2033: Friendship Is Something Or Other: The Covenant War — Chapter 3 Part One

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Friendship is Apparently Not In Fact Magic: The Covenant War.

Last time we were treated to a surprising amount of fuck all as the Battle Of Equestria raged in the background and Thel Va(n)damee sat around Covenant-occupied Manehattan angsting about war being hell (or, for him, war being mildly uncomfortable).

The ashes of the pony corpses were wreaking havoc on his thick coating of white foundation.

Meanwhile, the Mane Six dicked around in the general vicinity of Admiral Antivirus’s ship in the Everfree and finally made contact. Which required them to be blindfolded for some reason because apparently Admiral Antivirus is the LORD thy GOD or something and it is unsafe to look at him directly. We also got introduced to the rest of the UNSC command staff, namely Captain Ryan (who has an eyepatch and cybernetic arm because EDGE), Spartan Alex-201 (aka Spartan Red-and-Black, aka Edgelord Junior), and finally the chief NCO of the Marine and ODST complement… shit, what was his name?

Rhodes?

Yeah, and… wait, what was his title?

Staff… sergeant? Or was he a gunnery sergeant?

Yeah. That guy. Sergeant Rhodes. He was… forgettable.

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2027: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War — Chapter 2

Title: Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War
Author:  Dragonfang33
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Topic: Halo / My Little Pony
Genre: Adventure / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Friendship is Magic: the Covenant War.

Oh, lovely.

Previously we were introduced to the feared Sangheili Warrior Arbiter Naym ‘Lessocee (who is Thel ‘Va(n)damee’s semi-estranged brother because who needs to understand Sangheili culture when you can have cheap angst!).

Who needs to understand any cultures involved here when you can stir up bullshit dramatic tension?

Anyway, the two Super Covenant Bros managed to get their carrier Fist of Enlightenment severely damaged in an ambush with the UNSC Midway and its gallant commander, Admiral McAffee Antivirus Software, and make an emergency landing on a regular terrestrial planet

-You mean crash their damn carrier on a regular terrestrial planet-

that is somehow also the magical world of Equestria.

Princess Celestia decided to personally lead the peaceful first contact delegation, and for all intents and purposes got killed offscreen in the first few paragraphs.

And given what all is surrounding the nation of Equestria, the ponies have no reason to believe anything new is friendly. At least a first. And ol’ Sunbutt was killed in the narrative, just in the stupidest and most anticlimactic way possible.

Sadly no amount of proper caution would have saved them from Covenant omnicide here, because Dragonfang33 appears to have completely forgotten that the pony military, despite being equipped with relatively primitive bows and spears, is also capable of, you know, casting magic. That thing that’s in the subtitle of the show?

Yeah, apparently this is actually a crossover that earlier, less successful cartoon about varicolored talking horses, My Little Pony: Friendship Is.

Anyway, after that Luna got promoted to Queen, Shining Armor got promoted to Commander of the Equestrian Army after some random assclown named Leonegihus got himself and his forces wiped out, Admiral Antivirus landed his ship in the Everfree Forest, and the Mane Six got sent to investigate.

Oh yeah and Derpy is Rainbow Dash’s sister for some fucking reason.

I get the feeling a fucking reason is exactly why a lot of these changes were made, seeing as Dragonfang made sure to mention that there are exactly six Spartans onboard the Midway.

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1967: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Six

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Welcome back, dear patrons, to the sixth and final chapter of Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I, Book I, Act I, Part I!

“You are taking far too much enjoyment from that.”

Gotta get it where I can, right?

“Be mindful of your phrasing, I spotted the Portable Pornography Music Synthesizer parked just down the hall when we arrived.”

Noted.  Last time we finally had stuff happen!  Sort of.  Team evil shelled the Troggle village, killed most of them, and turned the rest into slaves.  I think.  There was mention of non-Force-sensitivity, but nothing was really done with it, so it’s possible there are some Darth Troggles wandering around now, or probably not.  It’s unlikely to become a thing either way because this is the last chapter and the author can’t even bring himself to have Team Evil and Team Designated Protagonists interact in any way.  Speaking of TDP, what they were up to last chapter was far less interesting.  In that they arrived at the pony village that they were already in, tormented one of the ponies for daring to question that they were aliens from outer space, and then decided to finally make their way over to the dance party.  It’s weird, but this chapter I hope they finally make it to the dance party so I can have some closure on it.

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1963: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Five

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to Shadow War Episode I, Part I, Book 2, Chapter 5, Subsection 27, Paragraphs c through q:l.

“Do not tempt the author with knowledge of finer-grained sectioning.”

Oof, good point.  Last time our resident Sith-bait Stu, Kennith, or whatever his name is, made landfall with his cohort of other forgettable, cut-and-paste characters.  They quickly stumbled upon one of the resident ponies of the area, swapped exposition, then headed off to join the dance party already in progress.  Meanwhile in orbit, Kaleb’s clone twin brother in everything except plot assignment waffled on about whether his hodgepodge fleet of 3,000 discount ships could possibly take on a single Jedi and his Celestial Uberwang.  Eventually he decides his fleet is no match, probably due to genre savviness more than anything else, and decides to try to search for help on the planet, which pretty much limits him to an alliance with the Smooze.

“Which none exposed to the section title ‘The Smooze Campaign’ could possibly have predicted.”

And since the Smooze are pretty limited in attack strategy to blorping all over everything, we can all expect some absolutely riveting combat scenes in our future.

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1958: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Four

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Hey, Patrons!  Welcome back to Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I, and you’re just in time to see the Celestial Uberwang penetrate deep into the Unknown Regions.

“Must you phrase it that way?”

Absolutely.  Want to handle the recap?

“Very well.  The Jedi boarded their compensation-class Star Destroyer while the Shadow Order landed the bouillabaisse army onto the pony homeworld in hopes of defeating the most overwhelming enemy imaginable:  The Spring Festival Dance Party.”

Sadly, the chapter was not nearly as interesting as that summary of it.  Anyway let’s see what’s in store for us this-

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1954: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Three

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Heyo, patrons!  Welcome back to another installment of ‘Shadow War’, the Star Wars fic where nothing happens and the characters don’t matter!  Crunchy is here again.

“You sound so pleased.”

Ecstatic.  Anyway, last time more long-winded nothing happened.

“I question whether you could consider that chapter long.”

Fine, more short-winded nothing happened.  The Cliff-notes of all the nothing is that Team Evil is landing their shit on the planet of Ponyland while Team Stu gathered a few juvenile recruits before being dispatched to explore what will coincidentally™ be the same exact planet that Team Evil is orbiting despite the region being nearly a third the size of the entire galaxy.

“Your Dickens would be proud.”

Compared to this, Dickens showed incredible restraint with his contrivances.  In any case, let’s get on with the show!

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1950: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Two

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Heyo, patrons, and welcome back!

“They must be delighted.”

No, I’m pretty sure they aren’t, this is “Shadow War,” after all.

“Yet, I am here to delight them.  So delighted they will be, provided they comprehend what is best for their well being.”

Don’t threaten the readers.  I would hate it if Jiwe would happen to find his way into Eliza’s emergency glitter reserve the next time you’re forced to watch him.

“You would not dare!”

Wouldn’t I?  I mean, I certainly would hate to inconvenience Markus with cleaning that up.

*Crunchy glowers menacingly at Taco*

“I believe my influence may have created something unsavory within you.  I would find that worth celebrating were it no so inconvenient.  We shall put aside this discussion for now as I believe it is time to recapitulate, yes?”

It would be, but nothing of note happened in the first chapter.

“You forget the introduction of the author insertion and his Awesome McEvil brother.  Ponyland was also briefly mentioned.”

As I said, nothing of note.

“Touché”

Anyway, let’s see what’s in store for us in chapter two!

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