2430: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which I’m pretty sure is up to its second war now or possibly even third  but I am very sure has something to do with Mass Effect.

Previously, thanks to a tip by some mustache-twirling batarians, the turians finally managed to track down the Migrant Fleet on Roof, and save said batarians from complete extermination at the hands of the quarians. The quarians, indignant over the interruption of their latest unprovoked mass murder of civilian targets, called in their human pals and tried to attack the turians. Again.

This actually went about as well as you would reasonably expect- to quote Ross Scott, shooting the cops in fact means they just send a lot more cops, and with literally thousands of turian ships pouring into the system the Alliance’s ass was resoundingly kicked. Turian troops even landed on Roof’s surface, but then the Alliance decided to use shitty knockoff orbital nukes to kill everyone– turians, quarians, human civilians, and whatever else- rather than allow filthy alien feet to desecrate their sacred soil.

Unsurprisingly, this left the Hierarchy more than a little pissed.

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2424: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 5 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which up until now I was worried was actually a 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ‘fic.

Previously, the quarians and humans had a bunch of ethnic tensions going on as the quarians colonized Eden. Then a fleet of four hundred batarian ships showed up, intent on colonizing what they thought was an uninhabited system (they call it ‘Porland’ instead of ‘Eden’ for reasons I cannot begin to fathom), no doubt loaded to the brim with mustache wax, large hams, and Campbell’s Rich & Chunky.

The batarians told the quarians running the joint defense fleet to clear off or they would tell the Council their location, and then the quarians told the batarians “don’t give our location to the people who want to arrest us for our indiscriminate murders, because if you do we’ll indiscriminately murder you as well! We’re such great people!”

Surprisingly, the batarians decided this qualified as a threat and went ahead and preemptively attacked the quarians.

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2417: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 5 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War In Mass Effect: A Mass Effect Tale, which is set in Mass Effect.

Last time the quarians and humans finally made their alliance official and the quarians got settled onto a continent of the human colony Eden that the humans I guess just were letting sit there.

Oh yeah, and also, we saw our first shot of the Council at the end, where it was revealed that the reason why the quarians were on the run in uncharted space to begin with was because they killed ten thousand turian colonists who dared to claim a planet the quarians had designs on through official channels beforehand and the Council is thus, for once, understandably pissed. It is unclear if the humans know about what the quarians did or not, but I don’t suppose they will care:

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The ‘Rama’ Sequels: A Literary Hard-SF Trainwrecktrospective

Title: Rama II and The Garden of Rama
Author: Arthur C. Clarke (theoretically) and Gentry Lee
Media: Literature
Topic: Rendezvous with Rama
Genre: Sci-Fi
URL: They are actual printed books that you have to actually buy.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

As Mass Effect The First War continues to drag on to an uncertain conclusion, I’ve decided I’ll be taking a break every five or so chapters to keep things interesting around here. Normally I’ll be riffing oneshots or fanart or doing goodfic recommendations during these interludes, but there’s something else I’ve been meaning to look at for a good long while now that, while it falls under LotD’s general umbrella of “really terrible writing based on a pre-existing canon”, is not technically fanfiction. Think of this as similar in a lot of ways to Bats’s comic retrospectives, although really it probably is closer to just plain fanfiction that somehow got published alongside the original source material.

Please be aware that I have blacked out spoilers for the original work here, although those are mostly confined to the summary of said original work since the sequels have precious little to do with its mythology.

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2406: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: Mass Effect Edition: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Previously, the whole “quarian-human first contact” thing inched minutely closer to actually having high-level talks, with a delegation of humans being formed to meet with a quarian forward party on Earth. One of them was an individual named Christopher McGraw who is a super-successful teenage prodigy engineer with a cybernetic arm, daddy issues, an insolent attitude, and a prissy AI assistant- basically, Tony Stark with none of the redeeming qualities. I hate him already.

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2401: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Last time, the unnecessary face-to-face meeting between the Alliance and the quarians devolved into an unnecessary gunfight between the Alliance and the quarians after the quarians saw an AI and freaked out. But then the humans and their Spartan-knockoffs wiped the floor with the quarians and all was made fine and dandy  and the AI got to preach a bunch, so this didn’t really amount to anything other than making the last few chapters both a peaceful cheerleader First Contact and a curbstomp First Contact at the exact same time.

I didn’t even know that was possible, but HFY finds a way.

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2394: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Story: Mass Effect.

Last time, the quarian and human first contact teams finally got around to learning each other’s languages and setting up a face-to-face meeting. Then the quarians freaked out because the humans had an AI with them. And that was literally it.

CunkToad might have been willing to give this story more of a pass because there are long stretches where there is little to nothing technically wrong with it, ranging from basic spelling and grammar all the way up to the logical justification of characters’ actions. I, however, am not, because those passages also don’t accomplish anything worth reading about. We do not need to see all of the minutiae of the humans and quarians arranging a face-to-face meeting (and why they even need to do such a thing at this early stage instead of just using Space Skype remains a mystery to me); if nothing particularly informative about the story’s larger objectives or themes happens during that meeting we can just skip over it and everyone will assume it went fine. In fact, we’re some twenty thousand words in and I still don’t have the faintest idea what its larger objectives or themes even are. Other than sucking off the humans and ripping off a bunch of stuff from Halo with worse names, I guess, since we lit up the HFY Bingo Board pretty effectively, but even the standard HFY ship/gun/exposition porn was pretty thin on the ground most of the time. It’s interminable.

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