2511: AU058 A Family Christmas – A FF7 Nothing Christmas Oneshot

Title: AU058 A Family Christmas
Author:  Ikuni Hattori
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Family/Christmas/Nothing
URL: AU058 A Family Christmas
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Happy Sithmas, everybody! Now, we’ll be getting back to the slow-motion train-wreck that is True Force next week, but today we have a tradition to uphold.  The tradition of the Final Fantasy Nothing Christmas Fic™!

“Why do we have this tradition again?”

It’s Sithmas, we gotta do something to embrace the hate, right?  How’s your Thanatos prospects looking this year.

“Sadly I have apparently not been up to snuff this year.  Another will have the good fortune in battling the god of death with hopes of wresting one night of ultimate power over mortality from him.”

Bummer.  It’s probably all the babysitting you were roped into.

Evil babysitting.”

Uh-huh.  I’m sure that made front-page news.  Anyway, we’ve got a lot of nothing to get through this year, so let’s get poppin’!

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2418: Bizarre Billion Beans Blizzard – Oneshot

Title: Bizarre Billion Beans Blizzard
Author: SharanMcQuack
Media: Cartoon / Comic Book
Topic: Duck Tales
Genre: Adventure / Family
URL: Bizarre Billion Beans Blizzard
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Jiwe

*Taco walks into the riffing chamber with Jiwe in tow*

Well, patrons, it’s that time of year again.  Somebody’s five today-

“It’s me!”

-which means I’m on babysitting duty while the crew prepares a party that will hopefully not end in a full-Library respawn event.  Again.

Anyway, since I’ve got Shrimpy with me this week, you should all brace yourselves for my annual family-friendly riff!  This time we’re heading back into the land of Duck Tales fanficion and revisiting an old friend of ours, SharanMcQuack, who’s work I riffed way back in the Library’s second year.  Sharan has been pretty prolific in her writing since her first feature in 2013, but, sadly, I cannot say her writing has improved much.  As you’re about to see, it might actually have gotten worse.

Fortunately for us all, in searching through Sharan’s more recent fics, I was able to find one that doesn’t involve her OC having any dialogue, so we won’t have to suffer through her sitting on the sidelines and making snide remarks at the cast like in the last one.  You’ll still have to suffer through me doing it, but at least it’s only the one of us.

“What about me?”

You’re too young to be snide.


Anyway, let’s start with the relatively non-alarming summary:

Magica siccs a billions beans vs the Bin in an attempt to get the Dime.

While I’m not sure what “siccs” means, at least this is a summary.

“I know!  Sicks is throwing up!”

So far as plans go, throwing up billions of beans at somebody is not the worst one.  Still, gotta be better ways to get ten cents.

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Thursday Special – Reconciliation: Grief’s Reunion

Title: Reconciliation: Grief’s Reunion
Author: giftheck
Media: Film
Topic: Zootopia/Zootropolis
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Family
URL: Reconciliation: Grief’s Reunion
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello all, and welcome to something decidedly different: a spotlight of a good fanfic that isn’t happening on a Sunday.

Now, those of you that have jumped on for me reading Borba to filth over IWS and BTBA have probably come up with one singular question: “Herr, what does the good version of this fic look like?” Glad you asked, patrons, because I have just the fic for you!

So sit back, relax, and let me talk about a little thing called Grief’s Reunion

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2219: Christmas Eve No pun intended xD – Oneshot

Title: Christmas Eve No pun intended xD
Author: freamy fream
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Black Cat
Genre: Romance/Family
URL: Fic
Critiqued by SC and Shades


*Shades sits in the riffing chamber in utter silence; the lights are on, the computer hums softly, but in an unusual twist for the Library, nothing of importance, or even silliness, appears to be happening*

Shades: …Hm? Oh, I’m just waiting. I was told that I had a surprise coming. It’s been… about six hours now, so I’m a little bit worried that I’ve been led on. That, or bloody Bifocals is busy making some horrible new device to kill me with under the pretense of it being a gift. But, fuck it, it’s Christmas, or it will be in three days, so-

*SC, dressed in an ill-fitting Santa costume, bursts through the door and hurls an overly large, bulging red velvet bag at Shades, before quickly slamming the door and locking several hundred varieties of lock, including a solid steel bar through the handles*

Shades: Bloody hell!

Open the bag, you’re welcome for the present, this was all Contacts’ fault.

Shades: I don’t want to open the fucking bag! You said Contacts! And you’re barring the door! That always means bad things!

Look, you little shit, I may or may not be accessory to one of the worst-planned heists in the history of mankind, and for all I know, a platoon of Asari soldiers could be on their way in force as we speak. Apparently, this is Contacts’ Christmas gift to you, so open the fucking bag so that I can dispose of the evidence, tell Contacts you got your present, get General Skullfucker and her Merry Band of Commandos off my ass, and never speak of this day again!

Shades: How did you get wrapped up in a heist?!


*Shades undoes the knot in the rope tied around the bag and dumps out dozens upon dozens of military-grade firearms – notably, these firearms appear to be of sleek, though alien, design*

Shades: …What was the heist?

Contacts broke into a major weapons distributor on Thessia.

Shades: Why?

He heard you say that you thought Asari firearms looked neat.

Shades: How did you get involved?

He threw the bag at me while looking for a hiding spot.

Shades: I mean, I’m flattered, but we’re going to have to fake our deaths and change our names.

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2197: Akechi’s Rebirth – Chapter 3

Title: Akechi’s Rebirth
Author: An Angel Flying with broken wings
Media: Video Game
Topic: Persona 5
Genre: Family/Humor
URL:  Akechi’s Rebirth: Chapter 3
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Well, we’re back with this pile of crap, are we?


Fuck’s sake. I guess we can look forward to more of the bashing train, can’t we? I mean, I dunno about you, but I am not looking forward to this.

Well, let’s get to it. I dunno about you, but I just can’t wait to do this stuff!

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2192: Akechi’s Rebirth – Chapter 2

Title: Akechi’s Rebirth
Author: An Angel Flying with broken wings
Media: Video Game
Topic: Persona 5
Genre: Family/Humor
URL:  Akechi’s Rebirth: Chapter 2
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gents, and welcome back!

Well, we’ve got all sorts of bullshit from last week, with the premise just falling flat on its face. So, uh, how much worse can we get?

Do I want an answer to that question?

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2185: Akechi’s Rebirth – Chapter 1

Title: Akechi’s Rebirth
Author: An Angel Flying with broken wings
Media: Video Game
Topic: Persona 5
Genre: Family/Humor
URL:  Akechi’s Rebirth: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to the Library. Ladies and gentlemen, let me start by saying that it is an old professor’s firm belief that there is no such thing as a bad premise. He thinks it’s all in execution, and that there is no such thing as an inherently bad idea.

And then you run into fics with this premise:

After agreeing to help Akechi have a better life in the Velvet Room, Akira finds himself not only a GIRL but PREGNANT! How will he deal with pregnancy and parenthood? Read to find out.


So, patrons, how much do you want to bet that this will be exactly as stupid as it sounds? ‘Cause either way, we’re about to find out! Read the rest of this entry »