Hello, patrons! Welcome to our annual Sithmas special! With me, as tradition dictates, is Crunchy. And apparently a small package of trouble.
What is he doing here, again?
“The girls are proverbially ‘decking the halls’ so it once again falls to me to temporarily guide the larva’s development. ”
“Crunsy gave me cookie! An we made odaments!”
“Um, yes, hush now, no need to retell all of our acts of disreputable villainy. Now, how about you go play in that PCC toy box in the corner while we handle some business?”
“Okay!” *Jiwe runs over to the Suddenly There™ toy box and starts rummaging through it*
So the Sithmas celebrations are starting to go full swing are they?
“Very nearly. Gumdrop has sequestered himself in the kitchen since last Friday to get the pie buffet up and running, the girls are bedecking everything that cannot move fast enough to escape their decorative fury, Specs and Co. are organizing some kind of entertainment, likely involving throwing festive lightsabers at Monocle or some such whimsical nonsense, and the ninja are preparing the defenses for Thanos’ possible arrival. Meanwhile you and I have our own tradition to uphold, do we not?”
Indeed we do! In our rich history of however long we’ve been doing this, it’s time to tackle a horrible Christmas fic! This year I have a small Resident Evil Christmas fic to delight the senses and unsettle the stomach. It’s called “Santa’s Nice List” and I honestly have no idea what the author thought she was writing about. Maybe the summary will give us some clue.
The holiday goodness of family, brother-in-law drama and Christmas stories.
“That is actually rather vague and unhelpful.”
Hey, patrons! Let’s keep this oneshot train rolling by digging up another canon I haven’t touched in a while: DuckTales! This time, we’re going to cross it with Doctor Who, because why the hell not!?
For those wondering, this will be the 10th Doctor (The popular David Tennat version). The Doctor is never explicitly described in the fic, so I had to look at the character list to find out which it was.
Anyway, let’s start where we always do, with the summary!
When The Doctor gets sucked into a dimension,and Gyro Gearloose’s invention is to blame. But also the solution…
Well, we’re certainly off to a great start! Onwards and into the fic!
Title: “Three Generations”
Fandom: Enchanted Forest Chronicles
Genre: Family and hurt/comfort
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by eatpraylove
I briefly considered doing this as a PPC mission, but didn’t for three reasons: The chapters don’t have much meat on them, I have enough fics lined up already, and I couldn’t think of a reason for my agents to feel the same protective attachment to the Enchanted Forest series that I do. Also, hi, I’m eatpraylove on the PPC Board. I’ve poked around the halls of the Library plenty of times but never thought to get a WordPress account.
Moving on, let’s start with the canon basics. The Enchanted Forest Chronicles is a fantasy kid’s book series by Patricia Wrede, focusing on Princess Cimorene of Linderwall. Linderwall is your standard Disney-style safe, prosperous fairy-tale kingdom, and the rest of Cimorene’s family—mom, dad, and six older sisters—are your standard Disney royalty, the sisters in particular.
Cimorene wants none of it, and runs away from home to avoid an arranged marriage with the equally generic Prince Therandil in the first book. Thanks to her lack of a plan and a sarcasm-blind talking frog (I swear this makes sense in context), she ends up living and working with Kazul, a dragon who’s been looking for a new princess. Kazul doesn’t mind that Cimorene isn’t a typical princess (Cimorene can cook Kazul’s favorite desserts, for example), and both of them eventually gets roped into a big mystery involving the King of the Dragons, a stone prince, Morwen the witch, and several wizards.
The whole series turns fairy tales and fairy-tale tropes on their heads—the wizards melt when you throw buckets of water (specifically soapy water and lemon juice) at them, for example, not Morwen. It’s great fun to read and deserves all the love it gets and then some.
So naturally, bunches and bunches of folks on the Internet have written their own stories about it with predictably mixed results. Thanks to Sehkmet over on the PPC Board for bringing this to my attention. The first chapter is literally a “don’t like, don’t read, please review” author’s note, so I’m going to the first one with actual substance to it.
Also, this riff will contain spoilers for the entire series, so if you’re sensitive about that sort of thing, go get the books and read them. If you’re not, or you’ve already read all of them, strap in, ready your weapon of choice, and put on your coolest sunglasses.
*sits in comfy riffing chair*
*sips hot cocoa* Ahhh, perfect.
~WARNING: THE INFODUMP IS REAL. BE PREPARED.~
Specs: You know, the last time I helped you riff a Fire Emblem fic, I remember getting really, really mad. This one had better not suck this time.
Pfft, or what? You’ll cut my head off like you did to Contacts?
*Specs stands SC up, then enters a boxing stance; Specs then punches him in the face, follows up with a sharp kick to the liver, and finishes by driving an uppercut into SC’s face while he’s doubled over*
Contacts: Wow. What martial arts style was that?
Specs: I dunno. I just did that to Sportsy once in a melee-only sparring match.
[I still can’t bend at the waist without it hurting, fucker. -Sports Shades]
TRIGGER WARNING: This fic contains instances of abuse and mutilation, both child and spousal. Please skip today if you are sensitive to these things. Thank you.
Hello dear readers of the library! My name is squarecircles, and today I’ll be your guest snarker. I’m relatively new to the fanfiction scene, but I’ve been reading it for years. Mostly, I would just read Pokemon fics, but rarely there are others that catch my eye (the library’s own Erttheking, and Herr Wozzek being two such writers). However, seeing as I read primarily Pokemon fics, I’m very aware of how bad some of them can be. What I’ve found for you today is easily one of the more fucked up fics I’ve ever come across. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
Hello, dear Patrons! Ready for something a little on the odd side?
What am I saying, of course you are – otherwise you wouldn’t be in the Library.
This little gem comes from an author who has penned over a thousand different fics in numerous canons, making them one of the most prolific authors I’ve seen. They have posted regularly since 2006, yet despite this massive volume of work there hasn’t been an appreciable improvement in the quality of their writing. I actually went through their catalog of fics and randomly skimmed through several, but couldn’t tell that there had been any change at all. This baffles me to no end.
This is typically the point where I’d do an SC-style info-dump regarding the source materials, but I don’t think that’s going to be necessary; Frozen is featured far more heavily than Wreck-It Ralph, but there’s no attempt made to adhere to any canon at all.
Oh, did I mention this is a crossover fic between Wreck-It Ralph and Frozen? And that Elsa and Ralph have kids? Must have slipped my mind.
To the fic!
agig: I’m back with everyone!
Cain: Just one more chapter! We can do this!
Goddess: The end is in crosshairs!
Dakota: …Did you really just say that?
Cain: *sigh* Someone needs to explain the concept of humour to you.
Sem: *hissing* Then maybe send you to the brig for such a terrible joke.
agig: Roll the tape!