I’m sorry. I’m so, so very sorry. I can’t apologize enough for what I’m about to subject you to, my poor lovelies. Welcome to “Betrayal.”
“Betrayal” hails from the Naruto section of ff.net. Koori has been conspicuously absent since I mentioned I was going to look into riffing this fic, but I’m sure she’ll show up periodically to rage at the story for it’s numerous inaccuracies. I won’t bother infodumping before we get started since I’ve done Naruto fics in here before.
Let’s dive in.
Title: The Girl
Topic: The Outsiders
URL: Chapter Nine
Critiqued by Angie and Hiraani
*shakes Magic 8 Ball* Will there be Socs and Greasers in this chapter?
*Angie walks angrily into the broom closet, sopping wet. Hiraani is waiting for her. She sits down*
Hiraani: What happened?
Hiraani: Why are you all wet?
Hiraani: …you fell into the shark tank again, didn’t you.
Why are you here?
Hiraani: You said I could riff with you.
Oh. *rubs eyes* That’s right. Alright, let’s read The Girl.
Title: The Marissa Games
Author: Marissa the Writer
Media: Books/Movies/Video Games
Topic: The Hunger Games / Portal / MIB II / Team Fortress / Thomas the Trai- [Fuck it, I’m not adding any more to this list! – Lyle] The Kitchen Sink
Genre: Not Listed
URL: Chapter Nine
Critiqued by agigabyte and Ghostcat
Not a Verb Counter: 686
Scatology Counter: 101
Cain: Welcome back, everyone. I’m here with Syl, Ghostie, and Datapad-Goddess for another chapter of The Marissa Games. Say hello.
Syl: Hello! :blows kisses:
Ghostie: Do I really have to be here?
Goddess: You seem kind of annoyed, Cain. And yes, Ghostie. Sorry about that.
Syl: Have you met him? Kitten’s middle name is “Annoyed”. Or possibly Tiberius, I forget which.
Goddess: I prefer other middle names for him.
Syl: McLovin? That’s always a good choice. Very hipster.
Cain: This is the part where we begin the riff.
Hello, and welcome back to Tales of Vesperia 2: The Blastia Age Restored, by MrAwesomeMatty! I’m your host, SC, joined by Teh Specs, and last time, Yuri and Repede met up with Estelle and Raven, while Tai was sent off to go be broody somewhere where nobody would have to see it. Tai got a weird feeling that Yuri thought he was a bad guy, so he went to try and clear his name, but was then promptly jumped by the
Ginyu Force Schwann Brigade’s best and brightest(?), Adecor and Boccos, who had somehow mistaken him for an assassin of Leviathan’s Claw.
This week, we’re jumping into the next chapter, fittingly titled, “It all goes to hell.” And, might I add, it is so nice to be able to get through chapters quickly again.
Title: The New Security Guard
Author: The Lazy Darklord
Media: Video Game
Topic: Five Nights at Freddy’s
URL Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat
Welcome back, dear Patrons, to another chapter! When last we met, the audience was introduced to college freshman and extremely late bloomer Gabe/Michael via a pair of rambling and disjointed flashbacks that raised more questions than they answered.
On to the fic! Which starts with another all-bold Author’s Note that contains almost no punctuation. Yay.
Hello everybody and welcome back to the Fnaf fanfic,
Which so far has had very little FNAF in it.
some of you might be wondering hey dark why is it that you sometimes promise to finish a story and then you just disappear from the face of the earth for a few months,
No, I can honestly say I wasn’t wondering that at all. At the risk of resurrecting one of our favorite dead horses, you aren’t on a schedule. Post (or don’t post) whenever you feel like it. Your only deadline is self-imposed.
im not going to make excuses i honestly was at point were i was almost entirely done with fanfiction mainly because i did alot of work into my stories and then too rewrite them was an honest pain in my ass
Welcome to writing, honey – it’s two percent pure pleasure and ninety-eight percent soul-shredding grunt work that no one will ever see. And don’t even get me started on editing; it’s much easier to edit someone else’s work because you aren’t emotionally invested in it, but trying to edit your own writing is like having your fingers caught in a bear trap and trying to decide which one to gnaw off first.
Title: Fall to Equestria
Topic: My Little Pony: FIM
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Serketry
Beware, for here be dragons. Or at least more hardcore pony porn.
Hello hello all you patrons!
Welcome back to Fall to Equestria, ruining awesome characters since late 2012.
Last time our plucky protagonist Loser Martin was captured by the Changelings, promptly escaped through a method so stupid and thermodynamically dubious that I refuse to even recap it, and then immediately turned himself in again. This led to fortunately unconsummated sexytimes with Queen Chrysalis, who apparently was not evil at all and just misunderstood (needing a whole three sentences from the Stu to devolve into a sobbing wreck). Then Princess Celestia showed up and did the first sensible thing in the ‘fic, namely magic-blasting Loser Martin to within an inch of his life while trying to shoot the Queen.
With his miraculous Stu powers he somehow survived the blast. Well, he’s bleeding out, but considering that that Celestia was trying to kill Chrysalis and we’ve seen her literally blast enemies apart, Loser should be chunky salsa by now.
Title: Heroes and Villains
Author: Horrible’s Igor
Media: Television / Movies
Topic: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer / Kitchen Sink
URL: Heroes and Villains (Now Defunct)
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Eliza
Welp, we’re finally there, the home stretch. Now that Igor is completely out of fucks to give, we enter the freefall stage. The shark jumps, the editing dwindles, and what passes for the plot becomes even more fragmented and incoherent.
“You make it sound so good!”
Don’t I, though?
Sure. Spike does a sparring session with team Buffy, and then quickly drops that in favor of most of the group running off to go look for the very items that Willow was just told about in the previous scene. Because that’s how good writing works. On their way there Jim is invited to exposit his backstory, which he does. It’s a contrived backstory, and since it’s about a character that nobody honestly gives a shit about, there’s no real need to revisit it. After a quick chat with the embodiment of the plot, they’re directed to the same place Willow’s going. It’s also dropped that Igor has decided to change his mistake into a plot point involving Sunnydale being completely restored. Presumably with a “because magic” in there somewhere. And if you’re wondering why it took the members of Team Buffy this long to think something was strange with Sunnydale being back, then you’d be forgetting that nobody in this fic actually has a brain.
“It turns out that you don’t need one to star in a fanfic!”
The chapter trails off with a scene of DEEP FORESHADOWING™ where a bunch of vampires with extremely fake accents talk about stuff that I can’t be bothered to remember, and then an ASMR vampire shows up because why the fuck not? Igor literally had no fucks left to give when he wrote that scene, which is why I skimmed the crap out of it.