2177: Slasher Oneshot Marathon!

Title: The texas chainsaw massacre: once again; The Real Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween: Death Comes Calling; Fiery Passion; New masked killer; Murder from Scream
Author: doctorwhofan123456789; G.I. Joe Adventure Team; KLeslie; bloodyrose2014; Droids Boys; MeLoNa05
Media: Film
Topic: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre; Halloween; A Nightmare on Elm Street; Scream; Scream
Genre: Horror / Drama; Crime / Horror; Horror / Romance; Romance / Horror; Horror / Drama; Horror / Poetry
URL: The texas chainsaw massacre: once againThe Real Texas Chainsaw MassacreHalloween: Death Comes CallingFiery PassionNew masked killerMurder from Scream
Critiqued by BatJamags (and Spider-Man)

A little game for the reader: By the end of the riff, guess which YouTube channel I’ve been watching a lot of recently.

Also, when I say “marathon,” I mean it. This is long, but I was having way too much fun to cut it down. Just thought I’d let you know ahead of time. Seriously, though, it’s about three times as long as my normal riffs.

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back.

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to Man. It is a dimension as vast as the author’s note to My Inner Life, and as timesquiggly as My Immortal. It is the middle ground between light and Edgelord, between thermal radiation and BLUE; and it lies between the pit of a riffer’s fears and the summit of his anger. This is the dimension of bad horror oneshots. It is an area which we call… the Badfic Zone.

Respectfully submitted for your derision: A cavalcade of spooky, scary, and quite possibly skeletal oneshots from a wide selection of horror films!

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2152: THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS – Chapter One

Title: THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS
Author: Addicted2greatness
Media: Comic
Topic: Iron Man
Genre: Romance/Drama
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued By: Crazy Minh

CZM: Hello readers, and welcome to the guest review of ‘THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS’ by Addicted2greatness. While this story isn’t…terrible.

Biskit: It’s pretty terrible Minh…

CZM: Oh shut up…I should probably introduce myself and my fellow reviewer before I go any further. My name is Crazy Minh, and I’ve written a number of stories on Fanfiction. I’m not that ‘well known’ among the community of fanfiction authors…wait, is there a community??

Biskit: Don’t know, might care a bit.

CZM: In any case, I’ve got a bit of experience with writing. Like many authors, I also have some skeletons in the closet, in the form of my stories Depths of the Night and Borderlands: The Post Sequel

Biskit: You spent three days squeezing me in your hand over the rewrites for those stories. Also, you haven’t introduced me yet…

CZM: I was just getting to that. My fellow reviewer is Biskit, who in reality is the small stuffed toy who sits on the edge of my desk and stares at me when I’m writing something terrible. You know how every writer has (or should have) that little nagging voice that tells them when they should not be writing something…yeah, now that I think about that…people really don’t all have someone like you, Bisk. Just from the fact that this site exists. I think some authors have really bad internal critics.

Biskit: One: Don’t call me ‘Bisk’. Two: you’re totally right. But this fic is still terrible.

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2143: Margo Warrior – A Retrospective

Title: Margo Warrior, and White Eagle
Author: IllaRouge
Media: Shared RP Universe
Topic: Furry Basketball Association
Genre: Uh… Character Bio/Drama?
URL: Bio, San Jose Thrust Interview, and White Eagle
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to more Library snarks of bad FBA characters.

And man, do I really have it in for this person in particular. Lizzimba, KZ, and Trivol were all toxic enough, but honestly, they’re small potatoes compared to IllaRouge. As is usual with my disclaimers here, I had a previous relationship with IllaRouge, and for a while, it was actually pretty friendly. I even offered her the friend card at one point.

Of course, I revoked that pretty fast when events transpired that led me to find out that, behind the scenes, she’s an arrogant bully with an inflated sense of her own abilities. It’s actually kinda personal, but hey, one thing at a time: I’ll be talking about what happened next week, but let’s just say that Illa really should have thought twice before fucking with my friends the way she did.

Anyway, we’re going to talk about one of her characters. And this is… this is gonna take a while. So let’s get going on our stop to Bad Representation Land!

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2136: Fight Story – Chapter 1 (Older Version)

Title: Untitled (eventually called “Fight Story” in a subsequent revision)
Author: Trivol McKenley/StrykerFox
Media: Shared RP Universe
Topic: Furry Basketball Association
Genre: Drama/Crime
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello folks, and welcome back to the Library.

Today’s offering is… weird. Of course, you all notice that Trivol/Stryker is the guy that we talked about last week in the Flattening of Victor Vos. So that’s important to note for that.

What you may be slightly more confused about is the fact that I’m still considering today’s offering fanfiction. You look at the story itself, you’ll notice it’s technically worded like an original story. The problem is, it both is and isn’t: it’s an original story in that it’s all its own original MMA deal.

However, there are two very important somethings that keep it from being so. Or rather, two very important someones, both who started life as FBA characters, and who Trivol wound up renaming so he could have his cake and eat it too.

How do they figure into this? Well, let’s dive into his adventures in “original” fiction and find out!

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2130: The Flattening of Victor Vos

Title: Furballer Vol. 6, Issue 43, Page 19, and Hero
Author: Buck Hopper/Carrizo Kitfox, and Trivol McKenley/StrykerFox
Media: Shared RP Universe
Topic: Furry Basketball Association
Genre: Journalism Piece and Drama/Romance
URL: Furballer Vol. 6, Issue 43, Page 19 and Hero
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to me bitching about more bad writers in the context of the FBA. Y’all know the score with Lizzimba and KZ, but we’ve got more where they came from.

But… well, today’s flavor of bad is a decidedly different variety of bad from what you usually see in the Library. What if I told you that today’s variety of bad was not of the “oh God, this is fundamentally bad from the start”, but rather “someone gradually screwed the pooch on this one” bad. And that’s a flavor of bad I’ve only seen in the FBA, and with two characters in particular.

See, sometimes as older contributors leave, they leave characters behind. And sometimes, when those characters get left behind, they switch hands. Sometimes, this doesn’t result in too much of a downgrade. But when it does result in a downgrade… Hoo boy, does it get bad!

And in this case, it got really bad, although there’s one really fucked up bit about it that makes me think about this one specifically. But, I will get to that when I get to it. For now, what happens when you take a character with a really well-beloved status in the FBA, and turn him into a generic slashfic love interest?

Well, you get Victor Vos. So let’s get started.

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2044: Unity — Oneshot

Title: Unity
Author:  Demonic Dragon
Media: Cartoon
Topic: My Little Pony
Genre: Romance / “Sad” / “Slice of Life”
URL: The Whole Shebang
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Serketry

-WARNING-

The ‘fic under review today contains potential flamebait in the form of tactless, teen-angsty handling of suicide and probably depression and/or domestic abuse and/or hate crimes or something. It’s all pretty damn vague, but flamebait nonetheless. There is also discussion of a number of issues raised by the source material that, while abstract, are in fact very political in nature.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to something that is not, in fact, Friendship Is Magic: The Covenant War.

Yeah, I could use a break. There was just so little actual MLP in it, it was starting to feel dense and… kinda stale.

So, instead, I went ahead and found us a little ‘fic that has a whole lot of MLP in it, except it also happens to be the part of MLP that is about as far from Friendship is Metal as The Covenant War is from tense and well-paced military science fiction.

Ladies and gentlebeings of the Library, prepare yourselves for an introduction… to Thorax.

Son of a fucking bitch.

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2015: Wronger, Weirder, Faster, Stronger — Chapter 10

Title: Velocius et Fortius
Author: ChaosSpartan575
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Drama
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Specialist Adrian Sevarra

-WARNING-
Today’s chapter contains potential flamebait in the form of repeated invocation of Nazis. No actual Nazis ever appear, but flamebait nonetheless.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the last chapter of the ‘fic formerly known as Velocius et Fortius.

Previously, we were treated to a whole bunch of goddamn filler as basically all of the ground team dicked around inside that one training facility on Earth’s Moon that has the crazy AI and all of the drones in it. Bad jokes were made, Tali killed a bunch of drones with one shot in a combat scene that may as well have had the Monty Python intermission theme playing over it, and Shepard’s biotic aura turned green for reasons that I’m a little bit afraid actually will be explained later on.

And that gets us to Chapter 10.” Read the rest of this entry »