1253: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Three

Title: Everybody Likes Chocolate
Author: nutin-but-JD
Media:  Book / Movie
Topic: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Genre: Romance
URL:
Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle and Koori

Koori.

Koori: Yes, ma’am?

I can’t help but notice that you found us a fic that has twenty-three chapters.  Are you really prepared for the long haul?

Koori:  Absolutely.  I have ordered twenty pounds of loose-leaf oolong and bought you a new mug.  *passes the mug to Lyle*

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You just earned yourself a raise.

Koori:  But you don’t pay me.

I’ll take a week off your honey badger duty, then.

Anyway, let’s get started today, shall we?  Last time on “Everybody Likes Chocolate,” our feline protagonist met Willy Wonka, who proceeded to make light of homelessness and then decided to lead the kitty to [location] that may or may not be Jesus.

Koori:  It’s really quite amazing how little happens in each chapter, isn’t it?

It’s like EP’s love life.

Koori:  A total lack of action?

Precisely.

Chapter three is called “Factual Conversation.”

Koori:  These chapter titles leave a lot to be desired.

“Where are we going, sir?” I asked. A bit of fear crept up on me as we moved on.

A valid question and reaction to being led away to [place] by an old man you just met.

“Don’t ask so many questions, my dear young lady, the answers won’t get you anywhere.”

Uhm… I don’t thing that really means anything, Wonka.  Answers get you plenty of places.

Koori:  Sometimes answers merely lead to more questions, but at least you’ve gotten somewhere.

I wasn’t even going to ask what that meant in reality, since I feared the answer more than I did my question. He brought me down a long hall, and into a door with an appropriate little label, ‘Kitchen’.

You’re supposed to open the door before trying to walk through it.

Koori:  He labels the doors?  *sips her tea thoughtfully*  Why don’t we label our doors?  It would help when we have visitors; they wouldn’t get lost so much.

It’s more fun to leave everything nondescript.

Koori:  But I found twelve tourists in the lower levels just this last week.  One of them nearly died of starvation.

Did they pay the entry fee?

Koori:  Well, yes.  They all had their ticket stubs.

Then they got the complimentary map when they entered.  I have no sympathy for anyone who can’t read the map.

Koori:  Wait, we have a map?

Well, yes.  Didn’t you get it in your orientation packet?

Koori:  I’ll be right back.  *poofs out of the room*

Let’s continue while Koori runs off to do whatever she’s left to do.

“What the…” I said, spotting the little blue-haired man.

Not a little blue-haired man.  THE little blue-haired man.

Now, there’s no little blue-haired man in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so I’m not overly sure who we’re dealing with here.  Google is unhelpful, as well, as the majority of the pictures it’s supplying are, while blue-haired, not men.

Thanks, Google...

Thanks, Google…

“Why, Mr. Wonka, you have a visitor this evening?” the little man said in a high pitched teasing voice, “you never have visitors.”

“I know that, but she came here. I didn’t ask her to, she just… did.” I wasn’t quite sure if he meant that offensively, but that’s how I took it.

Offended or not, you committed breaking and entering.  You weren’t invited.  He’s merely stating facts.

“Um, excuse me, but…”

No, shush.  You have no room to argue.

“Oh my, I’m terribly sorry if I offended you. That isn’t how I meant to say it.”

I was instantly calmed by the way he said that, and had no choice but to forgive him for it. “No, sir, it’s my mistake to take it that way.”

*yawns*

He crouched down to the little man and whispered something in his ear. He motioned to me to sit down at a nearby table and chairs that seemed to have appeared behind me. As soon as I did, he did too.

“So, what do you eat?”

“Milk, water, mice, whatever I can catch.  Chocolate, when strangers give it to me… Uh… I mean, Meow?”

I was rather surprised that he asked me that, and I wasn’t sure what to answer with. “What do you mean, sir?”

You’re sitting in his kitchen at a dinning table!  He asked what you eat.  It doesn’t take that many brain cells to understand he wants to know what type of food you like to stuff in your food-hole.

“Since you cannot buy your food, do people give it to you?”

If that’s what he wanted to ask, why didn’t he ask, “How do you get food?”

Koori:  *poofs back in, a folder in her hands*  Found it!

What’s that?

Koori:  My orientation packet.  *sets it on the desk and flips it open*  Is this the map you meant?

*picks up the paper and looks it over*  Yup, that’s it.

Koori:  But, Miss Lyle, that’s a map of downtown Berlin.  It’s no wonder tourists can’t find their way around here.

Yes, and if they could read a map they would have realized it was a map of downtown Berlin and asked for one of the Library instead.

Koori:

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“Well, not really. I ask people for anything, anything at all, but I never get anything in return. The only money I have I find on the sidewalk or out in the street. And, the only possessions I have I keep in here…” I pulled out the small box that I had carved the ‘W’ in the top of, to show it to him.

Wait, you keep that with you?  I thought you left it in your box-house.

Koori:  Where did she pull that out from?

Murfleflumgerfuer.

Koori: Ah.

He looked at it very carefully for a while. He seemed to be thinking about something very thoroughly, but not wanting to show it. He opened his mouth to speak, but then decided not to and kept examining the small wooden box. “This is very good.” He finally said.

She carved it herself from the finest mahogany, which is indigenous to these parts.

Koori:  Maybe she should sell her carvings if they’re that good.

“Good, sir?”

“Why yes! You carved my W absolutely perfectly! But how did you know to make it like this?”

Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you’re factory is kind of a huge fucking landmark in town.  The W is on your gate.  It would not be beyond logic for her to use that as a reference.

I had to think a while about that comment, but then realized that the box of chocolates was none other than Wonka chocolate, which was very popular in the city. “Why thank you, sir. I’m very proud of it. Those are my most prized possessions in there.”

Yes, so you’ve said-

*A-WHOOOOOO-GAH!  A-WHOOOOOO-GAH!*

Shit.  Intern, sic ’em!

Koori:  Right! *pulls out a kunai and races from the room*

“Of course!” he said, seeming reluctant to open it for fear of being scolded. I could tell that he was just dying to, but set it down and left it there.

He would probably be sorely disappointed in the contents, although I can’t blame him for his curiosity.  Human nature has always gone, “Oh!  A closed container!  I must open it!” and then instantly regretted the action.

Koori:  Pandora would agree.

“Sir, you can open it if you want to.”

He gently picked it up and stared at it again. He handled it with so much care, it seemed, that I thought he was going to drop it. He slowly opened the top and revealed the purple velvet interior. The bottom of the box was lined with a few quarters, and a dime. Also in it was a golden ribbon, a silver chain, a bottle cap, and resting on top of all of it was a perfectly round chocolate with that signature W printed in the top.

Waaaaait a second.  *glances back at the first chapter*  She never mentions the ribbon, chain, or bottle cap when talking about her possessions before.  She kept a little money and a chocolate.  That was it.  Where did these other things come from?

Koori:  More importantly, how in the world has it all stayed in a tidy pile when she’s been carrying that around in her Murfleflumgerfuer?  That chocolate would not be sitting nicely on top except by extreme coincidence.

“Where did you get this from?” he asked in a very non-meaningful tone, “this is one of mine.”

Non-meaningful tone.  What does that even mean?!

Koori:  I think the author needs to put down the thesaurus before they hurt themselves.

“I know, sir. You see, this man walked by me one day, but then walked by me again! It was so strange. The second time, he stopped, handed me the box of chocolates, and walked away. He didn’t speak, he just came and went. He had the most beautiful blue eyes…” at that point, I became lost in my own thoughts and memories, and became unconscious to the world around me.

*snaps her fingers in front of Kitty’s face*  Hey!  Focus!  We’re in the middle of a story, here.

“Ah, it’s here.”

My new Murfleflumgerfuer!

I was startled out of my wonderful trance-like state to see a dome-covered silver plate. “My dear young lady, I think you will like this.”

It’s called food!

Koori:  Imagine that.

That’s all for this chapter.  Before we bid you fine readers farewell, though, I’d like to bring up a some things that really irk me with this story, aside from it being in first person.  Koori?

Koori:  *wheels out the chalkboard*

Thank you.  We are now three chapters into the story.  Although they are short chapters, there is vital information missing that could have added a lot to what’s going on.

  1. We have no name for our protagonist.  Three chapters and no name.  Wonka doesn’t even bother asking her who she is, only what she’s doing there.  That would have opened up the perfect opportunity to give Kitty here a name.
  2. The description has been so lacking that it’s actually distracting from the fic.  We don’t know what she looks like.  We don’t really have any clue what her surroundings look like, apart from “in a kitchen door, sitting at a table.”  We’ve sort of been told what the little blue-haired man looks like, in that we know he is small and has blue hair.  No other description has been given for him.  For all we know, he’s naked.  And cooking naked is a ballsy thing to do.  Wonka is the only one described in any detail.  The entry room is the most setting we’ve had.  We shouldn’t have to guess what our protagonist looks like.  Fuck, we didn’t even know it was a she until the second chapter.
  3. Everything is so damn linear.  She mentions once the smell of chocolate but never again touches on her senses as she blindly follows Wonka around.  She’s impoverished and starving, yet there’s no description of how being in a kitchen full of delicious food smells affects her.  For someone who hasn’t had a good meal in [time], the smell of food would be the biggest thing happening to you at that moment.  But this author completely ignores those things.

There’s more, I’m sure, but those are the big points.  Readers are not mind-readers.  We cannot see what you’re envisioning if you don’t show us.  There’s just so much nothing here.  And the author had three people help make this story a reality?  How did none of them see any of these problems?

Anyway, that’s it for this week.  I debated doing a second chapter but there’s only so much nothing I can handle at once before my brain melts and starts to slosh around inside my skull.

Koori:  Bye!

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21 Comments on “1253: Everybody Likes Chocolate – Chapter Three”

  1. AdmiralSakai says:

    I can’t help but notice that you found us a fic that has twenty-three chapters.


    Why does that number keep appearing?

  2. AdmiralSakai says:

    You’re sitting in his kitchen at a dinning table!

    Ah, I wondered where all of that noise was coming from….

  3. AdmiralSakai says:

    Non-meaningful tone. What does that even mean?!

    It’s what the story is written in?

  4. Ishi says:

    It’s like EP’s love life.

    Koori: A total lack of action?

    Precisely.

    One could provide a soothing ointment for that burn, but one chooses not to.

  5. GhostCat says:

    You’re sitting in his kitchen at a dinning table!

    Ah, the rare and elusive dinning table.

  6. He didn’t speak, he just came and went. He had the most beautiful blue eyes…

    “Yeah, yeah, I’ve had nights like that too…”

  7. GhostCat says:

    Yes, and if they could read a map they would have realized it was a map of downtown Berlin and asked for one of the Library instead.

    To display a real map of the Library you need a trans-dimensional hypercube, and we can’t pass those out to just anyone.

  8. GhostCat says:

    Well, not really. I ask people for anything, anything at all, but I never get anything in return.

    Doesn’t some anonymous person leave a bowl of milk out for you?

  9. GhostCat says:

    I know, sir. You see, this man walked by me one day, but then walked by me again! It was so strange.

    It’s really not.

    • AdmiralSakai says:

      OHMIGOD! I’m waiting for my robotics lecture to start, and the professor just walked out of the room… AND CAME BACK IN! Call the Foundation!!! There’s a reality warper on the loose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. GhostCat says:

    Waaaaait a second. *glances back at the first chapter* She never mentions the ribbon, chain, or bottle cap when talking about her possessions before. She kept a little money and a chocolate. That was it. Where did these other things come from?

    If she’s anything like my cat Tomo, she thinks everything is a toy and will play with any random object that she finds.

  11. I need to get that mug for my mom. She’d love it.

  12. GhostCat says:

    She mentions once the smell of chocolate but never again touches on her senses as she blindly follows Wonka around.

    And if she’s that close to the factory, then the smell of chocolate should be overwhelming. I’ve been to Hershey, Pennsylvania, and there’s a wide “smell zone” around the factory that is unmistakable.

  13. TacoMagic says:

    “Where did you get this from?” he asked in a very non-meaningful tone, “this is one of mine.”

    “Usually gutter sludge like you can’t afford the quality of chocolate that I produce. I could understand if you had Hershey or even Dove chocolate in here, but you really do my product a disservice by wallowing in its presence.”

  14. Herr Wozzeck says:

    That chocolate would not be sitting nicely on top except by extreme coincidence.

    And on top of that, when, exactly did she get that chocolate? Because depending on the time of year she got it (probably earlier, since good Lord do you know how hard woodcutting precise shapes like a W can be?), it would likely have melted in the summer heat. Or any heat above room temperature, for that matter. How is it still maintaining that shape?


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