1250: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 8

 

Title: Tomorrow Is Always Better
Author: LaRae and Ninjas Incorporated
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Ouran High School Host Club
Genre:  Romance/Hurt/Comfort
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Greetings, my darling Patrons! And a very happy Black Friday to all the Americans among our Patronage; if you work retail, then you have my sympathies.

I’m back with another chapter of this steaming pile of fail, but fortunately it is an extremely short chapter – roughly half the length of most of the others. We’ve passed the shark-jump point; there is a very noticeable shift in quality and the chapters become even more rushed and incoherent. It is as if the author just wanted to finish them as quickly as possible. I don’t blame her, but it does make for a challenging read.

What happened in the last chapter? There was some singing, rape was revealed in the most half-assed way possible, and someone (possibly Daddy Dumbass) grabbed Kyo-Sue in the hallway and made her say the wrong inappropriate Japanese word. This slight rough-housing caused Kyo-Sue’s wounds, which should already be healed, to open and gush blood, making her pass out. She wakes in the hospital to the news that Daddy Dumbass has been arrested for crimes that he really shouldn’t have been arrested for because there is no evidence of them, but whatever. Given the bipolar nature of this fic, now that the serious matters have been dealt with it will likely swing back up into giddy wish-fulfillment.

XOXOOXOXOXOX You know the drill and if you don’t look at some of the chapter’s before thisXOXOXOXOXOXOX

:headdesk:

Shirigaomoi zusan.* Could you get any lazier, author? No, don’t tell me; the answer’s “yes”, isn’t it? It always is.

Kyoya: she doesn’t own OHSHC….

Me: Dat I don’t but I so wish I did

Kyoya: this is stupid ‘leaves’

Take me with you, senpai!

A character who finally gets fed up with the author’s shit and leaves? If he wasn’t already one of my favorites, this would clinch it.

Lena: Guess what Hikaru likes me….

Me: told you so…

Really? There was a single instance of Hikaru flirting with Random Friend Lena at a time when it was his job to flirt with girls which led to the girl asking Kyo-Sue if she thought the boy liked her, and that has been it.

Lena: yep yep yep

Me: who gave her chocolate?

You immediately assume she’s hyper from sugar just because she’s enthusiastic about a boy?

Dude, have you never had a crush on anyone?

Chapter 8: According to you…

I’m going to assume that “you” is Kyo-Sue, since she’s the only character whose opinion matters in the slightest.

It’s almost been a full year since I came to Japan, and in the last couple of months I’ve noticed some changes, Like the twins opening up to Lena, Kisa falling for Kaoru it was so sweet I mean really… Awwwww.

:headdesk:

Do you see what I mean by rushed? The author’s daybooking her way through character development.

So like any other day I was walking down the halls of Ouran to the host club room to help my Stud muffin with work,

Your what?

I walk into the Music room and problems have already began.

:eye-twitch:

What tense are you shooting for? Because you’ve missed.

Tamaki’s being an idiot, when I see someone open the door, the Host Club Coursed welcome and my worst nightmare is realized, he’s back.

I’m halfway hoping it’s Freddy or Jason, but most likely it is Daddy Dumbass with a slight chance it’s Cody.

Lena POV

:kicks desk repeatedly:

No, God no, not him this couldn’t be any worse, I look at Kyoko she’s has this look of horror on her face. damn it where’s Coal when you need him, oh that’s right back in America shit….

:headdesk:

The narration jumps out of Kyo-Sue’s head and into Random Friend Lena so that she can describe how scared Kyo-Sue looks. This is just so back-asswards. One of the good things about first-person perspective is that it gives the audience a chance to experience the character’s emotions first hand, but instead you’ve gone out of your way to avoid that! What the hell, dude?

Kyoko POV.

:starts kicking desk, then stops:

Wait a second… The only reason the perspective changed was to describe how scared Kyo-Sue looked?

That … It… What?!?!?

“There you are you little slut.” he spits at me I jump back backing up and standing behind Kyoya

In case we couldn’t tell he’s supposed to be a bad guy from the girls’ reactions, we have the double-shot of instant hostility and verbal abuse.

:alarms blare:

Crapcakes! What do I have … Ah-ha!

:tosses several small, brightly-colored spheres into the hallway:

:SHOOMPOOFY!:

It was nice of Bifocals to make more of those weaponized glitter grenades. They’re so festive!

he looks at me with a who is this guy? kinda look.

:headdesk:

That is not how you describe facial expressions, author.

Based on the nebulous expression on Kyouya-senpai’s face, I’m going to hazard a guess that this isn’t Daddy Dumbass.

” You shouldn’t run away like that people have been looking for you,

What people? Stupid ones? She openly lives in Japan with her biological mother and has done absolutely nothing to conceal her identity. If you’ve had trouble finding her then that reflects badly on you.

yep your still a slut surrounding yourself with men all the time,

Having male friends does not make you a slut; it just means you have male friends.

you haven’t changed a bit, your still stupid and useless,

He’s got a point there; she has been largely useless.

I bet you make them fight you battles for you.” he says laughing at me.

Meh. It’s been about fifty/fifty so far. Of course, she’s been beating people up using her “kendo” skills, which are questionable at best.

“That’s enough of you bitch mouth Gale Lucks.” I hear Lena hiss and she walks over to him and slaps him across the face,

Random Friend Lena was terrified of this guy, but badmouthing her friend makes Random Friend Lena discard her faux-Tigger persona and bitch-slap him?

this guy tried raping me before my father did.

Of course he did! Because the only way to establish that someone is evil is to make them a rapist – or would-be rapist in this case.

Who is this guy in relation to Kyo-Sue? He clearly thinks very little of her, yet spent a year tracking her down and then spent several thousand dollars to travel to Japan. Why would he do that?

“I find something very wrong with you conclusion Mr. Andrews,

Who is Mr. Andrews? His name is Gale Lucks. Random Friend Lena just used it.

To be honest we all think very highly of Miss. Ootori,

For reasons that cannot be explained.

and she isn’t anything you say she is your wrong.” Kyoya says,

Except that bit about her being useless; that was spot-on.

to better translate what he is saying, he say I’m everything he says I’m not.

That is in no way a better translation. Why does it even need to be translated? You’re all speaking English.

And he doesn’t really say she’s not something; he has many erroneous ideas about what she is, but doesn’t specifically say she isn’t something.

“Kyoya before you kill him I want him to know something.”, Kisa threw me the mike, and I jump on the stage….

Wait, what? Why is Kyouya-senpai going to kill him? He just had Daddy Dumbass arrested, what has this guy done that was worse than what Daddy Dumbass did?

And there’s a stage? Why is there a stage? Where did that come from? Why did Kisa have a microphone? What is going on here?

The words came out of my mouth easily.

Crapcakes! It’s another song.

According to you
I’m stupid,
I’m useless,
I can’t do anything right.
According to you
I’m difficult,
Hard to please,
Forever changing my mind.
I’m a mess in a dress,
Can’t show up on time,
Even if it would
save my life.
According to you. According to you.

Other than saying she was stupid and useless, Gale didn’t call her any of these things.

But according to him
I’m beautiful,
Incredible,
He can’t get me out of his head.
According to him
I’m funny,
Irresistible,
Everything he ever wanted.
Everything is opposite,
I don’t feel like stopping it,
So baby tell me what I got to lose.
He’s into me for everything I’m not,
According to you.

And Kyouya-senpai didn’t say any of these things at any point in the fic. I don’t even think he likes her very much.

I’m going to cut the rest of the lyrics because they serve no purpose, it’s one of those “my ex was a dickwad but my new man worships me” type of songs. The song is According to You by Orianthi if you’re interested.

I jump off the stage and into Kyoya’s arms and for once all was right with the world.

For once? She moved to Japan a year ago, found out she was going to marry a boy she apparently loves, and her abusive father was arrested and jailed – none of that was considering “being right with the world”? It took some anonymous asshat popping out of the SDQF and saying a few unkind things, thus prompting her to sing a song, for her to be happy?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

And that’s the entire chapter; some  guy shows up, insults Kyo-Sue, and she sings a song. That is the whole chapter.

So what di you think I think it was awesome I love this song so damn much, and the meaning.

I am ninety-nine percent certain that this chapter only exists so that you could have your self-insert sing that song. And I’m not okay with that.

the next to last chapter is the last chapter,

thumb

…Bwa?

then I might do a sequel ,,,,,,

I haven’t found a sequel, but there is that short rewrite that I’ve been thinking about riffing.

Maybe depends you might have to beg…

Yeah … That’s not going to happen.

So,,,, oh sorry about the shortness of the chapter Gomen….

As we’ve repeatedly stated around the Library – a chapter is as long as it needs to be. You should not apologize for not meeting some nebulous, self-imposed word limit. That said – this chapter is very, very short, primarily because it is incredibly rushed and the bulk of the words were song lyrics. It’s also completely pointless, does nothing to advance what little plot there is, and serves only to stroke the author’s ego. You could completely remove this chapter and it would have no effect on the fic, which is usually a clue that something is wrong with your writing.

Also; sweet mercy, there are a lot of commas in this AN. Did all of the commas fall out of the fic and into the Author’s Note?

Huni: she stole it out of the cabinet…

Dammit! Now this nonsense is at the beginning AND the end?

Me: Lena!

Lena: wut ‘stuffing her face with cake’

Me you know the rules

Lena: But but but.

Me: no buts.

This whole relationship between Kyo-Sue/the author and Random Friend Lena is very odd; Kyo-Sue/the author is very domineering and controlling, treating Random Friend Lena more like a naughty pet than a friend.

Word count Dun dun dun dun…..ha ha ha ha ha ahhhhhhh ahhhhha …831

… That got weirdly orgasmic there towards the end. Kind of an unsettling note to end the chapter on.

See you next time, Patrons!

 

 

* “Zusan” (杜撰) is a new term we’re thinking of adding to our repertoire; it means an author who makes many mistakes or who uses unsupported references, someone who doesn’t do the research.

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18 Comments on “1250: Tomorrow Is Always Better – Chapter 8”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    I’m going to assume that “you” is Kyo-Sue, since she’s the only character whose opinion matters in the slightest.

    Not to me it doesn’t…

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    I jump off the stage and into Kyoya’s arms and for once all was right with the world.

    Nothing is right in this world.

  3. SC says:

    It was nice of Bifocals to make more of those weaponized glitter grenades. They’re so festive!

    *Shades, Glasses and Contacts all kick Bifocals’ lab door in simultaneously; all three are pissed and covered in glitter*

    Contacts: BI-

    Glasses: FO-

    Shades: -CALS!

    Bifocals: Eep.

  4. SC says:

    That’s enough of you bitch mouth

    I’m keeping this line, by the way.

  5. "Lyle" says:

    Nothing says badfic like a random, showbaoting, musical number. Sweet monkey testicles.

  6. TacoMagic says:

    Stud muffin

    Oh for the love of- Which one of you let Eliza into Gumdrop’s baking kitchen again!?

  7. TacoMagic says:

    :kicks desk repeatedly:

    Give it the people’s elbow!

  8. TacoMagic says:

    “Kyoya before you kill him I want him to know something.”, Kisa threw me the mike, and I jump on the stage….


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