2015: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapter 10

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

-WARNING-
Today’s chapter contains potential flamebait in the form of repeated invocation of Nazis. No actual Nazis ever appear, but flamebait nonetheless.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the last chapter of the ‘fic formerly known as Velocius et Fortius.

Previously, we were treated to a whole bunch of goddamn filler as basically all of the ground team dicked around inside that one training facility on Earth’s Moon that has the crazy AI and all of the drones in it. Bad jokes were made, Tali killed a bunch of drones with one shot in a combat scene that may as well have had the Monty Python intermission theme playing over it, and Shepard’s biotic aura turned green for reasons that I’m a little bit afraid actually will be explained later on.

And that gets us to Chapter 10.” Read the rest of this entry »

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2001: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapters 5 and 6

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 5 and Chapter 6
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the ‘fic formerly known as Velocius et Fortius.

Last time we got introduced to Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor on some sort of vague Cerberus business stopping a Batarian plot to blow up an embassy or whatever on the Citadel. This expanded to involve Nikita Chruscov as well, who apparently has some sort of Angsty Backstory with Shepard and that Sonia Dracgul lady and also some dead guy named Nikolai. Oh yeah, and Shepard also rescued Liara from Therum in extremely flashy yet boring fashion, had a pre-shipping conversation with Kaiden Alenko, and is now meeting up with her mother Hannah during a refueling stop with the frigate Kilimanjaro. Given that Shepard has both the gang and military-brat origin stories here, this looks to produce even more angst.

Also, in case you missed it on last week’s riff, ChaosSpartan actually responded to the review I left on the ‘fic and acknowledged its flaws and basically gave every indication of having matured a lot since this was published. So good on him.

Read the rest of this entry »


1996: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapter 4

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the ‘fic formerly known as Velocitus et Fortius.

Previously, a whole lot of Mass Effect 1 went down, and we got to sit through far too much of it with basically no changes- namely, Saren attacked Eden Prime and killed Nihlus while Shepard teamed up with Kaiden, Ashley, Garrus, Wrex, and probably Tali. On Omega, we were then introduced to Kai Leng, who in this reality is a young boy named Vladimir Leng and is the grandson of Vlad the Impaler (yes, really) and likes to torture krogan with knives in the middle of the street for funsies and is in deep with that silly humans-only ‘Dark Suns’ mercenary group.

Oh yeah, and also the Alliance recruits child soldiers, their Marine Corps outfits every one of its combat troops with random bladed weapons ranging from katanas to war-axes, Shepard is a direct descendant of Leif Eriksson (and the ‘fic expects us to Care for some reason), and humans in this world have the ability to engage some sort of berserker super-rage-mode in addition to their super-strength, super-longevity, and super-ESP.

And if you’re wondering just what any of this has to do with mammoths getting bigger, you are in very good company.

I’m just wondering how any of this species managed to survive long enough to invent firearms.”

Read the rest of this entry »


1991: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapter 3

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the ‘fic that was at some point in the distant past known simply as Velocius et Fortius.

Previously, our good buddy the five-hundred-year-old female diplomat Nikita Chruscov of Russia Clan unloaded a whole lot of exposition we already read about in Chapter One to Councilor Tevos, including a conflict called ‘the Three Thousand Year War’ which has something-or-other to do with the abolition of slavery, something-else-or-other to do with that weird stoner religion everyone practices, and also somethinger-or-otherer to do with this ‘mercenary group’ called the Dark Stars and/or Dark Suns that has existed way back into history and has both Chruscov, Jane Shepard, and some other random ripoff Russian named Natasha Chekhov (yes, really) as high-ranking members.

The humans managed to get the batarians to leave the Citadel Council, which resulted in the batarians immediately raiding Elysium and the Council doing fuck-all to intervene on behalf of its most belligerent and annoying associate species (gosh, I wonder why?). This in turn gave Shepard the chance to run around and flare her biotics a bunch and cut batarians apart with dual katanas and chase somebody named Staysor Bgout onto a landing craft while Mordin Solus and some STG guys covertly observed. Oh yes, and Shepard came to Elysium to unwind after losing her squad on Akuze, which means ChaosSpartan575 is having the Sole Survivor and War Hero backgrounds happen to the same person back-to-back. And I’m sure he’s going to try to cram the Butcher of Torfan in there too.

Also, humans have ESP (they call it ‘battlesense’), and biotics have been around since the 14th century.

Oh yeah, and Balak is also around somewhere.

Sakai?”

Mmmm?

Is it just me, or does all of that make, like, no sense at all?”

Read the rest of this entry »


1985: Velocius et Fortius — Chapter 2

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to… whatever the fuck this Velocitus et Fortius’ thing is supposed to actually be.

Last time, we were given a capsule history of this author’s idea of a ‘better’ human species, which evolved to grow seven feet tall, live two-thousand-plus years, and be able to beat the krogan in an arm-wrestling match because during the Ice Age mammoths didn’t go extinct. We also got a brief whirlwind tour of the vaguely Mandalorian-derived ‘warrior culture’ that came out of this, which involves a hatred of sloths, a single global religion called ‘the Great Mother’ that demands constant warfare for no real reason, and a series of continent-based ‘clans’ that seem to contribute nothing that would be necessary to maintain a spacefaring economy (although ‘Africa Clan’ does have blood diamonds, Russia Clan does have beautiful Siberian retirement gulags, and China Clan does have amber waves of dope).

After that, we got treated to the First Contact War pretty much as canon –

All five days of it, too.”

– before being introduced to Nikita Chruscov, who in this reality is a 500-year-old female diplomat sent to negotiate peace with the Council and not the reformist male premier of the Soviet Union from 1958 to 1964 (or possibly both things, I really have no idea). During the course of the peace talks it was reveled that the entire Council was somehow allied with the Batarian Hegemony (!) and just in general that the humans are militaristic dicks to everyone. Oh yeah, and there was this high priestess named Aela (another really original name there) who was stoned all the time and recited some bad emo poetry, but even by the standards of this ‘fic she really doesn’t seem especially relevant.

Read the rest of this entry »


1982: Velocius et Fortius — Chapter 1

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

Hello hello all you patrons!

I wasn’t going to do another Mass Effect Gary Stumanity ‘fic because we literally just did one of those and I already had Serketry lined up to help me out with an MLP/Halo crossover by dragonfang33 of Star Wars: The Shadow War Episode 1 fame.

But then, I found this in the favorites list of a guy who left a dumb review on Semper Vigilo.

I read the summary.

I thought it was an over-the-top parody ‘fic like The Overpowered humans that might be worth riffing at some point in the distant future as a lesson in how not to do camp and satire.

Then I realized the author was serious.

Read the rest of this entry »


1981: Ash and Arceus: Ash’s Revenge

Title: Ash and Arceus
Author: terminalvelocityrunner
Media: Video Games
Topic: Pokemon
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Ash and Arceus: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

DISCLAIMER: The fanfic being snarked contains a scene of sexual intercourse: thus, this snarking is rated Not Safe For Work. Read at your own discretion!

Hey guys! It’s your boy Herr Wozzeck, and I am back from another brief hiatus that was spent figuring out my next career moves! Now that I’m mostly out of the real thick of it, though, I can concentrate on other things. Like writing. And riffing. And maybe wondering what in the hell some people were thinking trying to give us shit.

See, we got a comment on one of our older riffs recently: this one, to be precise. And in this comment, they said this:

I’m pretty damn sure I can’t find this because of you. Nice job. Now maybe I should go and criticize some of your own fics. Fanfiction is just people trying to live out personal fantasies or wishes for a series in the only way they know how. They aren’t here so you can make rude coments on the author or their work that they took time out of their life to write and post for others to see and enjoy. Sure it’s funny…but it might just be painful for the one who wrote it.

And they decided to log themselves in as “An anonymous writer on Fanfiction.net”. So, you know, you would think “hm, maybe the author decided to hop in and leave an anonymous bitchy comment because reasons”. I mean, it seems to fill in all the check boxes, right? The timing is about right, the tone is about right… everything about it seems to make sense. So in our author’s mind, “anonymous writer” would make sense to hide their identity, right? Because why risk outing yourself as someone when you can come up with a new username? Hey, it worked for Jedi Qui-Gon, why not here?

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