2579: Mileena’s Humanity – Chapter Four

Title: Mileena’s Humanity
Author:  Spirit.of.Bardock
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11898341/4/
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

WARNING: THIS INSTALLMENT CONTAINS AN EXPLICIT SEX SCENE AND THUS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. IT’S ALSO SHOWING UP IN THIS FINE ESTABLISHMENT SO IT IS ALSO NOT SAFE FOR YOUR SANITY IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.

Hello and welcome back to the riff of “Mileena’s Humanity”. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden and last time, we left off with our “hero” continuing to act like a douche rocket, Mileena suddenly having a breakdown and crying her eyes out and then acquiescing to sex with Ju’Stu. Ju’Stu, as you’ll recall tried to cave her skull in with a baseball bat, bosses her around, and force-feeds her shit that could well be toxic to her due to her unique physiology. So, of course, he’s “saved her life” and now she’s gonna bang him.

Before we begin, let’s post the current Darwin List for Ju’Stu.

  • Performed an unprovoked attack on Mileena
  • Isn’t afraid of the teeth she can easily use to rip him in half
  • Seems intent on pissing her off
  • Gives her weapons
  • Invades her personal space when she’s pissed off
  • Casually keeps his guard down around the psychotic cannibal
  • Takes a commanding/bossy tone with a woman who is known as the Mad Empress of Outworld for her sadism and brutality to her own subjects
  • Gets preachy with Mileena after finger-flicking her forehead

*opens a bottle of rocket-grade tihaar, sets the popcorn machine to overdrive, and cues up the porn music*

Let’s do this.

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2574: Athame’s Light – Chapter Four

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa, Specialist Daniel Mathers, and Contacts, whether he fucking likes it or not

Contacts: This is somehow more humiliating than constantly getting screwed over by Syl!

*Contacts thrashes about fruitlessly, effortlessly suspended in midair by Myrai’s biotics; Mathers chuckles as he munches on his fourth or fifth high-nutrient protein bar in a row, looking noticeably less exhausted than previously*

You had to know this was going to blow up in your face.

Contacts: This is abuse! Unlawful detainment! Police – er, Spectre, whatever – brutality!

Specialist Mathers: You hear that? The known thief is bitching about legalities.

Spectre Myrai: I know, it’s a hoot. And he’s doing it wrong, because “Spectre brutality” won’t hold up in any court of law on account of the carte blanche granted Spectres by the Council, itself.

Specialist Mathers: Where was all this bluster when he was getting hunted down for that major weapons theft, I wonder?

Spectre Myrai: Kinda didn’t give him the chance to use it, because I was in the middle of splattering his brain across the wall.

Contacts: I want a lawyer! I know my rights!

Yep, and as the closest thing to legal council you’re gonna get before the ninja legal team gets here or Bats shows up in the comments, I’d like to remind you that one of your rights is the right to remain silent, a.k.a. shut the fuck up.

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2571: Mileena’s Humanity – Chapter Three

Title: Mileena’s Humanity
Author: Spirit.of.Bardock
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mortal Kombat
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

Hello everyone and welcome back to the riff of Mileena’s Humanity. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden and last chapter proved somewhat enlightening with regards to our “hero” Ju’Stu. For example, we learned that he has precisely zero survival instincts and is a total prick to one of Outworld’s deadliest fighters.

Let’s see what we have to put up with today.

AN: Ok sorry for taking so long with this chapter, a lot of stuff happened since the last one. Such as losing my laptop to the Blue Screen. And also thank you everyone that reviewed and faved this, to the reviewer who asked for a female OC x Mileena, I may get around to it. However since it’s almost summer, I’m going to be busy with stuff. A lot of which is Let’s Play and work.

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2570: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 2

-WARNING-
The author begins to put his political views on fairly public display in this chapter, and they are… pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a guy who writes alternate-history HFY fanfiction featuring weirdly defanged Nazis.

Also, weirdly defanged Nazis are still Nazis, and are still in this ‘fic.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years.

Last time, we had a boringly mostly adequate section where some U-Boat captain found a wrecked Council ship in Antarctica, then for some reason this influx of new technology and weapons made Hitler want to reopen peace talks with the British because that‘s totally how Nazis would think.

Actually, “because that’s totally how Nazis would think” is shaping up to be a countable offense in this ‘fic, because these seem to be Nazis with every hint of racism or other undesirable qualities neatly and authorially excised.

This all brings us to the second half of Chapter 1, where the ‘fic becomes less of an implausible alternate-historical ‘fic and more of a regular old HFY ‘fic with, what else, a massive timeline featuring implausible events we mostly couldn’t care less about!

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2567: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 1

–WARNING–
The ‘fic under review today contains political flamebait in the form of Nazis.
Like, actual literal Nazis this time, not just people who talk and act like Nazis but claim not to be Nazis, or people calling each other Nazis, or self-described neo-Nazis, but the genuine article Version One-Point-Oh. I really hope I don’t need to tell anybody why that’s bad, mmmkay?

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons! I’m continuing my travels through Things In My Riffs Folder That Aren’t The First War by today taking a look at another Mass Effect alternate-humanity ‘fic that looks at The First War, giggles dementedly in its face, and asks, “why the hell are you all settling for merely crypto-fascist?”.

I actually made a joke about a ‘fic like this existing way back during the latter parts of Velocius et Fortius, but that was based on the assumption that nobody would actually be shameless enough to attempt to write it.

I assumed wrong. This is a thing that ACTUALLY EXISTS.

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2566: Legendary Dungeons, Futuristic Dragons – Chapter 15

Title: D&D Tag Along
Author: Tint
Media: Tabletop RPG
Topic: Dungeons & Dragons
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Chapter 15
Critiqued by BatJamags and Kane

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest host, BatJamags, and I’m back with the actual final installment of D&D Tag-Along. I hope. Unless this actually is as long as the first chapter (Spoiler: It’s actually one of the shorter chapters. The author was lying).

Last time, Hockey Stu turned out to not just be a demigod, but an ACTUAL FUCKING DEITY.

Kane: No, I believe that was Ehlonna and Nerull.

Wiseass. Anyway, Hockey Stu somehow got Nerull and Vecna to stop beating each other up and went to go fight the apparent main bad guy, who we don’t know anything about other than that he’s named Kas. Let’s get rolling.

D&D Tag Along

And in the end, that still hasn’t stopped not being not the title of the fic.

Kane: That was painful.

I did my best.

Chapter 15: Death, Betrayal, Lies, War, Arrogance

, and pie. There should be pie at the end. It’s the least you can do for your readers after making them sit through all of this.

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2563: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Twenty-Five, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons!  As a heads up, I may not have a post next week due to a business trip taking up a sizable portion of my week.

“Is that not a common monkey euphemism for something illicit?”

I wish.  In this case it’s a 12 hour drive so I can spend a few days learning about new radiographic management software.  Anyway, enough about me, we’ve got a vast field of nothing to tackle!  Crunchy!

“That is not how mines work.”

Pithy.  Let’s see what we’ve got this week!

It felt like the two of them had spent an eternity padding

Cut!  That’s a wrap!

*BZZZT*

Ugh, fine.

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