2250: Harry Potter Becomes A Communist – Chapters 33-37

Title: Harry Potter Becomes A Communist
Author: HardcoreCommie
Media: Book/Film
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy/Parody
URL: Chapters Thirty-ThreeThirty-Four, Thirty-Five, Thirty-Six, and Thirty-Seven
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

WARNING: Yep, it happened again, patrons: this installment of Harry Potter Becomes A Communist has more fucking sex in it. This means our installment is NSFW this week as well. You know the drill!

Hello patrons. Sorry if I’m a little mystified: I’m still taken aback by Hagrid being a monarchist of all things to be. Like… what? It honestly defies explanation, it really does.

So I guess now that it’s confirmed that this is a troll fic, I guess the only thing to do is to keep going with it, right? Because it’s not even well-done trollfic. I mean… There’s something about this that makes for good conversation, but do I stop here…?

No. I already quit halfway through FaCe ThE StRaNgE and the laziest Smash Bros. fanfic in existence, I shouldn’t do that here too. Let’s keep forging on!

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2249: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Fifteen, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

*Crunchy’s head lazily lifts up from his heat rock as Taco, wrapped in several large blankets, rushes into the room*

“Remind me again why you live in this glacial wasteland?”

Trust me, I ask myself that all the time.

“Hmm.  Remind me to see if I can get an author transfer to one of the Librarians who resides in a more tropical climate.”

Pretty sure you burned all those bridges years ago.  Regardless, it’s your turn to handle the recap while I get myself settled.

“Very well.  The party went to a bar.”

Care to fill that in a bit?

“They went to the bar to acquire intelligence of what might be waiting for them up the mountain.  While there they spend a large amount of time ordering drinks and then had an informant fall into their laps who provided them with a large amount of information.  Most of that information comprised things that would have been common knowledge or knowledge that Impa should have been able to provide them.  The only esoteric information provided was that of Volvagia’s name, which is largely irrelevant aside from spoiling any degree of surprise that might have happened later during the actual confrontation.”

So, basically, nothing happened.

“Nothing that needed half of a chapter devoted to it, at the least.”

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2248: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapter 12

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the very last chapter of Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Previously, Sly and the Attal OC Brigade just sort of dicked around war-torn Moscow for a while fighting nameless RED goons and accomplishing vague objectives. There really wasn’t a great deal more to it than that, really, although apparently Bastion doesn’t exist or something and was actually a hallucination of Sly’s due to Stalin69 somehow conflating the characters of Bastion and Cole and then just flat-out refusing to fix his mistake Sly having something called “the disease of Him” which may or may not be connected to the evil dentists.

Anyway, we left off as the team prepared to board and destroy a giant RED airship which is totally not a Kirov, with Sly having been given a small white Magical Mystery Crystal by Ras to use when the mission inevitably goes pear-shaped.

And that’s… really about it.

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2247: The Garfield Story One-shot

The Garfield Story One-shot
Title: The Garfield Story
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway (yes that one)
Media: Cartoon/Movie
Topic: Garfield/A Christmas Story
Genre: Drama/Supernatural
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10963071/1/The-Garfield-Story
Critiqued By: Crazy Minh & Biskit

CZM: Captain’s log: Stardate 24356.52.3. I have just assumed command of the Starship Bongo after my riffing studio was unexpectedly blown to pieces in a tragic failure of a “completely routine chemical experiment” by a individual whose identity will remain unknown for the purposes of this log. We are now on a five month mission to the Fanfictium Nebula to conduct a…

Biskit: Captain Crazy sir! There’s a red thingy on the scopes!!!

CZM: Dear god. Don’t call me ‘Captain Crazy’ while we’re on duty. Afterwards, that’s perfectly fine. Status of the red-thingy?

Biskit: It appears to be a class-2 unmanned probe. It’s IFF identifies it as a message buoy sent from the Library Servers. Receiving our assignment data:

CZM: *reads mission briefing* FUCK! Oh nononononono!!! We are NOT doing this!!!

Biskit: Captain, may I remind you that you’re on probation right now? You don’t have the capacity to refuse given orders.

CZM: *sigh* Ok. On-screen.

*riff-of-the-day pops up on the main veiwer*

CZM: Hello patrons, and welcome to our guest review of ‘The Garfield Story’, a one-shot by the author who brought you ‘Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventures’. I’m your captain and guest riffer Crazy Minh…

Biskit: …and I’m the First Officer and double-guest riffer Biskit.

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2246: Mandalorian Effect – Chapters 9 and 10

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapters 9 and 10
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of Mandalorian Effect, a fic starring a guy who has become such a concentrated mass of smugness that he’s collapsed into a cosmic event: the smugularity.

Actually, that’s a better nickname than Dickhead. His name is now Smugularity.

Last time, in what was actually a well-executed example of dramatic timing, Smugularity returned to *gag* New Mandalore and found it under attack by the geth. The author then shat away any goodwill that earned him when he used an author’s note to reveal that the actually-interesting plotline of Benezia infiltrating the Mandos to steal the Beacon was actually not happening at all. I’d just read too much into the awkward writing. It’s really my fault for assuming that Nicranger understands the concept of subtlety.

New Mandalore, Orbit

Alren looked at the Geth fleet attacking his home with a cold, calculating gaze. He was beyond angry but knew it wouldn’t help him to just rush in there. He may have the technological advantage but he was vastly outnumbered. Sure he could use the Ion cannon that was the Malevolence’s trump card but he wouldn’t be able to take out the entire fleet with it and he would lose the element of surprise.

What’ll it be, Alren? Watching your new home burn, or seeing it consumed by the event horizon of the Smugularity that is your own head?

What he needed was more ships but the Geth were putting up a very powerful jammer that even his technology was having trouble bypassing. Then something struck him. The shipyards had been working on recreating the old Mandalorian Cruisers along with a new ship design that his favorite scientist had cooked up. By his knowledge the ships should have been completed over a month ago.

I believe the Latin term for this type of plot event is machina ex rectum.

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2245: Portal 3 Aperture Again! – Chapter 1

 

Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Portal
Genre: Humor/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the start of a nice, long fic! Well, long-ish. There’s a lot of short chapters. And this particular fic is written by the author of the SubNautica/Sonic the Hedgehog fic that I worked on a while back, which is definitely a thing that exists. I poked around in the author’s other fics and they all seem to heavily feature the same Sue, Terminal Velocity (she prefers T), in various scenarios where she does the standard Sue things of being generally better than anyone. According to the author’s bio, there are actually several different people using the same account to write these fics;

IMPORTANT NOTICE. THE ACOUNT OF TERMINALVELOCITYRUNNER IS RUN BY SEVERAL PEOPLE. ONE WORKS ON YOUTUBE AND THE ASH AND ARCEUS SAGA AMONG OTHER THINGS, THE OTHER WORKS ON PORTAL FANFICTIONS AS HE KNOWS MUCH MORE ON THE TOPIC. ANOTHER ONE WORKS ON THE LEMONS AND LUDE SCENES YOU MAY FIND THROUGH OUR FICS. PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE THE THREE OR ANY OTHERS WE RECRUIT OR CONSIDER THEM THE SAME PERSON!!!!!!!!!!!

There doesn’t appear to be anyone on YouTube using that name, nor can I really tell that much of a difference between the fics. There’s some slight variations, but nothing that really looks as if it was written by a different person. However, it is always possible that there are several people writing similar bad fanfics about the same terrible character. Stranger things have happened.

Now, on to the actual fic and the fic summary!

What may have happened if the sun had gone out when Chell escaped from the Aperture Labs faculty.

…What?

Some of the information may not be accurate.

YA THINK?!?

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2244: Harry Potter Becomes A Communist – Chapters 28-32

Title: Harry Potter Becomes A Communist
Author: HardcoreCommie
Media: Book/Film
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy/Parody
URL: Chapters Twenty-EightTwenty-NineThirtyThirty-One, and Thirty-Two
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

WARNING: Well, it had to come eventually: this installment of Harry Potter Becomes A Communist contains references to sex, private parts, and more nudity than I think it really needed. This installment is thus rated NSFW. Read at your own discretion.

Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back to Harry Potter and the Gulags of Siberia. I am your friendly neighborhood Herr Wozzeck, and we are back in this bitch once again.

So, grab your hard hats: last time, we were gonna worry about a jail break. This time, we’re gonna see what happens with that, and I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be stupider than Trump’s latest policy proposal.

But, don’t worry! To alleviate our stress, I’m gonna introduce something a friend of mine came up with when I showed him an advance copy of the first chapter. So, thank Harlow for dipping in again, because this time, we’re playing Buzzword Bingo!

So here’s our card for this week:Buzzword Bingo

‘Course, I’ll only be marking it off if it’s in the story itself, so if it’s in an author’s note it doesn’t count. But hey, we’ve got lots of mileage there!

So let’s get going!

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