2404: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 3 & 4

 

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the last (thus far) two chapters of this continuing saga of a crossover.

In the last chapters Lex had a screaming nightmare and was left alone by her erstwhile guardians so she could chat on the phone with her boyfriend, followed by her arriving home from school to find ominous messages written in blood on her mattress – despite living in a household full of people with unnaturally enhanced senses specifically honed towards blood – and then she got dressed up for a party the family is throwing because reasons, likely something to do with the park since the other named characters from the film are supposed to be attending.

Now, on to the fic!

Once again, Lex found herself wishing that she could be anywhere but where she was.

Stuck in a badfic? I sympathize, but I’m not breaking the security cordon around the Literary Extractor to bust you out. One useless badfic character in the Library is enough.

:Markus leans in and give Ghostie the finger:

Get out of my riff! Shouldn’t you be off disappointing Crunchy?

:Markus leaves:

And take this finger with you! Dumbass.

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2397: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 1 & 2

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another fic! This one is also from the Jurassic park/World section and is also a crossover, but this time it’s a crossover with the town bicycle of fanfics, Twilight!

And it gets better! Not only is it another JP/Twilight crossover, but it’s a sequel to another fic we’ve already seen – the cavalcade of strangeness that is She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes.

You know what that means!

Also, the author really has a thing for nonsensical titles.

Weirdness aside, that fic seemed fairly complete, ending with the Sue being stalked by paparazzi at school and pitching a bitch-fit regarding how triggered she was that was soothed by attention from a cute boy. It just sort of fizzled out like many we see in the Library, so I have no idea where this sequel is supposed to be going. I’m sure the summary will let us know.

Sequel to She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes. Carlisle now heads InGen and the Volturi plot to use this to take down the Cullens once and for all, starting with the death of Lex. But what happens when Claire’s nephews and Owen are in the wrong place at the wrong time? Enter Forks at its most dangerous and deadly time.

The fic hasn’t even started yet and I already have questions. How would the Volturi use the fact that Carlisle is (for some inexplicable reason) now the head of a company to ‘take down’ the Cullen clan? The sparklepires do have a masquerade in place to prevent normies from getting suspicious, but as long as Carlisle retires before anyone notices that he doesn’t age and doesn’t do anything stupid like make herds of sparklesaurs he should be fine.

…There’s going to be herds of sparklesaurs, isn’t there? And they’re going to try to attack all the named characters from the movie (who will apparently all be in Forks at the same time with the sparklesaurs because reasons) and the Sue is going to have to save them, isn’t she?

Crapcakes.

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2377: Talk Show of Pudding episode 1

Title:Talk Show of Pudding episode 1
Author: memyselfisesshy93 and Ghastlyme4
Media: Kitchen Sink
Topic: Kitchen Sink / Star Wars
Genre: “Humor”/Parody
URL: Talk Show of Pudding episode 1
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Well hey there, patrons!  Welcome to my latest mini-project, Talk Show of Pudding!

As a little background, I found this… thing through a completely different fic in my to-do pile that this author wrote.  When I went to profile-check her this week, I found this little mini-series of pure fail and moved it to the front of the list.

Before we talk about what this ‘fic’ is, let’s first take a look at why it immediately caught my eye:

This is when two siblings are bored. They make a TV talk show. Their fisrt guest is… Luke Skywalker! There’ll be anime, video game, and other characters from random stuff later on.

If you want a recipe for a hot mess, you’ll not often find a better one than that.  I mean the parody/humor genre on FF.Net is already a cesspool, but literary talk-shows never end well.  And toss in a couple of bored teens into the mix and you’ve got yourself something special.

And by special I mean one of the most* cringe-inducing attempts at humor I’ve seen.

*Not true, but this does count as one of the few that are super-cringy but don’t feature swearing and racism as the focal point of the humor.

This particular train-wreck is written by memyselfisesshy93, an author of some other fics that we may see featured here in the future, and Ghastlyme4, who is strangely absent from ff.net.  I presume either because he was banned from the site, closed his account, or never actually was a writer and just using an online handle.  I personally think it’s the last thing as some snooping around online found a few references to that username on the World of Warcraft and League of Legends forums.  And given what we’re about to see, that fits the demographic where I’d place Ghastly.

Anyway, this series consists of seven episodes, of which only six are available.  The fourth episode is missing, likely because it was reported for some form of offensive content.  You’ll see why that’s the most likely reason in a very few moments.  Though, I suppose it’s also possible that they misnumbered their episodes and never thought to go back and check to make sure they were done properly.

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2364: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty, Part Three

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, patrons, welcome back!  We’re finally going to finish off chapter twenty this week which means I’ll get to take some time to palate cleanse with some juicy one-shots.  But until then, Crunchy, hit us with that recap action!

“Top Ramen Instant Noodles, the only reward your little hero needs.  Ever.  Try our new Mushroom Orientation flavor!”

Excellent, let’s see what we’ve got this week.

Ashei awoke to the sound of a nearby shower and the absence of a person that had been sleeping next to her throughout the night.  She blinked multiple times to clear the sleep from her eyes as she lay on her back, staring at the ceiling.

“Why do the Zora have showers?”

How else are they supposed to rinse off after a swim?

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2360: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

And we’re back!  Two more chunks of this chapter to go and then I can spend a few weeks pallet cleansing with one-shots.  But until then, we’ve got some work to do.  Crunchy?

“Hmm?  Oh, apologies, I was just distracted by this article in the Zora Gazette.  According to this, a new class-action suit has been filed against WaterBnB Inc regarding unclear, misleading, and falsified occupancy and bed count information in their reservation system.  If successful, claimants would be compensated one pro-rated heroic feat per reservation.”

Huh, well I guess we don’t really need an unhelpful recap.  Let’s jump back into the highschool romance already in progress.

“Must we?”

Well, it’s what we’re here for.

Link nodded, suddenly hearing the click of the door lock behind him, and he stilled at the knowledge that he was sharing a room with Ashei.

Speaking of… where was…?

“What do you want to eat?” Came a voice off to the left of him.

Gah!  Shit, not only does this room not have enough beds, but it’s got a disembodied voice too!?

“Some have been know to pay extra for haunted lodgings.”

‘Some’ are bad with money.

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2354: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty, Part One

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Whew, here we are, the last chapter before my one-shot break.  And this chapter is certainly going to be something.  And by something, I mean a whole lotta nothing.

But first, recap!

“Affectionate tentacle beast looks for love in all the wrong places.”

Perfect.  Onwards to… whatever the hell this chapter is.  Well, after she’s done disclaiming and gushing at us in another author’s note.

Disclaimer: I’d make some sort of joke here, but I’ve run out of them. I don’t own any of this (except the plot and a few characters).

“Is she suggesting that the previous disclaimers were supposed to be funny?”

Well, she’s implying that they were supposed to be jokes.  Maybe they’re the kind of jokes that are supposed to be more sad than funny.

Also, Vikki, in order to own the plot you would have needed to create your own.

Yay, I’m back!

Yaaaaaaaaay.  *Twirls finger*

Sorry it took so long, I just had people (family mostly) requesting that I draw a bunch of things, and so that took time away from this.

We don’t care.

But, since this is now up I’m finally back in business, and so now it’s time to get a move on through some more character development and (hopefully) the Bottom of the Well!

Spoiler:  Her pacing is so slow she doesn’t make it to the side-quest.

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2348: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Nineteen, Part Four

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons!  Sorry about missing last Wednesday, unforeseen emergency tied me up most of the week.  Anyway, since it’s been a bit, I think it’s time for a recap!

“Hugging and then dungeon crawling.”

Yup, that brings it all back.  Anyway, we start off this week right in the middle of Vikki’s typical chapter acceleration.

The next room had several currents running in opposite directions, vortexes placed in various spots around the currents, and the occasional boulder that would sometimes pass through the water that didn’t seem phased by much. There were Tektites at the end of the room, and as usual the walls and floor were covered in shimmering blue stone.

I mean, water isn’t often phased by rock; usually the sun does that.

“Walk or swim?” Anakin asked quietly while Ashei was picking off the Tektites with her bow. “Do either at your own peril,” Obi-Wan muttered, “They’re both equally dangerous here. Just whatever you do, avoid the vortexes.”

“They are both equally dangerous?  Let us tally the hazards of either and compare.  The water has boulders and vortexes while the not-water has dead tektite remains.”

You could trip over a stray tektite leg and give yourself such a bruise!

“Swim it is, then.”

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