2646: The Life of Draven Uniferus – Chapter One

The Life of Draven Uniferus – Chapter One
Title: The Life of Draven Uniferus
Author: Miss Lilianae
Topic: BioShock
Media: Video Game
Genre: None given
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8741319
Critiqued By Crazy Minh and Ensign Jim Jimson

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your guest riffer for today, Crazy Minh, and joining me is my otherworldly helmsman, Ensign Jim Jimson!

A pleasure as always. 

I don’t think we need to go over BioShock again, but as a quick refresher: horror game set in an underwater city filled with insane, genetically modified drug addicts. This fic, however, fucks consistently with the established canon, and also touts a terribly named Gary Stu. Oh, and also there’s angst. Lots of it. 

Draven Uniferus, the common working man, makes his way to Rapture after hearing the rumours about the city. After entering the city he gets caught up in the civil war between Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine.

Uh…isn’t Fontaine assumed to be dead during the civil war? Didn’t Andrew Ryan ambush and kill a body double, while the real Fontaine assumed the identity of a freedom fighter?

Yes, which is just the first of the fuckups this fic makes with the canon. In addition, there’s another problem that we’ll get to in due time, but for now I’ll just get on with the chapter title and the obligatory disclaimer. 

Chapter 1: Introduction to Rapture

Disclaimer: I do not own Bioshock or any of the characters involved except Draven Uniferus

Putting the uselessness of a disclaimer aside, there are a lot of OC’s in this story. The author is therefore claiming possession of only one of the dozens of OC’s in this fic, and leaving the rest at the doorstep of 2K. That seems odd, considering how protective stufic authors are of their crappy OC’s. Or in some sad cases, other people’s crappy OC’s. Then there’s that fucking name.

To put it simply, the name “Draven Uniferus” just screams ‘Gary Stu’. I mean, who calls their child “Draven”?

I dunno man. I once knew a kid named Alpha. Their two other siblings were called ‘Beta’ and ‘Gamma’ respectively. In all fairness, their dad was a nuclear physicist.

But still, those names are actually pretty decent. “Draven Uniferus” is just plain dumb as a name. 

As Zeus Killer pointed out in the comments of the 9th Annual Sucktastic Awards, the name is the sort of thing someone would use as a placeholder until they come up with a name that doesn’t sound stupid. That still doesn’t excuse it from being a serious contender for next year’s Sucktastic award for the stupidest original name, since the author clearly continued to use it in the published version. I’d honestly like to believe that this is a placeholder name, because if the author truly thought that “Draven Uniferus” was a decent name for the character, I really think they should try a little harder next time.

Read the rest of this entry »


2645: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised – Day (Chapter) One

Title: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Author: Master Darth Warious – Lady of Chaos
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Lord of the Rings/Star Wars
Genre: Adventure / Fantasy / Hot Mess
URL: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised
Critiqued by TacoMagic

Heya, patrons!  Now that I’m caught up on all the guest riffs that were sent earlier this Summer, it’s time to dig into the fic I threatened you all with promised to riff back in October during the Spooptoberfest.  For those who need a refresher, I riffed a fic called A Sith’s Halloween, and I had questions.  Many, many questions.  So, to answer probably none of them, we’re now moving on to the parent fic of that one: Two Sith Lords and an Elf revised.  At the time I said I really didn’t want to riff two Star Wars fics in a row, but this thing has forced my hand.

Now, since this is the revised edition, you might expect this to be a polished and refined version of the original.  You also might be new here, greetings!  You’ll find your information and flavor packet under your chair.  Try not to get them wet unless you’ve got a craving for noodles.  Regardless, I’m sure you’ll all come to agree that the original must have been a dumpster fire of epic proportions for the hot mess we’re about to riff to be the improved version.

I’ve also gone ahead and cut our usual Star Wars correspondent loose on this riff, both because I have a feeling this thing will have less to do with Star Wars than True Force did, but also because he tried to bite me in the face when I walked into his room to ask for help.

Anyway, enough stalling, let’s get this shit-storm on the road!  I’m sure that how idiom do, yes?

Summary first!

On request I have re-written this story in a different format and addded information.

Hypothesis:  “revised” may actually mean “twenty-five percent more d.”

Darth Maul, Darth Warious and Haldir of Lothlorien all end up on earth and have ‘adventures’ with a normal life. (Complete)

I’m sure you will all come to agree that ‘adventures’ absolutely deserves those quotation marks.

Onwards to the-

Two Sith Lords and an Elf

By Darth Warious

Disclaimer: I don’t own 4-H, Star Wars, LotR, or any of their characters. I do own the characters, Darth Warious, Commander Rogue Dragon, Lillian and Pegasus.

Oh, right.  One of those.

Wait, does that say “Commander Rogue Dragon”?  And why the hell are you disclaiming ownership of 4-H?

*Taco slowly slides the bottle of scotch off the shelf and sets it on the riffing desk.*

Trouble brewin’.

I suppose your gonna hit us with an author’s note now, right?

Huh, there isn’t one.  That almost never happens!  A moment.

*Quickly flips through the fic*

Well, look at that, there are author’s notes, but they are some of the least chatty and pointless I’ve seen in a long time and seem to always be placed as a footnote to the chapter.  If that lasts the entire fic, I may end up having to hand over a redemption cookie because this is one of the least bad implementations of authors notes I’ll have riffed.

Sadly, that may turn out to be the high-point of what we’re about to be subjected to.

Read the rest of this entry »


2640: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 14 Part 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 14
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Stumans showed up over Palaven and a highly daybooked attritional slugfest of a naval battle took place, resulting in the complete obliteration of the Turian Navy. What a surprise.

Also, in their continuing effort to avoid provoking the Citadel into the full military response they should really by all rights already be engaging, some of those stupid Spartan knockoffs invaded the Citadel again, killed the Spectres providing security to the Council Chamber (again), and kidnapped the Councilors.

We left off just as the humans were launching a full-scale orbital barrage against Palaven intended to destroy major population centers -but not using any nuclear weapons, because that would be too indiscriminate for some reason- in preparation for what is sure to be a confusing, edgy, self-righteous and boring ground invasion.

first_war_bb_13

Read the rest of this entry »


2636: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 14 Part 2

-WARNING-
While not to such a degree as the previous segment, this one continues to contain potential flamebait in the form of War On Terror tactica talking-points that can’t really be addressed without to some degree bringing up people and movements still active in the political sphere today.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 14
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, Daddy McStu employed unnecessarily brutal, unnecessarily elaborate, and ultimately rather ineffective torture tactics on some random turian POW, and there was a great deal of confusion about whether the Codex entries that are bloating up an alarming amount of this chapter are subject to in-universe censorship or not. Also a bunch of Pointless Panic about Element Zero contamination happened (including another invocation of the ever-mysterious “Terraforming Discs”), and the preparations for the strategically highly confusing invasion of Palaven marched on to their inevitable stupid conclusion.

first_war_bb_13

It occurs to me that this bingo board has now gone through thirteen distinct revisions. Nearly one every single chapter.

Read the rest of this entry »


2642: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 14 Part 1

-WARNING-
This chapter includes some scenes of fairly brutal torture. It’s not as pervy or gross as most of the creepypasta we’ve riffed (indeed, there’s little to no actual description of anything at all), and unlike the previous one this chapter doesn’t make any explicit comparisons to any IRL historical/political entities, but it is pretty damn difficult to riff it without addressing topics fairly closely related.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 14
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last chapter, Grand Moff Whyney reiterated his nonsensical strategy for bullying the Citadel Council into submission on Alliance-wide television, using a painfully contorted World War II analogy that backfired on him in every conceivable way. And then a racist krogan stereotype fought the knockoff-Spartans in the Wards after they for some reason decided to sneak into his house. He got killed, of course, and then some random Citadel residents felt the need to recap the events of the chapter and promulgate unfounded conspiracy theories that the humans are actually protheans.

first_war_bb_12

Read the rest of this entry »