2617: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed by the Protagonists) — Chapter 12 Part 2

-WARNING-
This chapter contains some potential flamebait in the form of the author perhaps unintentionally outing himself as a “hard currency” advocate, and also making the quarians dyed-in-the-wool sexists for some reason.

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, the Stumans sent a very purply-named warship to the Citadel to begin peace talks with the Council, with one of the Forgettable Admiralty Blob representing them in the preliminary exchanges. They agreed to send him onto the Citadel with a bunch of human troops disguised as quarians using Bullshit Holography™ for no real reason, and also made plans to detonate a nuke over the Citadel. Meanwhile, on the Council side, salarian respresentative Eistan continued to distort important intelligence and generally make an ass of himself by rambling about the physiology of the opposing delegation, and both he and Tevos T’sael freaked out about Councilor Sparatus wanting to actually have, you know, a negotiating strategy.

Also, Chris McGraw is an unstable, childish creep who doesn’t know the difference between affection and attraction. But we already knew that anyway.

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Let’s see how these peace negotiations inevitably disintegrate.

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2612: Mass Murder Effect: The First War Crime (Was Committed By The Protagonists) — Chapter 12 Part 1

Title: Mass Effect: The First War
Author: ProfFartBurger
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Adventure/Sci-Fi
URL: Chapter 12
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back after a good long absence to Mass Effect: The First War.

Last time, everyone’s favorite Geniu’Stu Chris McGraw got into an argument with his father that managed to accomplish absolutely nothing, and Grand Moff Whyte decided to send the quarians to negotiate a peace treaty with the Citadel (since they did so well the last time they were in a position to interact with the Citadel powers). Also, there was a lot of exposition about the turians having a prothean spacecraft that is totally not the Forerunner Dreadnought and a cadre of elite supersoldiers who fight each other in virtual reality all the time and totally aren’t either the SPARTAN-IIs or the canonical Turian Blackwatch.

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2604: To Waste A Thousand Words — Chapter 4 and 5

-WARNING-
Nazis?
Nazis.
Also some sort of weird rapist cult thing.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Gone.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Words.

A lot has happened since the previous riff, with CrazyMinh’s review of Chapter 3 bringing the author to our comments section and starting a surprisingly civil conversation that cleared up a lot of ambiguity about the neo-Nazi talking points that appeared in previous chapters. Since the actual content of the story (as opposed to the author’s notes) has been getting less and less offensive as it goes on, I don’t foresee much problem continuing.

[MESSAGE FROM THE FUUUUTURE: Famous last words.]

In fact, the actual content of the story is getting less and less storyish as it goes on, thanks to our good friend Mr. Plot Regurgitation. Last chapter, for instance, Shepard talked with Miranda Lawson and Garrus and then got orders to go to Ilium, and the Council went to Earth to watch a Nazi Posturing Parade, and that was… basically it.

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Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 9

Porsche Counter: 5

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2598: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 3

-WARNING-
After several thousand words of nothing much, the author finally begins to slip out of pure Wehraboo territory and into actual neo-Naziism with a big long rant containing Holocaust-denialist talking points.

Also, he gets creepy.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Gone.
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years. Last time, some Chancellor von Jerkoffen guy complained that the Council was taking too much time setting up a reasonable response to the Reapers instead of… setting up a reasonable response to the Reapers. Except maybe the Reapers aren’t coming and he wants them to talk about some other unknown issue that’s bothering him? It’s all very unclear.

And then the first part of the Noveria mission happened, with automated defenses at Peak 15 in place of any geth.

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Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 9

Porsche Counter: 5

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2594: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 2

-WARNING-
Still Nazis, I guess.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 2
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years!

Last time… the events leading up to Mass Effect 1 happened. I don’t know why we needed to be told this since the ‘fic ostensibly is about Mass Effect and thus its readership would already know this, and the Systems Alliance being ‘Murca-Nazis had absolutely no effect on any of it, but told this we were anyway!

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Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 7

Porsche Counter: 5

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2589: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 3

-WARNING-
This chapter contains more potential flamebait in the form of the author continuing to ramble about the Middle East, zionism, communism, and a bunch of other random hot-button crap.

Also, there are still Nazis.
Theoretically.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years. It’s been a while, actually, due to my own writing kind of taking over for a little bit, but now I’m back in this for as long as it takes to finish this stupid Wehraboo ‘Muchafic that I riffed as a break from The First War but is turning out to be basically exactly like The First War.

Last time we got… a timeline. A timeline in which, after very rapidly exterminating all of the Communist powers (and also the Japanese Empire) from the world, the Third Reich pretty much took a back seat to our old pal ‘Murca, which along with Great Britain had been given a paper-thin fascist makeover. Britain and Russia somehow got absorbed into the Reich and France never stopped being under the Vichy government, but other than that the Nazis really did not do much other than murderize the Communists (who I thought they had already messily exterminated) in Vietnam. A sort of Space Race happened (more of a space run, really, or possibly a space wank, since the might of the Wehrmacht the author had already eliminated every possible competitor) where the Third Reich was more of a Third Wheel to the Axis-aligned United States, complete with side-by-side flags on the Moon. Although they did manage to allow everyone on Earth with a telescope to get a look at their enormous Axis Space Station which could hold twelve men inside of it at once.

If you are wondering what any of this has to do with Mass Effect, yeah, the answer is ‘not very much at all’. Presumably the slight chronological acceleration of the milestones of the space program had something to do with the crashed Council ship they’d encountered in Antarctica, but it never really says. Somewhat more sophisticated but not particularly Council-like technology just kind of pomfs into being for no reason.

We’ve just gotten up to about 1981 in the timeline and it is still going.

Friendly Neighborhood Nazis Counter: 7

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2570: To Last A Thousand Years — Chapter 1 Part 2

-WARNING-
The author begins to put his political views on fairly public display in this chapter, and they are… pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a guy who writes alternate-history HFY fanfiction featuring weirdly defanged Nazis.

Also, weirdly defanged Nazis are still Nazis, and are still in this ‘fic.

Title: To Last A Thousand Years
Author: TallYapflip
Media: Video Game
Topic: Mass Effect
Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by AdmiralSakai

Hello hello all you patrons, and welcome back to To Last A Thousand Years.

Last time, we had a boringly mostly adequate section where some U-Boat captain found a wrecked Council ship in Antarctica, then for some reason this influx of new technology and weapons made Hitler want to reopen peace talks with the British because that‘s totally how Nazis would think.

Actually, “because that’s totally how Nazis would think” is shaping up to be a countable offense in this ‘fic, because these seem to be Nazis with every hint of racism or other undesirable qualities neatly and authorially excised.

This all brings us to the second half of Chapter 1, where the ‘fic becomes less of an implausible alternate-historical ‘fic and more of a regular old HFY ‘fic with, what else, a massive timeline featuring implausible events we mostly couldn’t care less about!

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