-on fight like those in the Death Battle series, the battle would be a pretty hefty landslide for Ahsoka. Her force abilities will let her shape and control the battlefield, and the lightsaber renders Rebecca’s ranged weapons ineffective as well as having enough reach to prevent the use of a knife. Unless Rebeca could utilize the element of surprise, which is unlikely in a head-to-head battle, there is very little chance of her emerging with a victory.”

Looking ahead, it appears this might be more of a contest on who can kill the most targets.  Or at least that appears to be part of the consideration.

“That becomes a bit of a closer battle depending on whether the targets are hardened and also depends heavily on the shape of the battlefield. In a flat open plain, against hardened targets I’d put my money on Ahsoka. The only thing Rebecca can bring to the table against hardened targets is a rocket launcher, and the fire rate would severely limit her ability to take them out quickly. She might be able to utilize an assault rifle with armor-piercing rounds, but if the targets are hard enough, she’d need to concentrate fire on one target before moving on, greatly slowing her ability to dispatch targets. Meanwhile, Ahsoka has a lightsaber which can deal with hardened targets relatively quickly unless the targets are specifically designed to counter a lightsaber. Now, that same field full of soft targets would have to go to Rebeca. Her utilization of rapid-fire ranged weapons will out-do whatever Ahsoka will be able to manage with her melee weapon. However, if we change the battlefield to something with more cover, let’s say a rocky mountain-side, the odds swing back to Ahsoka. Her ability to control the battlefield with the Force, namely by throwing large chunks of it at clusters of opponents hiding behind cover, would prove far more effective than simply having the range of firearms.”

So, there you have it, the only situation that really works in favor of Rebecca is if the battle is in a flat, open plain without anything big to hurl. Since the author’s profile pretty well indicates he has a huge fan-boner for the Resident Evil series, who wants to place bets on this being an unbiased analysis? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

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936: Jasmine cumslut – Chapter Three

Title: Jasmine cumslut
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media:  Movies/Video Game/TV Show
Topic: Aladdin/Mass Effect/Street Fighter/Star Wars/Kim Possible/My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: “Romance”
URL: Jasmine cumslut: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Crunchy, and Sura T’Lenya

WARNING: This fic contains extremely graphic references to sexual acts that may be considered deviant by some people: thus, this snarking is NSFW. The entire plot of the fic is also about human trafficking: because of the way the subject is treated in this fic, those who are sensitive to the subject may wish to (and probably should) skip this riff entirely.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back for more Jasmine cumslut. I’m your host Herr Wozzeck, and this time I’m still joined by Crunchy and Sura.

S: How much longer is this thing going to go? I’ve sat through several weeks of this shit, and I’ve got nothing to show for it except the urge to arrest several motherfuckers.

Thankfully, Sura, this is presently the last updated chatper of this thing. And of course, that means that this will be our last installment… for now.

C: This monkey plans on continuing it?

Maybe. We’ll see, and honestly, I’m kind of hoping he does. Considering what he said, there is a lot of room to perform a particular… thought experiment.

S: Uh-oh… Herr, what are you planning?

Oh, you’ll see if he uploads it. Let’s get going, shall we?

C: I am positively nauseous with anticipation.

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929: Jasmine cumslut – Chapter Two

Title: Jasmine cumslut
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media:  Movies/Video Game
Topic: Aladdin/Mass Effect/Street Fighter/Star Wars
Genre: “Romance”
URL: Jasmine cumslut: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Crunchy, and Sura T’Lenya

WARNING: This fic contains extremely graphic references to sexual acts that may be considered deviant by some people: thus, this snarking is NSFW. The entire plot of the fic is also about human trafficking: because of the way the subject is treated in this fic, those who are sensitive to the subject may wish to (and probably should) skip this riff entirely.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back with this crap.

Sura: Are we really going right back in?

Unfortunately, yes we are.

Crunchy: I have told the Darkwraiths to prepare the brain bleach baths for our dear readers.

Yeah, good call there, Crunchy. I get the feeling we’re all going to need it after the horrors that will follow this chapter.

S: Tell me about it. I’d rather bathe in xenomorph blood than read this fic any further.

I didn’t think you knew what those were.

S: Never underestimate Xerxes on Halloween.

Fair enough. Let’s get to it, shall we?

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