Title: District 9 and three quarters
Author: Fire Lord Mowse
Topic: Harry Potter/The Hunger Games
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 16
URL: District 9 and three quarters: Chapter 17
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to this pile of fuck.
Only two more installments, Herr. Only two more installments… You got this, Herr… You got this.
On with the show, yeah?
Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia
*Swenia glides into the snarking chamber wearing glasses, scholar’s robes, and holding a giant tome*
Uh, what are…?
“Hunting the ninja proved to be fruitless. As a change of pace, this week I’m hunting Book Specs.”
Really? You’d think he’d have about as much innate huntability as Crunchy.
“I like a challenge.”
Uh-huh. So, how’d it go?
“Not great. Ended up spending the morning moving piles of scrolls around, which created similar piles but in new locations. After that, I had to help him taste-test his massive collection of unlabeled potions of polymorph. Apparently he lost the one for unicorns and Eliza has been on his case to borrow it. We finished up the morning studying something called ‘The Prudlum Nothix’, whatever that was supposed to be.”
Sounds like a wild morning. I guess we should get started.
Last time the team flailed their way through the Limestone cave. This involved flinging themselves down a waterfall slide, flinging themselves through some water, and then flinging themselves at the Orobulous, which was a snake reborn as a centipede. That’s pretty much all that happened. There was ‘character development’ which consisted of us being told to feel things, but otherwise it was pretty bare-bones so far as actual events.
Nora: We are hauling ass back there but he might reach you before us! He’s got a pretty good head start!
Goeth: Copy that! I’m bringing the plasma cannon online! I’ve added a few laser turrets to the defense grid as well. They were meant for point defense, shooting down missiles and the like, but with enough concentration they should still be able to put one hell of a hole in him.
Ert: We got anything else?
Goeth: I appreciate your faith in my Ert, I really do, but I’ve only got two hands and whatever drones I can get rigged together. We’re kind of in the middle of nowhere and I’ve been focusing most of my efforts on repairing the engine. And by repair I mean, pull out whatever bits aren’t completely fried and using them to build a new one. I’m making progress but with the lack of materials out here you have no idea how much stuff I have to jury rig. I honestly am holding the laser turrets together with duct tape.
Ert: When we get to a place where we can properly restock, you need to build a force field for this place.
Goeth: *Rolls out paper* already have the blueprints written up. Study them at your leisure. Won’t stop capital ship fire, but anything smaller will have to take its time getting through. Should stop boarders to.
Woods: *Takes blueprint* I’ll look at that and figure out what parts the doctor will need. Until then, might as well get back to reviewing.
Hello, my lovelies! Welcome to another installment of “Tangled: alternative story.” This is supposed to be re-telling of “Tangled” assuming Rapunzel was never kidnapped by Mother Gothel. However, the author seems to have forgotten that and merely moved everything into the palace but kept the rest the same.
Last time we met, Rapunzel and Eugene (introduced as Flynn, his theif-name) were in the dark, un-described tiara room. Eugene was tied to a chair and then Rapunzel tried to feed him dinner. She ended up smacking him with the tray and then kneeing him in his oogly-bits because he got out of his bonds and grabbed her from behind. Rapunzel left the room and Eugene ran after her instead of taking that opportunity to flee in terror.
Before we press on, I’d like to take a moment to say that I think my biggest problem with this fic is that it actually had so much potential. The concept isn’t really that bad. It’s this author’s execution of it that’s piss-poor. Within five minutes I’ve already devised a better plot for how this “what if” could have gone. I’m highly disappointed that this is basically a regurgitation of the movie with them just in a different location.
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s plough onward.
agig: Ghostie, you may want to vacate the premises immediately. Now for the intro.
agig: Welcome, patrons and librarians to the “PROLOG” of “TEEN FORTRESS 2”, a “seekwillspinoff” of the infamous “ITS MY LIFE”. This story is terrible, as to be expected from the troll who wrote this. Anyway, let’s begin.
Cain: The story starts off with one of Marissa’s ALL CAPS author’s notes.
OK GUYS IM HAVIN TORBLE THINKIN UP WHAT THE STORY PLOT FOR TEEN FORTES 2 WILL BEEN BUT HEERS THE PROLOG FOR NOW.
Cain: *O-mouth* OMFG WTF did I just read? *clears throat* Whoops, sorry, I must’ve been infected by that, uh, sentence.
Title: How the hell did this happen?
Author: Flower Crown of Poppy
Media: Video Game
Topic: Silent Hill
URL: How the hell did this happen?
Critiqued by Glasses and Shades [Co-commentary by the rest of the Co. from Book Specs’ editing booth]
*Glasses, inexplicably reverted to a toddler again, runs into the room giggling whilst clutching one of Shades’ firearms in a very, very unsafe fashion; Shades follows in close pursuit*
Li’l Glasses: Bangy!
Shades: I told you not to touch my bloody guns, you infuriating little fuck! Give me that before you blow your own damn head off!
Li’l Glasses: Bangy boom?
Shades: What?! No, no bangy boom, NO BANGY-!
*Li’l Glasses pulls the trigger; thankfully, the gun is by this time facing away from her*
Shades: Jesus shite!
*Shades ducks and narrowly avoids being hit by the bullet Li’l Glasses fired*
Shades: Alright you, give me that damn gun!
Li’l Glasses: Buh-
Shades: No buhs, give it!
Li’l Glasses: Aww…
*Shades snags the gun out of a disappointed Li’l Glasses’ hands*
Shades: And this is why you lock your toys up, Shades – children can NOT be trusted around them.
Hello there, dearest Patrons!
I’ve returned with the middle chapter of this rambling mess of a fic that so far has been ninety percent plot regurgitation/flashbacks with a dash of wangst tossed in for flavor. :flips through notes: Pretty much the only information of note that was given to the audience is that Stitch is now a giant at six and a half feet tall, Lilo is now eighteen, and Stitch has had the hots for her since she was a child. I cannot stress enough how very, very wrong that is.
Freak with a pen walks out with a blanket draped over his shoulders and a bottle of aspirin clutched in his right hand.
Dude, we’re wearing the same thing! Well, one of us who isn’t armed with a weapon that launches acid-spitting aliens will have to change.