2406: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 2

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: Mass Effect Edition: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Previously, the whole “quarian-human first contact” thing inched minutely closer to actually having high-level talks, with a delegation of humans being formed to meet with a quarian forward party on Earth. One of them was an individual named Christopher McGraw who is a super-successful teenage prodigy engineer with a cybernetic arm, daddy issues, an insolent attitude, and a prissy AI assistant- basically, Tony Stark with none of the redeeming qualities. I hate him already.

first_war_bb_4

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2401: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 4 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Tale: Mass Effect.

Last time, the unnecessary face-to-face meeting between the Alliance and the quarians devolved into an unnecessary gunfight between the Alliance and the quarians after the quarians saw an AI and freaked out. But then the humans and their Spartan-knockoffs wiped the floor with the quarians and all was made fine and dandy  and the AI got to preach a bunch, so this didn’t really amount to anything other than making the last few chapters both a peaceful cheerleader First Contact and a curbstomp First Contact at the exact same time.

I didn’t even know that was possible, but HFY finds a way.

first_war_bb_4

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2398: Athame’s Light – Chapter One

Title: Athame’s Light
Author: Legionary Prime
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by SC and Spectre Myrai T’Sayaa

I’m actually shocked you had time to show up for this.

Spectre Myrai: I’m on standby until the Council is done sifting through the paperwork from my last mission, so I figured I’d swing by. Me, on the other hand, I’m surprised you invited me back, after what happened.

Why? I didn’t want the damn guns in the first place, that was a burden that was quite literally thrown into my arms. I don’t have a beef with you for it.

Spectre Myrai: Yeah, but your friend-

Contacts is not my friend. In fact, I’m pretty sure Contacts is nobody’s friend.

Spectre Myrai: I see.

In any event, I figured, since this fic has a lot to do with Asari, that it only made sense to let you sit in on the riff. Show of good faith and all that.

Spectre Myrai: Don’t these riffs have a tendency to go badly?

Yeah, but not always, some are just fun.

Spectre Myrai: So this isn’t a spite-driven thing?

Nope!

Spectre Myrai: Well, what’s the fic?

*SC gestures to his computer screen*

Athame’s Light

The Asari encountered the Humans many years before the Turians did. This will drastically change the mass effect timeline, including one big one, Shepard is born an Asari as a result of a pairing between an Asari survivor and a famous Human War Hero. Join Athena T’Sarr/Shepard as she struggles to prove herself to both the Alliance, Asari and the galaxy as a whole

Spectre Myrai: …Are you really still that sore about the guns?

No, I told you, this isn’t me being spiteful.

Spectre Myrai: Then why-?

Because Contacts chose the fic. And he is spiteful.

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2396: Mass Foundations: A New Day, Chapter Two

Title: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Author:  Nord Ronnoc
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden and special guest Jennifer Mui

 

DISCLAIMER: THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC, NORD RONNOC, AND RESIDENT LIBRARIAN HERR WOZZECK HAVE SOME HISTORY WITH ONE ANOTHER WHICH INCLUDES AN ON-AGAIN/OFF-AGAIN FEUD. I AM FAMILIAR WITH BOTH PARTIES AND HAVE NO STAKE OR INVOLVEMENT IN SAID FEUD. THIS IS SIMPLY A CRITIQUE OF NORD RONNOC’S STORY; NOTHING MORE OR LESS.

Welcome back to the Riff of Mass Foundations: A New Day, everyone. I’m your host ME-Iron-Maiden joined once again by Earth’s Most Expensive Mercenary, Jennifer Mui.

*waits for the applause and groans to die down*

Now before we begin, we need to do some preparations. *holds out a SIG-Sauer P226 in 9mm along with several magazines and ammo for the same to Mui*

Mui: You’re sure about this?

It’s just a precaution. Besides, I won’t have it said that I wasn’t accommodating to my guests.

Mui: “A precaution?” What sort of situation are we going to get into where I’m going to need a sidearm?

You never know in this place. Might be bullshit from the fic, or some of our more colorful and/or annoying denizens will cause a mess that needs cleaned up.

Mui: Fair enough. Ever since Venezuela, I’ve become rather attached to the idea of being armed at all times.

I hear you on that. Let’s get started, shall we? Last chapter, Not!Art found a magick orb that sent him flying through space and time, dumping him head-first into the Citadel Reservoir. Unfortunately, he got fished out of there before he drowned and we have to continue on. First off we get an Author’s Note!

Mui: Are we going to be dealing with this every chapter?

It’s another common thing with fanfiction: authors just love leaving notes in their fics that add nothing to the story. Another trap I fell into myself.

Mui: *sighs* Fine. At least I’m not nursing a hangover this time…

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2394: Mass Effect: The Worst Bore — Chapter 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 3
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First Mass Effect War: A Mass Effect Story: Mass Effect.

Last time, the quarian and human first contact teams finally got around to learning each other’s languages and setting up a face-to-face meeting. Then the quarians freaked out because the humans had an AI with them. And that was literally it.

CunkToad might have been willing to give this story more of a pass because there are long stretches where there is little to nothing technically wrong with it, ranging from basic spelling and grammar all the way up to the logical justification of characters’ actions. I, however, am not, because those passages also don’t accomplish anything worth reading about. We do not need to see all of the minutiae of the humans and quarians arranging a face-to-face meeting (and why they even need to do such a thing at this early stage instead of just using Space Skype remains a mystery to me); if nothing particularly informative about the story’s larger objectives or themes happens during that meeting we can just skip over it and everyone will assume it went fine. In fact, we’re some twenty thousand words in and I still don’t have the faintest idea what its larger objectives or themes even are. Other than sucking off the humans and ripping off a bunch of stuff from Halo with worse names, I guess, since we lit up the HFY Bingo Board pretty effectively, but even the standard HFY ship/gun/exposition porn was pretty thin on the ground most of the time. It’s interminable.

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2392: SUECOM: Mirror Image – Chapter 2, Part 1

Minh Header 07 13 2019

Title: XSGCOM Mirror Image
Author: Hotpoint
Topic: X-COM: UFO Defence/Stargate SG1
Media: Video game/TV show
Genre: Adventure
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Crazy Minh

Hello folks, and welcome back to “XSGCOM: Mirror Image”! I’m your guest host, Crazy Minh, and today we cover the first part of the second chapter! Now for a recap!

Previously on XSGCOM: Mirror Image…

SUECOM SOLDIER: What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire UK armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the world and you’re being located right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United Kingdom Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your question was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

MAJOR WADE: Hey, all I asked was where the bathroom was! You don’t have to get defensive! Also, stop snarling at the wall. It’s giving me the wrong impression.

***

MAJOR WADE: So what’s this thing?

SUECOM SOLDIER: It’s da most powarful gun in da house!

MAJOR WADE:  It looks like a bright red dildo.

SUECOM SOLDIER: Well, what do you think we use it for? Killing aliens?

***

SUECOM SOLDIER: We’re so xenophobic that we’re going to kill Earth’s most powerful ally, even though we stand no chance at all!

MAJOR WADE: Oh god…you can’t do that! The Asgard are our friends!

SUECOM SOLDIER: THEY’RE CALLED SECTOIDS YOU SACK OF SHIT!!! WE LOVE WATCHING THEM GET VIVISECTED!!! IT’S CALLED MOVIE NIGHT AROUND THERE PARTS!!!

MAJOR WADE: Um…I’ve gotta go…I don’t have time for assholes.

And now the continuation…

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2390: Mass Foundations: A New Day – Chapter One

Title: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Author:  Nord Ronnoc
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Mass Foundations: A New Day
Critiqued by: ME-Iron-Maiden and special guest Jennifer Mui

You ok?

Mui: *groans* “The hell kind of question is that?”

Hey, I told you how potent that tihaar is.

Mui: “Shut up and let’s get on with it.”

Right.

Hello everyone and welcome to the first chapter in my latest riff target: “Mass Foundations: A New Day”! Let’s get cracking.

Chapter 1: Arrival

Oh, damn. He’s jumping right in with blowing up the Alpha relay and killing a Batarian colony.

Mui: “Wait, what? You’re going to have to explain.”

In a nutshell, “Arrival” is the name of a downloadable content mission for the video game Mass Effect 2 where you destroy an entire star system to prevent an invasion of sentinent machines hell-bent on harvesting all organics in a never-ending cycle that repeats every 50,000 years.

Mui: “So that’s why we’ve never seen aliens for real?”

Pretty much. Anyways, this star system held a colony of the Batarian Hegemony, a sworn enemy of humanity and millions of civilians died. Needless to say, it was a fucked-up situation. Now I know I snarked the Author’s Note in my last submission, but I’d like to point something out:

UPDATE 1/14/17

So this note is from 2017. The original post date?

Published: Apr 12, 2016

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