Hello hello, all you patrons. Someone didn’t get their riff in on time again, so that means it’s time for more chatlogs riffing the worst of the worst (or at least the funniest of the worst) My Little Pony fanart scraped from the depths of the fansite Equestria Daily!
Ok, fine, some of it’s not necessarily bad in a qualitiative sense; some of it’s just baffling or has uncomfortable implications to be read into it. But worthy of snark, regardless.
The Garfield Story One-shot
Title: The Garfield Story
Author: ShakespeareHemmingway (yes that one)
Topic: Garfield/A Christmas Story
Critiqued By: Crazy Minh & Biskit
CZM: Captain’s log: Stardate 24356.52.3. I have just assumed command of the Starship Bongo after my riffing studio was unexpectedly blown to pieces in a tragic failure of a “completely routine chemical experiment” by a individual whose identity will remain unknown for the purposes of this log. We are now on a five month mission to the Fanfictium Nebula to conduct a…
Biskit: Captain Crazy sir! There’s a red thingy on the scopes!!!
CZM: Dear god. Don’t call me ‘Captain Crazy’ while we’re on duty. Afterwards, that’s perfectly fine. Status of the red-thingy?
Biskit: It appears to be a class-2 unmanned probe. It’s IFF identifies it as a message buoy sent from the Library Servers. Receiving our assignment data:
CZM: *reads mission briefing* FUCK! Oh nononononono!!! We are NOT doing this!!!
Biskit: Captain, may I remind you that you’re on probation right now? You don’t have the capacity to refuse given orders.
CZM: *sigh* Ok. On-screen.
*riff-of-the-day pops up on the main veiwer*
CZM: Hello patrons, and welcome to our guest review of ‘The Garfield Story’, a one-shot by the author who brought you ‘Garfield Effect: Galaxy Adventures’. I’m your captain and guest riffer Crazy Minh…
Biskit: …and I’m the First Officer and double-guest riffer Biskit.
Title: By Griffin Law
Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
Genre: Romance, Drama, and “Dark” (but it’s actually just porn)
URL: Chapter 1 and Chapter 2
Critiqued by: Serketry and AdmiralSakai
The ‘fic under review today contains highly explicit and bizarre sexual content and… just… ick.
It’s a cold November day in RIFFCON, and the lone janitor makes his rounds, switching on consoles and turning up the thermostat. Seeing another opening…
Morning y’all, I’m Serk- wait…
Why isn’t this working?
*AdmiralSakai wanders out of another room in a bathrobe and Rainbow Dash slippers and promptly trips over some errant JPEG artifacts*
What’s all this?
Dammit, I’m snopping wrong. Morning, sir.
And a fine morning to you as well!
It won’t be for long, we got another orphan on the scopes.
*Sees that it is By Griffin Law*
You had to go and pick this one, didn’t you?
I’m just working down the list.
Yeah, full disclosure, I’ve read this thing cover to cover already, and… well, I won’t say it’s my least favorite clopfic, although I’m not really sure what my least favorite clopfic is since the stories I hate the most aren’t clearly for porn but rather grimdark or edgy ‘fics with a lot of sexual content in them, but…
So it’s tied for least favorite?
Yeah let’s just go with that.
[We’re trying to get back into the swing of putting up filler posts on off-days. Lyle will be back shortly, but for the moment we’re still working on formatting everybody’s guest riffs and we’ve got nothing for today, so here’s something that’s been in the drafts folder for a while. – BatJamags]
Hello hello all you patrons! If you’re seeing this, it means that one of the other Librarians (probably some disorganized sod who doesn’t schedule their riffs two weeks to a year in advance) has nothing to present today, so instead you are getting the highlights (or lowlights, depending on your point of view) of Serketry’s and my nightly chatlogs riffing pretty-much-randomly-assorted My Little Pony fanart, edited and reformatted for clarity.
Oh, for the love of fuck. “Hey, I’ll riff this stupid crossover,” I said. “It’ll be short and funny,” I said. “Oh, I’m sure it won’t trot out rape as a generic trajek backstory,” I said. Well, I didn’t actually say the last one, but I would’ve been wrong as fuck if I did, and now I have to put a warning up here. Thanks, fic.
Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m going to have to be the bearer of bad news. You may have all thought you were safe, but you were wrong.
Title: Worlds collide (Haloween Special)
Media: Video Game / Cartoon
Genre: Horror / Adventure / Holiday
URL: Worlds collide (Haloween Special)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy
Heyo, patrons! Welcome to another Haloween special!
“I suspect you are doing this on purpose.”
You would be correct. This week we’ll be tackling a Pokémon fic based on, best as I can tell, the game and not the Anime series. It’s really not clear as it seems the author may have borrowed from both sources; however, since we’ve already covered some of this canon previously in the Library, and the canon absolutely doesn’t matter for this fic, no info dump for you! That said, if you’re not familiar with the characters, I’ll toss up some reference links as they show up, which will mostly be in the summary.
“Is this that thing with all those odious little creatures.”
Yup! Let’s take a peek at that summary right now.
A short one-shot following Dawn and Lucas in the distorted dimension, being pursued by the terrifying Giratina.
As I mentioned, most of the characters are listed in the summary. This fic is in the fourth generation of Pokémon and features Dawn and Lucas, who serve as the player avatars in those games. Giratina is the primary legendary Pokémon of the fourth generation and is one of the three Pokémon responsible for managing the universe. Shortly after it was created, Giratina was banished to the Distortion World because it’s a violent little asshole.
Will they survive the harsh conditions?
Snow on Halloween? I forgot how much the weather sucks in the Distortion World.
More importantly, will their Pokemon survive?
In all fairness, the Pokemon generally have more personality than any of the characters in both the game and Anime, so I’ll let it slide that their survival is considered the more important thing here.
“They do not die.”
Well, they don’t die on screen, anyway.
Rated T for SPOOP!
*Crunchy rubs his forehead*
“You cannot fathom my delight at this moment. You may as well get it out of your system.”
“I deeply despise whomever created that video.”
The second pasta under review today includes scenes of pointless gore and gratuitous torture. While not at all scary, those patrons with sensitive stomachs may not want to read it over lunch.
Hello hello, all you patrons! Tune up your eerie banjos and keep on the lookout for files containing suspicious binary, because it’s time once again for
“You know, Sakai, I just noticed we’ve never actually riffed a ‘theory’ pasta on this thing, even though they’re a deep, rich well of terrible ideas.”
You know what? You’re right.
As the name implies, ‘theory’ pastas are speculative or hypothetical in nature, which could allow writers the freedom to address more abstract and existential horror topics but in practice pretty much just absolves them of the requirement of making even the Creepypasta Wiki’s usual limited amount of sense or including any sort of coherent plot progression to frame their pretentious pseudo-philosophical ramblings. Possibly the most famous manifestation of ‘theory’ pastas is (1) the ‘some cherished 90s kids medium has darker implications’ theory-
“- Including the ever-popular ‘the main character’s dying, comatose, or insane and just hallucinating everything’ claim -“
– although (2) the ‘some IRL event has a darker or supernatural explanation’ theory –
” -even if we already know pretty much what did happen and it’s just humans being humans-“
– and (3) pastas that speculate what would happen if some improbable horrible event happened instead of just writing a narrative describing it happen –
“- but why even would it happen -“
-and of course (4) just pointless empty philosophizing are also common.
“Oh of course!”
Today’s first pasta, The God Theory is mostly of the second variety, although it certainly also contains a hefty dollop of Number Four.