2645: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised – Day (Chapter) One

Title: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Author: Master Darth Warious – Lady of Chaos
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Lord of the Rings/Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Hot Mess
URL: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Heya, patrons!  Now that I’m caught up on all the guest riffs that were sent earlier this Summer, it’s time to dig into the fic I threatened you all with promised to riff back in October during the Spooptoberfest.  For those who need a refresher, I riffed a fic called A Sith’s Halloween, and I had questions.  Many, many questions.  So, to answer probably none of them, we’re now moving on to the parent fic of that one: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised.  At the time I said I really didn’t want to riff two Star Wars fics in a row, but this thing has forced my hand.

Now, since this is the revised edition, you might expect this to be a polished and refined version of the original.  You also might be new here, greetings!  You’ll find your information and flavor packet under your chair.  Try not to get them wet unless you’ve got a craving for noodles.  Regardless, I’m sure you’ll all come to agree that the original must have been a dumpster fire of epic proportions for the hot mess we’re about to riff to be the improved version.

I’ve also gone ahead and cut our usual Star Wars correspondent loose on this riff, both because I have a feeling this thing will have less to do with Star Wars than True Force did, but also because he tried to bite me in the face when I walked into his room to ask for help.

Anyway, enough stalling, let’s get this shit-storm on the road!  I’m sure that how idiom do, yes?

Summary first!

On request I have re-written this story in a different format and addded information.

Hypothesis:  “revised” may actually mean “twenty-five percent more d.”

Darth Maul, Darth Warious and Haldir of Lothlorien all end up on earth and have ‘adventures’ with a normal life. (Complete)

I’m sure you will all come to agree that ‘adventures’ absolutely deserves those quotation marks.

Onwards to the-

Two Sith Lords and an Elf

By Darth Warious

Disclaimer: I don’t own 4-H, Star Wars, LotR, or any of their characters. I do own the characters, Darth Warious, Commander Rogue Dragon, Lillian and Pegasus.

Oh, right.  One of those.

Wait, does that say “Commander Rogue Dragon”?  And why the hell are you disclaiming ownership of 4-H?

*Taco slowly slides the bottle of scotch off the shelf and sets it on the riffing desk.*

Trouble brewin’.

I suppose your gonna hit us with an author’s note now, right?

Huh, there isn’t one.  That almost never happens!  A moment.

*Quickly flips through the fic*

Well, look at that, there are author’s notes, but they are some of the least chatty and pointless I’ve seen in a long time and seem to always be placed as a footnote to the chapter.  If that lasts the entire fic, I may end up having to hand over a redemption cookie because this is one of the least bad implementations of authors notes I’ll have riffed.

Sadly, that may turn out to be the high-point of what we’re about to be subjected to.

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2638: Jurassic Vampires – Chapters 5 & 6

Title: Jurassic Vampires
Author: twilightfanjm
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park/Twilight
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 5
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by Ghostcat



Hello, and welcome back dear Patrons!

We’re finishing up the last two chapters of this fic, and then I get to move onto a new one. Maybe I’ll look into the sequel fic, which is a thing that exists.

In the last chapter Nessie learned that she was pregnant, sped through the pregnancy super-fast, and was declared dead by the others just before her father found her hunkered down in a cave. She also managed to stay lost for two weeks, and the others failed to find her, which in itself is impressive. I also learned that many of the Patrons and my fellow Librarians feel very strongly about the hell-beasts that are called geese, thus validating my life-long fear of them.

Now, on to the fic!

Reunions and C Section

There was at least one reunion so that isn’t a surprise, but what’s this about a C-section?

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2644: Jurassic Vampires – Chapters 3 & 4

Title: Jurassic Vampires
Author: twilightfanjm
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park/Twilight
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat



Welcome back, dear Patrons, to another pair of chapters from one of the oddest crossover sections out there. In the last chapters, the Sparklepire Clan (and Jacob) arrived on Isla Sorna and Nessie decided that it was an excellent idea to wander off on a strange tropical tourist trap island to do a bit of hunting. Velociraptors happened, and she was saved by her parents (and Jacob) while the second chapter offered the same scene from the perspective of Edward, and it was somehow even more boring.

To the fic!

A/N: Sorry it has been so long since I last updated. I have had a lot of school work, but I still felt bad for not updating this sooner.

Yeah, all those deadlines that you don’t have to self-publish fanfiction can really press on your nerves.

Chapter 3: Pregnant

I already don’t like this.

I have been running for over a week now; running from dinosaurs that is.

Wait, what?

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2640: Jurassic Vampires – Chapters 1 & 2

Title: Jurassic Vampires
Author: twilightfanjm
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park/Twilight
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat



Hello, my dear Patrons, and welcome to a new fic full of short chapters! This is yet another crossover – this time between the Jurassic Park franchise and the town bicycle of fanfics, Twilight.

It still boggles my mind that there are so many fics in this crossover niche. Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

The Cullen coven are summoned by an old friend of Carlisle’s to Isla Sorna for a life changing experience. But, what happens when the vampires themselves aren’t even safe from the ferocious beasts of the island.

Huh. I guess dinosaurs really are serious threats to the sparklepiric race. Who knew?

Disclaimer: I do not own Jurassic Park or Twilight

Neither do I, but you don’t hear me bragging about it.

Chapter 1: Raptors

Are large birds of prey.

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2632: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Finale

Title:Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Swenia

Notice:  Lots of explicit content this week.  Not safe for work or anyone who wants to avoid smut.

We’re finally here, patrons, the last installment!

Unfortunately, we still have to riff it and it’s going to be another marathon installment like the last one.  Swenia is still here hoping to catch some of the action.

“Dern tootin'”

And the bleachers were already full when I arrived.

*Popcorn rains down on Taco and the crowd begins to chant* “BRING! ON! THE! PORN!”

Why did you invite them?

“Because you stopped early last time and I’m a vengeful soul.”

Okay, fair enough.  Want to attempt a Crunchy-cap?

“Sure.  Changing, strong spirits, and a boring-ass dance-party.”

Works for me, let’s check out the cringy couple as they try to get past the fact that one of them is roaring drunk.

For a while, it was quiet. The walk back was longer than either of them had anticipated, and any stirrings of arousal that the dance might have conjured had faded somewhat and a subtly awkward silence replaced it until Link found the courage to grasp Ashei’s hand and run his thumb gently over the back, relishing the softness of her skin.

Speaking of subtly awkward.

“I don’t think that sentence counted as subtly awkward.”

“Did they… did you bathe?” he asked quietly, the first words either of them had spoken since slipping away from the festivities.

“Rude.  Especially since you didn’t.”

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