2242: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapters 10 and 11

 Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 10 and Chapter 11
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

*All is quiet in RIFFCON save for the droning of alarms, sparking of severed electrical wires, and shifting of debris. After much struggling and many profanities, AdmiralSakai pops out of a rubble pile like an especially bedraggled skeleton and hauls himself into an un-crunched rollie chair. After a few seconds Troy Fisher and Dominic Torus cautiously peek out from an electrical closet and join him- Troy’s armor is smudged with grease and concrete powder, while the Director’s crisp blue uniform is, of course, spotless.*

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide.

Last time Sly, Carmelita, and some rich, chunky OCs named Coal, Bastion, and Claire stormed a RED compound as part of their crazy live-fire live-enemy training exercise. This involved a bunch of fucking around with Sly locking the door to the barracks and some RED soldiers named Ivan, Dimitri (no relation) and Sergio being unable to get it open.

It suddenly occurs to me that none of the OCs this story has introduced have last names. What’s up with that?

Anyway, Claire and Sergio both got killed, and then Photonegative Jayden Warney showed up to evacuate the rest of them and mentioned that the entire Russian Federation has surrendered to RED after Moscow and a bunch of other cities (in Russia?? Worldwide???) were somehow completely destroyed. Ostensibly this was accomplished with nuclear missiles or something, but my money is on giant chapter-size textwalls like the one Stalin69 just dropped on us and called Chapter 10.

*Sakai hauls himself out of his rollie-chair and sizes up the monolith. There is not a single line break to be found within its bulk. With a resigned expression he grabs a crowbar and begins chipping away.*

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2241: Mandalorian Effect – Chapter 8

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 8 – https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11814489/8/Mandalorian-Effect
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of Mandalorian Effect, the fic that kinda sucks. A lot.

Last riff, Dickhead was a dickhead. I instituted a counter to tally up particularly infuriating instances of his dickheadedness, but now I’m scrapping it because I was buzzing it every other ficbit.

Let’s get started, shall we?

New Mandalore, Mining Region

Because the entire planet has one singular mining region

“Tali for the love of Mandalore just tell me what it is you want me to see!” Demanded Alren for the hundredth time as the Qurian women just continued to smile and lead him along one of the many tunnels that made up New Mandalore’s mining district.

“For the love of Mandalore?” Uh, shit-for-brains, you’re Mandalore. That’s what you get to be when you’re in charge of the Mandalorians.

The young leader was not in a very good mood as he had been woken up fairly early and dragged here by Tali because apparently the miners had found something that was very important. Or so Tali had said.

Oh, hell. What new little hunk of bullshit is the fic dumping on him this time?

“No Alren it’s a surprise.” Responded Tali as she continued to drag Alren down another tunnel.

No Alren, and no punctuation either.

Thats a fair tradeoff Ill take it

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2238: Legend of Zelda: The True Force – Chapter Fourteen, Part Two

Title: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Author:  Hikari no Vikki
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Legend of Zelda / Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy
URL: Legend of Zelda: The True Force
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Hey, everyone!  Welcome back to The True Force, where the plot’s stolen and the characters don’t matter!  With me once again is our Star Wars correspondent, Crunchy.

“You seem to be unusually chipper this morning.”

This week we get to finish the two-chapter slog of the Forest Temple, I’m kinda excited to get that behind us.

“I see.  And how much roughage have you had this morning?”

No time to answer, time to recap!  So, last time we had dungeon crawling in the form of a ghost hunt ripped straight from the game, but that really took a back seat to the significant time devoted to everyone being absolutely gobsmacked by hallways going all twisty and then going all un-twisty.  Because apparently animated skeletons, ghosts, time-travel, the Force, fairies, and doors all were insufficient to prepare the group for magical hallway shenanigans.  And that’s really all that happened.

“Essentially, nothing happened.”

Well, nothing new happened.  It’s sort of a different flavor of nothing than the chapters devoted to Vikki’s character interactions.  It’s kinda strange that Vikki has managed to come up with a fic that explores so many diverse ways of padding things out.  Anyway, let’s jump in right where we left off:

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2237: Sly Cooper and the gang occasionally mentioned in: Red Tide — Chapter 9

Title: Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide
Author: Stalin69
Media: Video Game / Movie
Topic: Sly Cooper Trilogy (and a bunch of other garbage)
Genre: Adventure/Crime
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai, JLT. Troy Fisher, and Chief Director (Ret.) Dominic Torus

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Sly Cooper and the gang in: Red Tide, which continues to feature incredibly little screentime for Sly Cooper or the gang.

Previously, Sly got back from the mission where he needed to prove himself to Photonegative Jayden Warney by leading an attack on a RED outpost, only to be told by Photonegative Jayden Warney that he needed to prove himself by leading an attack on a RED outpost. Only this time it’s supposed to be a training mission so it’s even more backwards and needlessly dangerous.

Also we got introduced to Sly’s new generic OC squadmates Coal and Clair (because I guess the old generic squadmates Felix and Don weren’t rich and chunky enough).  We also got Photonegative Jayden Warney’s rich, chunky backstory about having fought in World War II and then betrayed by the Red Army and frozen in ice for several decades which somehow was intended to explain why he at times speaks perfect English and other times in a Russian accent Tarzan grammar and makes him a sort of weird hybrid of a Call of Duty character and Jean Bison from Sly 2. Last but not least Sly had a conversation at PJW’s base with a rich, chunky gardener named Bastion, who apparently has the power to interact with people’s dreams from miles away and sent Sly a rich, chunky vision of… a dental procedure, I guess, it was all very vague. Also characters repeatedly use the non-word ‘attal’ in contexts where they are referring to PJW’s organization, so while I have no idea what that was originally supposed to be I’m just going to use it as the name from now on.

We left off with Sly, Carmelita, possibly Murray, and The C&C Blather Factory camped out in the wilderness as part of their training mission.

Oh yeah, and those missiles that got launched from the RED base a few chapters ago kind of just petered out and did nothing, much like the plot arc in general.

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2236: A Thorned Rose (re-write) – Chapters 8 and 9

Title: A Thorned Rose (re-write)
Author:  Mercs2Girl
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mercenaries Franchise
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapters Eight and Nine
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden

*returns to the reading room, clad once again in my Mandalorian armor, dragging a sealed steel container behind me*

Hello, fellow patrons. I’m ME-Iron-Maiden and I am happy to present to you the long-awaited finale of “A Thorned Rose”.

*waits for the groans to die down*

Today we are plowing the rest of this pile of shit. Remember my Badfic Theorem: there’s a reason why I postulated it. Shit gets even dumber and the pacing skips ludicrous speed, instead going straight to plaid.

*checks my equipment, my usual blasters and Stoklhi Spray Stick ready to go plus one addition*

Since spray stick charges are expensive as hell, I’ve decided to cross franchises and added an Omni-Tool to my loadout. Specifically, I’m going to be using Neural Shock for instances where the Spray Stick or me simply beating the crap out of things isn’t appropriate.

Now I apologize for the extreme delay in getting this riff finished. Working 50 hours per week in a steel stamping and welding shop combined with a bunch of random family shit conspired to keep me from getting anything written. That and this fic is a combination of stupid, bland, and rushed such that I’m having a difficult time being clever and witty. But since winning my first ever Sucktastic Award for my second ever riff to appear in the Library, I’m obliged to see this through, even if I have to revert to simply being pissed off. I may have to channel my inner Sith Lord to get through this.

You all will be happy to note that I will NOT be riffing the remainder of this series of badfics; you will see why as we progress.

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2235: Mandalorian Effect – Chapters 6 and 7

Title: Mandalorian Effect
Author: Nicranger
Media: Film/Video Game
Topic: Star Wars/Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 6
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags)

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back with more of Mandalorian Effect, the fic that dares to tread no new ground whatsoever and blindly regurgitate pretty much every other Mass Effect crossover ever.

Let’s get a start on Chapter 6, shall we?

Hey guys I’m back with the next chapter and I just want to say that the size of the Citadel was a typo and not because I actually thought the damn thing was only 5 kilometers long.

Go fix it, then.

it was supposed to say 45 and a slight error occurred so don’t go biting my head off for it okay?

You only mentioned it so that your Stu could be smug about it (And alright, fine: both Death Stars would have dwarfed the Citadel – 120 and 160 kilometers for each of them to the Citadel’s 45, but these asinine size comparisons really just make the phallic symbol jokes too obvious). You’ll get no sympathy from me.

Now lets just get on to the next chapter of the story!

No, let’s wallow in your insipid author’s notes for the entire chapter.

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2234: FNG: Chapter Three, Part Three (But it’s actually Chapter Two, Part Three)

Title: FNG
Author: Richie23
Media: Video Game
Topic: Rainbow Six: Siege
Genre: Suspense/Adventure
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by SC and Operative SC

Hello, and welcome back to “FNG,” by Richie23! I’m your host, SC, joined by myself, and there was really no good reason that it took me this damn long to update the riff. In fact, I procrastinated so hard on this that I’ve completely forgotten where we ended off last time.

Operative SC: Something about an airport?

I’ll probably look at the previous posts later and feel dumb for forgetting, but for right now, I’m just gonna assume it’s not important and forge ahead.

Operative SC: The SC Method: “Uh, shit, well, let’s just go with it and hope for the best.”

Works like a charm.

Operative SC: Except when it doesn’t.

Which is frequently.

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