2576: Love and War – Chapter 5

Title: “Love and War”
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video games
Fandom: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure and romance (additional tags: AU, Pacing Trainwreck, Fanfic in Name Only)
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by eatpraylove 

Welcome back to “Love and War”, patrons! Been a while, huh?

Last chapter, our two protagonists finally got the hell away from the Sinnoh royal palace after the worst assassination attempt ever and some boringly-written fight scenes. Amazingly, the cliché counter remained at a solid thirteen (plus some side orders of “why”) with nary an uptick to be seen.

Here’s hoping things go back to just boring rather than full-on stupid. I know it’s also stupid of me to hope that, but I’m an incurable optimist dammit.

*sits in riffing chair*

Chapter 5

Z3R0 L0V3 – I apologize for the delay in this chapter. I had a case of writer’s block. Here’s another chapter! Happy Reading! 

I don’t own anything!

You guys know you don’t really have to put disclaimers in front of your fanfic, right? Especially not in front of every single chapter.

Dawn looked down at the blade that was in her hand.

She still couldn’t wrap her head around what had happened. Paul had tried to kill her. The man her parents were going to have her marry had tried to kill her, yet they didn’t even know. 

*siren goes off*

*hits random button; sounds of screaming and gunfire from the hallway*

Thanks, Marcus!

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2567: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 1

–WARNING–
The ‘fic under review today contains political flamebait in the form of Nazis.
Like, actual literal Nazis this time, not just people who talk and act like Nazis but claim not to be Nazis, or people calling each other Nazis, or self-described neo-Nazis, but the genuine article Version One-Point-Oh. I really hope I don’t need to tell anybody why that’s bad, mmmkay?

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! I’m continuing my travels through Things In My Riffs Folder That Aren’t The First War by today taking a look at another Mass Effect alternate-humanity ‘fic that looks at The First War, giggles dementedly in its face, and asks, “why the hell are you all settling for merely crypto-fascist?”.

I actually made a joke about a ‘fic like this existing way back during the latter parts of Velocius et Fortius, but that was based on the assumption that nobody would actually be shameless enough to attempt to write it.

I assumed wrong. This is a thing that ACTUALLY EXISTS.

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2519: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to a whole new year of Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, Councilor Tevos T’sael and that Sborn Eistan jackass yelled at Councilor Sparatus a bunch for having the nerve to intervene in another quarian mass-murdering rampage with the goal of rescuing some batarians (and also for accidentally bombing New York, because absolutely everyone is really hung up on that one incident for some reason). They threatened to kick the turians off of the Council if Sparatus didn’t order an unconditional retreat even though, with everyone freaking out about New York, the turians had just seized the initiative and had the best chance they were probably ever gonna get to turn this whole thing around.

Also some soldiers talked about a dead baby a bunch, which was pretty pointless.

first_war_bb_9

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2514: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

-WARNING(?)-
Today’s riff touches on issues relating to the regulation and use of weapons of mass destruction. This is partially a fairly standard flamebait warning because I am aware the topic could become contentious (see Call of Duty, Black Hell Ops, previously), but is also somewhat unusual in that I am willing to discuss the topic in more detail in the comments- there just wasn’t room, or relevancy for it in the riff proper.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turians finally got their bony asses in gear and bombed New York, by firing at some kind of human ship in orbit and missing. This resulted in the usual screeching from the OUTRAAAAGE!!!! Society, and… that was about it.

Oh yeah, and then, like literally tens of thousands of those dreadful SPARTAN knockoffs finally arrived. I can only imagine the cerulean carnage they‘re going to wreak on the unfortunate turians, assuming they ever actually get around to landing.

first_war_bb_9

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2408: Love and War – Chapter 4

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Hey there, fellow patrons, and welcome back to “Love and War”! Last time, Dawn and Ash had one last horse race the night before her wedding day, which got derailed when Paul stabbed her maid and almost killed her before the actual ceremony in a seriously misguided attempt to gain control of Sinnoh. Fortunately for everyone, Ash busted out some decent (but still boringly-written) sword fighting skills and kept him from finishing the job.

So in this chapter, Ash and/or Dawn take the next logical step of informing Their Majesties that her fiancé is currently facedown outside the stables and almost killed both of them, so they can cancel the alliance/wedding and proceed with whatever steps necessary to charge a visiting royal with murder and conspiracy to overthrow the king.

Hahaha, no, that would take actual decent plotting. This is the moment alluded to in the summary where she and Ash go on the run, however. With the cliché counter at unlucky thirteen and still no sight of any honest-to-Arceus Pokémon anywhere around here, let’s get back to it.

And thanks to the comments section for continuing to get up to its usual “wait a minute, that would never work this way in real life” action. You’re gonna have plenty of material this time around, I can promise you that.

*reluctantly sits in riffing chair*

Chapter 4

Z3R0 L0V3 – Here’s another chapter! Happy Reading!

I don’t own anything!

And thank the Creation Trio for that.

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2372: Love and War – Chapter 3

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Welcome back to “Love and War,” everyone! I’m your guest host, eatpraylove, and last chapter a whole bunch of stuff happened in a very poorly defined amount of time. More specifically, Princess Dawn got chewed out by her parents for having a friend on the castle staff (that being Ash the stableboy), they held a surprisingly belated welcome party for Prince Paul, I paid the Library ten imaginary dollars, and the cliché counter hit double digits and its first side orders of “why”!

Oh, and she’s supposed to marry Paul in a week (thanks to TacoMagic for confirming that a week is indeed way too short for medieval political marriages) and we still have no idea why this is even happening.

*sigh*

Well, the only way out is forward, as some smart guy once said. So let’s get back to it.

Cliché counter: Eleven with a double dose of “why”.

*flops into comfy riffing chair*

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2346: Love and War – Chapter 2

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Welcome back to “Love and War,” fellow patrons. Last chapter, we met our protagonist, Princess Dawn of Sinnoh, and her intended, Prince Paul of Hoenn (rather than of Veilstone for some reason). We also met the author’s primary flaws as, well, an author: Terse paragraphs, a total lack of background description, punctuation errors I didn’t waste time pointing out, and a helping of clichés just for good measure.

(I’m still scratching my head over the visible lack of any actual Pokémon in this AU.)

We also got treated to an equally daybook (thanks to BatJamags for reminding me what that’s called in the comments section) but far more dramatic ending that hinted at a larger plot than just relationship drama! Let’s see where it goes from here. And before I forget, the cliché counter is currently at five.

*sits back down in riffing chair*

*sips tea* Ahhhh. Tea makes everything more bearable.

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