1928: better season 5 end — Part 5

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3, who may or may not be Dakari King Mykan, and/or Caliborn from Homestuck
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end‘s… umm… end.

Last time Starlight Glimmer, freshly minted as N I G H T M A R E M O O N’s new apprentice, payed a visit to Twitlight Sparkle in her cell and got really torn up about ripping the DUMMENSHINAL TRAVIL scroll in half even though N I G H T M A R E M O O N was actively assisting her in making a replacement for it. Twitlight responded to this by angsting, dreaming about the Element Bearers and thereby giving away their location to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, angsting some more, and then finally angsting. That… was literally about it. We just left off as she was being led out of her cell by a N I G H T M A R E Guard, through the improbably-nearby town of Ponyville, and to a large platform set up in the middle of a public square which is clearly, obviously, and totally not meant for her execution.

Will Starlight Glimmer’s apprenticeship deliver her into her longed-for life of fast carriages, fast stallions, and rich, chunky revenge, or will she instantly be redeemed in the last fifth of the story for no good reason just like Mycan’t claims happened in the original show?

Will Twitlight Sparkle put into reality her vision of an inter-DUMMENSHINAL door-to-door friendship proslytization church, or will she completely dissolve into a puddle of thin, sorrowful gruel?

Will N I G H T M A R E M O O N ever actually get around to running Equestria, or will she just continue to recount the events of every episode of Season 1?

Will any of the rest of the main cast actually fucking show up in this story?

And will Mycan’t realize this was originally supposed to be a 44-minute TV-Y rated television show?
Find out on this, the final… umm… segment, I guess… of better season 5 end.

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1921: better season 5 end — Part 4

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Cutie Remark as told by Dakari King Mycan’t!

Glad to be back.

Last time… well, not a whole lot actually happened other than Twitlight and Starlight being locked in a cell together so that the former could evangelize to the latter about The Power of Friendship (and also the events of most of the pilot episode of the show for some reason).

And then for fairly obvious reasons Starlight decided it was better serve in heaven than rule in rich, chunky exposition hell-

-and decided to sell out Twitlight to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, seeing as Twitlight’s strategy of building up a rapport with the other unicorn by being really fucking annoying all the time was going nowhere. We just left off as M O O N and Starlight (good GOD that sounds like a ship-name) were headed off to the remnants of the Canterlot Library so that Starlight could show her new mentor how the dimension-hopping scroll she found works.

Wait, doesn’t N I G H T M A R E M O O N have the dimension-hopping scroll from her home dimension? Why doesn’t that work? I mean sure, it’s in code, but Starlight wrote the code and can translate it back.

If this was a better ‘fic I’d say it was because Starlight was faking her betrayal in order to lead N I G H T M A R E M O O N away from the castle and give Twitlight a chance to grab either the original encrypted copy or the Elements of Harmony, but thanks to {THE ENDLESS INTERNAL MONOLOGING EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER DOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME} we know that nothing so clever is actually being attempted and Starlight is completely on the level (and also seems to have a bat-pony fetish for some reason, if her sudden display of romantic interest in the guards pulling their carriage is any indication).

Huh! Knowing a pony’s inner thoughts makes them seem less intelligent. How ‘about that?

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1915: better season 5 end — Part 3

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello, all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end, Dakari King Mycan’t’s attempt to strip out everything that was actually impressive or visually interesting about the Season 5 finale of My Little Pony.

Last time, Twitlight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer spent way, way, way too much time doddling around what turned out to be an alternate Equestria ruled by N I G H T M A R E M O O N, queen of evil laughter, sneering at each other and failing to figure out where they were or what was going on. Then some Lunar Guards (N I G H T M A R E Guards?) showed up and made off with the scroll that was their only ticket home, and the two timeDUMMENSHIN travelers promptly followed them right to her castle. N I G H T M A R E M O O N kicked their asses, confiscated the scroll, and locked them in the kinky bondage dungeon… but not without first filling up another scene or two with even more explanation of THINGS WE ALREADY KNOW.

We’re three parts into this, and something just hit me: Mycan’t never told us his mission statement. We know he wants to improve the script, but he never told us how. What was wrong with the original that needed correcting? We’ve been inferring that he wanted a less powerful Starlight, more talky bits up front, more N I G H T M A R E M O O N and evidently much less of the other timelines-

-like, none

– but, again, those are only guesses. We have no idea what the author wants to tell us, and that’s one of the most fundamental flaws in literature a writer can ever make.

I mean, he has a blog, but it’s all just ranty lectures about time travel and multiverse theory interrupted by a section on Undertale for some odd reason.

Ohhhh, I know what he wants to tell us:

Rich, chunky exposition.

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1910: better season 5 end — Part 2

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons!

I’d say it’s good to be back, but, no. It’s never good to be back. Not here.

And welcome back to better season 5 end, the single best episode(s) of My Little Pony as re-imagined by Dakari King Mykan.

Actually, Mykan could at least remember to use capital letters without an editor. This guy is Dakari King Mycan’t.

Last time we were treated to Mycan’t’s treatment of… well, nothing but the opening scene of the Season 5 end, apparently. And the reason why it was only the very first scene was because apparently to Mycan’t ‘better’ means ‘filled to the brim with lots and lots of rich, chunky exposition’.

And scenes stolen from the end of the original episode to pad out the beginning.

Also, to sum up the changes to characterization:

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On the left is canon Twilight losing her shit. On the right is Mycan’t’s interpretation of the character, being shit.

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1905: better season 5 end — Infodump and Part 1

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons!

Lone Wolf is really starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth as I ponder more and more the question of its author’s relationship with objective reality, so I’ve decided to reenlist Serketry, my companion in all things My Little Pony, to wade through the seedy underbelly of bronydom that is fimfiction.net and see what I could find.

Howdy, everyone, glad to be back! Uh, well, I was, before I learned what we’d be… reviewing…

Namely that what I could find, as it turned out, was a ‘fic called “better season 5 end”[sic] by someone or something called iamli3.

Which, oddly enough, we reviewed the same weekend the Season 7 finale came out.

season 5’s ending was bad , i made it better….

What.

Calm down, I’m assuming he just was unable to properly type ‘season 5’s ending was badass’.

But I’m pretty sure the only way the My Little Pony Season 5 finale could be made better is if Ronnie James Dio and Till Linderman descended bodily from their blazing thrones atop the highest summit of Metal Heaven in a flying golden battleship piloted by Dog-Tier Jade Harley to anoint it with the tears shed by Wikus Van Der Merwe in the penultimate scene of District 9.

Or if it had Dragonlord Ember in it, because come on.

 

4/10, needed more Discord

 

Or DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Sie ist die hellste Stern von allen… wird sie nicht von Himmel fallen?

Because everything’s better with DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Including DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR herself.

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Hell, the episode even included an implied DAAAAAYBREAKARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR when she hadn’t even been seen yet. But now we’re entering pure speculation.

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1900: It Started with That Girl – Oneshot

Title:  It Started with That Girl
Author:  sheaflower98
Media: Cartoon
Topic: Tom and Jerry
Genre: Drama/Humor
URL: It Started With That Girl
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hello and welcome back!  Originally I was going to feature some of the Thomas the Tank Engine smut I found, but decided against it.  There’s only so much homosexual train sex I can subject you all to, so I think some things are better off never bringing to light.

Well, at least not until next week, anyway.

So, in lieu of of getting to see Thomas getting railed by Diesel Ten, I’ve brought you the Tom and Jerry fic “It Started With That Girl.”  That Girl is probably GirlWoman, so we’re all very excited.

I mean, she is most definitely not a Sue, right!?

Layla. Layla Katherine Munson.

Right?

She’s an odd one. She stands up for Mouse/Cat friendship.

… right?  Please?

She eats fish and cheese.

I suppose that’s better than the damn panda who keeps shooting up our bar.

What else? Oh, yeah. She’s half cat and half mouse.

Well shit.

Eventual Tom/Jerry.

Of course.  You can’t have a Tom and Jerry fic without those two going on a homosexual romp, right?  Not to say that there’s anything wrong with a homosexual romp, but Tom is like ten-times the size of Jerry.  The logistics are both unlikely and/or extremely painful from Jerry’s end of things.

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1883: Rage, Burning Bright

Title: Rage, Burning Bright
Author:  Machina Super Monstrum
Media: Video Game
Topic: Warframe
Genre: Drama/Angst
URL: Rage, Burning Bright
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey folks, welcome to another Taco Wednesday!  Yeah, that’s right,  I don’t have to bend to your trendy alliteration!

This week I’ve got a new source material for you all: Warframe.  For the uninitiated, Warframe is a free-to-play game where you essentially get to be a futuristic space ninja called a Tenno whose consciousness controls futuristic suits of power armor called warframes.  The actual plot of the game takes a pretty hefty backseat to the gameplay and exists mostly as lore that you can dig up from the in-game Codex. Warframe somewhat oldschool in that regard, so I don’t have much in the way of an infodump for you all.  And, in fact, this fic exists pretty well apart from any canon plot.  The bare-bones of the plot is that centuries ago the Orokin controlled the Sol solar system and tried to expand to the Tau system.  This pissed off the Sentients, a machine race that were already living there, which kicked off a massive war.  Many atrocities later, which included unleashing the Infestation, the Orokin eventually learned to tap into void energy in order to create Warframes piloted by the Tenno.  These warframes were eventually able to push back the Sentients, who had been winning the war, retake all their territory, and eventually crush them.  In their last-ditch effort to avoid complete extermination, the Sentients unleashed Natah who took control of the warframes and turned them back against the Orokin.  This left both empires essentially destroyed and the war ended.  At this point Natah was supposed to destroy the warframes to complete her mission, but as she had grown an affection for them, instead placed them in stasis.

Centuries later the Sol system has become divided by two rivaling factions: The Grineer, the ancient military slave-race of the Orokin, and the Corpus, a merchant faction based around technological research and trade.  At this point both the Grineer and Corpus begin to “dig too deep” for the ancient technologies.  The Grineer, in their attempts to capture the weapons of Orokin, inadvertently begin an awakening of the Warframes, who, under the direction of Lotus, forcibly take up a position of balance and peace keepers between the two factions.  Meanwhile, the Corpus begin to experiment with the remnants of the Infestation, which had previously been battled back into a state of quasi-dormancy by the Grineer.  These experiments rather predictably end with them unleashing a brand-new full-blown Infestation. This quickly catches Lotus’s attention and she sends the Warframes in to investigate and start to work on fighting back the rising tide of infested.

As for the game itself, I’d call it among the best free-to-play games currently out there.  The game’s model allows access to the vast majority of content without requiring any purchase, with all of the things absolutely requiring money being aesthetic in nature.  There IS a premium currency that’s primarily used to unlock extra equipment storage, speed up farming, or buy more aesthetics, but the game allows it to be traded for items, so those who don’t want to spend any of their own money can farm up some sought-after equipment and trade players whose wallets are a bit looser.  It helps that the game itself is also pretty damn fun, provided that jumping around like a cocaine-fueled rhesus monkey while spraying bullets everywhere and hitting things with a giant axe fits your description of fun.  It certainly fits mine.

And that’s way more than you really need to know for this fic.  The fic is “Rage, Burning Bright,” and if that mega-edgelord title is anything to go by, we may as well queue up all the Linkin Park and Evanescence songs right now.

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