Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa, Specialist Daniel Mathers, and Contacts, whether he fucking likes it or not
Contacts: This is somehow more humiliating than constantly getting screwed over by Syl!
*Contacts thrashes about fruitlessly, effortlessly suspended in midair by Myrai’s biotics; Mathers chuckles as he munches on his fourth or fifth high-nutrient protein bar in a row, looking noticeably less exhausted than previously*
You had to know this was going to blow up in your face.
Contacts: This is abuse! Unlawful detainment! Police – er, Spectre, whatever – brutality!
Specialist Mathers: You hear that? The known thief is bitching about legalities.
Spectre Myrai: I know, it’s a hoot. And he’s doing it wrong, because “Spectre brutality” won’t hold up in any court of law on account of the carte blanche granted Spectres by the Council, itself.
Specialist Mathers: Where was all this bluster when he was getting hunted down for that major weapons theft, I wonder?
Spectre Myrai: Kinda didn’t give him the chance to use it, because I was in the middle of splattering his brain across the wall.
Contacts: I want a lawyer! I know my rights!
Yep, and as the closest thing to legal council you’re gonna get before the ninja legal team gets here or Bats shows up in the comments, I’d like to remind you that one of your rights is the right to remain silent, a.k.a. shut the fuck up.
*SC peeks warily in the door, then sighs heavily upon seeing multiple suspended pieces of furniture and two biotics – one an Alliance soldier, who is visibly exhausted and trembling from the exertion, the other an Asari Spectre who seems only mildly winded – poised to hurl said furniture at one another the instant one twitches wrong; by the rampant chaos in the room, this fight has been going on for some time*
Spectre Myrai: Hmm?
Stop destroying my riffing chamber. It’s been Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years since I left you two to sort your shit out.
Specialist Mathers: I don’t think you truly appreciate how much patience these Asari bitches have when it comes to one-on-one biotic duels. Boy, am I starting to appreciate it…
Spectre Myrai: Oh yeah, sometimes biotic duels on Thessia would go on for entire years if a Matriarch didn’t step in and shut everybody down. It was nuts. Which means you should really just surrender, Mathers, because my victory is all but assured.
Specialist Mathers: If I surrender for any reason, it’s because I’m probably about to faint from overexertion, not because I’m letting you win.
Where the hell are the rest of their crewmates while all this is going on…?
Title: Crimson Whirlwind
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy 13
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC and Teh Specs and also Scarlet of Mesyth, apparently
~TRIGGER WARNING: ACCIDENTAL RACISM. AT LEAST, I HOPE IT’S ACCIDENTAL.~
Hello, and welcome back to Crimson Whirlwind, by ChaosDancer12! I’m your host, SC, joined by Teh Specs, and last time, we were introduced to
Kai Clarion Kaio-what? Ow McEdgeName Burger Horn and Serah Farron, and much of the riff was spent breaking down how FF13 is a bad game and should feel bad (and yet I still took the time to buy its two sequels, “for science,” naturally), followed by us actually riffing the fic for similar reasons when we could find the time.
Funny story, this fic and Athame’s Light both updated on me. This fic updated sooner than Athame’s Light did, however, by about half a month. Doesn’t really matter, though, since I had to slog so hard through chapter two of Athame’s Light. And since chapter three appears to be more of the same (it’s the post-Eden Prime ship banter, from the looks of things – because you know, I really needed to deal with that right on top of the pre-Eden Prime ship banter, right?), I figure I’ll just get this out of the way now since it’s the shorter update of the two.
Specs: Wow, that almost sounded proactive of you.
I know, it makes me feel dirty.
[It’s okay, as of this note from Present!Me, this riff took until halfway through fucking January to finally finish, and I still haven’t started on the next chapter of Athame’s Light yet, which has now grown to something like sixteen chapters in my absence, Jesus Christ. No worries, folks, I’m still a pile of lazy trash. -Present!SC]
Spectre Myrai: *grumble*
Spectre Myrai: …Alright, fine, you weren’t making shit up about the weird porn chicks. Being sparred with, and subsequently hit on, by a lion was an… interesting experience.
And then you knocked her the fuck out.
Spectre Myrai: About the point where she started making suggestive use of the words “reach” and “flexibility” was where I finally snapped. Shades and the one who kept bouncing back and forth between adulthood and adolescence gave it a seven out of ten, which I feel is a bit harsh, considering I didn’t have much time to wind up that shot.
Shades might have docked points for not letting her keep that gun.
Spectre Myrai: It was stolen property, and she used to be a cop, she should fucking know better.
Hello, and welcome back to “Athame’s Light,” by Legionary Prime! I’m your host, SC, joined by Spectre Myrai, and last time, not a whole lot in the way of the story happened – it was just Udina, Anderson and Hackett talking about who to choose for humanity’s first Spectre. So naturally, they throw their bid in on one actual human, and the human-born Asari, in an incredible display of missing the point of a human Spectre. Not to mention, both their candidates come from the same family lineage, with the reasoning behind their selection ultimately boiling down to, “their parents are famous, and one’s a human-born Asari, so we gotta.” Sure, there was a token mention of actual merits, but those were glossed over. Meanwhile, lacking for stuff to say, I quizzed Myrai on her pre-Spectre and post-Reaper War days, just to liven up the atmosphere.
I’ll probably be doing that again, as we progress into the second half of chapter two, today. Or maybe not, as this is where we finally meet Asari!Shep, who the fic has so far been building up as somebody important enough to override the major political stepping stone that appointing a human to the Spectres was meant to be for humanity in the first game.
For real, I’m fine with a non-human hero of Mass Effect, but that kind of necessitates building your own plot rather than going by the one laid out in the games, as the way human Shepard got things done is something only human Shepard could reasonably do. Not for lack, or abundance of ability in any particular areas, but because there are just some situations in the games where anybody other than a human Shepard would be fucked, for one reason or another. I believe it was none other than ME-Iron-Maiden who laid it out as so: Alienkind have had too much time to grow complacent with the way things work. Any effort to make proactive moves is quickly shot down. If humanity and our insistence on reaching for ever-greater glory hadn’t come along, the Reapers would have steamrolled the galaxy, because nobody would be in any condition to fight back due to sheer laziness. Hell, this goes straight down to Shepard’s own teammates: Without Shepard to intervene and ask the hard questions they didn’t want to hear, Wrex, Tali, Garrus, and every other alien Shepard worked with would have been content to just go about their day-to-day, until they all wound up dead, I assume, because all of Shepard’s squadmates have a really bad habit of making poor life choices that inevitably lead them to major conflicts. I suspect Legionary Prime knows this to some degree, as their main protagonists are an Asari and a human.
Spectre Myrai: And so, to counter that, they’re being riffed by an Asari and a human.
Hello, and welcome back to “Athame’s Light,” by Legionary Prime! I’m your host, SC, joined by Spectre Myrai, and last time, Myrai’s ship exploded, which sucked, because now I have to bribe Bifocals to build her a new one – which DOES NOT run the risk of killing her horrifically, so that’s extra bribery right there – but meanwhile, we got to read the thrilling adventures of the Asari meeting pre-uplift humanity, fighting Batarians, and the birth of Asari!Shep, who is the direct result of an unholy union between Councilor Tevos and Dad!Shep. There’s also Cousin!Shep, who’s the daughter of Hannah!Shep, and apparently she’ll have a somewhat leading role in this fic alongside Asari!Shep, so that’s just swell. Then the author got bored of actually showing things and instead resorted to a timeline crawl up to the point of the Eden Prime mission.
Spectre Myrai: Can I interrupt you for a minute, and say that it worries me that you have to bribe your resident engineer to not do a shitty job?
Spectre Myrai: Why’re you laughing?
Bifocals isn’t an engineer.
Spectre Myrai: Then, what is she?
Very probably the reason that the Reapers exist.
Spectre Myrai: …You know what, I’ll just mail order a new ship from some sleazy Volus, at least all they demand are credits.
I’m actually shocked you had time to show up for this.
Spectre Myrai: I’m on standby until the Council is done sifting through the paperwork from my last mission, so I figured I’d swing by. Me, on the other hand, I’m surprised you invited me back, after what happened.
Why? I didn’t want the damn guns in the first place, that was a burden that was quite literally thrown into my arms. I don’t have a beef with you for it.
Spectre Myrai: Yeah, but your friend-
Contacts is not my friend. In fact, I’m pretty sure Contacts is nobody’s friend.
Spectre Myrai: I see.
In any event, I figured, since this fic has a lot to do with Asari, that it only made sense to let you sit in on the riff. Show of good faith and all that.
Spectre Myrai: Don’t these riffs have a tendency to go badly?
Yeah, but not always, some are just fun.
Spectre Myrai: So this isn’t a spite-driven thing?
Spectre Myrai: Well, what’s the fic?
*SC gestures to his computer screen*
The Asari encountered the Humans many years before the Turians did. This will drastically change the mass effect timeline, including one big one, Shepard is born an Asari as a result of a pairing between an Asari survivor and a famous Human War Hero. Join Athena T’Sarr/Shepard as she struggles to prove herself to both the Alliance, Asari and the galaxy as a whole
Spectre Myrai: …Are you really still that sore about the guns?
No, I told you, this isn’t me being spiteful.
Spectre Myrai: Then why-?
Because Contacts chose the fic. And he is spiteful.
SC’s Note: Any instance of gender pronouns being capitalized is not random, nor is it a grammatical error on my end. It’s actually fairly common, when discussing gods, to capitalize their respective pronouns as a show of reverence.
Also, friendly reminder, and text you see highlighted like this, mouse over to see the hidden text. Does not work on mobile.
Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, still trying to get myself back to my old riffing self again, and as such, we have a new oneshot we’ll be tackling this week!
Well… I say oneshot, but it’s technically two chapters. Except that the first chapter is literally a paragraph long and serves only as a means of setting the scene for the rest of the fic, if the author ever cares to continue on with it (it was posted on the seventh and updated a day later, so there’s a high likelihood that it’ll update again after this riff), so it’s really not a “chapter” at all.
Also, I brought this idiot with me.
Yeah, I’m back to babysitting these dipshits again, and given that somebody thought it was cool to let them use military hardware (not naming names or anything, Minh’s cousin), I’ve now come to the conclusion that the next time I need to dump them off on somebody else, they’re going to Scarlet.
Scarlet, out in the hall: Don’t you place that evil upon me, sir!
At least you’ll make sure they behave!
Scarlet, out in the hall: Yes! By killing them! Repeatedly! I am a bad parenting figure, why don’t you understand this?!
Specs: Also, it’s kind of really rude of you to leave me to be “babysat” by the man who beheaded me at the height of my prime, not gonna lie.