2003: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapter 4

 

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the fourth chapter of this Twilight/Jurassic Park crossover! Feels weird saying that, considering this is only the second riff, but some of the chapters are quite short – and there was that whole medical … form … thing … in the beginning that served as a character introduction for Lex.

Now, on to the next chapter!

“We’re glad to see you here, Alexis,” Dr. Wu said. “We’ve been expecting you for quite some time.”

…Which apparently begins halfway through the same scene cut off at the end of the last chapter.

“I don’t follow,” Lex said, raising an eyebrow.

Yeah, that’s the sort of weirdly ominous dialogue that a super-villain would spout while twirling their mustache. It’s not going to make Lex want to trust Dr. Wu.

“You will, you will,” he said with a pat on the head.

She’s thirteen, not three.

“We’ll be taking you out to Paddock 7 shortly.

That’s going to be your new home! Hope you like sleeping in a pile of leaves.

They’ve been moving a new asset out to the Verizon Wireless-sponsored paddock,

Which, ironically, doesn’t have a number even though it is sponsored by a phone company.

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1998: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes – Chapters 1-3

 

Title: She’s Got a Bit of Raptor in Those Angel Eyes
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Family
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the start of a new fic! This is one I’ve mentioned a few times recently, and now I’ve finally got around to it – the infamous Twilight/Jurassic Park crossover!

Yes, it exists. And here’s the summary;

Alexis Cullen was an adopted human member of the Cullens. Little did she know of her identity as VH1- the first human/raptor combination. She goes on what seems like an all-expenses paid trip to Jurassic World, and discovers nasty truths about her family.

Perhaps it’s just me, but when I see VH1 all I can think about is the video channel that was like the old-people version of MTV (this was back in the day when MTV and the like played actual music videos instead of constant reality shows).

The first chapter isn’t really a chapter, but more of a character bio/lab report.

Form VH1

InGen Co.

Name: Alexis Johanna Cullen

Birthdate:07/14/01

Sex: F

This was posted in 2016, so that makes her about fourteen to fifteen years old. I really hope there’s not going to be any squicky human/raptor romances going on, but I’ve read quite a few of these already so I’m not going to hold my breath.

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1697: Master of the Universe – Chapter One

Title: Master of the Universe
Author: E.L. James
Media: Books
Topic: Twilight
Genre: Drama/Romance
URL: https://ohfifty.com/downloads/MOTU_w_Outtakes_Snowqueens_Icedragon_COMPLETE.pdf
Critiqued by Angie and Lyle

*covers face* I don’t know how to defend this one, guys. I really don’t.

Lyle: *walks in with a giant bag of gummy worms*  What’s this you’ve found? *reads intro stats* E. L. James….  Why does that sound familiar….

She’s the…she wrote that super bad BDSM trilogy ‘Fifty Shades’. It’s also that movie, with like…Dakota Something and Jamie Whatsisface.

Lyle:  Oh. Her. I didn’t realize she wrote more than that.

Actually, she really didn’t. It’s the exact same story, it’s just a Twilight fic instead of something original. It’s the exact same thing as Fifty Shades, word per word basically, just with changed names.

Lyle: *looks at the bag of gummy worms and then hands them to Angie*  I’m going to need something stronger than this.   You go ahead and get started.  I’ll be back in a minute.

Oh no, Lyle. I’ve got alcohol right here. *opens cabinet built into desk* But if you must, I’ll get a head start.

Lyle: I was thinking coffee but that works, too. *grabs a bottle of wine from the cabinet, pops the cork, and takes a swig right from it.*

Well, guess there’s no use fighting it anymore. Let’s dive into the “fan fiction”, Master of the Universe.

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1473: Twitanic – Oneshot

Title: Twitanic
Author: WonderfullyMade
Media: Film/Book
Topic: Titanic/Twilight
Genre: Tragedy/Romance
URL:  Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

I was browsing through my pile-o-fail the other day and thought to myself; “You know what I haven’t looked for recently? Twitanic fics!”

Because sometimes my brain really, really hates me and wants me to suffer. So why should I suffer alone?

For those of you who are newcomers in the Library, “Twitanic” is a name that numerous fanfic authors have given fics that blend together that town bicycle of fics, The Twilight Saga, with the 1997 film Titanic. This one is the fourth such fic I have worked on. The fics are completely unrelated, yet the exact same title keeps popping up. ‘Tis passing strange, it is.

This particular Twitanic is quite short in comparison to all of the others I’ve worked on, just a quick little oneshot to slake my thirst for this strange little side-fandom and give me a chance to wear my History Nerd hat. Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

Edward and Bella catch a ride on the Romantic Titanic for a Honeymoon right after the wedding in Breaking Dawn. They have a wonderful time till disaster strikes! Can Edward save Bella from the freezing Atlantic Ocean? Please R&R!

I don’t care if you tack “romantic” on to the name, if you call your cruise ship “Titanic” then you are just poking the hornets’ nest of fate with a sharp stick made of your own hubris. Unless this is the original Titanic, in which case – Wow. You aren’t do a very good job establishing the setting or time period, since the wreck and the wedding take place decades apart from each other and you’ve done nothing to link them together.

On to the fic!

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1101: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapters Eleven and Twelve

 

Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media:  Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda/Maury
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 11
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 12
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to more of this piece of shit fanfic.

*grumble*

Yeah, I’m not looking forward to see what other pieces of WTF craziness happen in this fic. It’s just… wow. This fucking fic.

*sigh*

Anyway, let’s not delay any further, yeah?

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1094: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapters Nine and Ten

Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media:  Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 9
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 10
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello once again, ladies and gents, and welcome back for more of the massive WTF fest that is FaCe ThE StRaNgE.

At this point, do I even need to go on these long-winded introductions?

But at this point? Fuck it. I think it’s time we started doing double-duty on installments. So yeah: fron here on out, I’m going to snark FaCe ThE StRaNgE as two chapters per installment. So yeah.

On with the story!

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1087: FaCe ThE StRaNgE – Chapters Seven and Eight

Title: FaCe ThE StRaNgE
Author: Dallas Philpott (A.K.A. Dally)
Media:  Books/Movies/Anime/Video Games/Comics
Topic: Harry Potter/Twilight/Yu-Yu Hakusho/Sonic the Hedgehog/X-Men/Naruto/Legend of Zelda/Maury
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 7
URL: FaCe ThE StRaNgE: Chapter 8
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hey ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back for more FaCe ThE StRaNgE.

*shudder*

So who else is willing to bet this shit fanfic is only gonna get more offensive as we go? Anyone?

Oh, all the hands are up, huh? Right, that about cements it.

*shudder*

Let’s just get going.

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