*SC and Revenant SC wander into the riffing chamber; SC is hobbling along on crutches, and Revenant SC is
trying not trying at all to avoid laughing*
Revenant SC: Say what you will about us Revenants, at least I don’t have to worry about breaking my leg. All I’d have to do is disperse myself, and oh, look! Leg’s all better!
Fuck you, it’s not broken, it was a dislocated kneecap that got put back in and now I just have to play gentle with it for six weeks.
Revenant SC: And yet they put you in a cast?
Knee immobilizer, thank you kindly. And I only have to wear it when my knee starts to hurt, otherwise I can take the thing off and put some weight on this leg for a little bit of time per day.
Revenant SC: So tell me again how you hurt yourself coming down from a stepladder?
You think I won’t kill you just because you’re a Revenant, but motherfucker, I know where the BOR parasite keeping you alive is.
*SC finally makes it to the computer, and with all the elegance of a dancer, he swings his bad leg up in the air, letting his foot rest on the desk, and flops mightily into the seat, his crutches clattering to the floor*
…Fuck. Could you pick those up for me?
Revenant SC: Sure thing, S-Cripple.
I will fucking end you.
Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, and yes, I know this is yet another new riff on top of the two I already have going (FNG is just slowly decaying into a skeleton, the poor thing), but I need to break up Athame’s Light with something, man, and with Crimson Whirlwind showing no signs of updating again anytime soon, I needed to dig around for something else.
I thankfully didn’t have to dig too deep – I’ve been playing the hell out of Code Vein recently, and one look at the Code Vein section of fanfiction.net shows me that:
A. There’s not a lot of fanfiction for it
B. What fanfiction there is is pretty damn bad
So all I really had to do was cover my eyes, point my finger randomly, and go with whichever fic I landed on.
To that end, we’ll be covering “CODE VEIN: The Queen’s Loyal King,” a five-chapter fic by author Silver the snow wolf, whose username sounds like somebody’s attempt to make an edgy OC while playing Sonic Forces. Sorry, Silver, no hate, it just does.
Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa, Specialist Daniel Mathers, and Contacts, whether he fucking likes it or not
Contacts: This is somehow more humiliating than constantly getting screwed over by Syl!
*Contacts thrashes about fruitlessly, effortlessly suspended in midair by Myrai’s biotics; Mathers chuckles as he munches on his fourth or fifth high-nutrient protein bar in a row, looking noticeably less exhausted than previously*
You had to know this was going to blow up in your face.
Contacts: This is abuse! Unlawful detainment! Police – er, Spectre, whatever – brutality!
Specialist Mathers: You hear that? The known thief is bitching about legalities.
Spectre Myrai: I know, it’s a hoot. And he’s doing it wrong, because “Spectre brutality” won’t hold up in any court of law on account of the carte blanche granted Spectres by the Council, itself.
Specialist Mathers: Where was all this bluster when he was getting hunted down for that major weapons theft, I wonder?
Spectre Myrai: Kinda didn’t give him the chance to use it, because I was in the middle of splattering his brain across the wall.
Contacts: I want a lawyer! I know my rights!
Yep, and as the closest thing to legal council you’re gonna get before the ninja legal team gets here or Bats shows up in the comments, I’d like to remind you that one of your rights is the right to remain silent, a.k.a. shut the fuck up.
*SC peeks warily in the door, then sighs heavily upon seeing multiple suspended pieces of furniture and two biotics – one an Alliance soldier, who is visibly exhausted and trembling from the exertion, the other an Asari Spectre who seems only mildly winded – poised to hurl said furniture at one another the instant one twitches wrong; by the rampant chaos in the room, this fight has been going on for some time*
Spectre Myrai: Hmm?
Stop destroying my riffing chamber. It’s been Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years since I left you two to sort your shit out.
Specialist Mathers: I don’t think you truly appreciate how much patience these Asari bitches have when it comes to one-on-one biotic duels. Boy, am I starting to appreciate it…
Spectre Myrai: Oh yeah, sometimes biotic duels on Thessia would go on for entire years if a Matriarch didn’t step in and shut everybody down. It was nuts. Which means you should really just surrender, Mathers, because my victory is all but assured.
Specialist Mathers: If I surrender for any reason, it’s because I’m probably about to faint from overexertion, not because I’m letting you win.
Where the hell are the rest of their crewmates while all this is going on…?
Title: Crimson Whirlwind
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy 13
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC and Teh Specs and also Scarlet of Mesyth, apparently
~TRIGGER WARNING: ACCIDENTAL RACISM. AT LEAST, I HOPE IT’S ACCIDENTAL.~
Hello, and welcome back to Crimson Whirlwind, by ChaosDancer12! I’m your host, SC, joined by Teh Specs, and last time, we were introduced to
Kai Clarion Kaio-what? Ow McEdgeName Burger Horn and Serah Farron, and much of the riff was spent breaking down how FF13 is a bad game and should feel bad (and yet I still took the time to buy its two sequels, “for science,” naturally), followed by us actually riffing the fic for similar reasons when we could find the time.
Funny story, this fic and Athame’s Light both updated on me. This fic updated sooner than Athame’s Light did, however, by about half a month. Doesn’t really matter, though, since I had to slog so hard through chapter two of Athame’s Light. And since chapter three appears to be more of the same (it’s the post-Eden Prime ship banter, from the looks of things – because you know, I really needed to deal with that right on top of the pre-Eden Prime ship banter, right?), I figure I’ll just get this out of the way now since it’s the shorter update of the two.
Specs: Wow, that almost sounded proactive of you.
I know, it makes me feel dirty.
[It’s okay, as of this note from Present!Me, this riff took until halfway through fucking January to finally finish, and I still haven’t started on the next chapter of Athame’s Light yet, which has now grown to something like sixteen chapters in my absence, Jesus Christ. No worries, folks, I’m still a pile of lazy trash. -Present!SC]