2453: Halloween Oneshots – Spooptoberfest Part Three

Title: All Souls’ Day
Author: pronker
Media: Movie (Book)
Topic: Star Wars
Genre: Spoopy Horror
URL: All Souls’ Day
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Howdy, patrons!  Welcome back to the spooptoberfestivities!  We’ll be starting off today with the last of the pronker trio!  Crunchy, care to recap the first two for us?

“Nothing happened.”

Yup!  But this week will be different!  Well, no it won’t but at least we have an author’s note this time.

Author’s Note: This is finally getting Roan out of the pickle I put him in in 2007. Completion of the stories “Lord Vader Needs Feet” and “Jedi Zombie.”

“I suppose we can be thankful this note is at least pertinent to the story, if still entirely unnecessary.”

Onward to the-

IOIOIOIOIO

“To the six-hundred-eighty-two?”

I’m sure that’s foreshadowing.

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2447: Halloween Oneshots – Spooptoberfest Part Two

Title: Lord Vader Needs Feet & Jedi Zombie: A Halloween Story
Author: pronker
Media: Movie (Book)
Topic: Star Wars
Genre: Spoopy Horror
URLs: Lord Vader Needs FeetJedi Zombie: A Halloween Story
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Darth Lord Crunchy (Retired)

Happy spoopy Wednesday, patrons!  I’m coming at you this week with the first two of a three-part series of little oneshots that are, well, not good. Very, very not good.  And since we’ve got Star Wars on the menu this week, I have our Star Wars correspondent helping out today.

“I loathe you.”

So you’ve said.

So, our “horror” special starts with “Lord Vader Needs Feet,” which initially I imaged was some kind of fetish fic, but turns out is actually more mundane.

“Presumably it has to do with Vader having a large percentage of his body replaced with cybernetics, yes?”

Indeed it would.  Here’s the summary, not that it helps.

Vader needs to testdrive some modifications to his suit and uses any Jedi that he can lay his mechnohands on.

“‘Mechanohands?’  This is not going to be very good, is it?”

No, it really isn’t.  Let’s get this over with.

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2433: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 2

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by The Librarian formerly known as Satan’s Teacup

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the next chapter of what will undoubtedly be a rollercoaster ride into Crazy Town. The first chapter’s ‘narration’ portion was largely an unmarked Author’s Note from dear ol’ JK for the most part, so here’s hoping there is some actual fic somewhere in this fic.

Harry and Hermione confront their problems…

Presumably these problems center completely on how they aren’t allowed to have sex with each other because the whole convoluted “cousins via godparent” thing caused by Harry’s godfather being the brother of Hermione’s father instead of them legitimately being related because their mothers were sisters.

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2427: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger – Chapter 1

Title: My true truth expose on Hermione Jean Granger
Author: jkrowlingreal
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Suspense
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat Satan’s Teacup

 

 

 

 

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, dear Patrons, and welcome to a brand new fic! I had sort of planned to start working on a long-ish Skyrim wankfic, but then changed my mind since I would have to cut it off for our annual Spooktober. You will sadly have to wait to read about the conflict between the Fempire and those rebellious Stormclits. Today’s fic is still a work in progress, as I’m writing this a fresh chapter has just been posted a few hours ago, so it is bound to get longer but I don’t mind breaking it up. Now, I don’t normally work of fics that are in-progress just by personal preference, but this one is just a very wibbly-wobbly ball of wack-assery that is practically the embodiment of an onion of failure.

Let’s take a look at the summary; which, for once, is not what drew me to the fic but still waves many red flags.

This is the truth about the first draft I’ve written about the characters of my Harry Potter stories and I would’ve preferred to publish every first draft instead of what is currently on the market so I will rewrite and refine the first drafts, to have the real genetics and the magical laws involved like how I prefer my stories to be realistic than fantasy.

First off – that is all one sentence. Yikes. Secondly, this is a series with physics-breaking magic happening on the regs yet the ‘real’ author of the series claims to prefer realism over fantasy.

Right.

And I seriously doubt any halfway decent author would ever claim that they wanted to publish their first drafts. First drafts are frickin’ nightmares. I also find it funny that the author claims to want to publish the first drafts, but in the same sentence says that they are going to “rewrite and refine” those first drafts – a process normally referred to as ‘editing’ which would make them no longer first drafts.

As you might be able to tell, the author claims repeatedly, both in the fic and in their bio, that they are the real JK Rowling. They will not shut up about how they are, for real and for true, the legitimate person known as JK Rowling. In fact, there are only two fics in their profile, this one and what is essentially a long Author’s Note claiming that they are the real JK Rowling among other rambling nonsense including the “fact” that there are special American police departments (and British Bobby departments) specifically set up to track down fanfic authors’ names and addresses so that the owners of the intellectual properties can send them cease and desist letters for not adhering to the canon pairings. Because that’s definitely something Generic Police Dept officers spend their time doing.

On to the fic! Which starts off with an Author’s Note.

AN: This is the real Joanne Kathleen Rowling, or known as J.K. Rowling, and yes I am the real deal and all.

Welp, I’m finally convinced. It’s not like total dumbasses can’t go around on completely anonymous sites like ff.net and claim to be whomever they want. I couldn’t, I don’t know, just change my username to Satan’s Teacup without the Internet Police checking to make sure I was, in fact, crockery owned by the devil.

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The ‘Rama’ Sequels: A Literary Hard-SF Trainwrecktrospective

Title: Rama II and The Garden of Rama
Author: Arthur C. Clarke (theoretically) and Gentry Lee
Media: Literature
Topic: Rendezvous with Rama
Genre: Sci-Fi
URL: They are actual printed books that you have to actually buy.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

As Mass Effect The First War continues to drag on to an uncertain conclusion, I’ve decided I’ll be taking a break every five or so chapters to keep things interesting around here. Normally I’ll be riffing oneshots or fanart or doing goodfic recommendations during these interludes, but there’s something else I’ve been meaning to look at for a good long while now that, while it falls under LotD’s general umbrella of “really terrible writing based on a pre-existing canon”, is not technically fanfiction. Think of this as similar in a lot of ways to Bats’s comic retrospectives, although really it probably is closer to just plain fanfiction that somehow got published alongside the original source material.

Please be aware that I have blacked out spoilers for the original work here, although those are mostly confined to the summary of said original work since the sequels have precious little to do with its mythology.

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2404: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 3 & 4

 

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 3
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by Ghostcat

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to the last (thus far) two chapters of this continuing saga of a crossover.

In the last chapters Lex had a screaming nightmare and was left alone by her erstwhile guardians so she could chat on the phone with her boyfriend, followed by her arriving home from school to find ominous messages written in blood on her mattress – despite living in a household full of people with unnaturally enhanced senses specifically honed towards blood – and then she got dressed up for a party the family is throwing because reasons, likely something to do with the park since the other named characters from the film are supposed to be attending.

Now, on to the fic!

Once again, Lex found herself wishing that she could be anywhere but where she was.

Stuck in a badfic? I sympathize, but I’m not breaking the security cordon around the Literary Extractor to bust you out. One useless badfic character in the Library is enough.

:Markus leans in and give Ghostie the finger:

Get out of my riff! Shouldn’t you be off disappointing Crunchy?

:Markus leaves:

And take this finger with you! Dumbass.

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2397: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe – Chapters 1 & 2

 

Title: Just Watch Her Bleed Until She Can’t Breathe
Author: AmazingGraceless
Media: Movie/Book
Topic: Jurassic Park/Jurassic World/Twilight
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

Hello, dear Patrons, and welcome to another fic! This one is also from the Jurassic park/World section and is also a crossover, but this time it’s a crossover with the town bicycle of fanfics, Twilight!

And it gets better! Not only is it another JP/Twilight crossover, but it’s a sequel to another fic we’ve already seen – the cavalcade of strangeness that is She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes.

You know what that means!

Also, the author really has a thing for nonsensical titles.

Weirdness aside, that fic seemed fairly complete, ending with the Sue being stalked by paparazzi at school and pitching a bitch-fit regarding how triggered she was that was soothed by attention from a cute boy. It just sort of fizzled out like many we see in the Library, so I have no idea where this sequel is supposed to be going. I’m sure the summary will let us know.

Sequel to She’s Got a Little Bit of Raptor in Her Angel Eyes. Carlisle now heads InGen and the Volturi plot to use this to take down the Cullens once and for all, starting with the death of Lex. But what happens when Claire’s nephews and Owen are in the wrong place at the wrong time? Enter Forks at its most dangerous and deadly time.

The fic hasn’t even started yet and I already have questions. How would the Volturi use the fact that Carlisle is (for some inexplicable reason) now the head of a company to ‘take down’ the Cullen clan? The sparklepires do have a masquerade in place to prevent normies from getting suspicious, but as long as Carlisle retires before anyone notices that he doesn’t age and doesn’t do anything stupid like make herds of sparklesaurs he should be fine.

…There’s going to be herds of sparklesaurs, isn’t there? And they’re going to try to attack all the named characters from the movie (who will apparently all be in Forks at the same time with the sparklesaurs because reasons) and the Sue is going to have to save them, isn’t she?

Crapcakes.

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