424: Protective Secrets – Chapters 16 & 17

Title: Protective Secrets
Author: bim-bam58
Media: Manga/Anime
Topic:  Fruits Basket
Genre: Romance/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Welcome once more, dearest Patrons! Today is a very special day – it’s the end of the fic!

:wipes away tear:

I do so enjoy these days.

The last chapter continued the grand tradition of being almost completely pointless; Tohru convinced her ardent admirer Michael to help her, got the basics of Chris/tian the Asshat’s daily schedule from him as well as a bit of his own back story, formulated a cunning plan (which has yet to be revealed) to destroy the evidence, only to be thwarted by her inability to just walk down the hallway to the room. Instead of coming up with a variation of the “guard escorting prisoner” gambit, which would have been really easy to do since she’s a real prisoner who has a real guard helping her, she waited for the Sue Force to deliver the most contrived means of travel possible – a wheeled table covered in a plain white tablecloth.

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423: Parallel Realities – Chapter Forty-Seven

Title: Parallel Realities
Author: InHarmsWay
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Mass Effect
Genre: Supernatural/Romance/AU
URL:  Parallel Realities: Chapter 47
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello once again, patrons, and welcome back to Parallel Realities. Well, we’ve got two chapters left to snark at in this damn thing, so I think we’re good to get going on it right away.

And it’s just as well, too. Remember that reveal I mentioned way back when I did the ME1 arc? Remember the plot twist that Taco had to redact from erttheking’s snarking of From Another World Parallel Realities: The Slightly Improved Rip-Off? Well, you’ll finally see that reveal, and trust me, if your brain is not melting from the severe stupid contained within just that reveal alone, I’ll be very afraid for your sanity.

So let’s not waste any more time. Trust me, I want to be done with this piece of crap as much as you guys. Let’s get going, patrons.

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422: A CAVE Story Unabriged – One Shot

Title: A CAVE Story Unabriged
Author: BlueRetroPenguin
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Cave Story
Genre: Humor/Parody
URL: A CAVE Story Unabriged
Critiqued by TacoMagic

WARNING:  This thing is bad.  Very bad.  There are references to attempted rape and implied pedophilia, though I do skip most of it.  You have been warned.  Honestly, I’m only posting this thing because I was stupid enough to read it and I need to rage out a bit.

Welcome back to another one-shot!  This week I bring you an example at how to utterly fail at a humor/parody fic.  The thing to keep in mind here is that, for a fic to be a  member of that genre, your writing needs to be funny.  This isn’t only not funny, but is a near incomprehensible wreck of sexism, violence, and swearing.  I honestly hope this thing is a troll fic, but I’ve listened to teenagers enough these days to suspect that they honestly think this… thing is hilarious.

How bad of a wreck?  Well, for starters, the title of the fic has one word randomly in all caps and another word misspelled.  This is gonna be goooooood.  Also, I invite you to look at BlueRetroPenguine’s profile.  I’ll wait.

*Wait’s patiently*

Yes, you’re allowed to want to hit him in the face with a shovel now.  I don’t have a shovel, but I do have a-

*GONG*

BRP, get over yourself.

Anyway, before we dive into this fic, let’s check the summary, which caught my attention immediately:

For all of you who were baffled by how bland the Cave story dialouge was not the plot we have spiced this cave story up. This is a collaboration with authors BlueRetroPenguin and Lunara the Ara using Cave Story. Enjoy, or perish. Very, Eh-hem, Wordy

First, the dialogue was fine, so I have no idea why these three are taking issue with it.  Second, don’t threaten me or I’ll riff your work- oh, well look at that, I am.  And third, saying that a fic which is only 500 words per chapter and 3 chapters long is “wordy” is just… yeah.  It also amazes me that something so short required three authors to write.

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421: From Another World – Chapters 3 & 4

Title: From Another World
Author: EclipsePheniox
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Mass Effect / Parallel Realities
Genre: Supernatural/Romance/AU
URL: From Another World Chapter 3 and Chapter 4
Critiqued by Erttheking

Chapter 3: A Hero Rises

Welcome back to my shredding of From Another World.  Last chapter, Shepard decided to stay with an alien race that he never met and actually wanted to join their military because…if he didn’t we wouldn’t have a Mass Effect plot.  Also, Ashley did nothing to contribute to the plot, Shepard talked to his Fairy Godmother, and then the Union finally figure out that he was the prince after ten years.  Maybe that last one was a Game of Thrones esque plot where a potential usurper for the throne kept things covered up…oh who am I kidding, that’d be too awesome.

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420: My Immortal – Chapter Three

Title: My Immortal
Author: Tara (reposted by TheJadedDolphin)
Media: Book / Movie
Topic:  Harry Potter
Genre: Romance / angst
URL:  My Immortal – Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle

Well, hello there!  Welcome back to “My Immortal,” the age-old story of love, loss, and fishnet stockings.  The last time we met, Ebony McSuepants gave us a walk-through of her average morning, more wardrobe prOn, and then yelled about how much she does not like Draco Malfoy.  Then he invites her to go see Good Charlotte with him and suddenly she can’t breathe.  Gripping, isn’t it?  Let’s get into chapter three and find out what happens!  The lukewarm suspense, it mildly tingles somewhat unpleasantly.

This chapter contains references to cutting, so if you’re sensitive to this, please be forewarned.  I care about you, my dear readers.  Group hug!

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419: Protective Secrets – Chapter 15

Title: Protective Secrets
Author: bim-bam58
Media: Manga/Anime
Topic:  Fruits Basket
Genre: Romance/Tragedy
URL: Chapter 15
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Happy Friday, most beloved Patrons! Can you think of a better way to kick off the weekend than another chapter of FB delight?

I can, too – but eBay has this “thing” about selling large quantities of unstable isotopes so I don’t have anything better to do right now. So it goes.

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418: Parallel Realities – Chapter Forty-Six

Title: Parallel Realities
Author: InHarmsWay
Media: Video Game
Topic:  Mass Effect
Genre: Supernatural/Romance/AU
URL:  Parallel Realities: Chapter 46
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello once again, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to Parallel Realities. Now… for this installment, I actually managed to get an old friend of mine in on this. I think the only way I could feasibly survive this is if I got someone else to help me look at this chapter.

So… to help us out here, I actually managed to get a pretty significant person in ME lore who just escaped this whole involved rigmarole. I have no idea how, but apparently she was set free earlier. What the hell knew, you know?

So ladies and gentlemen, I bring you…

Kasumi Goto!

*Applause sign flashes*

Kasumi, wonderful of you to join us!

KG: I’m just glad to be out of there. Trust me, you’ve got no idea what it’s like having to suck up to that man.

Oh, I’m pretty sure I have a good idea, Kasumi. What made you come over here anyway?

KG: Well, since this chapter involves Tali…

Yeah, you and her are often considered BFFs in the fanon, aren’t ya?

KG: It’s too bad you never saw those parts in what I just got out of. Those were some… interesting conversations we had.

I guess it’s because she couldn’t shut up about Stupard.

KG: *nods* Yeah, that’s about it.

I thought as much. Anyway, we’ve got a lot of material to tackle here, so let’s get going with it.

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