2604: To Waste A Thousand Words — Chapter 4 and 5

-WARNING-
Nazis?
Nazis.
Also some sort of weird rapist cult thing.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Gone.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Words.

A lot has happened since the previous riff, with CrazyMinh’s review of Chapter 3 bringing the author to our comments section and starting a surprisingly civil conversation that cleared up a lot of ambiguity about the neo-Nazi talking points that appeared in previous chapters. Since the actual content of the story (as opposed to the author’s notes) has been getting less and less offensive as it goes on, I don’t foresee much problem continuing.

[MESSAGE FROM THE FUUUUTURE: Famous last words.]

In fact, the actual content of the story is getting less and less storyish as it goes on, thanks to our good friend Mr. Plot Regurgitation. Last chapter, for instance, Shepard talked with Miranda Lawson and Garrus and then got orders to go to Ilium, and the Council went to Earth to watch a Nazi Posturing Parade, and that was… basically it.

thousand_years_bb_3

Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 9

Porsche Counter: 5

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2589: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 3

-WARNING-
This chapter contains more potential flamebait in the form of the author continuing to ramble about the Middle East, zionism, communism, and a bunch of other random hot-button crap.

Also, there are still Nazis.
Theoretically.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years. It’s been a while, actually, due to my own writing kind of taking over for a little bit, but now I’m back in this for as long as it takes to finish this stupid Wehraboo ‘Muchafic that I riffed as a break from The First War but is turning out to be basically exactly like The First War.

Last time we got… a timeline. A timeline in which, after very rapidly exterminating all of the Communist powers (and also the Japanese Empire) from the world, the Third Reich pretty much took a back seat to our old pal ‘Murca, which along with Great Britain had been given a paper-thin fascist makeover. Britain and Russia somehow got absorbed into the Reich and France never stopped being under the Vichy government, but other than that the Nazis really did not do much other than murderize the Communists (who I thought they had already messily exterminated) in Vietnam. A sort of Space Race happened (more of a space run, really, or possibly a space wank, since the might of the Wehrmacht the author had already eliminated every possible competitor) where the Third Reich was more of a Third Wheel to the Axis-aligned United States, complete with side-by-side flags on the Moon. Although they did manage to allow everyone on Earth with a telescope to get a look at their enormous Axis Space Station which could hold twelve men inside of it at once.

If you are wondering what any of this has to do with Mass Effect, yeah, the answer is ‘not very much at all’. Presumably the slight chronological acceleration of the milestones of the space program had something to do with the crashed Council ship they’d encountered in Antarctica, but it never really says. Somewhat more sophisticated but not particularly Council-like technology just kind of pomfs into being for no reason.

We’ve just gotten up to about 1981 in the timeline and it is still going.

Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 7

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2570: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 2

-WARNING-
The author begins to put his political views on fairly public display in this chapter, and they are… pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a guy who writes alternate-history HFY fanfiction featuring weirdly defanged Nazis.

Also, weirdly defanged Nazis are still Nazis, and are still in this ‘fic.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years.

Last time, we had a boringly mostly adequate section where some U-Boat captain found a wrecked Council ship in Antarctica, then for some reason this influx of new technology and weapons made Hitler want to reopen peace talks with the British because that‘s totally how Nazis would think.

Actually, “because that’s totally how Nazis would think” is shaping up to be a countable offense in this ‘fic, because these seem to be Nazis with every hint of racism or other undesirable qualities neatly and authorially excised.

This all brings us to the second half of Chapter 1, where the ‘fic becomes less of an implausible alternate-historical ‘fic and more of a regular old HFY ‘fic with, what else, a massive timeline featuring implausible events we mostly couldn’t care less about!

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2562: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 3

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the second half of Sweet Disaster, which is proving to be not at all sweet but indeed pretty damn disastrous.

Last time, Lady ‘Kalmon Filter’s dad wandered into the unclearly-explained facility where Nakastura lives, and raged around a bunch because he couldn’t find his daughter, but then she showed up and was all “BECUZ I LUV HIM!!!!” and that calmed her old man down somehow. Also Nakastura and his sister routinely beat up the Marines under their command for really no reason. And that was about it.

This story is sliding into nothing-fic territory incredibly quickly, and if I’d known that going in instead of assuming it’d all be as ridiculous as the first scene I don’t think I’d’ve riffed it. After all, if I wanted to read more edgy imbeciles screaming about nothing much while the plot grinds to a halt to accommodate them, I’d’ve just kept on with First War.

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2557: Sweet Disaster — One-Shot, Part 2

Title: Sweet Disaster
Author: HeiKitsune
Media: Video Game
Topic: Halo
Genre: Romance/”Humor”
URL: The Entire ‘Fic
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the second half of Sweet Disaster, which is proving to be not at all sweet but indeed pretty damn disastrous.

Last time, we were treated to an extended interlude involving the hangover of one “Kane Nakamura”, an edgy UNSC employee of unclear rank or section who has a variety of accents, ‘nanomachines’ in his blood, and a cybernetic arm that even Freddy Kruger is looking at and being like “Dude, chill with the random knives on everything”. He woke up in bed with a horny Elite named “Lady ‘Kalmon”, who apparently lives next the base they are apparently on, and had apparently completely trashed Nakastura’s room the night before. Not a lot actually happened after that other than Nakastura’s disturbingly-sexualized half sister (who is some kind of a captain) showing up in his room and cursing him out for the whole “slept with Lady Kalman Filter” thing, and apparently Daddy Kalman Filter is wandering around outside breaking stuff.

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2511: AU058 A Family Christmas – A FF7 Nothing Christmas Oneshot

Title: AU058 A Family Christmas
Author:  Ikuni Hattori
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Family/Christmas/Nothing
URL: AU058 A Family Christmas
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Happy Sithmas, everybody! Now, we’ll be getting back to the slow-motion train-wreck that is True Force next week, but today we have a tradition to uphold.  The tradition of the Final Fantasy Nothing Christmas Fic™!

“Why do we have this tradition again?”

It’s Sithmas, we gotta do something to embrace the hate, right?  How’s your Thanatos prospects looking this year.

“Sadly I have apparently not been up to snuff this year.  Another will have the good fortune in battling the god of death with hopes of wresting one night of ultimate power over mortality from him.”

Bummer.  It’s probably all the babysitting you were roped into.

Evil babysitting.”

Uh-huh.  I’m sure that made front-page news.  Anyway, we’ve got a lot of nothing to get through this year, so let’s get poppin’!

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