Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Valkyrie put the hurtin’ on some
cartel revolutionary goons, broke some more Geneva Convention articles whilst interrogating a guy, then Jack left his computer unlocked with the file he doesn’t want people seeing open for anybody to read, because, you know, that’s smart… oh yeah, and Sports Shades said a real dumb thing and now Shades is distributing punishment as she sees fit.
*Sounds of screaming and the repeated inserting of foot in ass*
*And then there were flamethrowers*
Do I think he’ll learn his lesson? No, but at least it’s entertaining in the moment.
Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we discovered an INSIDIOUS PLOT™ in Mexico, involving military corruption, drug smuggling by
cartels revolutionaries, and the heinous murder of policemen.
What is this wicked plan, you may ask?
Fuck if I know.
…BUT IT’S INSIDIOUS™.
Happy Thanksgiving, nerds, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! Yeah, I know I’m two days late on that, but my posts go up on Saturday, what can you do? I’m your host, SC, and last time, Brian got butthurt over having a job that sees him have time to himself once in a blue moon at best, Specs and Glasses got butthurt over bad maintenance of equipment, I got butthurt over the author potentially shoving Valkyrie in the middle of King’s Row, especially with the knowledge that the team was firmly anti-Omnic, and I got butthurt again about them instead being deployed to Mexico to observe activity pertaining to Los Muertos, in defiance of the Mexcian government’s ban on Overwatch activity.
So, overall, a lot of butthurt.
Oh, and speaking of Specs, I decided since he wouldn’t shut up on the radio that he may as well get in on this riff. Besides, Bifocals was getting antsy – I don’t think she’s ever been in a riff long-term before, and two chapters without being swapped was weirding her out. Besides that, I don’t think I’ve ever riffed with just Specs and Glasses before.
Specs: You also haven’t ever done a riff with Contacts and Sportsy. Or Monocle and anybody other than me.
And those riffs will probably never happen, either, because what you’re suggesting is impossible and you know it.
Hello, and welcome back to “Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit,” by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, joined by Bifocals and Glasses, and last time, we met Ed, did stealth ops badly, accidentally dialed up Mercy on the phone (but promptly hung up on her), and killed three potential informants with only top-layer investigation done to reveal the bare-bones of their mission: sneak into Overwatch facilities that are guarded by morons and swipe all their personnel data for future nefarious doings. The mission was somehow a success, and the team has now departed back to their home base to unwind.
Let’s get back to that, shall we?
Hey, people! It’s ya boi SC! No riff from me this week, because I couldn’t finish it in time, but I wanted to post something anyhow to let you know that I’m alright.
For anybody not in the know, I live in Northern California, and Northern California currently lives in hell – by which I mean, EVERYTHING’S ON FUCKING FIRE. The situation is, some freaky-ass winds knocked over trees that fell onto power lines, which started the fires nearest to me; meanwhile, a bit south of us, some fuckass arsonists went around lighting up a bunch of other fires. The result wound up being twenty-one wildfires igniting all in the same day, and it’s been absolute chaos up here ever since, trying to get them fought.
Unfortunately, I wound up having to be evacuated from my home on the first day (we got given the order to leave at about one in the morning, and you could see an ominous red glow creeping over the hill just across the way, that’s how close it was to me), so I’ve been spending about the last week waiting on pins and needles for the situation to turn around enough for me to try and get back to my normal day-to-day, hence the lack of a riff. I’m back home now, and things appear to be turning around for the better. Now, keep in mind, the situation is far from handled – even with so many resources pouring in from places as far-flung as Australia, the fire nearest to me is only 20% contained, and has already claimed over 34,000 acres of land. If the winds come back and blow the fire south, I’ll probably have to evacuate again. But, for the time being, all’s good with me, and you can trust that if I do have to fuck off to Nopetopia again, I’ll probably have enough advance warning to get out with my family and pets safely.
So, with that out of the way, I can’t just leave you guys without at least a nice picture to look at – so have some Overwatch fanart! The creator is credited in the image, proper, so go give her gallery a look if you feel so inclined.
SC’s Note: It’s since been brought to my attention that naming a team of dudes “Valkyrie” isn’t necessarily a bad choice. However, given that by the time I was told this, most of the riff had already been written, going back and editing all of my jokes now would delay this by another week, at LEAST. I kind of don’t want to do that, so I’m just gonna warn you ahead of time that the joke is made somewhat frequently in this part.
Past this, though, I’ll stop harping on about it.
Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, joined by Bifocals and Glasses (Shades got grumpy after I forced her to clean up the dropship she, well, dropped on my riffing chamber, so she didn’t want to riff this fic anymore), and last time, we met the Valkyrie squad: a team of dudes, contrary to the name, who were supposedly ex-special forces and liked to do things “old school.” Old school, according to these guys, apparently means using inferior arms and armaments that are all but guaranteed to be useless against the kinds of opponents Overwatch typically faces. Supposedly, this team was the creation of a one Strike Commander Jack Morrison, and neither Overwatch nor Blackwatch know of their existence. We took them apart sentence by sentence, because for all this author’s efforts to build these guys up as “better and cooler” than Overwatch and Blackwatch, he has almost no idea what the hell he’s on about. I suspect this pattern will continue here in part two.
And because Shades ducked out due to a sudden onset of grumpy bitch, Glasses is here to replace her.
Glasses: I haven’t done a riff in so long, I worry I may not remember how.
Oh, stop being so dramatic.
Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, joined by Shades and Bifocals, and I’m here with a new riff (yes, a new long riff on top of an ongoing long riff, I know I’m stupid, you don’t have to remind me)!
Actually, funny story… I was working on a oneshot, but that oneshot’s author turned out to be one of those people who does the exact opposite of treating their audience like goldfish: They assume the audience knows everything about the canon, and therefore explain none of it. So, suffice to say, that oneshot is going to take me a while. That and my work schedule of eight-hour closing shifts, all the time, everywhere, has seen me absolutely drained of any drive to write anything, so this is me trying to get a spark of life going – because good GOD, I’m fucking bored.
Shades: He’s saying that even with our usual shenanigans going on.
Bifocals: It must truly be bad if not even we can hold his attention.
I’ve just resorted to spraying them with a water bottle, not unlike what I do with a misbehaving Glasses. Repeat offenders get the front yard sprinkler systems, and any further misconduct is boosted to a fire hose. Monocle’s gotten to the point where I need to take a sledgehammer to a fire hydrant.
Anyhow, the riff:
This fic is called, “Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit,” by JewishPotato!
*SC smashes a plate on the floor*
Shades: …That’s Greek, mate.