2617: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 12 Part 2

-WARNING-
This chapter contains some potential flamebait in the form of the author perhaps unintentionally outing himself as a “hard currency” advocate, and also making the quarians dyed-in-the-wool sexists for some reason.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Stumans sent a very purply-named warship to the Citadel to begin peace talks with the Council, with one of the Forgettable Admiralty Blob representing them in the preliminary exchanges. They agreed to send him onto the Citadel with a bunch of human troops disguised as quarians using Bullshit Holography™ for no real reason, and also made plans to detonate a nuke over the Citadel. Meanwhile, on the Council side, salarian respresentative Eistan continued to distort important intelligence and generally make an ass of himself by rambling about the physiology of the opposing delegation, and both he and Tevos T’sael freaked out about Councilor Sparatus wanting to actually have, you know, a negotiating strategy.

Also, Chris McGraw is an unstable, childish creep who doesn’t know the difference between affection and attraction. But we already knew that anyway.

first_war_bb_11

Let’s see how these peace negotiations inevitably disintegrate.

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2598: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 3

-WARNING-
After several thousand words of nothing much, the author finally begins to slip out of pure Wehraboo territory and into actual neo-Naziism with a big long rant containing Holocaust-denialist talking points.

Also, he gets creepy.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Gone.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years. Last time, some Chancellor von Jerkoffen guy complained that the Council was taking too much time setting up a reasonable response to the Reapers instead of… setting up a reasonable response to the Reapers. Except maybe the Reapers aren’t coming and he wants them to talk about some other unknown issue that’s bothering him? It’s all very unclear.

And then the first part of the Noveria mission happened, with automated defenses at Peak 15 in place of any geth.

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Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 9

Porsche Counter: 5

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2589: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 3

-WARNING-
This chapter contains more potential flamebait in the form of the author continuing to ramble about the Middle East, zionism, communism, and a bunch of other random hot-button crap.

Also, there are still Nazis.
Theoretically.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years. It’s been a while, actually, due to my own writing kind of taking over for a little bit, but now I’m back in this for as long as it takes to finish this stupid Wehraboo ‘Muchafic that I riffed as a break from The First War but is turning out to be basically exactly like The First War.

Last time we got… a timeline. A timeline in which, after very rapidly exterminating all of the Communist powers (and also the Japanese Empire) from the world, the Third Reich pretty much took a back seat to our old pal ‘Murca, which along with Great Britain had been given a paper-thin fascist makeover. Britain and Russia somehow got absorbed into the Reich and France never stopped being under the Vichy government, but other than that the Nazis really did not do much other than murderize the Communists (who I thought they had already messily exterminated) in Vietnam. A sort of Space Race happened (more of a space run, really, or possibly a space wank, since the might of the Wehrmacht the author had already eliminated every possible competitor) where the Third Reich was more of a Third Wheel to the Axis-aligned United States, complete with side-by-side flags on the Moon. Although they did manage to allow everyone on Earth with a telescope to get a look at their enormous Axis Space Station which could hold twelve men inside of it at once.

If you are wondering what any of this has to do with Mass Effect, yeah, the answer is ‘not very much at all’. Presumably the slight chronological acceleration of the milestones of the space program had something to do with the crashed Council ship they’d encountered in Antarctica, but it never really says. Somewhat more sophisticated but not particularly Council-like technology just kind of pomfs into being for no reason.

We’ve just gotten up to about 1981 in the timeline and it is still going.

Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 7

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2570: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 2

-WARNING-
The author begins to put his political views on fairly public display in this chapter, and they are… pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a guy who writes alternate-history HFY fanfiction featuring weirdly defanged Nazis.

Also, weirdly defanged Nazis are still Nazis, and are still in this ‘fic.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years.

Last time, we had a boringly mostly adequate section where some U-Boat captain found a wrecked Council ship in Antarctica, then for some reason this influx of new technology and weapons made Hitler want to reopen peace talks with the British because that‘s totally how Nazis would think.

Actually, “because that’s totally how Nazis would think” is shaping up to be a countable offense in this ‘fic, because these seem to be Nazis with every hint of racism or other undesirable qualities neatly and authorially excised.

This all brings us to the second half of Chapter 1, where the ‘fic becomes less of an implausible alternate-historical ‘fic and more of a regular old HFY ‘fic with, what else, a massive timeline featuring implausible events we mostly couldn’t care less about!

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2435: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 6 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War, which may at some point have had something vaguely to do with Mass Effect.

Last time, some random Marines who refused to surrender on Roof engaged in a convoluted process to get a signal back to Earth informing their friends that the planet had been invaded.

You know, it just occurred to me that this seems like a bit of an unnecessary objective for the Marines to even be pursuing. Since system-to-system communication is pretty easy for the humans and there were previously established to be news and personal messages being sent back and forth routinely, one would think that just the prolonged silence of the planet would cause Earth to send in an expeditionary force to check it out pretty quickly without anyone on Roof even needing to do anything.

Also ‘Roof’ is still a terrible name for a planet.

Either way, the message had the unfortunate side effect of informing the turians of Earth’s location, so now they’re gearing up for a full-scale assault.

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The ‘Rama’ Sequels: A Literary Hard-SF Trainwrecktrospective

Title: Rama II and The Garden of Rama
Author: Arthur C. Clarke (theoretically) and Gentry Lee
Media: Literature
Topic: Rendezvous with Rama
Genre: Sci-Fi
URL: They are actual printed books that you have to actually buy.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

As Mass Effect The First War continues to drag on to an uncertain conclusion, I’ve decided I’ll be taking a break every five or so chapters to keep things interesting around here. Normally I’ll be riffing oneshots or fanart or doing goodfic recommendations during these interludes, but there’s something else I’ve been meaning to look at for a good long while now that, while it falls under LotD’s general umbrella of “really terrible writing based on a pre-existing canon”, is not technically fanfiction. Think of this as similar in a lot of ways to Bats’s comic retrospectives, although really it probably is closer to just plain fanfiction that somehow got published alongside the original source material.

Please be aware that I have blacked out spoilers for the original work here, although those are mostly confined to the summary of said original work since the sequels have precious little to do with its mythology.

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2311: Harry Potter Becomes a Communist – Chapters 63-73

Title: Harry Potter Becomes A Communist
Author: HardcoreCommie
Media: Book/Film
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy/Parody
URL: Chapters Sixty-ThreeSixty-fourSixty-FiveSixty-SixSixty-SevenSixty-EightSixty-Nine, Seventy, Seventy-OneSeventy-Two, and Seventy-Three
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello everyone, and welcome back to what has somehow become the less offensive of two fics that I am alternating between. Yeah, I say “less offensive” now, because doing a political trollfic back-to-back with a fucking underage harem fanfic is, uh…

Well, let’s say it clarifies a few things.

Anyway, we’re back with more Harry Potter Becomes A Communist, so let’s get to it, shall we? Because as usual, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover today.

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