1794: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 2

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello, all you patrons and welcome back to The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy, SSJ Lone Wolf’s ME/Halo crossover that is doing its level best to asymptotically approach EclipsePheniox in quality!

Last time Logan-B312 the Noble Stu got barfed onto Eden Prime during the geth/Reaper raid, and immediately put his god-mode Forerunner augmentations to good use by blowing up a bunch of husks and geth and then mentally undressing Jane Shepard and Ash Williams. He saved Nihlus from getting shot by Saren and then immediately beat the shit out of the entire Normandy landing team for having the gall to point their guns at the giant black armored thing that showed up behind them without any warning instead of immediately dropping to their knees in abject worship of his mighty Hyper-Lethal-Vectorness. No hard feelings were had, however, and Logan proceeded to steal all the badassery in the area for himself while disarming the bombs Saren had planted at the Eden Prime docking area. Then Shepard got a headfull of Beacon pretty much as canon, only Logan got to be all Edward Culleny in giving her permission to lose consciousness before carrying her back to the ship.

Amorous Counter: 26

Show and Tell Counter: 7

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1787: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 1 Part 2

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you Patrons! And welcome back once again to the fetid pile of rampant Stupidity that is The Lone Wolf of the Normandy.

Last time we got introduced to Logan-B312, aka. *gags* The Grim Reaper, aka. *gags harder* Hyper-Lethal Vector. He got left behind on Reach when the Covvies invaded and almost got himself killed, but then brought back to life by some Forerunner AI called Militant Bias that spent basically the whole rest of the chapter giving him upgraded armor – sorry, upgraded “amour” – upgraded biomedical shit, upgraded weapons to fire upgraded bullets, a Slipspace thingy in his tactical pad that lets him carry basically an entire armory’s worth of gear around and teleport it out whenever he needs it, the military AI Auntie Dot as his own personal assistant on a chip in his helmet, and probably for that matter an upgraded meter-long dick as well. Then he got sent through a portal to what I can only assume is this Eden Prime place the summary talked about, and that was really about it.”

Show and Tell Counter: 6

Amorous Counter: 26

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1782: The Lone Wolf Of The Normandy — Chapter 1 Part 1

Title: The Lone Wolf of the Normandy
Author: SSJ Lone Wolf
Media: Games
Topic: Halo / Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by:
AdmiralSakai and JLT. Troy Fisher

Hello hello all you patrons!

*In the rollie-chair next to Sakai’s, a young man dressed in olive-drab Marine-issue body armor shifts position awkwardly. He is lean but well-built, with pale skin and brown hair cropped military-short.*

Uhhh… hi?”

Let me introduce Junior Lieutenant Troy William Fisher of Love of a Spartan fame- today’s tactical adviser, DRD-repellant, and all-around badass.

So… stuff goes on on this screen and we have to pick it apart for the audience? That’s how it works?”

Basically. Let’s start with something… wow. Ok, so this guy. This guy has sixteen different Halo ‘fics, each and every one of them dealing with his Noble-Six Stu. Twelve of them are bizarre crossovers where Noble is transplanted to some random franchise that I am fairly certain does not want him, including Naruto, Bioshock Infinite, and Percy Jackson & The Olympians… or, in this case, Mass Effect.

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1776: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu – Chapter 2

Title: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu
Author: William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Media: Books
Topic: H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
Genre: Horror/Supernatural
URL:  Chapter 2
Critiqued by
: AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons!

Today we return with more of Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu, William Ungerstein Fmergio’s disastrous attempt to turn H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos into a high-school AU.

Yes.

Really.”

Last time we were introduced to Popo Spawn-of-Cthulhu-the-Cancerous-Tentacled-Blemish-on-the-Cosmos-Birther-of-Maggots-and-Vermin, a high-school girl who is somehow also the direct biological offspring of a building-sized Great Old One. She managed to starve herself to death in the middle of a populated city after her parents went on vacation and somehow transferred their mortgage into her name…

… and was promptly somehow resurrected by Great Cthulhu to serve as His ‘champion’ in a ‘war’ with basically every other inhabitant of the Mythos (which would be fought entirely by solo human representatives because apparently the Great Old Ones suddenly care about the Prime Directive for some glubbing reason).”

This resulted in her increasing a cup size and her hair turning green. That’s literally it.

So she went back to her human secondary school and basically continued business as glubbing usual, although she also tried to look up Great Cthulhu in the library and can’t find anything until another young female named Hanako pointed her directly to the works of H. P. Lovecraft himself (whose existence inside what me and the other Mythos types call ‘reality’ still makes my head hurt). A little later Hanako turned into some sort of cross-between-a-Deep-One-and-a-Black-Sabbath-album-cover thing and tried to strangle Popo to death in the name of Father Dagon. I for one was completely onboard with that, but then Hanako got killed by some other girl named Natasha who used the plague-based (?) powers given to her by Nyarlathotep to climb out of Hanako’s shadow and dissolve her where she stood.”

And if any of this sounds actually interesting to you, just imagine it being related in prose more appropriate for the troubleshooting manual of a cordless drill.

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1770: Popo, Star Spawn of Cthulhu- Chapter 1

Title: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu
Author: William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Media: Books
Topic: H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
Genre: Horror/Supernatural
URL:  Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome to my first riff as an official member of the Library of the Damned!

Good for… you, I guess. But if this doesn’t mean you’re finally going to write my cameo into Y’ha-nth’lei Minute like you promised, I really can’t be bothered to give a flying glub.”

You know, there are other characters in the UNITYverse aside from yourself…

Pffffff.”

Well, a few days ago I confirmed that there is indeed a ‘Cthulhu Mythos’ section to fanfiction.net, and it’s… well, really about what you’d expect. The status of H.P. Lovecraft’s mythos as one of the earliest formal ‘shared’ canons that any writer could contribute to, coupled with a writing style that was… well, both very distinctive and kind of formulaic has guaranteed the existence of droves of solidly OK superficial imitators.

And then there’s this story, by William Ung… *squints at username and tries to find the vowels* umm… William. I give you “Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu”.

Hmm.

Actually, that makes a fair amount of sense.

Wrong Popo, buddy.”

Oh.

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1764: Fall to Equestria – Chapter Fifteen (But really Chapter Thirteen)

Title: Fall to Equestria
Author: doomboom1234
Media: Television/Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: FIM
Genre: Sex/Comedy/Human/Random/Romance
URL:  Chapter Fifteen Thirteen
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

-WARNING-

Beware, for here be dragons. Or at least more hardcore pony porn.

Hello hello all you patrons!

Welcome back to Fall to Equestria, ruining awesome characters since late 2012.

Last time our plucky protagonist Loser Martin was captured by the Changelings, promptly escaped through a method so stupid and thermodynamically dubious that I refuse to even recap it, and then immediately turned himself in again. This led to fortunately unconsummated sexytimes with Queen Chrysalis, who apparently was not evil at all and just misunderstood (needing a whole three sentences from the Stu to devolve into a sobbing wreck). Then Princess Celestia showed up and did the first sensible thing in the ‘fic, namely magic-blasting Loser Martin to within an inch of his life while trying to shoot the Queen.

With his miraculous Stu powers he somehow survived the blast. Well, he’s bleeding out, but considering that that Celestia was trying to kill Chrysalis and we’ve seen her literally blast enemies apart, Loser should be chunky salsa by now.

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1757: Fall to Equestria – Chapter Fourteen (Which is really Chapter Twelve)

Title: Fall to Equestria
Author: doomboom1234
Media: Television/Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony: FIM
Genre: Sex/Comedy/Human/Random/Romance
URL:  Chapter Fourteen Twelve
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry

-WARNING-

While there’s nothing at all explicit for a change, this chapter does contain some potential flamebait in the form of nonconsensual Changeling ‘seduction’ attempts.

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to the horror that is Fall of Equestria.

Last time Loser Martin got into a pretty explicit ‘massage’ with Aloe and Lotus…

And racked up a bunch more sexual favors…

… then had the ‘pleasure’ of finding Princess Luna sleeping ontop of him like the world’s largest, pointiest housecat before someone or something

Wasn’t me! (Though I wish it was…)

finally did what we’ve all been wanting to do since Chapter One and knocked him out cold.

Bad touch counter: 47

He woke up in a room with green slime and a mattress, and that brings us to Chapter Twelve, “Understanding the misunderstood”.

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