1062: Legendary Warriors, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Three, Part Five

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by SC, Sir Paulo Rori and Dame Cassia Rori

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85!

Even my phone hates this fic!

Even my phone hates this fic!

I’m your host, SC, and last time, Alex was a Big(?) Damn(?) Hero(?) and saved Kaya from Demon!Nago.

We also learned last week that Paulo got hitched and never told anybody! Well, following my advice, he decided to bring his lovely wife Cassia along this time around, making them the second married couple I’ve had as guests in my riffs! And since I’ve already shown you all pictures of what she looks like, we’ll just skip right to the introduction!

Cassia: Pictures? Oh, Paulo, you never told me that you carried pictures of me with you! How sweet!

*Paulo blushes and scratches the back of his head quietly*

He such a sap, isn’t he?

Cassia: Indeed, but that is why I married him.

Well, that’s as good a reason as any.

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1061: Yes, But It’s a Female Zombie : Chapter 1, Pt1

Title: Yes, But It’s a Female Zombie
Author: Cyberweasel89
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Is This a Zombie?/Kore wa Zonbi Desu ka?
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Salutations, sweetest Patrons!

I’m here with the first “real” chapter of this Kore wa Zonbi Desu Ka? fic! Or at least as much of it as I can get into a reasonably sized riff without putting everyone to sleep.

The previous chapter was chock-full of stuff – all of it things that should have been in the fic rather than an extended Author’s Note – that was little more than a laundry list of characters and they’re “improved” traits, so there isn’t really any point in trying to summarize it. This chapter begins with another disclaimer and the same kind of heading listing the author, work title, and chapter title (the chapter is called And not an exhibitionist pervert!) so I’m going to cut both of them in the interests of brevity.

“Today will be cloudy, possibly with brief, scattered showers. Please be sure to take an umbrella when going out. Okay, go and have yourself another great day!”

…Oh-kay. I hope there’s some context coming up soon because I’m lost. This sounds like the TV weather report that opens the first episode of the series, but without some kind of description it is just words floating in the Void.

With a groan, she sat up from her bed, dressed only in a pair of boyshorts and a camisole.

She who? The she who was just giving a weather report? How could she report the weather from bed?

Yawning, she got up and shuffled like a zombie into the bathroom,

… Is this the “regular person acting like a zombie in a zombie film” thing? Because Shaun of the Dead did it better.

lowering her boyshorts and taking a seat on the toilet.


…I don’t remember that happening in the anime or in the manga. Kind of odd that everything except this toilet is hanging out in the Formless Void.

Heh… Shuffled like a zombie. How ironic.

Not if this is Fem!Ayumu, who is a real zombie. Irony would imply that the action is somehow contrary to what the audience expects. This is more like foreshadowing.

Or… fitting? Eh. She wasn’t one for that kind of humor.

Or any kind that I’ve seen so far.

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1060: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapter Three

Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media:  Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

WARNING: This installment of FaCe ThE StRaNgE contains an explicit scene of poorly-written sex. Thus, this installment is NFSW.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to FaCe ThE StRaNgE.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, if you’re wondering what makes this fic so infamous… Well, you’re about to find out. Seriously, you guys have no fucking idea.

*breathes in*

Well, as the crazy one said to the one who planned it…

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1059: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Twelve

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza

Hey folks, welcome to Wednesday! Unfortunately that means more Eighth Spirit, a fic that somehow managed to be 98% plot regurgitation yet still far, far worse than the source material. With me once again is Sw- Eliza, what are you doing here?

“Hi! Swenia has her remediation meeting with the DRD today, so I’m filling in!”

Shouldn’t you be watching Jiwe or something?

“Naw, Crunchy’s got it.”

You’re letting Crunchy babysit!? I really don’t think that’s a good-

“Hose-y, fasser!”

*Crunchy trots by the Snark Booth door with Jiwe on his back.*

“Crunchy puts on a good show, but he’s a bit of a teddy bear with the kids.  They’ll be fine.”

Whoa there, kids!?

“Glasses keeps doing whatever it is she does to become a toddler.”

Ah, right.

So… last time we had the Battle of Hoax. At least, I think we did. Everything was so vague that it could also have been a couple of fog banks colliding. After a bunch of really horrible action scenes, Slippy is eventually knocked down by Garland Kongol, but is saved at the last moment by Rose. Probably because she doesn’t know any better. After that, we get a little info-dump on the dragoon, and then the party decides to go dragon hunting. Which leads us to now.

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1058: The Final Hunt- Chapter 4 part 1

Title: The Final Hunt
Author: Uhjinhyuk55
Media: Video Game/Anime
Topic: Bloodborne/RWBY
Genre: Drama/Adventure
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Erttheking

Cornelia: Why is the station sealed from the outside?

Goeth: Manus triggered some failsafes then fried the motherboard! Whatever you do, don’t blast your way in, you’ll decompress the entire station!

Seiko: If I can pry open an airlock and then slam it shut when we’re in, that won’t be a problem.

Nora: I can’t think of any better ideas.

Cornelia: All right Seki, you’re the strongest so it’s up to you.

Seiko. S-seki?

Nora: Job to do!

Seiko: Right!

Cornelia: Christ, I swear this has been going on for years. Ok, so when we last left off the hunter decided that the hunter would stay and the hunter would enroll at school so that the hunter would have a reason for being at Beacon…the hunter.

Nora: Also he got younger because for some reason portals to other dimension always de-age you or turn you human/pony instead of…I don’t know, making you grow a third testicle. Read the rest of this entry »

1057: The Undocumented Powers of Winnie the Pooh – One Shot

Title: The Undocumented Powers of Winnie the Pooh
Author: J T Elroy
Media: Book / Cartoon / Video Game
Winnie the Pooh / Final Fantasy 7
Genre: Humor / Fantasy / Cross-over
URL: One Shot
Critiqued by Lyle

Warning:  This fic contains graphic depiction of death.  Please avoid this one if you’re sensitive to graphic violence.

You know what we’ve been missing around here lately?  If you answered “more bizarre Winnie the Pooh fanfic” then today is your lucky day!  Welcome to “The Undocumented Powers of Winnie the Pooh.”  Thankfully, it is a one shot.  It’s also very short so we don’t have to suffer for long.

Oh, and did I mention that this is a cross-over?  With the JRPG Final Fantasy VII (7)?  Well, it is.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.  FF7 and Winnie the Pooh.  It is, as of yet, the only FF7/WTP cross-over fic on ff.net and hopefully it will remain the only one.  *crosses fingers*

Let’s start with the summary, shall we?

Sephiroth discovers Pooh’s honey is actually Mako. An epic battle ensues.

Because when you think of Winnie the Pooh, the first thing that always comes to mind is “epic battle.”  This is going to be good.  Let’s dive in!

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1056: A New World – Chapter Four and Five

Title:  A New World
Author: locoattack1
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: Chapter Four and Five
Critiqued by FaeriesFrost (formerly Swing Sweet Seraphim)

*A figure dressed in Archaeologist type cloths appears from the mists of the library*

Salutations dear patrons it’s me Seraphim, now known as FaeriesFrost! It’s been awhile hasn’t it? In case you don’t remember I was the guest riffer who took on the challenge of slogging through the shit swamp of a fic called A New World, penned by the infamous Locoattack1 author of the “great” story Dashie critiqued by GhostCat. Well, seeing as my Archaeological studies have come to close for the summer I have decided to take the reins up once again and continue to journey deeper into A New World.

*takes off Indian Jones style hat, puts on her cowboy hat and swings into the saddle*

It was sure nice of the Librarians to take care of my horse for all those months. Hm, I wonder how Marston is doing? I sent him on ahead but haven’t heard back from him in a while.

*begins to roll a cigarette*

In case you have forgotten, last time in A New World we met our whiny Gary Stu protagonist Danny. Danny is a miserable little whelp of a 14 year old boy who suddenly finds himself thrown into the world of Equestria sans family. Upon finding this out Danny decides the best form of action to take is to amble on down to Pony Ville with dubstep blaring in his ears. Of course along the way we are introduced to his love interest, no one pony other than Rainbow Dash. After being knocked unconscious Danny wakes up and lets Dash know he isn’t a threat and that his home world Earth is a complete shit hole and the “never plans on going back.”

*places cigarette in mouth, strikes a match, and lights the end of her hand rolled smoke*

Let’s continue shall we?

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