1786: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Six

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by Angie

*mumbling* Something something Brego’s Mistress something something Léofe something something. Let’s read.

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1776: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu – Chapter 2

Title: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu
Author: William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Media: Books
Topic: H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
Genre: Horror/Supernatural
URL:  Chapter 2
Critiqued by
: AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons!

Today we return with more of Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu, William Ungerstein Fmergio’s disastrous attempt to turn H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos into a high-school AU.

Yes.

Really.”

Last time we were introduced to Popo Spawn-of-Cthulhu-the-Cancerous-Tentacled-Blemish-on-the-Cosmos-Birther-of-Maggots-and-Vermin, a high-school girl who is somehow also the direct biological offspring of a building-sized Great Old One. She managed to starve herself to death in the middle of a populated city after her parents went on vacation and somehow transferred their mortgage into her name…

… and was promptly somehow resurrected by Great Cthulhu to serve as His ‘champion’ in a ‘war’ with basically every other inhabitant of the Mythos (which would be fought entirely by solo human representatives because apparently the Great Old Ones suddenly care about the Prime Directive for some glubbing reason).”

This resulted in her increasing a cup size and her hair turning green. That’s literally it.

So she went back to her human secondary school and basically continued business as glubbing usual, although she also tried to look up Great Cthulhu in the library and can’t find anything until another young female named Hanako pointed her directly to the works of H. P. Lovecraft himself (whose existence inside what me and the other Mythos types call ‘reality’ still makes my head hurt). A little later Hanako turned into some sort of cross-between-a-Deep-One-and-a-Black-Sabbath-album-cover thing and tried to strangle Popo to death in the name of Father Dagon. I for one was completely onboard with that, but then Hanako got killed by some other girl named Natasha who used the plague-based (?) powers given to her by Nyarlathotep to climb out of Hanako’s shadow and dissolve her where she stood.”

And if any of this sounds actually interesting to you, just imagine it being related in prose more appropriate for the troubleshooting manual of a cordless drill.

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1774: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Five

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Five
Critiqued by Angie

Howdy, patrons!

Brego’s Mistress, leggo!

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1770: Popo, Star Spawn of Cthulhu- Chapter 1

Title: Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu
Author: William Ungerstein Fmerigo
Media: Books
Topic: H. P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos
Genre: Horror/Supernatural
URL:  Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome to my first riff as an official member of the Library of the Damned!

Good for… you, I guess. But if this doesn’t mean you’re finally going to write my cameo into Y’ha-nth’lei Minute like you promised, I really can’t be bothered to give a flying glub.”

You know, there are other characters in the UNITYverse aside from yourself…

Pffffff.”

Well, a few days ago I confirmed that there is indeed a ‘Cthulhu Mythos’ section to fanfiction.net, and it’s… well, really about what you’d expect. The status of H.P. Lovecraft’s mythos as one of the earliest formal ‘shared’ canons that any writer could contribute to, coupled with a writing style that was… well, both very distinctive and kind of formulaic has guaranteed the existence of droves of solidly OK superficial imitators.

And then there’s this story, by William Ung… *squints at username and tries to find the vowels* umm… William. I give you “Popo, Star-Spawn of Cthulhu”.

Hmm.

Actually, that makes a fair amount of sense.

Wrong Popo, buddy.”

Oh.

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1760: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Four

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by Angie

I’m too harsh on fanfiction. You know? I, uh…it’s just been a really really weird year full of a lot really weird fanfiction.

Let’s just…let’s just get into another chapter with no plot of Brego’s Mistress.

*coughs, hacks*

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1748: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Angie

Hey guys, gals and non binary pals! My name is Angie, and today we’re venturing through the final bit of chapter three of Brego’s Mistress.

Yay?

I can’t even pretend that this is going to be a pleasant experience. Sit back, let’s see.

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1742: Celebrian – Part Ten

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Celebrian
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains no rape for once. Unfortunately, it does involve random bestiality and some of the most atrocious body horror you’ve likely ever seen described on purpose, which may result in extreme dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, and a lifelong aversion to ice cream. Yes, ice cream. Those of you who have seen 2 Girls 1 Cup are probably the only people prepared for this. Those of you who have not seen the aforementioned video are first advised not to look it up if you ever wish to eat again; furthermore, such persons will need to trade their complimentary Fic Sickness Bags™ for equally complimentary Fic Sickness Barrels™, both of which have been provided to us courtesy of the PCC. In case of extreme aversion to the impending body horror and character bastardization, please proceed in a shrieking, disorganized mob to your nearest fire escape.

This riff also involves descriptions of severe bodily injury. ***

(*Lyle walks in, glances at the schedule for the day, and nopes her way right back out of the riff chamber*)

[The narration would like to introduce all of you to–]

Kitty: Shut up and set the scene, you rampaging ball of ass.

[The narration smugly lays out the scene: The blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals have been washed and rearranged so that they take up only one portion of the Booth – namely, Kitty’s half. The other half is back to normal, and occupied by Kitty’s guest riffer for this week, who lounges in one of the available chairs looking artfully bored.]

Guest Riffer: Thank you, narration. I think you can go now.

[The narration makes an exit until it is needed again.]

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