2408: Love and War – Chapter 4

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Hey there, fellow patrons, and welcome back to “Love and War”! Last time, Dawn and Ash had one last horse race the night before her wedding day, which got derailed when Paul stabbed her maid and almost killed her before the actual ceremony in a seriously misguided attempt to gain control of Sinnoh. Fortunately for everyone, Ash busted out some decent (but still boringly-written) sword fighting skills and kept him from finishing the job.

So in this chapter, Ash and/or Dawn take the next logical step of informing Their Majesties that her fiancé is currently facedown outside the stables and almost killed both of them, so they can cancel the alliance/wedding and proceed with whatever steps necessary to charge a visiting royal with murder and conspiracy to overthrow the king.

Hahaha, no, that would take actual decent plotting. This is the moment alluded to in the summary where she and Ash go on the run, however. With the cliché counter at unlucky thirteen and still no sight of any honest-to-Arceus Pokémon anywhere around here, let’s get back to it.

And thanks to the comments section for continuing to get up to its usual “wait a minute, that would never work this way in real life” action. You’re gonna have plenty of material this time around, I can promise you that.

*reluctantly sits in riffing chair*

Chapter 4

Z3R0 L0V3 – Here’s another chapter! Happy Reading!

I don’t own anything!

And thank the Creation Trio for that.

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2372: Love and War – Chapter 3

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Welcome back to “Love and War,” everyone! I’m your guest host, eatpraylove, and last chapter a whole bunch of stuff happened in a very poorly defined amount of time. More specifically, Princess Dawn got chewed out by her parents for having a friend on the castle staff (that being Ash the stableboy), they held a surprisingly belated welcome party for Prince Paul, I paid the Library ten imaginary dollars, and the cliché counter hit double digits and its first side orders of “why”!

Oh, and she’s supposed to marry Paul in a week (thanks to TacoMagic for confirming that a week is indeed way too short for medieval political marriages) and we still have no idea why this is even happening.

*sigh*

Well, the only way out is forward, as some smart guy once said. So let’s get back to it.

Cliché counter: Eleven with a double dose of “why”.

*flops into comfy riffing chair*

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2346: Love and War – Chapter 2

Title: Love and War
Author: Z3R0 L0V3
Media: Video Game
Topic: Pokémon
Genre: Adventure / Romance
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by eatpraylove

Welcome back to “Love and War,” fellow patrons. Last chapter, we met our protagonist, Princess Dawn of Sinnoh, and her intended, Prince Paul of Hoenn (rather than of Veilstone for some reason). We also met the author’s primary flaws as, well, an author: Terse paragraphs, a total lack of background description, punctuation errors I didn’t waste time pointing out, and a helping of clichés just for good measure.

(I’m still scratching my head over the visible lack of any actual Pokémon in this AU.)

We also got treated to an equally daybook (thanks to BatJamags for reminding me what that’s called in the comments section) but far more dramatic ending that hinted at a larger plot than just relationship drama! Let’s see where it goes from here. And before I forget, the cliché counter is currently at five.

*sits back down in riffing chair*

*sips tea* Ahhhh. Tea makes everything more bearable.

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2165: Fight For Freedom — Oneshot

Title: Fight For Freedom
Author: Shadowflameking
Media: Cartoon / Video Game
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic / Fallout
Genre: Sci-Fi, Tragedy, and ‘Random’
URL: Fight For Freedom

*It’s a quiet morning at RIFFCON; absent the Admiral and his retinue of highly trained soldiers snarkers, the audible hum of computer equipment softly fills the room. That is, until a bearded, bespectacled human in a jumpsuit makes his way inside, pushing a mop bucket. He sits down at the vacant console an-*

Alright, that’s enough of that. Morning, y’all, I’m Serketry, one of Admiral Sakai’s staff. Sorry, no aliens this time, just me. While technically my list of duties includes I.T. support, squad-based tactics, and all things Homestuck, MLP, and Fallout, most of my assignments have been more… janitorial. Which means I’m here to start mucking out the Orphanage. This here’s my first riff all by my lonesome, so I’m gonna start with something that gives me the home field advantage…

Fight For Freedom, by Shadowflameking, featuring Gore, Violence, and Death.

fight_for_freedom_fimfiction_header.png

How thoughtful of you, fimfiction, to just lay it all out like that. This isn’t the first MLP/Fallout crossover travesty this site’s seen, and with what’s still in the Orphanage, it won’t be the last. It’s either this or keep mopping the floors, and, between you and me, I’d rather riff a dozen shitty MLP fics than clean up after Guard-Novitiate Nina. *shudders*

Welp, time to go to work.

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1926: better season 5 end — Part 5

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3, who may or may not be Dakari King Mykan, and/or Caliborn from Homestuck
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end‘s… umm… end.

Last time Starlight Glimmer, freshly minted as N I G H T M A R E M O O N’s new apprentice, payed a visit to Twitlight Sparkle in her cell and got really torn up about ripping the DUMMENSHINAL TRAVIL scroll in half even though N I G H T M A R E M O O N was actively assisting her in making a replacement for it. Twitlight responded to this by angsting, dreaming about the Element Bearers and thereby giving away their location to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, angsting some more, and then finally angsting. That… was literally about it. We just left off as she was being led out of her cell by a N I G H T M A R E Guard, through the improbably-nearby town of Ponyville, and to a large platform set up in the middle of a public square which is clearly, obviously, and totally not meant for her execution.

Will Starlight Glimmer’s apprenticeship deliver her into her longed-for life of fast carriages, fast stallions, and rich, chunky revenge, or will she instantly be redeemed in the last fifth of the story for no good reason just like Mycan’t claims happened in the original show?

Will Twitlight Sparkle put into reality her vision of an inter-DUMMENSHINAL door-to-door friendship proslytization church, or will she completely dissolve into a puddle of thin, sorrowful gruel?

Will N I G H T M A R E M O O N ever actually get around to running Equestria, or will she just continue to recount the events of every episode of Season 1?

Will any of the rest of the main cast actually fucking show up in this story?

And will Mycan’t realize this was originally supposed to be a 44-minute TV-Y rated television show?
Find out on this, the final… umm… segment, I guess… of better season 5 end.

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1921: better season 5 end — Part 4

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Cutie Remark as told by Dakari King Mycan’t!

Glad to be back.

Last time… well, not a whole lot actually happened other than Twitlight and Starlight being locked in a cell together so that the former could evangelize to the latter about The Power of Friendship (and also the events of most of the pilot episode of the show for some reason).

And then for fairly obvious reasons Starlight decided it was better serve in heaven than rule in rich, chunky exposition hell-

-and decided to sell out Twitlight to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, seeing as Twitlight’s strategy of building up a rapport with the other unicorn by being really fucking annoying all the time was going nowhere. We just left off as M O O N and Starlight (good GOD that sounds like a ship-name) were headed off to the remnants of the Canterlot Library so that Starlight could show her new mentor how the dimension-hopping scroll she found works.

Wait, doesn’t N I G H T M A R E M O O N have the dimension-hopping scroll from her home dimension? Why doesn’t that work? I mean sure, it’s in code, but Starlight wrote the code and can translate it back.

If this was a better ‘fic I’d say it was because Starlight was faking her betrayal in order to lead N I G H T M A R E M O O N away from the castle and give Twitlight a chance to grab either the original encrypted copy or the Elements of Harmony, but thanks to {THE ENDLESS INTERNAL MONOLOGING EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER DOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME} we know that nothing so clever is actually being attempted and Starlight is completely on the level (and also seems to have a bat-pony fetish for some reason, if her sudden display of romantic interest in the guards pulling their carriage is any indication).

Huh! Knowing a pony’s inner thoughts makes them seem less intelligent. How ‘about that?

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1915: better season 5 end — Part 3

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end, Dakari King Mycan’t’s attempt to strip out everything that was actually impressive or visually interesting about the Season 5 finale of My Little Pony.

Last time, Twitlight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer spent way, way, way too much time doddling around what turned out to be an alternate Equestria ruled by N I G H T M A R E M O O N, queen of evil laughter, sneering at each other and failing to figure out where they were or what was going on. Then some Lunar Guards (N I G H T M A R E Guards?) showed up and made off with the scroll that was their only ticket home, and the two timeDUMMENSHIN travelers promptly followed them right to her castle. N I G H T M A R E M O O N kicked their asses, confiscated the scroll, and locked them in the kinky bondage dungeon… but not without first filling up another scene or two with even more explanation of THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW.

We’re three parts into this, and something just hit me: Mycan’t never told us his mission statement. We know he wants to improve the script, but he never told us how. What was wrong with the original that needed correcting? We’ve been inferring that he wanted a less powerful Starlight, more talky bits up front, more N I G H T M A R E M O O N and evidently much less of the other timelines-

-like, none

– but, again, those are only guesses. We have no idea what the author wants to tell us, and that’s one of the most fundamental flaws in literature a writer can ever make.

I mean, he has a blog, but it’s all just ranty lectures about time travel and multiverse theory interrupted by a section on Undertale for some odd reason.

Ohhhh, I know what he wants to tell us:

Rich, chunky exposition.

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