2488: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 8 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Previously, turian forces made landfall on Earth and started beating the crap out of the Alliance and UN. And, really, that was about it.

Oh yeah except that the humans fought back using anime mechs, which was never put on the Bingo Board because I never thought any HFY story that took itself even remotely seriously would actually try it. This is the second or third time that has happened with this story; somehow it has actually gone beyond HFY and into something that’s a class all its own.

I still don’t know why the author even thinks giant robot wolves would even work when even the DARPA brochures he seems to consult for the majority of his technical background acknowledge that they are at the very least unfeasible with anything resembling current technology and only applicable to very rare military situations.

first_war_bb_9.png

IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH counter: 18

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2466: Jason Michael — Crappy Pasta

Title: Jason Michael
Author: Madison.herbert.52
Media: Creepypasta
Topic: Jeff The Killer (I think?)
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Trollpasta Wiki Rehost
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons! Put on your Lava Wings and make sure you have a plan to give the appearance of having escaped from being trapped inside a painting without actually leaving the painting, because it’s that time of year again!

 

 

 

 

 

Today is a momentous and auspicious day in the history of spoop, my dear patrons, because at long last THE TROLLPASTA WIKI IS BACK ONLINE WITH A NEW HOSTING SERVICE!!

“Ia! Ia! Trollpasta fthaghn!”

No more scrounging around a bunch of merely bland, forgettable pastas to get to the few that are outrageously bad. Now they’re all in one place!

“No more having pastas get deleted mid-riff, or between when we deciide to riff them and actually get around to it!”

And, of course, who can forget such gems as Donald Trump Kills the Creepypasta Universe, Sonic.exe Vietnamese Crystal Edition, and Does Anybody Know A Good Plumber?

“I mean, look at this! I just clicked on a link randomly, and I got a Jeff Clone with terrible grammar called Jason Michael!”

No, it’s not in fact slasher-slash.

“Aww, glub. Serves me right for getting my hopes up, I guess.”

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2459: The Bowser and King Boo Theory — Crappy Pasta

Title: The Bowser and King Boo Theory
Author: MyWorld, whose profile page lists his occupation as “future author and comedian”. The tragic part is, he might just make good on both of those.
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mario
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: The Bowser and King Boo Theory
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk-Nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons! Don your purloined facial tissue and give a good thorough examination to the actions of a cartoon horse’s bladder, because it’s that time of year again!

Nina?

“Your janitor locked me in the freezer!!”

Not only am I almost certain he had good cause, you are infinitely better off for it compared to having experienced Cupcakes.

“Ok, yeah, good point.

Can I just go back to the freezer now? It wasn’t as stupid in there.”

Sorry! You made your choice! But the faster you play the video with the dancing pumpkin man in it, the faster this’ll be over!

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2445: The Purple Queen – Chapter 25 (FINALE!)

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 25
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

FEED YOUR HEAD

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 189
Roll Call count: 8
Vomit Boy count: 8

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the last chapter of The Red Queen! Don’t go reaching for your Kool and the Gang yet, though, because this show ain’t over until the fat lady sings.

(Though if you’re reading that means I already finished this in the past and Celebrating is therefore acceptable)

Last time, Sueby Psychose began her revenge on Weissome McSchneevil, OoC!Blake, Not!Pyrrha, and the other dumbass conspirators. She killed one of the nameless OC conspirators for a while and then nothing else happened. Yang and Jaune were also on their way out to try to de-escalate things. Everybody was very stupid and my Sentence Fragment count is almost at 200.

Even before I start the riff, this chapter is about 6,000 words, which is how long my riffs usually are with snark, and I’m planning on typing up a sizable rant at the end. Still, this is the last installment, and it’s already cutting into what should be the start of the Badfic Zone, so consider this a special jumbo-sized rifftacular!

It should’ve just been another night in Beacon, right?

However, the sun had failed to set at the appropriate time, causing it to continue to be a day in Beacon instead of just another night.

It was very strange.

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2439: The Purple Queen – Chapter 24

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 24
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Goffik Tearz of Blood

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 158
Roll Call count: 7
Vomit Boy count: 8

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the second-to-last chapter of The Red Queen. Last time, Sueby ran around threatening the dumbass conspirators. Onward!

Beacon Academy.

An Academic Sentence Fragment count: 159

On second thought, can we go get coffee before we get started? If literally the first sentence of the chapter is a fragment, I know this is going to be a long one.

GoodJamags: Probably a good idea.

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2435: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which may at some point have had something vaguely to do with Mass Effect.

Last time, some random Marines who refused to surrender on Roof engaged in a convoluted process to get a signal back to Earth informing their friends that the planet had been invaded.

You know, it just occurred to me that this seems like a bit of an unnecessary objective for the Marines to even be pursuing. Since system-to-system communication is pretty easy for the humans and there were previously established to be news and personal messages being sent back and forth routinely, one would think that just the prolonged silence of the planet would cause Earth to send in an expeditionary force to check it out pretty quickly without anyone on Roof even needing to do anything.

Also ‘Roof’ is still a terrible name for a planet.

Either way, the message had the unfortunate side effect of informing the turians of Earth’s location, so now they’re gearing up for a full-scale assault.

first_war_bb_8

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2434: The Purple Queen – Chapter 23

Title: The Red Queen
Author: Dravyn LeCrux
Media: Web Series
Topic: RWBY
Genre: Drama/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 23
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

I’m Gonna Be Just Like You

Uwaah count: 13
A Sentence Fragment count: 155
Roll Call count: 7

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with the next chapter of the gripping epic that is The Red Queen. And not happy to be here, either. Last time, OoC!Blake was showing some last-minute attempts at being in-character, but it mostly just amounted waxing angsty about being involved in Ruby’s murder which was so far out of character in the first place that the whole thing is just not working.

Anyway, she ran into Sueby WHO IN THE WORLD COULD THAT BE but nothing really came of it.

“You say that Ruby will be coming back soon?”

“Yes Professor.” Jaune said to Ozpin, looking at him with all due seriousness.

“And exactly what do you base this on, Mister Arc?”

The fact that she’s been wasting time not to have come back even by now?

“Well Professor,” Jaune began, trying to collect his thoughts on the matter. It’s not like this was very easy to explain, but he had to try. “I was talking to Yang before, about Ruby of course. And the topic of Ruby’s personality quirks came up. A fact I had never learned until Yang had told me, Ruby is the type to take things on herself. So if she’s attacked, I doubt she’ll call for help immediately. Add onto that the fact that she was seemingly killed, and she would no doubt want to strike back. Now, gathering Grimm? If that doesn’t prove her intent to fight back, not much would. As for her returning here, and soon, I base this off of a map of all of the attacks and appearances made by the Red Queen.” Saying so, Jaune pulled out a large map of Remnant and placed it on the table. All over the map were various circles, dots, and lines all drawn in a fine point marker.

By the way, I sincerely hope that this isn’t the big thing the author kept promising he was going to do towards the end. Since, you know, it’s kind of really obvious.

“Please do explain what this means, Mister Arc.”

Yeah, that would be apprec-

“Yeah, hurry up and explain Vomit Boy!”

NO NO GET IT IT’S A THING THEY SAY IN THE SHOW AREN’T YOU FUCKING LAUGHING RIGHT NOW

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