1881: Maya and Raider – Chapter Five

Title: Maya and Raider
Author: Eclipsepheniox
Media: Video Game
Topic: Borderlands
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by Delta XIII

[SETTING: Delta’s bedroom. Delta is sleeping in his armchair, curled up like a cat. An alarm suddenly blares from his cell phone, causing him to jerk up in shock.]

Wuzzat?!

…oh, right. The riff.

*turns off alarm*

*clears throat*

Welcome back everyone! Sorry I couldn’t do the riff in person last time, but as soon as I saw that abrupt sex scene, I knew I’d need to either put myself into a mini-coma, or drink myself into a stupor.

And after the fiasco of my last drunken stupor, well… the decision was obvious.

Anywho, on to the show!

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1880: Unknown Origins – Chapter One, Part Four

Title: Unknown Origins
Author: Cyberweasel89
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Adventure and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Hiraani and Queen Malieasha of Jacelajoglia

Queenie: Hello, dear ones! Welcome back to Unknown Origins.

Welcome back to Everything Sucks: Part Nine. *continues stuffing mouth with Toaster Strudels*

Queenie: Also, Angie decided to drop Coffin Rock to devote her time to watching us suffer.

Angie: *from the other room* That’s not what I said, and you know it. But thank you for trying.

Queenie: No problem. Anyhow, when we last left off, we met Sunny Smiles, Chet continued to be a pervert beyond belief, and Hiraani had a mental breakdown.

What do you mean, had?

Queenie: Oh, but before we go on. Happy almost Halloween!

We were so close.

Queenie: Hiraani, what are you dressed up as?

I am glad you asked. I dressed up as First Lady Nancy Reagan to honor—

Queenie: I dressed up as a queen. So.

Groundbreaking.

Queenie: Let’s continue on.

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1878: Dragon Souls – Chapter One

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen

Hello Patrons, back at you with more nitpicking and general grumpiness! No, this is not the fic by GypsySiren I promised, nor is it coming out. To be honest, I’ve called it off for two reasons:

1). It really isn’t “travesty” material. I could probably find things wrong with it, but after a point it feels less like I’m giving good feedback and more like I’m harassing the fic for any little thing to complain about, something I have no interest in doing.

2). It’s boring. Horrendously, horribly boring, and honestly doing two fics by the same author leads to seeing the same issues, and it just wasn’t as good an idea as I thought it would be.

However, while I was doing research for my newly rebooted Dragon Souls- Rekindled… well that spoils the punchline, doesn’t it?

Yes indeed, this abomination is of my very own making. Penned on my way out of highschool, this was one of my first great (in size only) fanfics. And it shows, by the nine divines and all the rest of them does it fucking show. This was written in July of 2014, a little over a year after my novel. In my opinion, this period was my best and my worst at once. My ability to conceive long and epic stories was building up pretty well, but FishSlayer, the saint she is, didn’t save me from myself and prompt an entire paradigm shift in how I write fics until just last year, in 2016.

Now, 2014 was only three years ago so you’d think it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, I cringed so hard I wanted to seppuku after reading just a few paragraphs, enough to inspire putting it here, so that bad. This is going to hurt really, really badly.

I’ve got the Heresy Counter warmed up, as well as the other counters I’m going to need. Alright, you know what Dark Souls is, you know what Skyrim is, let’s go in hot.

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1874: Unknown Origins – Chapter One, Part Three

Title: Unknown Origins
Author: Cyberweasel89
Media: Video Games
Topic: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Adventure and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Hiraani and Queen Malieasha of Jacelajoglia

Helloooo, friends. I’m Hiraani…

Queenie: I’m Malie.

And today we’re reviewing more Unknown Origins. Joy. Last time we drank. It was fun. Let’s read.

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1873: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter One, Part Two

Title: Valkyire: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC, Bifocals and Glasses

SC’s Note: It’s since been brought to my attention that naming a team of dudes “Valkyrie” isn’t necessarily a bad choice. However, given that by the time I was told this, most of the riff had already been written, going back and editing all of my jokes now would delay this by another week, at LEAST. I kind of don’t want to do that, so I’m just gonna warn you ahead of time that the joke is made somewhat frequently in this part.

Past this, though, I’ll stop harping on about it.

~~~

Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, joined by Bifocals and Glasses (Shades got grumpy after I forced her to clean up the dropship she, well, dropped on my riffing chamber, so she didn’t want to riff this fic anymore), and last time, we met the Valkyrie squad: a team of dudes, contrary to the name, who were supposedly ex-special forces and liked to do things “old school.” Old school, according to these guys, apparently means using inferior arms and armaments that are all but guaranteed to be useless against the kinds of opponents Overwatch typically faces. Supposedly, this team was the creation of a one Strike Commander Jack Morrison, and neither Overwatch nor Blackwatch know of their existence. We took them apart sentence by sentence, because for all this author’s efforts to build these guys up as “better and cooler” than Overwatch and Blackwatch, he has almost no idea what the hell he’s on about. I suspect this pattern will continue here in part two.

And because Shades ducked out due to a sudden onset of grumpy bitch, Glasses is here to replace her.

Glasses: I haven’t done a riff in so long, I worry I may not remember how.

Oh, stop being so dramatic.

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1868: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter One, Part One

Title: Valkyire: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC, Bifocals and Shades

Hello, and welcome back to the Library of the Damned! I’m your host, SC, joined by Shades and Bifocals, and I’m here with a new riff (yes, a new long riff on top of an ongoing long riff, I know I’m stupid, you don’t have to remind me)!

Actually, funny story… I was working on a oneshot, but that oneshot’s author turned out to be one of those people who does the exact opposite of treating their audience like goldfish: They assume the audience knows everything about the canon, and therefore explain none of it. So, suffice to say, that oneshot is going to take me a while. That and my work schedule of eight-hour closing shifts, all the time, everywhere, has seen me absolutely drained of any drive to write anything, so this is me trying to get a spark of life going – because good GOD, I’m fucking bored.

Shades: He’s saying that even with our usual shenanigans going on.

Bifocals: It must truly be bad if not even we can hold his attention.

I’ve just resorted to spraying them with a water bottle, not unlike what I do with a misbehaving Glasses. Repeat offenders get the front yard sprinkler systems, and any further misconduct is boosted to a fire hose. Monocle’s gotten to the point where I need to take a sledgehammer to a fire hydrant.

Anyhow, the riff:

This fic is called, “Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit,” by JewishPotato!

Mazel tov!

*SC smashes a plate on the floor*

Shades: …That’s Greek, mate.

Damn it.

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1866: The adventure of The Doctor – Oneshot

Title: The adventure of The Doctor
Author: Butchee
Media: Cartoon / Television
Topic: DuckTales / Doctor Who
Genre: Family/Adventure
URL: The adventure of The Doctor
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey, patrons!  Let’s keep this oneshot train rolling by digging up another canon I haven’t touched in a while: DuckTales!  This time, we’re going to cross it with Doctor Who, because why the hell not!?

For those wondering, this will be the 10th Doctor (The popular David Tennat version).  The Doctor is never explicitly described in the fic, so I had to look at the character list to find out which it was.

Anyway, let’s start where we always do, with the summary!

When The Doctor gets sucked into a dimension,and Gyro Gearloose’s invention is to blame.  But also the solution…

Well, we’re certainly off to a great start!  Onwards and into the fic!

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