1249: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken – Chapter Five

Title: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken
Author: MaesterDimentio
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Adventure/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck and Crunchy Raptor

Hello ladies and gentlemen! I’m Herr Wozzeck, and—

Crunchy: And already, I have the feeling this introduction has gone on too long.

Oh, right. As you may notice, Crunchy is with us this time. It’s been rather a while since you last showed up in a snarking, hasn’t it?

C: I suppose it has. I miss seeing you monkeys when you scream about bad fanfiction. Though, I must say, it surprises me you picked up one of SC’s leftovers.

Hey, you can’t complain with results, right? And besides, we’ve got a lot to do with this thing!

C: I suppose. It cannot be any worse than anything Swenia has read recently, at any rate, and it is certainly far better than…

*cringes* Crunchy, please do not bring that up. I would rather we never spoke of that fic again.

C: I cannot blame you for that. Well, let us get on with this, shall we?

Sure.

When last we left our heroes, they had just defeated the bandit king. Well, okay, he wasn’t a king, per se, but he is a boss-type, so there you go.

We pick up with this:

I sigh inwardly as the villagers of Alech let out another cheer of thanks for saving their people and ridding the area of the bandit scum. Yaaaaaaay…

C: It occurs to me that this ‘Kale’ is quite the downer.

No kidding, right? It gets especially crazy when you consider he’s already been forced to kill someone for the greater good and we already saw this whole “oh God, I’m a terrible person” posturing back in the first fucking chapter.

C: Do not say you will erect a counter to count the number of times MasterDimentio repeats information.

Crunchy, I’m pretty sure MasterDimentio isn’t under the assumption that his audience is comprised of a group of idiots with the memory span of an especially stupid goldfish. No, this is an attempt to grab cheap sympathy points, even though we already ran this character arc through the ground. I’m pretty sure Luke from Tales of the Abyss doesn’t bitch about this nearly so much the first time he kills a man.

C: True.

Anway, we’ll need a bit of a quick summary of the return, so—

A bit of a quick summary of our return as the ‘Heroes of Alech’:

C: Well, I suppose that saves us some work.

Yeah, but why? That… ugh.

*headdesk*

Roll the ficbit!

they prepared a massive feast for all of us, which I decided not to partake in (killing tends to kill my appetite… and so do unintentional puns…). Garrett was welcomed in with open, if not hesitant, arms.

So he was welcomed openly, except for when he was opened hestitantly. One of these things is not like the other indeed…

Krysta was hailed as a town hero, her father (at least I assume it was him) with a beaming smile on his face as he watched her carried through the streets by the villagers. Marco and Myra mostly kept to themselves, letting the other two bask in the limelight, though I did see a few men and women looking at the two of them during the festivities.

What they probably had in mind:

C:

Crunchy?

C: It occurs to me you make too many innuendos.

Oh hush!

Of course, Inigo was still up to his old game: from the time we left the fortress to right now, he’s done nothing but flirt with anything wearing a skirt. (Good God man, learn what it means to have standards…)

Hey, hey! Cut him some slack, it’s hard to chase around that poontang when you’re from a bad future where everything has gone to shit!

C: Also, Kale, we understand: you are not fond of womanizers. We do not need to be reminded of this fact constantly.

Aren’t you the one who constantly reminds people of your evil plans?

C: That is different. That is an evil plan. It would ill befit one of my stature to avoid restating my evil plans repeatedly!

As you say…

As for me, well, aside from upsetting the handful of girls that had asked me to dinner, I’d kept to myself. At the moment… it just seems wrong to celebrate. I swear, if they let out another- I let out another sigh as the townsfolk apparently have ESP, letting out another cheer.

*frown*

The hell are they cheering for? It seems strange that any feast that’s gone on this long would have villagers just randomly cheering.

C: You cannot argue with the results, though.

The hell are you talking about?

C: It is driving the little Stu away! That right there is doing half of the work for me! Then I can swoop in, and—

Crunchy, why on Earth would you recruit Kale!

C: I was simply going to turn him into an errand boy. That way, nobody could hear his complaining.

I get the distinct feeling that wouldn’t work very well…

That’s it, I’m out.

No no, let me rephrase that for you:

After this, he stands up and goes outside. He goes on this tangent about how cold it is outside, and he’s all “eh, I don’t mind the cold”. And then… 

“Guess I deserve to be cold, don’t I?” I mutter to myself as I just… start walking.

C: Parrot, when did Ulrich-Stu enter the premises?

Hey, that’s being cold to Kale! At least Kale is bitching about something that is relevant to the story and isn’t blindly parroting the author’s views on life, the universe, and everything.

C: But does it not strike you as strangely pretentious that he says things like that?

Yeah, it does kind of come off as the ramblings of an especially drunk emo kid, now that you put it that way. Man, I don’t know when Kale went from complaining about things in-character to turning into a full-on Edge Lord, but holy shit…

So then he goes on a walk, and…

Oh dear Lord.

I guess… the first thing on my mind would be… me. Or rather, what I’ve become. I shouldn’t… I mean, how am I able to do all of this? “Alright, ‘Kale’, when did you suddenly become a murderous badass?” I mumble to myself. Not a single thing makes sense to me. I’m not nearly this coordinated, quick, strong… any of it! The closest thing I’ve come to holding that was a sword was a machete and the only time I’ve come close to fighting using a sword was back in the fourth grade, when my friends and I wouldpretend to sword fight, and even then it was only with soft foam bats. Granted, it hurt like hell when you got hit hard enough, but still. I’ve changed… definitely. This world, I think my body’s adapting itself to it. Or maybe, the world’s just bringing out things that I could already do…

Wait, the fic is actually acknowledging that he’s learning a sword way too quickly?

C: Blasphemy! This fic should not be divulging its secrets so quickly!

Um… Again, ironic coming from you.

C: Be quiet, parrot. I will have you know that someone of my evil pedigree must always divulge secrets.

Like evil plans.

C: Ah, now you get it!

Anyway, he then goes on the tract of “I’m a killer, blah blah, it makes me feel sad”. He then talks about a nervous tic he has relating to a class ring that he doesn’t have, and then he ponders about missing a bit before he’s like “Kale, stop that!” And then…

I shake my head, trying to focus, when I notice something: my hands are still bloodied. Looking down, I see all of my garments are stained in a similar manner. “Son of a…” I let out a sigh as I realize that, in the ‘festive and excited’ moments after we returned to Alech with the villagers in tow, I’d forgotten to clean myself up.

C: Tsk, Tsk, such poor form. Even I would not be caught dead forgetting to wash blood off of these beautiful claws!

Yeah, really! And seriously? Nobody told his stupid ass that he was still covered in blood? What kind of villagers are these assholes, anyway? You’d think someone would’ve pointed that out, but nope!

Well, that’s fucking wonderful. I probably look like a butcher that just had a bad day at work. Glad I decided to skip the food tonight…

Hey, that’s more for me! I’m not about to complain!

As a sudden thought hits me, I draw my sword and hold it up to the moonlight, the corners of my mouth turning downwards as I see blood still caked on the blade.

C: I am not certain what he expected after trying to clean his blade with bloodied cloth, but there it is.

Right?

After this, he’s all “Hulk Smash”, and then we get some angsting where he’s all “why am I here, wangst, why am I even here”. And then he ponders about his situation again about how he got there. He then says something out loud, before…

I’m interrupted from my thoughts as a gold coin bounces onto the ground in front of me. Looking up, I see Garrett standing in front of me, a slight grin on his face. ” ‘s for your thoughts, kid.” he says quietly before sitting down on the wall next to me.

Oh hey, it’s prideful douchebag again. I can hardly wait to see what he says about this!

I can tell he’s been drinking, though its not just because of the fact that he has a bottle in his hand. His breath… Well, there’s just one more reason to never drink.

Oh come on, my breath doesn’t smell that bad when I drink, does it?

C: I do not know, parrot, but I do notice when you drink a lot of Bacardi.

Oh Good Lord, I crash the ninjas’ karaoke party one fucking time

“You were kinda missed at the party, mate. Marco had all the hicks quiet down for a bit so he could thank you for your ‘brilliant’ strategy.

*snerk*

I don’t think jackass here realizes just how appropriate that air quote is.

So then jackass is all “you should’ve been there, bitch”, before being all “the heck are you doing, come back in”. And then Kale goes to him all “can I ask you something”, and then—

The smile on his face immediately disappears. “Killer’s remorse, eh?” he asks, as though it were an everyday thing. Then again, it might be in this world. If it is, they sure didn’t stress it enough in the game.

Yeah, ‘cause it’s a fucking Nintendo game. Unless your name is Majora’s Mask, they tend not to go into dark topics like that.

He sets his bottle down before leaning back against the wall, a frown creasing his face. “Its not some lucky guess, let me tell you that right now, kid. Just about everybody I’ve met that’s killed someone, even the guys that I ran with, felt it at some point or another. Most of them were lucky enough to feel it right off the bat; they managed to get the pain and suffering of it out fast. The others carried it inside of them for a long while, letting it bottle up until they just collapsed from it all. Scary sight to see a full-grown man, strong enough to break your neck with his bare-hands, collapse to the ground sobbing like a newborn. It’s… unsettling, to say the least. What’s worse is when it happens in the middle of a fight. One of my old buddies, Naga bless him, though I can’t remember his name, had it happen to him during a raid. He just froze as we burst into the town and dropped his lance, tears running down his face. Earned him an arrow to the eye, it did.”

… Huh, that’s actually not that bad of Jackass. He’s all “I get it, and don’t worry, everyone feels that”. So maybe that’s—

You sure one of your old nicknames wasn’t ‘Garrett the Rambler’?

Aaaaaand, you just ruined the scene by being a snarky ass about it. Good job.

C: Do you want me to accompany with a patronizing clap?

Yes, please.

*patronizing claps along with Crunchy*

“So, are you trying to tell me something?”

Um…

C: I think there is only one way to say this:

A sudden shock of surprise

Oh God, that prose is so fucking awkward it’s not even funny.

hits me as the big man puts his hand on my shoulder and turns to face me, his eyes dead-set.

“Look. I know this is just killing you right now, alright? But you’ve got to look at it this way: you’re feeling it now, when the blood’s still fresh. It means you’ve got something a lot of folks don’t have anymore: a heart.”

C: What… what is that?

That… is jackass, unexpectedly having a lot more heart than I thought he was capable of.

C: Interesting. There is much to learn.

Oh dear, don’t tell me you’re about to get a heart of gold.

C: Of course not. I just needed a refresher on what not to say to a child while their village is burning all around them.

… I’m not sure there’s anything you can say that would be heartwarming in that scenario. Just saying.

He gives my shoulder a pat before grabbing his bottle of… whiskey, I’m guessing, and standing up. “Well, I think I’ll head back to the inn. Met a fine looking lass back there and, well, let’s just say the girls around here love scars.” He points to the one going down the side of his face before grinning and turning around.

*frown*

Wait a sec! So Inigo, who has thus far failed to get into a woman’s dress, is a womanizing asshat. But when Garrett does the same exact thing, you don’t go into “oh my God, he’s a womanizer, he’s a terrible person”?

C: Methinks Kale is a bit of a hypocrite.

No kidding, right?

“Garrett, wait.” I stop him just as he’s about out of earshot. Before he can turn around, I ask him my question. “You’ve said you’ve seen other people experience it. Well, how’d you deal with it? The remorse, I mean.” I notice his shoulders visibly slump as the bottle in his hand nearly falls. I just hit a nerve, didn’t I?

“Never said I went through it myself, did I?” His voice is nearly emotionless, though there’s sadness behind it. “I’m twenty-four and I’ve been killing and stealing for half of my life. Not once have I ever felt sorry about any of it. Like I said, count yourself lucky, kid. You have a heart, at least.”

This just in, kiddies: Garrett has literally told Kale that he feels nothing when he kills people.

C: Wait, so is he evil or is he not evil? I find it difficult to read which one he is, because he seems to be both.

I think it’s less that he’s evil, and more that he doesn’t really have a handle on how to balance both those elements really well. For what it is, though, this actually isn’t a bad attempt to toe the line between those two extremes. I’ve certainly seen much worse.

So then Kale goes and ponders some more on what Garrett says, before deciding to turn in for the night. And that ends that scene.

C: Hm, all that was one scene. I cannot see how that works.

Well, the paragraphs are huge in this fic, so there you go. We’re gonna try to burn through the rest of this chapter in one sitting, though, so here goes!

We cut to this:

As I crack open the door to the inn, which, by the way, was harder to find than I’d expected, as I’d apparently wandered across the entire village, I’m glad to see that no one’s around. The townsfolk have all apparently gone to bed, for which I’m grateful. I doubt I could handle someone trying to thank me for saving them. Yeah, I’m glad I saved them, but it doesn’t mean much when I feel horrible for killing bandits.

You know, one of the big things I would change if I were to rewrite Mass Vexations would be to spend more time on my SI character’s reaction to, you know, killing a dude for the first time. ‘Cause I didn’t do that then. Now, that said, I think this should serve as a stark reminder of why you don’t go overboard when you do that.

Because then it gets fucking annoying.

How am I so hung up over killing bandits? They’re murdering scum who would just as soon put an axe into my gut than try and be friends. Of course, I don’t know why any of them were bandits in the first place. Any of them could’ve just been lost souls, people who needed the money and had no other place to…

C: Does this monkey ever plan to do anything to stop this incessant rambling?

I stop midstride to bang my head against one of the wooden poles in the inn, trying to get the debate inside my head to stop.

C:

I’m… not sure that’d work, to be honest…

C: It strikes me as especially counterintuitive, yes.

“That’s… probably pretty bad for your health, you know.”

Krysta’s voice startles me and I immediately spin around to see her standing at the foot of the stairs, wearing a white nightgown and carrying a lit candle in her hands in one of those… weird candle holder thingies.

What, you mean a candlestick? Seriously? You don’t know what a goddamn candlestick is?

C: I thought you monkeys have an entire nursery rhyme around candlesticks.

We do! That just… ugh!

*headdesk*

“Why are you up? Wait, why are you even staying in the inn? Don’t you have a father and a house where you can stay?” Wait, Garrett did say that he’d found… She’s from the village and her hair is a bit of a mess… Oh God and Naga, please no! That… just no! NOT RIGHT! UNDO, UNDO! Ctrl + Z! BAD IDEA UNI-

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to remind you that this train of thought is coming from the same character who constantly gives Inigo shit for being a womanizer. Seriously, for someone who is all “ah, you’re too open in expressing your sexuality and you need to stop”, your mind went to a sexual place pretty quickly.

C: That, and there was no attempt to call Garret out once again. I am disappointed.

No kidding, right?

After this, Krysta is all “well, Ima be travelling with you, so I thought I’d get used to that, and you seem really distant, and by the way thanks for—”

Wait, what?

I never even got the chance to say ‘thank you’ for rescuing me from those bandits.”

C: From how I understand the way it unfolded, it was Inigo who saved her, no?

Alright, somewhat disturbing crisis averted. All clear. “Well, to be fair, Inigo got two of them. Plus, he was really the one who saved you. If he hadn’t been there, I doubt I would’ve gotten there in time.

C: Ah, thank you.

Crunchy, you’re kind of missing the point here. She’s thanking him for saving her from a situation he could’ve avoided if he didn’t make off like the fucking Roadrunner to the nearest enemies! She shouldn’t be thanking him, she should be slapping him!

So, if you want to go thank someone, go thank-” I’m interrupted as she suddenly places a kiss on my cheek, my face turning red and suddenly feeling like its on fire.

She also shouldn’t be doing that! What the fuck even…

*headdesk*

C: Careful, parrot. That is not good for your health.

Shut up, Crunchy, you damn reverberating smartass…

“Uh, y-you probably shouldn’t do that. I’m still kinda bloodied from the battle and-” Her sudden coughing and sputtering tells me that she either got the message or the taste.

“Agh, for Naga’s sake Kale! Why haven’t you cleaned up yet?”

Because Kale is a useless idiot, Krysta.

She looks me up and down once, her brow furrowing in confusion. “My goodness, have you looked at yourself lately? You looked like you just stepped out of a blood-bath.” Apparently, she realizes what she says just a fraction of a second too late, as she immediately puts her hand to her mouth.

Fuck’s sake, are we going to get yet another rambling about that?

“I kinda just did, didn’t I?” I ask, my voice losing all emotion again. “Cut-and-run, slice-and-dice, hack-and-slash; its all I did today. It shouldn’t exactly be surprising that I look like this, now should it?”

Oh my fucking God, Kale, we get it! You wallow in sadness about the fact you’ve killed people! Now can you kindly stop going on about that for two fucking seconds, pretty please? It’s getting grating fast!

So then he asks where he can wash up, to which Krysta points him at a room. He goes in, finds it’s “a basin of water and a few buckets”, and then he undresses, washes up, and goes back to his room where he dresses and goes to sleep.

C: Is it time to start a dream sequence?

Yes it is, Crunchy.

This is kinda fun actually. I think to myself as I do a breaststroke through the white void I’m in. The place is remarkably easy to move around in, almost like a pool, minus the possibility of drowning. I’ve always enjoyed swimming, especially after having a bad day, so being able to do this now is somewhat of a boon. It helps me relax a bit, at the very least.

“Why do you insist on meddling?”

*frown*

Wait, what?

I stop my ‘swimming’ as the voice begins to echo out again, turning around slightly so that I’m looking up towards the top of the area. (At least, I think it may be the top…) “Okay, would you mind telling me how I’m ‘meddling’? The message kinda loses all meaning whenever I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

C: This all-knowing voice of doom likewise forgets that in order for him to actually meddle, he needs to have a role in the canon plot of the game, no?

Yeah, that’s also true, isn’t it? For all that talk of “insisting” the voice does, Kale has really only had plot influence on the prologue, and it was minimal influence at that! Seriously, disembodied voice, what the hell?

Surprisingly, the voice actually answers back, though not by speaking. The air in front of me starts to shine for a moment before a small figure appears before me. My eyes widen in shock as I recognize it almost instantly. I mean, how could I forget saving them when I had to kill my first person to save them? “You mean that baby? I ‘meddled’ by saving a baby!?

C: Of course! You meddled by saving a baby because of mumble mumble mumble.

Taco’s really rubbed off on you, you know that?

C: Oh hush, parrot.

What was I supposed to do, let the two bastards cut it apart?” I shout, though my voice seems to become lost in the emptiness of the void. I slowly shake my head as I receive no reply. “Well look here, buddy. If you’re trying to make me feel bad or something for saving a baby, a baby, then you’re an absolute idiot! Besides, its not like I don’t feel bad enough. So yeah, I meddled: what of it?”

There you go, Kale. That is how you have a goddamn spine!

In answer, the floating baby disappears, being replaced with a small black butterfly. As it slowly beats its wings, I frown. You’ve got to be… The Butterfly Effect?

*frown*

Wait, what?

“So, by saving that baby, who was apparently supposed to die, which is extremely fucked up, I might add, I’ve started something which is, I assume, bad and counts as ‘meddling’. Am I getting this all right or should I try again?”

“Just stop meddling.”

I don’t have time to reply, as the entire area goes dark, the voice’s words ringing in the darkness.

Can I point out how much negative sense this makes? I mean, shit, I know Chrom took the baby in and all that jazz, but would that really change all that much? I mean, if we go by proper Awakening continuity, then the only time skip in the game spans a period of two years. What the hell is one rescued baby going to do to change the canon when he’s only two years old? At most, I can only see him as one of the players that comes back from the future. Unless this baby also has a role in the Emmeryn bit that shows up before the time skip? But that…

*headdesk*

C: Really, parrot, you have lost your touch.

Sorry, I think my brain has been all wonky around snarkings since FaCe ThE StRaNgE happened. That fic really fucked with my brain.

C: I did tell Taco that he should have dissuaded you from snarking that. It cannot be healthy for your brain.

Aw, you really do care.

C: Oh quiet, I am only making sure you are all sane when I recruit you for my evil plan!

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

We then get a line break, and Kale is woken up by Marco pounding on his door. So then Marco grabs Kale by the collar, and says:

“A bit, yes. Garrett told me about what you’re going through.” he says after a small period of silence, releasing me. “You should’ve told me, told any of us. Damn it all Kale, we’re a team, aren’t we? I thought we were going to be working together. If you’re suffering, then you shouldn’t have to do it alone.” Even though his expression is extremely pissed off looking, I’m at least somewhat touched by the fact that he was worried about me. “I’ve gone through this myself. It’s a real pain, but I managed to pull through. You know how? I had my sister with me. This isn’t something that you can deal with by yourself, at least not very easily.”

Aw, look, he really does care.

C: Characters with nuance? I never thought I would see the day.

Yeah. Give him shit for Kale’s tactics, at least MasterDimentio is trying to give his characters some amount of hidden depths. Is he always successful? Eh, that depends. But he’s trying, at least. And that’s more than I can say for a lot of people that’ve graced the Library more recently.

I let out a brief sigh (I’ve been doing that way too much) before I respond. “Look Marco. I appreciate the fact that you’re worried about me, truly I am. But… This is just something that I’m going to have try to get through on my own, alright?” I hold up my hands before he can say anything. “I’ve always been this way. If I have a problem, I need to face it myself. I can’t let someone else help me out.

So basically, you go the typical action hero route of “this is something I must do myself”. Uh, yeah, can I just say that it makes him a jackass?

Yeah, it makes me a complete jackass but that’s just the way it is.

C: Fic, I had the distinct feeling the parrot was kidding.

Hey, I’m not about to complain! It’s always fun when fics acknowledge their characters’ jackass tendencies.

I will promise you this, though: if it does become too much for me to handle, I’ll take your help then.”

Oh, so it’s not the typical broody action hero bullshit. Yay!

So then Marco is all “huh, I was kind of the same way, and I’ll hold you to that”. Kale responds by being all “fine with me”, before pointing out they’re heading to Ylisstol, and asking why they’re heading there given that, you know, Myra and Marco are Plegian.

Marco’s response:

“Eh, I thought about that myself. It’s a risk, but its one that we’ll have to take. Wandering around looking for jobs won’t get us anywhere. If we have a place where we can settle down and establish a headquarters, the jobs will come in a bit easier, with any luck.” He closes his eyes as he starts to think.

Um, won’t you be facing competition with the Shepherds?

“We’ll be facing competition with the Shepherds, given the fact that they’re much more famous and they have Prince Chrom as they’re leader,

So even you seem to realize how little sense this makes. Huh.

but that doesn’t mean they can do everything.”

True. And that’ll be even more true once Chrom becomes prince of the land and has less time to run around being all “oh yeah, bandits, protect the village”.

If only you knew, my friend. If only you knew…

C: Is Kale planning on being another one of those imbeciles who insists on playing with nothing but plot regurgitation?

Too early to tell, Crunchy. This is MasterDimentio we’re talking about here, not InHarmsWay. I’m pretty sure MasterDimentio isn’t going to get halfway through an AU fic and then realize “shit, I have no ideas for how this is going to pan out after this point, what do I do”, before promptly dropping it.

C: Parallel Realities ended, though.

I was talking about this fic.

C: Ah.

So Marco is all “we’ll likely take smaller jobs so long as they’re not doing “anything too horrible”, and then Kale asks if they’re leaving that day. Marco says they’ll wait for Garrett to become available, and then mentions “it’ll take us two days to get there”. He also mentions that he’ll have Krysta bring his clothes, since she washed them for him. And of course:

Gods Kale; how did you forget to clean yourself up after a fight like that?” He must’ve caught the expression on my face, as he immediately turns his eyes to the ground.

Wait, so literally, he was too busy wallowing in his angst to clean himself? Really? That’s his excuse?

*headdesk*

Yep, Kale is an idiot.

“Ah, right. My apologies. Your sword has also been cleaned; I’ll send it up with Krysta and your clothes.” With that, he walks through the doorway, closing the door behind him.

So then Kale wonders if he’ll run into Chrom, before pondering “eh, he’s probably up at Regna Ferox. He then ponders on the baby he rescued, and he wonders “will he turn out evil or good”.

No, really:

“Let’s take this one step at a time…” I mutter to myself as I hear someone knock on the door. Besides, how could he be as bad as Grima? That’s just not possible, right?

right?

C: Ah, I suppose this author is going for the ‘jealous half sibling’ background for villainy. Pah, such little imagination.

Right? It’s fairly clichéd.

C: It also makes me wonder how a human could possibly be as villainous as a god who was sealed away for thousands of years because his evil overshadowed the land. I already sense the stupid is going to be strong if that baby does indeed grow to be more evil than that.

Yeah. And if I know anything about you, villains gotta have decorum, right?

C: Now you understand!

Anyway, that ends the chapter, and we end with an author’s note:

*Right, first things first. I’m sure that you all know the drill by now, but thank you all for reading this. It really brightens up your day when something you make can make someone smile, no matter what the smile’s for.

Man, is he going to be disappointed when he realizes why some of us are smiling…

I’m sure you’re all getting tired of hearing that and I understand, but there’s a bit of bad news with that: I’m just that kind of guy. WAY too thankful sometimes, I guess.

Anyway, I apologize if this chapter might not have been up to snuff when compared to the others.

The hell are you talking about? It had some stupidity, but after the tactical dumbassery that transpired in the previous chapter it’s practically benign!

I’m fighting off a bit of a cold at the moment and I’m worried it may have affected me a bit. If there was any glaring problem with this chapter, I’d really appreciate some feedback on what it was.

So, that’s my little bit of a ramble. As always, thank you for reading and have a nice day.*

And that ends today’s installment.

C: Indeed.

Yep. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been Herr Wozzeck, and I have been joined by Crunchy Raptor. Join us next time when we—

*offscreen crash*

What the hell?

C: Oh, for… Did the ninjas tamper with my interdimensional portal?

Interdimensional… You built an interdimensional portal?

C: Of course! How else am I supposed to stage a take-over of a galaxy if I cannot even go there? I need it for my evil plans!

Ugh, goddammit Crunchy. I thought it was Bifocals who built that!

C: It was. Turns out she is actually a dear, and made it entirely out of Venetian glass and student IDs when I asked.

Wait, how…? Ugh, never mind, I think this is one invention I don’t want to logic bomb. Okay, let’s see who—

*door swings wide open*

???: Where the fuck is this place, and which fuckers am I talking to?

Oh, you gotta be kidding me…

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14 Comments on “1249: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken – Chapter Five”

  1. SC says:

    Though, I must say, it surprises me you picked up one of SC’s leftovers.

    I know! Usually I finish my dish! I must have had horrible table manners this time!

  2. SC says:

    I’m pretty sure Luke from Tales of the Abyss doesn’t bitch about this nearly so much the first time he kills a man.

    He doesn’t. The entire time span between him first killing a guy and him getting over it is probably something like an hour, in-game, and most of it is spent being unconscious or busily getting the fuck off the Tartarus.

    • Herr Wozzeck says:

      Yeah, but he still does deal with some of it, right? It’s just not brought up every six seconds afterwards.

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        He does, sort of. He basically shoves aside his insecurities for the sake of practicality. Also, he had a good reason to go all BSOD about his first blood considering, while he looks 17, he’s mentally 7.

  3. SC says:

    Of course, Inigo was still up to his old game: from the time we left the fortress to right now, he’s done nothing but flirt with anything wearing a skirt. (Good God man, learn what it means to have standards…)

    Inigo has standards!

    Those standards are, “Someone PLEASE have sex with me before Grima kills us all!”

    And besides, who’s fuckwit Kale to judge how Inigo lives? At least he’s out to save the world, Kale’s just fucking around with a bunch of outlaws and a healer who I’m pretty sure did nothing of value the entire fight.

  4. SC says:

    “Alright, ‘Kale’, when did you suddenly become a murderous badass?”

    You didn’t. You’ve bumbled your way into and out of every shitty situation you’ve found yourself in so far. The fact that you can sword better than most rookies is simply due to your Stuness.

  5. SC says:

    Interdimensional… You built an interdimensional portal?

    C: Of course! How else am I supposed to stage a take-over of a galaxy if I cannot even go there? I need it for my evil plans!

    Ugh, goddammit Crunchy. I thought it was Bifocals who built that!

    C: It was. Turns out she is actually a dear, and made it entirely out of Venetian glass and student IDs when I asked.

    Oh for-

    BIFOCALS!

    *Goldie peeks in*

    Goldie: Something wrong? …Ah, you’ve gotta be-! MOM!

    Bifocals: What? What?

  6. Goddess: http://www.thelostogle.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/two-men-kissing-2.jpg

    Cain: And what was the point of that?

    Goddess: To see the amount of noseblood we can collect via mancandy.

    Cain: …do I even want to know?


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