Title: Bid My Blood To Run
Author: Jaeger Gypsy Danger, who somewhat oddly has written no Pacific Rim ‘fics
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued By: AdmiralSakai and Senior Cabalist-Lieutenant Rijus Ta’nin
The ‘fic being riffed today contains potential flamebait in the form of yet another borderline-abusive relationship. And also more pseudo-MRA bullshit.
And porn. Lots and lots of porn.
Hello hello all you patrons. Rijus and I are back once more-
“Please let me go, or at least let me die with some modicum of honor.”
-with another Mass Effect ‘fic, and while the last one basically forgot that turians existed, this one loves them a little too much.
Summary: A different approach to the FemShep/Garrus relationship. He’s a turian and perhaps not always the kind-hearted and gentle teddy bear we’ve come to expect. Adult situations about adult relationships. Rated M for a good reason.
TITLE: Bid My Blood To Run
AN: Three Evanescence songs “Bring Me to Life,” “Haunted,” and “My Immortal” served as my inspiration. Adult stuff in here.
So, Rijus, are you sure we didn’t somehow end up in an alternate timeline where the Soviet Union took over the entire galaxy, right?
“Ummm… fairly, yes. Why?”
Because I’m seeing nothin’ but red flags.
Hello hello all you patrons! We haven’t had a special or feature around here in ages, and with the lingering aroma of Special Task and my being on kind of a Mass Effect kick in general over the next several riffs I figured I’d give a shout-out to a project I’ve been following pretty closely for the last few months.
Semper Vigilo bills itself as an alternate first-contact ‘fic:
What happens when humanity enters the galactic stage not as the race that got attacked by the turians for breaking a law they weren’t aware of, but as the race that saved a turian platoon from certain death?
That does indeed occur, and the strong alliance that develops between the humans and the Turian Hierarchy is a central element of later events. But I think a better way to describe the story would just be “What if the Alliance weren’t expansionist dicks to everybody for no reason, and were instead actually smart?”
Most of the ‘fic as it currently stands is dedicated to political maneuvering within the Alliance and with the other Citadel powers, with a hefty dose of black-ops shenanigans assisting the process. However, as things progress we get to see more and more of the Reapers, and that’s where the story really shines- imagine the cosmic immensity H. P. Lovecraft always tried to shoot for but slightly missed, threaded through with Andrew Hussie’s multi-limbed conspiracy theories, all told through a very clear, immediate, militarily and scientifically professional lens. It’s not clear how much of the previous politicking was the Reapers’ doing, directly or indirectly, but even before ME1 there’s this wonderful sense of the entire galaxy pitching forward to something big.
We also have Liara doing actual science, batarians who actually have a reason for doing what they do, Saren Arterius not being a dick, and the various Citadel races actually having complex politics and policies beyond just “WE HATE ALL THE HUMENS”.
As of this posting, Semper Vigilo has just completed the Eden Prime mission at the start of Mass Effect 1.
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to the blessedly final chunk of A Special Task.
“Previously we were introduced to the illustrious Commander Shepard, who in this reality is male and grown in a tank and lacks essentially any other defining qualities. He went on to participate in something vaguely resembling a ground engagement to secure Reaper-infested Sur’kesh, which involved a great deal of melodrama and self-doubt as well as well as heavy casualties and an apparently real Blasto-The-First-Hanar-Spectre. Dalatrass Linron (Or was it Verlin? Or Leroen? I don’t suppose it matters; they’re all essentially the same person anyway) subsequently escaped on a spaceflight-capable mech that may or may not have been a Reaper as the human forces closed in on the capitol, and various forces conjectured that she was heading for Tuchanka in order to convert the krogan population there into husks.”
Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: Still 6. Why exactly did we do this again?
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome to yet another ‘special’ three-chapter arc of A Special Task.
Last time… actually quite a lot happened, but not very much of it made sense. We got a massive, stupid infodump on a series of stupid research projects meant to fight the Reapers stupidly, including even-more-indestructible armor (sorry, amour) and shields for human ships, even-more-powerful antimatter cannons, supersoldier programs, and some sort of star-exploding thing. Then they made contact with the quarians and immediately brokered a peace with the geth, returning the Migrant Fleet to the pristine surface of Rannoch in, like, three days and securing both the quarians and the geth for the humans’ anti-Council harem alliance. Then… somehow… that one former salarian Councilor (they go through them at a pretty good clip and I cannot honestly keep track) managed to use a Reaper artifact and ‘nanites’ to indoctrinate the entire population of Sur’kesh and most of the salarian colonies! As far as we know, the only people to get out alive and fully functional were Mordin Solus and Captain Kirrahe, probably because they have memes in store and the author cannot let them leave the story until every one has been recited.
Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: Still 6
Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to another ‘special’ chapter of A Special Task.
Previously, we had our hopes that this ‘fic might actually go in a direction that wasn’t good but was at least different when the whole Bataliban Revolution arc was unceremoniously dropped in favor of the defrosting of Javik on Eden Prime and his subsequent regurgitation of stale memes and rich, chunky Reaper exposition.
“Long story short, both the turians and the asari began making military preparations for the Reapers’ arrival (for all the good it will do us), while the salarians and hanar both seceded from the Council– the hanar to join the humans, and the salarians to… actually, I’m not really sure what the salarians’ plan was other than to hurt themselves economically and politically.”
Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: 6
The next chapter promises quarians, which are always a good thing to include in an HFY fic, but before that we’re going to have to put up with another visit from our old, dear friend MISTER POINTLESS CODEX ENTRY:
Project Manifest: Vesta Laboratories, Cerberus Division
Or… I guess Mister Pointless Manifest Entry, that works too.
Hello hello all you patrons! Last time on A Special Task we were treated to the beginning, middle, and end of the
Bataliban Batarian Rebellion all tied up in a nice Gary Stumanity bow. First, the humans encountered a Bataliban ‘separatist’ frigate- how did ‘separatists’ get a frigate to begin with??- and granted it asylum without bothering to figure out what it wanted or what was even going on (and also blew the everloving tar out of the massive Hegemony pursuit fleet that had somehow managed to not destroy it for an unspecified amount of combat beforehand. After that the humans immediately started smuggling (drastically underpowered compared to their own shit) weaponry to Kar’shan, which struck me as a bit weird given that the ‘separatists’ were revealed to possess entire space stations completely under their control.
Despite apparently having an enormous manpower and materiel advantage over the Hegemony their coordinated assault was well on its way to failing due to their troops inability to do anything other than charge directly into danger and get themselves shot, but fortunately the humans then showed up to bail them out. This process was repeated to ‘pacify’ all of the batarian colonies, out to the last Hegemony holdouts on Arathot (where two thirds of the population was killed!) at which point the humans found Object Rho and the Batarian Republic (whose actual policies are still uncertain but who was apparently thinking of continuing to hold all of the Council citizens the Hegemony had abducted as slaves until Tevos talked them out of it) decided to join the Grand Interstellar Alliance Of Fuck-The-Salarians-And-Their-Little-Dog-Too.
Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: 6
Title: A Special Task
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
URL: Chapter 12, Chapter 13, and Chapter 14
Critiqued by: AdmiralSakai and Senior Cabalist-Lieutenant Rijus Ta’nin
Hello hello all you patrons! Welcome back to the dense, flabby interior of A Special Task, the ‘fic that goes nowhere and does nothing, and does it extremely slowly.
“Previously, the human-Council negotiations ended with not a great deal actually being accomplished other than communications between the two powers being normalized and the salarian Councilor being upbraided over the Uplift fiasco. Then the humans built an absurdly large space station at Relay 314 to manage trade with the Council species, and then they and the turian forces assigned to guard the site- which included such revered figures as Septimus Oraka, Adrian Victus, Garrus Vakarian, and Nyreen Kandros all jumbled up together with no sense of why they would all be in the same time and same place- wandered around the station on leave, lost at some boring human video games, and… well, that was it.”
Just Write A Star Trek Crossover Already Counter: 5
Chapter 7- Civil Strife
March 21st, 2159, Unknown System
The Batarian frigate jumped out of FTL, engines already going at full tilt as soon as it decelerated. The crew inside tense and afraid.
“Kranak, please tell me we lost them.” The captain said to his pilot.
“I think so, but we can never be sure until its too late. There were several hegemony ships after us when we jumped, and one of them may have gotten a lock.” The pilot, Kranak, replied.
Oh, hey! Looks like we’re going to do that ‘batarian separatists’ thing he talked about in the author’s notes. It was the only storyline mentioned that actually sounded vaguely interesting… which, considering how much nothing has been crammed into the last few installments, is alarmingly encouraging.