Hello, dearest Patrons!
Welcome back to this Jurassic Park that has been having fewer and fewer dinosaurs in it as the fic progresses. I’m fairly certain that’s not a bad thing.
In the previous chapter, Vetty Sue, in the grips of some sort of ill-defined illness, started playing tour guide during the automated tour of the park. She’s not very good at it, since the group breezed by some miscellaneous herbivores on their way to the raptor enclosure. I assume this is where most of this chapter will take place.
“And this is the raptor pen”, I declared, walking up the metal stairs towards the observation area.
It frickin’ sucks being right all the time.
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another chapter of (alleged) raptor lovin’!
In the last chapter Nameless was finally able to treat Flint’s superficial burns with magically appearing medical supplies, although they spent most of the time just watching Flint sleep like some kind of weirdo before wandering back to their dorm room. The timeline of the fic has been weird; Nameless went from a summer intern on their first day to someone who has been at the park for an extended period of time within the space of a few paragraphs. It’s a really wonky timesquiggle that really never acknowledges that there’s been any kind of linear progression of time at all.
Sunlight assaulted my eyes as birds chirped their bright, cheery morning tunes. I immediately closed my eyes, but the bright image was already burned into my retinas.
Didn’t Nameless pull all the curtains closed the night before?
My head felt groggy, like there was a thick, cloudy mist blanketing all my thoughts, and my body was a lead weight stuck on the bed.
Yeah, but you’re a college student. I don’t see how this would be different from a normal morning. It isn’t even really all that different from the previous “Nameless wakes up late” scene in the first chapter.
I reluctantly stood up, causing my sheets to pool around my ankles.
… Nameless does not know how to make their bed properly. Or they are literally standing up on top of their bed.
I shivered harshly at the abrupt cold, but knew that I had to get ready.
From what I remember, Nameless put on flannel pajamas (that they brought with them to a tropical island) before wrapping themselves in a blanket-burrito. If anything, they are probably too hot, not too cold.
Today, I’m supposed to be leading a group of people, two paleontologists, a mathematician, a lawyer and two kids, around the park, and introduce them to most of our dinosaurs while going over the safety measures we take into account for both the guests and the animals.
…Right. Because of course the park would want to give such a tremendous responsibility for a tour that will determine if the board of directors will continue funding the park – a role which the park owner John Hammond has in the original, highlighting just how important it is – to the summer intern who can’t even come in out of the rain at night.
Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another chapter of exciting dinosaur on human action!
At least I assume we’ll eventually be getting to the exciting dinosaur on human action; the first chapter did little more than introduce the nameless and genderless protagonist before dumping them into the raptor enclosure alone with no supplies and no hope of doing anything useful.
Let’s see how they’re doing, shall we?
The alpha raptor lying on the damp ground eyed me wearily as I settled on my knees beside her.
Despite only being injured on her forelimbs, the raptor is laying down in a vulnerable position. I’m still kind of hoping she’s the bait to get Nameless closer, but that’s probably just wishful thinking.
Her clawed hands were burned a deep, dark red and trembled underneath her weight as she attempted to stand and assert her dominance.
If she was so concerned with trying to assert her dominance, why was she laying down in the first place? Showing a weakness, like those burns, would just be asking for one of the other raptors to challenge for the position of alpha.
That’s when I noticed it.
“She” was actually a he!
… So ‘it’ is the raptor’s penis?
Hello, dear Patrons!
As you can tell from the fic rundown, this is a Jurassic Park Romance fic, and – surprise, surprise – it isn’t Taco who’s riffing it!
Shocking, I know.
Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
My first Jurrasic Park fic and my second actual fic. A girl is working on Isla Nublar when the storm comes and all the power is shut off. The raptors, who have taken a liking to her after she visited them several times, see this as a chance to escape, but the alpha isn’t leaving without her, his mate. This story is basically their adventures and struggles before and after the storm
Yeah, this looks like another fic ‘inspired’ by Raptor and I or Life with Raptors or any of the numerous other fics written in this vein. Taco wasn’t kidding when he said there were a lot of these. Most likely the Sue will be a high school student inexplicably hired as a groundskeeper and/or vet tech and receive countless special privileges despite have no qualifications that would entitle them to such.
~I just wanted to say a quick thanks to all my readers, old and new~
I just had a birthday, so I’m now one year closer to being an old reader. I’ve already got my shakin’ cane polished and a rocking chair to go with my horde of cats.
Today was my first day on the job and I was scared witless.
That sounds about right for a first job.
Title: The Competition
Topic: The Outsiders/Sing (2016)
Genre: Drama and Humor
URL: The Competition
Critiqued by Angie and Queenie
No! No! I don’t want to finish The Girl! I hate this! This fanfiction is ruining what I love about my favorite book! I won’t do it, I won’t do it, I won’t do it.
There’s really no reason to tie me up.
Queenie: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Are you having fun?
Queenie: Yeah, I’m having a good time.
Couldn’t be happier for you.
Hey, everyone. So…Queenie reminded me that I didn’t—
…couldn’t finish The Girl. And as punishment, she gave me this crapfest.
Queenie: I dig deep.
Bright blessings, dear Patrons!
I did have another fic lined up, but given that it is the festive winter season I thought I would indulge in the Librarian semi-observed tradition of finding a holiday-themed oneshot. Also, Syl’s been into the eggnog so I decided to make a strategic retreat to the bunker and all my fic notes are back in my desk.
:gets comfy in tinsel nest:
This one comes from the town bicycle of fanfics, Twilight, a source material that has as little to do with the pagan traditions of Yule as it does with traditional vampires and werewolves.
Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?
Bella is a priestess in training; Edward is a woodsman, and they are in love. Edward is given a the task of cutting down tree for the annual Yule Festival. B E Romance w/metaphysical overtones.
I’m getting a very strong wish-fulfillment vibe already. This is probably going to be one of those fics where the author writes what is essentially original material but uses the names of canon characters for some reason.
The Yule Tree
We already know what the title of the fic is, you know.
Summary: Bella is a priestess in training; Edward is a woodsman, and they are in love. Edward is given a the task of cutting down tree for the annual Yule Festival. B+E Romance w/metaphysical overtones.
…And we’ve already read the summary. Why is this here?
Title: A customary waffles to an isolated existence
Topic: Harry Potter/Hamilton/My Immortal
Genre: Humor and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie
It gets worse!
Welcome back, guys, gals and non-binary pals and I’m reviewing the long awaited sequel to “A spiritual waffles after an isolate existence”. This was written more than a year after the original because it’s clearly a story that needed to be continued. This sequel is significantly shorter, clocking in at just under seven hundred words, where the original was around sixteen hundred. Keep in mind these are both several chapters long. It’s also significantly worse, seeing as the grammar quality took a massive nose dive.
(Note: When I copied this onto Google Docs, it rounded out to one and a half pages. This is going to be mighty fun.)