1928: better season 5 end — Part 5

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3, who may or may not be Dakari King Mykan, and/or Caliborn from Homestuck
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to better season 5 end‘s… umm… end.

Last time Starlight Glimmer, freshly minted as N I G H T M A R E M O O N’s new apprentice, payed a visit to Twitlight Sparkle in her cell and got really torn up about ripping the DUMMENSHINAL TRAVIL scroll in half even though N I G H T M A R E M O O N was actively assisting her in making a replacement for it. Twitlight responded to this by angsting, dreaming about the Element Bearers and thereby giving away their location to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, angsting some more, and then finally angsting. That… was literally about it. We just left off as she was being led out of her cell by a N I G H T M A R E Guard, through the improbably-nearby town of Ponyville, and to a large platform set up in the middle of a public square which is clearly, obviously, and totally not meant for her execution.

Will Starlight Glimmer’s apprenticeship deliver her into her longed-for life of fast carriages, fast stallions, and rich, chunky revenge, or will she instantly be redeemed in the last fifth of the story for no good reason just like Mycan’t claims happened in the original show?

Will Twitlight Sparkle put into reality her vision of an inter-DUMMENSHINAL door-to-door friendship proslytization church, or will she completely dissolve into a puddle of thin, sorrowful gruel?

Will N I G H T M A R E M O O N ever actually get around to running Equestria, or will she just continue to recount the events of every episode of Season 1?

Will any of the rest of the main cast actually fucking show up in this story?

And will Mycan’t realize this was originally supposed to be a 44-minute TV-Y rated television show?
Find out on this, the final… umm… segment, I guess… of better season 5 end.

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1925: Maya and Raider – Chapter Eight

Title: Maya and Raider
Author: Eclipsepheniox
Media: Video Game
Topic: Borderlands
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 8
Critiqued by Delta XIII

Well, I made a promise to myself that I would get to at least Chapter 8 by the end of the year, so let’s get this over with.

EVERYTHING WRONG
WITH
Maya and Raider
Chapter 8

(I’m all out of jokes for these parts)
(you guys got any ideas?)

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1924: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: Valkyire: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by SC, Specs, Contacts and Glasses

Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and last time, Valkyrie put the hurtin’ on some cartel revolutionary goons, broke some more Geneva Convention articles whilst interrogating a guy, then Jack left his computer unlocked with the file he doesn’t want people seeing open for anybody to read, because, you know, that’s smart… oh yeah, and Sports Shades said a real dumb thing and now Shades is distributing punishment as she sees fit.

*Sounds of screaming and the repeated inserting of foot in ass*

*And then there were flamethrowers*

Do I think he’ll learn his lesson? No, but at least it’s entertaining in the moment.

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1922: Dawn By Eye – Chapters Two and Three

Title:  Dawn By Eye
Author:  coolcake05
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Fallout / Wall-E
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Dawn By Eye
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Hey, patrons, welcome back to “Dawn By Eye!”

In our last installment, we received what was essentially the beginning of Fallout: New Vegas but with the courier playing the part of Benny, and EVE playing the part of the courier.  Because apparently that’s how writing works these days.

Well, terrible writing, anyway.

There was also a pointless scene in there about the crew of the Axiom setting up “repopulation camps,” which I think we’re all better off not thinking about.  Following that was an even more pointless scene where WALL-E is fetched by EVE for a meeting with Captain McCrea.

And that was pretty much it since the bulk of the riff ended up being info dumping and cinematography shop-talk on my part.  This week should be more fic-focused, so let’s head on in!

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1921: better season 5 end — Part 4

Title: better season 5 end
Author: iamli3
Media: Animation
Topic: My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic
Genre: Adventure/Drama/AU
URL: Chapter 1 (Did we mention recently the whole thing is one enormous chapter?)
Critiqued by
AdmiralSakai and Serketry

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to The Cutie Remark as told by Dakari King Mycan’t!

Glad to be back.

Last time… well, not a whole lot actually happened other than Twitlight and Starlight being locked in a cell together so that the former could evangelize to the latter about The Power of Friendship (and also the events of most of the pilot episode of the show for some reason).

And then for fairly obvious reasons Starlight decided it was better serve in heaven than rule in rich, chunky exposition hell-

-and decided to sell out Twitlight to N I G H T M A R E M O O N, seeing as Twitlight’s strategy of building up a rapport with the other unicorn by being really fucking annoying all the time was going nowhere. We just left off as M O O N and Starlight (good GOD that sounds like a ship-name) were headed off to the remnants of the Canterlot Library so that Starlight could show her new mentor how the dimension-hopping scroll she found works.

Wait, doesn’t N I G H T M A R E M O O N have the dimension-hopping scroll from her home dimension? Why doesn’t that work? I mean sure, it’s in code, but Starlight wrote the code and can translate it back.

If this was a better ‘fic I’d say it was because Starlight was faking her betrayal in order to lead N I G H T M A R E M O O N away from the castle and give Twitlight a chance to grab either the original encrypted copy or the Elements of Harmony, but thanks to {THE ENDLESS INTERNAL MONOLOGING EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER DOES ALL THE FUCKING TIME} we know that nothing so clever is actually being attempted and Starlight is completely on the level (and also seems to have a bat-pony fetish for some reason, if her sudden display of romantic interest in the guards pulling their carriage is any indication).

Huh! Knowing a pony’s inner thoughts makes them seem less intelligent. How ‘about that?

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1919: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Two, Part Three

Title: Valkyire: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC, Contacts and Sports Shades

Hello, and welcome back to Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit, by JewishPotato! I’m your host, SC, and last time, we discovered an INSIDIOUS PLOT™ in Mexico, involving military corruption, drug smuggling by cartels revolutionaries, and the heinous murder of policemen.

What is this wicked plan, you may ask?

Fuck if I know.

…BUT IT’S INSIDIOUS™.

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1917: Dragon Souls – Chapter Three, Part Two

Title: Dragon Souls
Author: A Dumbass
Media: Video Games
Topic: Skyrim and Dark Souls
Genre: Adventure, Supernatural
URL: None Available
Critiqued by Leider Hosen and Invaded by God-Prince Sanyn Ruanna Beuxllon

Trigger Warning: Unlike last one, this is serious. You see, the closeted misogyny popping up here and there gets worse by enough magnitudes to warrant a trigger warning. If you’re very uncomfortable with groping, you may want to skim some sections.

Also, your humble author has an out-of-character catastrophic mental breakdown that isn’t played for laughs. If you read The Savior, you know what I’m talking about. So be wary.

Oh fuck me, no!

Beuxllon: I, the glorious and virile and all-powerful spectacular Beuxllon, heard tell that someone from the general vicinity of this place was disparaging the eternal glory that is me. Now I am traversed all of times and space and all that fuckery to kick that infidel in the face, surrender to me your infidel fool! Ooo!

*Beuxllon overtakes Hosen*

Beuxllon: Happy and glorious occasion it’s Rosfyr! I thought you were just a figment of my imagination; a very annoying figment that never allows me to indulge in the festivities of life!

Rosfyr is just my Self-Insert, I’m not actually- *Hosen is interrupted by an ebony-clad boot burying itself in his face, throwing him from his riffing chair*

Beuxllon: Nyehahahahaa *snork* Finally! Of all the faces I have acquainted with mine armor-clad footpads, your face was the face I was most desiring to kick. Granted, I could have just kicked myself to spite you, but you know it’s really fucking hard to kick yourself in the face with the base of your foot and not the- umm- you are my bitch! Grovel before me!

*Hosen rubs his nose* It’d say it’s a good thing I revised you, but no, you’re about the same. At least in-universe there are others to bring you in line.

Beuxllon: Blasphemy! I am a god, none may hinder my all powerful- power, to wreak my unholy retribution of the things upon the world that should have been mine but was not because  . Now, witness the power of a fully-

*Suddenly and from behind, Abrelepine appears from the SDQF to defend Hosen, but freezes upon seeing the neon-yellow haired calamity*

-The two stop a moment as they regard eachother, before Beuxllon gives an enthusiastic wave- Hi, honey!

Abrelepine: Oh my, I didn’t realize you were coming.

*Beuxllon puts a hand of indignation over his heart* You wound me! I thought after the first fifty times we dirted the sheets, you’d pick up on the many subtle nuances of my persona.

Abrelepine: That’s hyperbole and you know it.

Beuxllon: Give it time.

Abrelepine: *scoff* Of course you’d say that.

Beuxllon: Now you’re remembering, wondrous wife of mine.

Abrelepine: Should I take a form you’re more used to while we catch up?

Beuxllon: You madden me no matter what skin you put on.

*Hosen gets back in his chair, talking over the lovers snogging in the background as he adjusts his  * I guess I’ll just continue.

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