1253: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Three

Title: Everybody Likes Chocolate
Author: nutin-but-JD
Media:  Book / Movie
Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Genre: Romance
Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle and Koori


Koori: Yes, ma’am?

I can’t help but notice that you found us a fic that has twenty-three chapters.  Are you really prepared for the long haul?

Koori:  Absolutely.  I have ordered twenty pounds of loose-leaf oolong and bought you a new mug.  *passes the mug to Lyle*


You just earned yourself a raise.

Koori:  But you don’t pay me.

I’ll take a week off your honey badger duty, then.

Anyway, let’s get started today, shall we?  Last time on “Everybody Likes Chocolate,” our feline protagonist met Willy Wonka, who proceeded to make light of homelessness and then decided to lead the kitty to [location] that may or may not be Jesus.

Koori:  It’s really quite amazing how little happens in each chapter, isn’t it?

It’s like EP’s love life.

Koori:  A total lack of action?


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1252: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter One

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect  (Wait… what?! – Lyle)
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by agigabyte


*It hits, causing severe damage to the GNS Archon*

agig: Shit, infirmary, be prepared for a lot of injured. And somebody get that fire out!

Dakota: *Puts down his datapad and stands up* Gunnery, arm Snerkannons, engineering, prepare SDQF deterrents, security, prepare for DRD boarders.

agig: Without further ado, fire all weapons on the trollfic!

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1251: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Nine, Part Three

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued at the expense of Alexander Killian by SC, Shades, and William

Alex: You let the evil bitch in?! Why would you do that?!

Shades: Keep mouthing off like that and this evil bitch might just stuff lead in your eye sockets.

*Alex whimpers fearfully*

Realistically, I could bring any member of the Specs and Co. in and have you cowering in terror like you are right now. But Shades has guns and a hair-trigger temper, and that makes it funnier to bring her in.

Alex: Why do you hate me?!

That’s a rhetorical question, right?

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1250: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 8


Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by Ghostcat





Greetings, my darling Patrons! And a very happy Black Friday to all the Americans among our Patronage; if you work retail, then you have my sympathies.

I’m back with another chapter of this steaming pile of fail, but fortunately it is an extremely short chapter – roughly half the length of most of the others. We’ve passed the shark-jump point; there is a very noticeable shift in quality and the chapters become even more rushed and incoherent. It is as if the author just wanted to finish them as quickly as possible. I don’t blame her, but it does make for a challenging read.

What happened in the last chapter? There was some singing, rape was revealed in the most half-assed way possible, and someone (possibly Daddy Dumbass) grabbed Kyo-Sue in the hallway and made her say the wrong inappropriate Japanese word. This slight rough-housing caused Kyo-Sue’s wounds, which should already be healed, to open and gush blood, making her pass out. She wakes in the hospital to the news that Daddy Dumbass has been arrested for crimes that he really shouldn’t have been arrested for because there is no evidence of them, but whatever. Given the bipolar nature of this fic, now that the serious matters have been dealt with it will likely swing back up into giddy wish-fulfillment.

XOXOOXOXOXOX You know the drill and if you don’t look at some of the chapter’s before thisXOXOXOXOXOXOX


Shirigaomoi zusan.* Could you get any lazier, author? No, don’t tell me; the answer’s “yes”, isn’t it? It always is.

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1249: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken – Chapter Five

Title: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken
Author: MaesterDimentio
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck and Crunchy Raptor

Hello ladies and gentlemen! I’m Herr Wozzeck, and—

Crunchy: And already, I have the feeling this introduction has gone on too long.

Oh, right. As you may notice, Crunchy is with us this time. It’s been rather a while since you last showed up in a snarking, hasn’t it?

C: I suppose it has. I miss seeing you monkeys when you scream about bad fanfiction. Though, I must say, it surprises me you picked up one of SC’s leftovers.

Hey, you can’t complain with results, right? And besides, we’ve got a lot to do with this thing!

C: I suppose. It cannot be any worse than anything Swenia has read recently, at any rate, and it is certainly far better than…

*cringes* Crunchy, please do not bring that up. I would rather we never spoke of that fic again.

C: I cannot blame you for that. Well, let us get on with this, shall we?


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1248: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit – Chapter Thirty-One Part Two

Title: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Author: PhoenixofShadows
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Dragoon
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
URL: The Legend of Dragoon: The Eighth Spirit
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

“So, how was the trip?”

Not great.  The standard gambit of fall illness you get as a parent really put a crimp on the mini-vacation.

“And then you get to come home to another day of this fic.”

I was trying not to think about that.

“So what happened last time?  Glad you asked!”

But I didn-

“Last time there was much mayhem in the castle!  Well, at least that’s what the chapter title told us was going on, which I assume was taking place in a different part of the castle.  What we actually got to see was our nefarious character blob bully some bandits-turned-knights who were doing a pretty good job.  After being defeated by these knights, the group snuck into the castle in order to fetch themselves a princess.  Because she’s apparently way more useful at getting past the guards than they are.  Which, actually, does indeed prove to be the case as she handily browbeats a gaggle of guard into submission, allowing the blob to break into Princess Emille’s room.  We leave off with the group staring at a ransacked, yet untouched room.”

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1247: Trapped- Chapters 8 & 9

Title: Trapped
Author: This Fuck (EP)
Media: Video Games
Topic: Warhammer 40,000 (40k)
Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi (Porn really)
URL:  Chapters 8 & 9
Critiqued by Erttheking. 


Ert: Well here we go. This is all EP currently has up for the wet shit he’s calling a story.  Also he called chapter 8, chapter 7.  So he can’t fucking count either.

In the conference room almost all leaders of the fireteams, engineering and crew where inside. Like always Selena was at the head,

Nora: Considering that Selena keeps letting Prick do important things, it seems she isn’t at the head in the figurative way and is only at the head in the literal innuendo way.

Chris joined in to add his opinion on things.

Goeth: “Fire hot!”

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