2514: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 9 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Today’s riff touches on issues relating to the regulation and use of weapons of mass destruction. This is partially a fairly standard flamebait warning because I am aware the topic could become contentious (see Call of Duty, Black Hell Ops, previously), but is also somewhat unusual in that I am willing to discuss the topic in more detail in the comments- there just wasn’t room, or relevancy for it in the riff proper.

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the turians finally got their bony asses in gear and bombed New York, by firing at some kind of human ship in orbit and missing. This resulted in the usual screeching from the OUTRAAAAGE!!!! Society, and… that was about it.

Oh yeah, and then, like literally tens of thousands of those dreadful SPARTAN knockoffs finally arrived. I can only imagine the cerulean carnage they‘re going to wreak on the unfortunate turians, assuming they ever actually get around to landing.


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2513: Two Worlds Collide – Chapters 10-14

Title: Two Worlds Collide
Author: Ghostwriter85
Media: Book
Topic: A Christmas Carol
Genre: Romance / Sci-Fi
URL: Chapters 101112, 13, and 14
Critiqued by BatJamags, Kane, and the Ghost of Riffing Guests Yet to Come

Dummarization count: 16

In this riff, Kane learns The True Meaning of Christmas™!

Kane: … Doubtful.

Uh… right. Anyway, hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags, and I’m back, with the Riffcave’s resident Scrooge, Kane, but not the Riffcave’s resident stooge, who was our guest last time.

Kane: I’m sure that line is the product of the previous week’s worth of intense concentration.

Humbug to you too, smartass.

The Ghost of Riffing Guests Yet to Come: Y’all aren’t very civil around here, are you?

Ah, it’s all in good fun. Right, Kane?

Kane: I despise you.

Anyway, this is our Ghost of Riffing Guests Yet to Come (GRGYC for short), also known as a random OC of mine who may or may not appear in some variety of original story in the future, and will probably show up in one of my superhero-related riffs at some point, because otherwise I’ve just created a time paradox. Say hi, Anna!

Anna: Hi, Ann- Wait, are we sure it’s OK for them to know my name?

Ah, they’re trustworthy.

Well, any given one of them is either trustworthy or incompetent.

For the most part.

Kane: A ringing endorsement.

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2512: Emay and her Nightmar before Christmas – Chapters 1 & 2

Title: Emay and her Nightmar before Christmas
Author: crazyone256
Media: Movie
Topic: NIghtmare before Christmas
Genre: Romance/Humor
URL: Chapter 1
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Ghostcat



Generic greetings, dear Patrons! I hope everyone has had a pleasant Winter Celebration Season. I have one more little fic that I thought I would pull out before the end of the year, because it is quite short. And also because it’s an absolute grammatical train-wreck.

Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

This is for my sister so please no flames. Rating’s may change

Well, that was … terse. Now, on to the fic!

Co-Hi I’m doing this for my sis so please no flames.

I’m feeling a sense of something like I’ve seen this before.


…Do you mean ‘prologue’? Because you’re not even close.

Emay Pov.


And there’s a POV Tag. Awesome. This is already ticking a lot of boxes for me and we haven’t even gotten to the fic proper yet.

There is a place out their ware there are…. Seven doors.

Are these doors wares because they are for sale? Is Bats’ cleaning out his garage or something?

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2511: AU058 A Family Christmas – A FF7 Nothing Christmas Oneshot

Title: AU058 A Family Christmas
Author:  Ikuni Hattori
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Family/Christmas/Nothing
URL: AU058 A Family Christmas
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Happy Sithmas, everybody! Now, we’ll be getting back to the slow-motion train-wreck that is True Force next week, but today we have a tradition to uphold.  The tradition of the Final Fantasy Nothing Christmas Fic™!

“Why do we have this tradition again?”

It’s Sithmas, we gotta do something to embrace the hate, right?  How’s your Thanatos prospects looking this year.

“Sadly I have apparently not been up to snuff this year.  Another will have the good fortune in battling the god of death with hopes of wresting one night of ultimate power over mortality from him.”

Bummer.  It’s probably all the babysitting you were roped into.

Evil babysitting.”

Uh-huh.  I’m sure that made front-page news.  Anyway, we’ve got a lot of nothing to get through this year, so let’s get poppin’!

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2510: HE SEES YOU WHEN YOUR SLEEPING — Crappy Holidays

Author: Someone on Reddit, I think?
Media: Music??
Topic: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town???
Genre: Creepypasta
URL: Trollpasta Rehost
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai and Guard-Novitiate Psk’nyor “Nina” C’hon

Hello hello all you patrons, and happy holidays!

“Oh, bah humglub. Your species takes all the fun out of your holidays, you know that? You have this guy who, when he was born, the local king is supposed to’ve killed every single other whelp in the area just to make sure he got that one, and then the entire point of his life was to get nailed to a piece of wood while he was still alive. And you celebrate this by… bringing a tree indoors and giving each other toys? I’m disappointed!”

Well, I was going to dedicate this post to a goodriff or retrospective of the Christmas episode of CunkToad’s Semper Vigilo Anthologies (assuming he finished the damn thing), but since you did ask…

*Reaches over and presses a button very clearly labelled “CHRISTMAS MUSIC”*

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