1252: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter One

Title: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway
Media: Video Game/Comic
Topic: Garfield/Mass Effect  (Wait… what?! – Lyle)
Genre: Sci-fi/Adventure/crossover
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by agigabyte

agig: ALL HANDS! TROLLFIC INBOUND, BRACE FOR IMPACT!

*It hits, causing severe damage to the GNS Archon*

agig: Shit, infirmary, be prepared for a lot of injured. And somebody get that fire out!

Dakota: *Puts down his datapad and stands up* Gunnery, arm Snerkannons, engineering, prepare SDQF deterrents, security, prepare for DRD boarders.

agig: Without further ado, fire all weapons on the trollfic!

Chapter 1

Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure Chapter 1

Commander Shepherd was talking to Allusive Man in the Normany spaceship about important missions.

“Commander Shepherd you need to fight the collectors and save humanity.” Said the Allusive Man with conversion.

Dakota: “Allusive Man, Normany, Said the Allusive Man with conversion”  What?! But… No!

“I will do my mission but it is difficult and perilful.” Said Commander Shepherd with hesitation.

Dakota: I think that just reading this is perilful.

“Yes you do not have the manliness do this mission alone, so I have defrosted the ultimate man, Garfield, from cryogenic slumber to lead you to victory.” Said The Allusive Man with pride as he pointed to a mysterious figure.

agig: Why would you resurrect a cat that’s lazy as all fuck too lead you to victory?

Dakota: Maybe because he’s MANLY!

Garfield entered the room with a manly strut ready to take on supernovas.

“The only thing I hate more than racists is collectors, I am going to slam them into outer hemispheres.” Said Garfield, head held high and fist pumped with justice.

agig: I think I hear a Thesaurus screaming.

“I must first examine the crew to see if we are ready for space battle” Said Garfield with knowledge.

agig: Garfield with knowledge? *Snerks*

Garfield marched down the plank of the ship examining his crew with intentions.

“Greetings Garfield I am Miranda I am your first officer, I am here to help you fight collectors.” Said Miranda checking out Garfield muscles.

“Hey there sweet bumps I would like to get into your collectors.” Said Garfield with flirting.

Dakota: Uh, yeah, okay. *Lowers voice* Miranda, I’ll distract him. Run!

“Not now Garfield we have important mission ahead.” Said Miranda face blushing with rainbow colors.

agig: So either she’s dying or gaining superpowers.

“Ok, sexyface will you at least make me nice lasagna meal?” Said Garfield with hunger in his heart.

Dakota: Sexyface? Sexyaface?! Sexyface?!

“Even though I am woman, I do not cook, you will have to go to mess hall” Said Miranda with regretfulness.

agig: If I was more of an ass, I’d feed this fic to tumblr feminists.

Garfield stomred into mess hall in search of lasagna nutrition.

“Chef I will have lasagna sandwhich save the ice.” Ordered Garfield to the Mess sergeant.

Dakota: What does ice have to do with it?

“I am sorry Garfield Lasagna is rare galactic delicacy, it is only on the citadel.” Said the Mess sergeant with deep sorrow.

agig: Lasagna? Rare? A delicacy? *Bursts out laughing*

“What is this madness?!.” bombasted Garfield with appalling shock. “Galaxy is at stake and there is not even lasagna for nutrition?! Head to Citadel at once!” Ordered Garfield with righteousness.

Dakota: It’s sad that this is the only person in character.

The Normany sped to the Citadel at highway speeds. When it approached the Citadel the brakes were slammed so it could park. Garfield then entered the citadel with Miranda to search for Lasagna.

agig: The brakes were slammed? THE BRAKES? THE FUCKING BRAKES?!

“The Citadel council might know where there is Lasagna.” Said Miranda to Garfield in a serious tone.

“Then we will go there and demand satisfaction.” Said Garfield with urgency.

Garfield and Miranda hurried to the Citadel Council and bust in interrupting a meeting.

agig: Well, prepare for Garfield getting arrested. And then the council being bashed. For arresting that which barged into their offices and interrupted a meeting.

“This is galactic emergency,

Dakota: The Reapers are a Galactic Emergency. Lasagna is food.

me and my crew need lasagna delivered at faster than light speeds to us!” declared Garfield with invigoration.

“I am sorry Garfield, Blue Suns Mercenaries stole all of the lasagna.” Said the Council with worry.

agig: Huh. For once the Stufluence extended to the Council, so they (who are also a character blob) aren’t bashed and are, instead, doormats.

“I will break their bones with fists of fury!” raged Garfield to the cosmos.

Dakota: How does a bipedal cat with no fists use fists of fury?

agig: And they wouldn’t do anything against armored soldiers with space magic.

“They are outside preparing to take the lasagna to headquarters, maybe you can catch them.” Said the councilman truthfully.

Dakota: How does he know this? How would the Blue Suns steal the lasagna if they’re known to be right out there? Wouldn’t C-Sec stop them?

Garrus: *Walks into the room* I decided to see what you find so interesting about riffing fanfiction. *Looks at screen* Why didn’t C-Sec stop a robbery? I mean, it’s a common food you can find at any Levo-Amino store. There’s even Dextro-Amino lasagna. Also, why would anyone rob lasagna?

agig: Because of the Power Of The Plot.

Garrus: Wonderful.

On hearing this Garfield stormed out with purposed and headed to the docks like a cat greased with lightning.

“Look Garfield! There they are taking the Lasagna!” Cried out Miranda in helplessness.

Garrus: Miranda? Helpless? *Chuckles*

“Do not cry woman I will get the Lasagna.” Declared Garfield with Manly determination.

Garfield approached the menacing mercenaries and glared at them with eyes of retribution.

“Halt villains surrender your lasagna or face doom!” Roared Garfield with fiery rage.

“Haha Garfield! The collectors hired us to steal this lasagna. Your stomach will be empty forever!” Said the Blue suns leader.

Garrus: Their plan was to steal all the lasagna on the Citadel (which would weigh several thousand tonnes) in order to starve Garfield? As that “Honest Trailers” thing would say:

image

Dakota: You watch that, too?

Garrus: I was stuck in the infirmary for Psych Evals, and had to do something to pass the time.

“Fool! I will pry that lasagna from your cold dead fingers!” Exclaimed Garfield with booming voice as he launched into furious attack.

agig: Garfield preceded to not-so-tragically die a painful death, from picking a fight with an armored Merc group that has guns and space magic.

Garrus: Don’t I wish.

“Get him and defend lasagna with mind body and stomach!” Said Blue Suns Leader to his henchmens.

Dakota:…

agig: Nice try. I know your weakness. I order you to stay.

Dakota: *Glares* Yes. Sir.

The henchmens fired at Garfield with raging guns but Garfield did a cartwheel through them splitting them in two. Another henchmen tried to fire Garfield

agig: Nice try. He has job immunity.

but Garfield backflipped in back of him and broke his neck with velocity.

“It is just you and me, Blue Suns Leader!” Said Garfield to the Blue Suns Leader with intimidation.

Dakota: Intimidation? Garfield? *Bursts out laughing*

“Please show me mercy Garfield, I only stole Lasagna for money.” Begged the Blue Suns Leader.

“I am the Garbage man and it is Garbage day!” Said Garfield with slick style as he grabbed the Blue Suns Leader and threw him in a garbage compactor. With all Blue Suns gone, Garfield took the Lasagna back with him to the Normany, and was called by the Allusive man.

“Good work Garfield, now the crew has lasagna to fuel war efforts against collectors.” Said the Allusive Man with admiration of Garfield.

agig: Actually, guns and fuel would do a much better job, you moron.

Dakota: Although I imagine that lasagna would keep the morale up. Now I want lasagna.

agig: Later.

“All in days work.” Said Garfield casually as he walked out. As Garfield walked down the hallway he noticed Miranda approaching him.

“Garfield you fought with sexiness today, I would like to see you in your quarters later tonight.” Said Miranda dreamily.

Dakota: Welp. We knew this was coming.

agig: FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! THAT’S NOT HOW ROMANCE WORKS! ESPECIALLY NOT WITH FUCKING MIRANDA LAWSON! AND HER WITH A CAT? A FUCKING CAT, NO! FUCK YOU!

Dakota: *Takes off earmuffs* You done?

agig: For now.

Sure thing honey sacks, I will look forward to our meeting.” Garfield said with romance.

Dakota: That’s the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard. And I was there when Goddess tried one on Admiral Dwight.

agig: Don’t give me nightmares. I don’t need any more than this fic is going to cause.

Later that night in the Captains cabin, Garfield put his “Best love songs from the 70s, 80s and 90s” CD in his Cd player to put the mood on romance. Miranda walked in with sexiness and romance on her mind.

“Garfield you are like man I never met before, you make me wild like a hog on the hunt, yet I do not know if it is right.” Said Miranda with concern.

“What is the matter Miss Miranda, are you scared?” Asked Garfield sassily.

“I am worried you are too much man for me to handle.” Said Miranda with honesty.

“Do not worry it will be gentle, like Chef putting Lasagna in the oven.” Said Garfield reassuredly.

“Then Garfield let us make loving until the sun comes up.” Said Miranda with lust in her eyes and face.

With these words Garfield and Miranda embraced and made loving all night long with energy of a thousand galaxies.

To be continued….

agig: *Attempts to take some deep breaths* FUCK THIS FIC, FUCK THE AUTHOR. FUCK EVERYTHING. *Storms out*

Dakota: And with that note, see you guys next time.

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52 Comments on “1252: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter One”

  1. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Well. That’s it. I’ve had enough badfics to last three life times.

    I guess this is good bye then. It has been a fun ride, everyone, see you and good luck.

  2. 1252: Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventure – Chapter One

    Oh my god this is actually a thing.

    • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

      The difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.

      …Then again, this thing is the opposite of making sense, so I guess this quote doesn’t apply after all.

  3. agig: If I was more of an ass, I’d feed this fic to tumblr feminists.

    I’m pretty sure you can only feed Tumblr “feminists” to this ‘fic.

  4. Dakota: The Reapers are a Galactic Emergency. Lasagna is food.

    Unless…

    THE REAPERS WERE LASAGNA ALL ALONG!!!

    • SuperFeatherYoshi says:

      So THAT’s why the collectors have been kidnapping colonists and reducing them into smoothies, they were preparing the tomato paste for lasagna!

      It all makes sense! It all makes PERFECT sense!

  5. AdmiralSakai says:

    Garfield approached the menacing mercenaries and glared at them with eyes of retribution.

    Hey?! Where’d he get the Eyes of Retribution? Those are valuable artifacts, get them back!

  6. AdmiralSakai says:

    With these words Garfield and Miranda embraced and made loving all night long with energy of a thousand galaxies.

    I think that just might contend with Reletavistic Edward as the most energetic event we have ever seen in a fanfic.

  7. SuperFeatherYoshi says:

    Oh great, now Garfield’s releasing the feeling of his penis inside Miranda?

    …I don’t think I’ll ever be able to type a sentence crazier than that for the rest of my life.

  8. GhostCat says:

    “Hey there sweet bumps I would like to get into your collectors.” Said Garfield with flirting.

    Flirting – you are doing it wrongest.

  9. GhostCat says:

    “Even though I am woman, I do not cook, you will have to go to mess hall” Said Miranda with regretfulness.

    Or he could just, I don’t know, make his own damn lasagna? It’s not that hard.

  10. GhostCat says:

    “Garfield you are like man I never met before,

    BECAUSE HE’S A CAT!

  11. GhostCat says:

    “Do not worry it will be gentle, like Chef putting Lasagna in the oven.” Said Garfield reassuredly.

    The euphemism implies namy things, none of them very complementary.

    “Then Garfield let us make loving until the sun comes up.” Said Miranda with lust in her eyes and face.

    With these words Garfield and Miranda embraced and made loving all night long with energy of a thousand galaxies.

    … Well, I’m going to need some time in the Brain Bleach Jacuzzi after this.

    Also; even if they are compatible size-wise, a male cat has a barbed penis. Things are not going to go well for Miranda.

  12. infinity421 says:

    I don’t really think an entire riff was needed – the fact that it’s Garfield crossed with Mass Effect seems like it does the work by itself.

  13. How does a person come up with the idea to crossover Mass Effect and Garfield in the first place?

  14. This is hilarious. Wrong, but hilarious.

  15. leobracer says:

    I checked out this guy’s profile, and of the 23 fics he’s written, only four of them have nothing to do with Garfield.

  16. WHAT THE FUCK?????
    THIS THING HAS 18 CHAPTERS?

  17. Here’s a minific showing the short process of fic picking in the Riffleet.

    https://agigablog.wordpress.com/2015/11/30/riffleet-fic-choices/

  18. TacoMagic says:

    “Yes you do not have the manliness do this mission alone, so I have defrosted the ultimate man, Garfield,

    *Squints*

    Not much of an action hero in my book.

  19. TacoMagic says:

    The brakes were slammed?


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