2519: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to a whole new year of Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, Councilor Tevos T’sael and that Sborn Eistan jackass yelled at Councilor Sparatus a bunch for having the nerve to intervene in another quarian mass-murdering rampage with the goal of rescuing some batarians (and also for accidentally bombing New York, because absolutely everyone is really hung up on that one incident for some reason). They threatened to kick the turians off of the Council if Sparatus didn’t order an unconditional retreat even though, with everyone freaking out about New York, the turians had just seized the initiative and had the best chance they were probably ever gonna get to turn this whole thing around.

Also some soldiers talked about a dead baby a bunch, which was pretty pointless.

first_war_bb_9

Read the rest of this entry »


2514: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

-WARNING(?)-
Today’s riff touches on issues relating to the regulation and use of weapons of mass destruction. This is partially a fairly standard flamebait warning because I am aware the topic could become contentious (see Call of Duty, Black Hell Ops, previously), but is also somewhat unusual in that I am willing to discuss the topic in more detail in the comments- there just wasn’t room, or relevancy for it in the riff proper.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turians finally got their bony asses in gear and bombed New York, by firing at some kind of human ship in orbit and missing. This resulted in the usual screeching from the OUTRAAAAGE!!!! Society, and… that was about it.

Oh yeah, and then, like literally tens of thousands of those dreadful SPARTAN knockoffs finally arrived. I can only imagine the cerulean carnage they‘re going to wreak on the unfortunate turians, assuming they ever actually get around to landing.

first_war_bb_9

Read the rest of this entry »


2408: Love and War – Chapter 4

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Hey there, fellow patrons, and welcome back to “Love and War”! Last time, Dawn and Ash had one last horse race the night before her wedding day, which got derailed when Paul stabbed her maid and almost killed her before the actual ceremony in a seriously misguided attempt to gain control of Sinnoh. Fortunately for everyone, Ash busted out some decent (but still boringly-written) sword fighting skills and kept him from finishing the job.

So in this chapter, Ash and/or Dawn take the next logical step of informing Their Majesties that her fiancé is currently facedown outside the stables and almost killed both of them, so they can cancel the alliance/wedding and proceed with whatever steps necessary to charge a visiting royal with murder and conspiracy to overthrow the king.

Hahaha, no, that would take actual decent plotting. This is the moment alluded to in the summary where she and Ash go on the run, however. With the cliché counter at unlucky thirteen and still no sight of any honest-to-Arceus Pokémon anywhere around here, let’s get back to it.

And thanks to the comments section for continuing to get up to its usual “wait a minute, that would never work this way in real life” action. You’re gonna have plenty of material this time around, I can promise you that.

*reluctantly sits in riffing chair*

Chapter 4

Z3R0 L0V3 – Here’s another chapter! Happy Reading!

I don’t own anything!

And thank the Creation Trio for that.

Read the rest of this entry »


2372: Love and War – Chapter 3

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Welcome back to “Love and War,” everyone! I’m your guest host, eatpraylove, and last chapter a whole bunch of stuff happened in a very poorly defined amount of time. More specifically, Princess Dawn got chewed out by her parents for having a friend on the castle staff (that being Ash the stableboy), they held a surprisingly belated welcome party for Prince Paul, I paid the Library ten imaginary dollars, and the cliché counter hit double digits and its first side orders of “why”!

Oh, and she’s supposed to marry Paul in a week (thanks to TacoMagic for confirming that a week is indeed way too short for medieval political marriages) and we still have no idea why this is even happening.

*sigh*

Well, the only way out is forward, as some smart guy once said. So let’s get back to it.

Cliché counter: Eleven with a double dose of “why”.

*flops into comfy riffing chair*

Read the rest of this entry »


2346: Love and War – Chapter 2

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Welcome back to “Love and War,” fellow patrons. Last chapter, we met our protagonist, Princess Dawn of Sinnoh, and her intended, Prince Paul of Hoenn (rather than of Veilstone for some reason). We also met the author’s primary flaws as, well, an author: Terse paragraphs, a total lack of background description, punctuation errors I didn’t waste time pointing out, and a helping of clichés just for good measure.

(I’m still scratching my head over the visible lack of any actual Pokémon in this AU.)

We also got treated to an equally daybook (thanks to BatJamags for reminding me what that’s called in the comments section) but far more dramatic ending that hinted at a larger plot than just relationship drama! Let’s see where it goes from here. And before I forget, the cliché counter is currently at five.

*sits back down in riffing chair*

*sips tea* Ahhhh. Tea makes everything more bearable.

Read the rest of this entry »


2165: Fight For Freedom — Oneshot

Title: Fight For Freedom
Author: Shadowflameking
Media: Cartoon / Video Game
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic / Fallout
Genre: Sci-Fi, Tragedy, and ‘Random’
URL: Fight For Freedom

*It’s a quiet morning at RIFFCON; absent the Admiral and his retinue of highly trained soldiers snarkers, the audible hum of computer equipment softly fills the room. That is, until a bearded, bespectacled human in a jumpsuit makes his way inside, pushing a mop bucket. He sits down at the vacant console an-*

Alright, that’s enough of that. Morning, y’all, I’m Serketry, one of Admiral Sakai’s staff. Sorry, no aliens this time, just me. While technically my list of duties includes I.T. support, squad-based tactics, and all things Homestuck, MLP, and Fallout, most of my assignments have been more… janitorial. Which means I’m here to start mucking out the Orphanage. This here’s my first riff all by my lonesome, so I’m gonna start with something that gives me the home field advantage…

Fight For Freedom, by Shadowflameking, featuring Gore, Violence, and Death.

fight_for_freedom_fimfiction_header.png

How thoughtful of you, fimfiction, to just lay it all out like that. This isn’t the first MLP/Fallout crossover travesty this site’s seen, and with what’s still in the Orphanage, it won’t be the last. It’s either this or keep mopping the floors, and, between you and me, I’d rather riff a dozen shitty MLP fics than clean up after Guard-Novitiate Nina. *shudders*

Welp, time to go to work.

Read the rest of this entry »


1926: better season 5 end — Part 5

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3, who may or may not be Dakari King Mykan, and/or Caliborn from Homestuck
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end‘s… umm… end.

Last time Starlight Glimmer, freshly minted as N I G H T M A R E M O O N’s new apprentice, payed a visit to Twitlight Sparkle in her cell and got really torn up about ripping the DUMMENSHINAL TRAVIL scroll in half even though N I G H T M A R E M O O N was actively assisting her in making a replacement for it. Twitlight responded to this by angsting, dreaming about the Element Bearers and thereby giving away their location to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, angsting some more, and then finally angsting. That… was literally about it. We just left off as she was being led out of her cell by a N I G H T M A R E Guard, through the improbably-nearby town of Ponyville, and to a large platform set up in the middle of a public square which is clearly, obviously, and totally not meant for her execution.

Will Starlight Glimmer’s apprenticeship deliver her into her longed-for life of fast carriages, fast stallions, and rich, chunky revenge, or will she instantly be redeemed in the last fifth of the story for no good reason just like Mycan’t claims happened in the original show?

Will Twitlight Sparkle put into reality her vision of an inter-DUMMENSHINAL door-to-door friendship proslytization church, or will she completely dissolve into a puddle of thin, sorrowful gruel?

Will N I G H T M A R E M O O N ever actually get around to running Equestria, or will she just continue to recount the events of every episode of Season 1?

Will any of the rest of the main cast actually fucking show up in this story?

And will Mycan’t realize this was originally supposed to be a 44-minute TV-Y rated television show?
Find out on this, the final… umm… segment, I guess… of better season 5 end.

Read the rest of this entry »