2824: The New Thunderbolts

Title: New Thunderbolts
Author: Impurest Cheese
Media: Comic Book
Topic: Marvel (Per fanfiction.net’s inadequate categorization), Thunderbolts (More specifically)
Genre: Adventure/Mystery
URL: Chapter 10
Critiqued by BatSakai and Guard-Warlock-Novitiate Psk’Nyor “Nina” C’Kane

*Deep in the flatlands of central Ohio, the renovated subterranean missile complex of RIFFCON has undergone some changes. The usual fluorescent lighting has been dimmed to a gritty dark blue, all of the doors are double-reinforced, and aboveground sits a plywood cut-out of a stately manor. Various random bits of signage have had labelmaker labels with the phrase “Bat-” affixed to them, producing such awesome constructions as the “Bat-Administration Center”, “Bat-Ventilation”, “Keep Off: Not A Bat-Step”, and “Bat-Serketry’s Emergency Bat-Printer Bat-Paper Reserve”. All of these are correct, as several hundred live bats have been released throughout the complex for “ambiance” (“ambiance”, in this case, mostly meaning “guano”, because only after putting in the order did Sakai realize that bats are not easy to house-train). Sakai himself sits in an unfinished natural cave surrounded by high-performance computers, which are constantly malfunctioning due to the damp conditions and lack of proper cooling. A photograph of a penny, blown up to enormous size, has been printed out and stuck on one wall. He has spray-painted his labcoat matte black, and is wearing it tied around his neck like a cape.*

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatSakai, and I’m back with more of New Thunderbolts.

The… umm… other guy was willing to give up on this ‘fic because it is, quite frankly, slow, and go off to impersonate some dumbass roboticist who riffs HFY military science fiction or whatever. But I’ve survived Mass Effect: The First War and over half of the original Love of a Spartan, and I think this ‘fic is worth seeing through to the end, or at least further into it.

Shall we proceed with the recap, O warlock?

*Nina sits in the other bat-rollie-chair, Kane’s trademark eyehole-less white mask stuck to her snout with Scotch bat-tape from the bat-stationery-drawer. The effect is somewhat limited by the fact that her skull is slightly larger and much more pointy than a human’s, with her eyes on the sides past the edges of the mask.*

“No, this is dumb. Why am I even here, anyway? My job is creepypasta and the 1970s, not… whatever this glubbin’ shit is. Can I at least be GlubJamags? I liked GoodJamags.”

Well, you have the most eldritch experience of anyone on the team, and Troy claimed GoodJamags because he showed up on time to the orientation and wasn’t hung-over. And this “glubbin’ shit” is actually getting pretty creepypasta-adjacent, so here you stay.

“Fine. But can I at least take this stupid thing off my face? It feels like I’m walking around with a target labeled ‘snipe here’.”

Sure. Recap?

“Recap.”

Last time, the Thunderdolts continued wandering around the western United States, still wanted due to a Skrull(?) frame-up that they could easily dispense with if they just sat down and talked to the Avengers. Or anybody, really. And also stopped deliberately committing crimes with extremely flimsy justification.

…

Actually, given how destructive they are of their own accord, I’m a little surprised the Skrulls(?) even needed to frame them for anything.

Anyway, they got to Washington State and discovered that a town infected by some kind of airborne poison that makes everyone hallucinate their deepest fear. Like that‘s never been done before. The government figured this all out, and made a half-hearted attempt to evacuate the area, but just sort of gave up and left a bunch of National Guard equipment lying around in the open. Then the Thunderdolts showed up, also figured out that an airborne agent was responsible, remembered to pack breathing equipment… and then failed to wear it and started hallucinating anyway. They found some panicky civilian reporter who I give about 50% odds of getting killed off to make a point in true survival horror fashion. They just had a brief, ineffective fight with a (hallucinatory?) Spring-heeled Jack, who they seemed to recognize despite his being a relatively obscure Victorian urban legend and not having any particular Marvel Comics incarnation they could reasonably have encountered apparently there is one in Ghost Rider but he is combined with the legend of Jack the Ripper for some reason.

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