::strikes a pose and waits for applause::
Oh, none of you have any clue who I am, do you?
I’m Addicted Reader. I was a regular snarker here until life got in the way. But I finally finished digging, and now most of the shit has been moved out of the way.
I’m going to pick up where I left off with my biggest project yet, a 10-chapter “Snow White” fanfic from the “fairy tales” section. The chapters are short, though, which is why I decided to tackle it. Most of this snark was written way back when, I just finished the last few paragraphs just now. I haven’t looked at the rest of this fic in nearly 4 years though, so this should be a fun* journey of rediscovery.
*for a very twisted definition of “fun”
Here we go!
agig: Welcome back, everyone! I’m here with Hulk and Diesel, plus, I’d imagine, Monitor.
Hulk: *Nods his head* Hello.
Diesel: *Waves cheerfully* I brought equipment! *Points towards Wardroids sitting in the corner*
(Why did I have to get stuck with the Riffleet? Sentinel never has to deal with this shit. -Monitor)
(Shut it. I wrote you as the Gemini Riffleet Transcribing AI and you’re staying the Gemini Riffleet Transcribing AI. Oh, by the way, the bus just came back. -agig (the author)
agig: Wait, what?
Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Topic: Princess Mononoke
URL: Chapter 11
Critiqued by SC, Warchief Eltain, and Sir Paulo Rori
Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we all kind of just bitched about how terrible San’s upcoming attack is, both canonically and as far as this fic is concerned. Really, it’s awful – “I’ma launch my ass over the wall and carve my way through every single pissed off gunman until I get to my actual targets?” That might work in Assassin’s Creed, but you know, they’d at least try and be SNEAKY about it. For someone who was raised by wolves, San seems to be lacking in the stealth department.
Anyhow, so we’re here at part two of whatever of chapter eleven, and last time, I recall saying that I should invite the ancestor whose soul Ethan happens to be linked to into a riff… so I did! And he appreciates it just about as little as any of my other OCs.
Meet the ghost of Warchief Eltain:
You’ll note that he looks very similar to Ethan. Not hard to guess that they’re related, based on that alone.
:Syl saunters into the Riffing Chamber, kicks the door shut, and places a bottle of faintly glowing red liquid on the desk before throwing herself down in the chair. She tosses her tricorn hat onto the desk, leaning back in the chair and propping her bare feet up on the edge of the desk:
:Syl toasts the air with her bottle:
“I’m here all by myself today; strangely enough, Ghostie didn’t show up in the Library this morning. I’m sure she’ll turn up eventually, but until then my humble self will have to do.”
:Syl removes a sheaf of badly rumpled notes flecked with what could be dried blood from her vest:
“Luckily, I just happen to have Ghostie’s notes on hand.”
:flips through papers:
“Let’s see; last time, there were a couple of fights that I found incredibly dull so I didn’t pay a lot of attention to them, and everyone made their way to the least secret Secret Desert Base ever founded.” :continues flipping through papers, tossing a few over her shoulder: “That’s really all there was.”
:drinks deeply from bottle before coughing out a gout of blue smoke:
“Smooth. Now to find out what happens next in this mess.”
Title: Fire Emblem: ReAwaken
Media: Video Game
Topic: Fire Emblem
URL: Chapter 15
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck, Sura T’Lenya, and Crunchy Raptor
Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to Fire Emblem: ReAwaken. I’m Herr Wozzeck, and I’m joined here once again by Sura and Crunchy.
Sura T’Lenya: Let’s hope the Sith raptor is calm this time.
Crunchy: I have had two weeks to get over… that, asari. If I were not calm, I would ask you to tase me.
You wouldn’t, and you know it.
Crunchy: … Be quiet, parrot.
Whatever. Anyway, let’s dig in, shall we?
Welcome back to Wednesday, patrons! So, what happened last time? Well…
Pretty much just a trajek pity party for Noa. She runs from Rim Elm with her brother Cort, now a baby, to the Biron Monastery, where they live in security under the protection of Gala. But, due to BLUE, Noa is not able to stand living there, so she leaves for her canon destination of Jeremi. When she gets there, she’s adopted by some local residents who are canon characters from the game, but they’re barely mentioned in passing within the fic, so are ultimately unimportant. She lives happily for a year before her self-baked trajeky comes home to roost. Cort hasn’t grown during their year stay, and worse, the townspeople have suddenly, and from behind, started to hate her and Cort. Likely because BLUE has been spreading rumors behind her back. Noa and Cort flee from Jeremi with “hunters” hot on their tail. Stuff happens and eventually Noa settles down in a random cave near one of the game’s fishing holes. After a while, Cort starts aging backwards because of his exposure to the mist. The exact mechanism of how that works is none of our business. Eventually he reverts to a lump of flesh and dies, at which point Noa stacks rocks on top of him for two days.
Man, the fic sounds so much worse when you paraphrase the plot, doesn’t it?
Title: My Little Unicorn: Magic Is Believing
Author: Dakari-King Mykan
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by Erttheking
Ert: Is there any chance that we can fast forward to the part where Mykan gets racist, sexist and homophobic (Why homophobic and not homoist?) because him trying and failing to write a decent children’s cartoon is just getting a little stale.
Goeth: When you have something like Trapped you blow a gasket, when you have something like this you complain about how bored you are. There’s just no pleasing you is there?
Ert: Familiarity breeds contempt. Basically I just get tired of having to deal with the same thing after a while and I want things to be changed up a bit.
Goeth: Blah blah blah, you hate this job.
Ert: It can be taxing.
Up an in with a balloon
Nora: Well that makes total sense.
Ert: I’m struggling to even turn it into an innuendo, and it feels like it should be easy.
Titan was growing stronger thanks to energies that Mysterious brought back for him the last time, and he was busy testing it out in private.
Goeth: He went from “Unspecified,” to “Slightly higher than unspecified.” Gotcha.