1972: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit – Chapter Four, Part One

Title: Valkyrie: The Unknown Unit
Author: JewishPotato
Media: Video Game
Topic: Overwatch [citation needed]
Genre: Adventure/PAIN.
URL: Chapter Four
Critiqued by SC, Specs, and Scarlet of Mesyth

Scarlet: So, I notice I’m back.

You are, indeed.

Scarlet: What, because I pissed in your corn flakes or something?

Nah. I just figure you deserve a fairer swing at this riffing thing than the last few dregs of my interest in a fic that I’ve grown to despise.

Scarlet: So you instead foist a fic about imbeciles playing at spy games on me.

Hey, you have to admit, it’s far more engaging material.

Scarlet: …Alright, fair.

*Specs wanders in*

Specs: Hello, it is I- oh, hey, it’s that guy!

Scarlet: Oh, hey, it’s this guy!

You two know each other?

Specs: Yeah, he was The Headsman who cut my head off back in Israel!

…Um.

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1971: A Raptor Love – Chapter 3

 

Title: A Raptor Love
Author: Neongirl786
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another chapter of (alleged) raptor lovin’!

In the last chapter Nameless was finally able to treat Flint’s superficial burns with magically appearing medical supplies, although they spent most of the time just watching Flint sleep like some kind of weirdo before wandering back to their dorm room. The timeline of the fic has been weird; Nameless went from a summer intern on their first day to someone who has been at the park for an extended period of time within the space of a few paragraphs. It’s a really wonky timesquiggle that really never acknowledges that there’s been any kind of linear progression of time at all.

Sunlight assaulted my eyes as birds chirped their bright, cheery morning tunes. I immediately closed my eyes, but the bright image was already burned into my retinas.

Didn’t Nameless pull all the curtains closed the night before?

My head felt groggy, like there was a thick, cloudy mist blanketing all my thoughts, and my body was a lead weight stuck on the bed.

Yeah, but you’re a college student. I don’t see how this would be different from a normal morning. It isn’t even really all that different from the previous “Nameless wakes up late” scene in the first chapter.

I reluctantly stood up, causing my sheets to pool around my ankles.

… Nameless does not know how to make their bed properly. Or they are literally standing up on top of their bed.

I shivered harshly at the abrupt cold, but knew that I had to get ready.

From what I remember, Nameless put on flannel pajamas (that they brought with them to a tropical island) before wrapping themselves in a blanket-burrito. If anything, they are probably too hot, not too cold.

Today, I’m supposed to be leading a group of people, two paleontologists, a mathematician, a lawyer and two kids, around the park, and introduce them to most of our dinosaurs while going over the safety measures we take into account for both the guests and the animals.

…Right. Because of course the park would want to give such a tremendous responsibility for a tour that will determine if the board of directors will continue funding the park – a role which the park owner John Hammond has in the original, highlighting just how important it is – to the summer intern who can’t even come in out of the rain at night.

:headdesks:

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1969: A Special Task — Chapters 24, 25, and 26

Title: A Special Task
Author: Generatedname
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 24Chapter 25, and Chapter 26

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the blessedly final chunk of A Special Task.

Previously we were introduced to the illustrious Commander Shepard, who in this reality is male and grown in a tank and lacks essentially any other defining qualities. He went on to participate in something vaguely resembling a ground engagement to secure Reaper-infested Sur’kesh, which involved a great deal of melodrama and self-doubt as well as well as heavy casualties and an apparently real Blasto-The-First-Hanar-Spectre. Dalatrass Linron (Or was it Verlin? Or Leroen? I don’t suppose it matters; they’re all essentially the same person anyway) subsequently escaped on a spaceflight-capable mech that may or may not have been a Reaper as the human forces closed in on the capitol, and various forces conjectured that she was heading for Tuchanka in order to convert the krogan population there into husks.”

Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: Still 6. Why exactly did we do this again?

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1968: A Raptor Love – Chapter 2

 

Title: A Raptor Love
Author: Neongirl786
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another chapter of exciting dinosaur on human action!

At least I assume we’ll eventually be getting to the exciting dinosaur on human action; the first chapter did little more than introduce the nameless and genderless protagonist before dumping them into the raptor enclosure alone with no supplies and no hope of doing anything useful.

Let’s see how they’re doing, shall we?

The alpha raptor lying on the damp ground eyed me wearily as I settled on my knees beside her.

Despite only being injured on her forelimbs, the raptor is laying down in a vulnerable position. I’m still kind of hoping she’s the bait to get Nameless closer, but that’s probably just wishful thinking.

Her clawed hands were burned a deep, dark red and trembled underneath her weight as she attempted to stand and assert her dominance.

If she was so concerned with trying to assert her dominance, why was she laying down in the first place? Showing a weakness, like those burns, would just be asking for one of the other raptors to challenge for the position of alpha.

That’s when I noticed it.

What?

“She” was actually a he!

… So ‘it’ is the raptor’s penis?

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1967: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I – Chapter Six

Title:  Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Author:  dragonfang33
Media: Movie / Cartoon
Topic: Star Wars / MLP
Genre: Sci-Fi / Adventure
URL: Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Welcome back, dear patrons, to the sixth and final chapter of Star Wars: Shadow War Episode I, Book I, Act I, Part I!

“You are taking far too much enjoyment from that.”

Gotta get it where I can, right?

“Be mindful of your phrasing, I spotted the Portable Pornography Music Synthesizer parked just down the hall when we arrived.”

Noted.  Last time we finally had stuff happen!  Sort of.  Team evil shelled the Troggle village, killed most of them, and turned the rest into slaves.  I think.  There was mention of non-Force-sensitivity, but nothing was really done with it, so it’s possible there are some Darth Troggles wandering around now, or probably not.  It’s unlikely to become a thing either way because this is the last chapter and the author can’t even bring himself to have Team Evil and Team Designated Protagonists interact in any way.  Speaking of TDP, what they were up to last chapter was far less interesting.  In that they arrived at the pony village that they were already in, tormented one of the ponies for daring to question that they were aliens from outer space, and then decided to finally make their way over to the dance party.  It’s weird, but this chapter I hope they finally make it to the dance party so I can have some closure on it.

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1966: A Special Task — Chapters 21, 22, and 23

Title: A Special Task
Author: Generatedname
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 21Chapter 22, and Chapter 23

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to yet another ‘special’ three-chapter arc of A Special Task.

Last time… actually quite a lot happened, but not very much of it made sense. We got a massive, stupid infodump on a series of stupid research projects meant to fight the Reapers stupidly, including even-more-indestructible armor (sorry, amour) and shields for human ships, even-more-powerful antimatter cannons, supersoldier programs, and some sort of star-exploding thing. Then they made contact with the quarians and immediately brokered a peace with the geth, returning the Migrant Fleet to the pristine surface of Rannoch in, like, three days and securing both the quarians and the geth for the humans’ anti-Council harem alliance. Then… somehow… that one former salarian Councilor (they go through them at a pretty good clip and I cannot honestly keep track) managed to use a Reaper artifact and ‘nanites’ to indoctrinate the entire population of Sur’kesh and most of the salarian colonies! As far as we know, the only people to get out alive and fully functional were Mordin Solus and Captain Kirrahe, probably because they have memes in store and the author cannot let them leave the story until every one has been recited.

Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: Still 6

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1965: A Raptor Love – Chapter 1

Title: A Raptor Love
Author: Neongirl786
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Jurassic Park
Genre: Romance/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons!

As you can tell from the fic rundown, this is a Jurassic Park Romance fic, and – surprise, surprise – it isn’t Taco who’s riffing it!

Shocking, I know.

Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

My first Jurrasic Park fic and my second actual fic. A girl is working on Isla Nublar when the storm comes and all the power is shut off. The raptors, who have taken a liking to her after she visited them several times, see this as a chance to escape, but the alpha isn’t leaving without her, his mate. This story is basically their adventures and struggles before and after the storm

Yeah, this looks like another fic ‘inspired’ by Raptor and I or Life with Raptors or any of the numerous other fics written in this vein. Taco wasn’t kidding when he said there were a lot of these. Most likely the Sue will be a high school student inexplicably hired as a groundskeeper and/or vet tech and receive countless special privileges despite have no qualifications that would entitle them to such.

~I just wanted to say a quick thanks to all my readers, old and new~

I just had a birthday, so I’m now one year closer to being an old reader. I’ve already got my shakin’ cane polished and a rocking chair to go with my horde of cats.

Today was my first day on the job and I was scared witless.

That sounds about right for a first job.

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