176: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels – Chapter Four, Part Two

Title: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels
Author: insane doctor and judgmentdragon25
Media: Video Game/Movie
Topic: Call of Duty/Land Before Time Cross-Over
Genre: None Listed
URL: call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels – Chapter Four
Critiqued by TacoMagic

This week I’m going to start things off  a bit differently.  You see, in a fit of rage, I wrote a very unhelpful, destructive review for this fic over on FF.net.  I thought I’d share it with you, just for giggles.

I would say that this fic was the worst thing ever written, but I’ve read the sequels and know that such a claim would be a lie.

Many can only aspire to this level of literary failure, but you, dear sir, have shown that not only it is possible to reach such a level, but also possible to maintain it indefinitely through the course of many works.

I applaud you.

I can be a real lukewarm bastard sometimes.  Moving on.

Last time on call of duty:the untold zombie chronicels a swarm of zombie Velociraptors of ecologically unlikely proportions attacked Team Stu.  The swarm killed just about all the resident dinosaurs, except for the children dinosaurs prominent in the series of Land Before Time movies.  Meanwhile the team got to brandish their weapons and the authors got to describe TONS of thrilling gun-play.  The chapter ended with Captain Price detonating a pseudo-nuclear warhead he had hidden somewhere in the valley when nobody was looking.  Douchebag. Of. The. Century.

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175: Goodbye, Ender – One Shot

Title: Goodbye Ender
Author: lilikuizi
Media: Book
Topic: Orson Scott Card
Genre: Sci-Fi / Tragedy
URL: Goodbye, Ender
Critiqued by Addicted Reader

Welcome back!  Today I’ve returned to the world of literary fanfiction with a piece based on Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game universe.  It’s a bit hard to pinpoint the source more closely than that.  There are two reasons for this:  firstly, the ff.net category for this is just “Orson Scott Card”; secondly, the whole fic is very vague.  It’s first-person stream-of-conscious narration, which is always fun*.  Let’s dive in, starting with the summary:

Of all the things I knew and did not tell you, Ender, there is one that I wish I had. -Jane.

*not fun

Who thinks we’ll find out what that thing is within the first 2 paragraphs?  Let me see your hands.  Ok, everyone whose hand is up, please stay after.  I’ve got a great time-share offer for you.

Here’s the fic:

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174: Control – Chapter Eight

Title: Control
Author: Jckash03 (Now permanently referred to as Jackass)
Media: Television / Movie
Topic: Dragon Ball Z
Genre: Suspense / Romance
URL: Control – Chapter Eight
Critiqued by Lyle
Submitted by Blessed8be

Warning:  This chapter contains suicide.  And idiots.  Lots and lots of idiots.

Howdy, loyal Library patrons!  Today we’re going to take a look at chapter eight of the timesquiggly, common-senseless Dragon Ball Z fanfic called “Control.”  Let’s take a brief moment to summarize what has happened so far:

With some extreme age confusion, Jackass the 3rd has taken us on a journey through the DBZ Universe, which she has mistakenly labeled as “Earth.”  Pan, the daughter of a couple main characters, has run away from home for reasons unspecified but it has something to do with Marron, the daughter of a couple other main characters.  The author won’t tell us what this huge fiasco was (she probably doesn’t even know herself based on how this fic is being written) but it was apparently bad enough to drive a girl to leave everyone she ever knew.  On top of that, Bra (a 13-year-old) is trying to seduce Gohan (Pan’s father) for absolutely no reason.

Most recently, Mr. Satan (Pan’s grandfather) was found murdered and the city held a funeral for him where everyone was surprised to see sad people.  Jackass dropped more names in an attempt to make it seem like she’s actually seen the show, then introduces a character with a horribly written accent that neither I nor my husband (a long-time fan of the shows) can identify.  Jackass gives no information about this “Beaudella” and merely writes her in as if everyone should be aware who she is and what she looks like.  I am baffled.

Now let’s move along and take down this next daunting chapter!

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Come out and play!

Good morning and happy Sunday, Library Patrons!

After months of intense laughter, our dear Lara is taking a sabbatical from the library to work on some of her own projects that have been getting neglected due to the responsibilities being one of our full-time writers entails.  While she’ll be doing some guest work for us here and there, this means Thursdays will be a little more empty than usual.

That’s where you come in! *points at person through the computer*  Would you like to be a guest writer for us?  I know you would… come… play with us…


173: Tales of a guitar hero’s Script – One Shot, Part Three

Title: Tales of guitar hero’s Script
Author: jesterkeef
Media: Video Game
Topic: Guitar Hero
Genre: None Listed
URL: Tales of a guitar hero’s Script
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hey there, folks! I’m back with Part Three of my craptacular Guitar Hero fic. Originally I had planned on finishing up this thing this week, but the last couple of paragraphs are so jam-packed with insanity that I’m dividing the final paragraphs into two portions in order to give them the treatment they so richly deserve.

If you’d like to know what’s happened so far, let me indulge your self-destructive urges.

There’s a small village that is being attacked by stink-beasts (who are really tax collectors) on a day that they don’t normally attack, so a young girl, Dagmar, runs at a leisurely pace to a nearby city while the stink-beasts are lounging around in a convenient, drunken stupor. She hopes to find either money or an army that will be able to defeat them for good. Instead she locates a drunken musician (who is shirtless and wearing two pairs of pants with a single belt) and there is some discussion over who would pay whom for sex that I didn’t really follow, when suddenly an unknown number of stink-beasts/tax collectors (who are actually soldiers) enter the room and there is some vaguely homoerotic conversation between the musician, Jimmy, and the captain of the soldiers/stink-beasts/tax collectors before Jimmy bashes him over the head with his woman-shaped guitar. Jimmy then plays a little David Bowie that somehow renders the others unable to follow when he and Dagmar return to her village.

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