2224: Howl – Chapter 5

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 5
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 59

On the Eleventh Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Eleven dooters dooting,
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Dakwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Twelfth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Twelve ninjas buttering,
Eleven dooters dooting,
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with the final installment of Howl! Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Author’s Note: Finally back with another installment.

We noticed.

However, I am sorry it is so short!

We’re not.

School is pretty much just kicking my butt right now, along with some changes at work and stuff.

Don’t care.

I will keep working on it though.

Obviously not.

Thank you so much for all the support and I hope you enjoy this latest part!

We won’t.

GoodJamags: Line break!

Read the rest of this entry »


2223: The Ron-troversy – Oneshot

 

Author: gryffindorlovesslytherin
Media: Book/Movie
Topic:  Harry Potter series
Genre: Romance/Mystery
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

—WARNING—

—CONTAINS ADULT THEMES —

—NSFW—

 

Good now, dear Patrons!

As a nice change of pace from all the Christmas-themed fics I’ve been dumping down the shoot, this one is New Year’s Eve themed, and it happens to come from the Harry Potter section. Now, there is usually quite a lot of Christmas themed fics – many featuring the series’ Yule Ball – for this source material but there weren’t all that many that were New Year’s themed. I’m not really sure why that would be.

Let’s take a look at the summary, shall we?

its new years eve and who knows what will kick off the new year…

Presumably it will be the forward progression of time, but I have a feeling that isn’t what the author meant.

The last Harry Potter book never tells us, the readers, what the fate of the characters are.

No, it kind of does. It doesn’t really go into a lot of detail, but you get some hints.

I guess everyone believes that Harry and Ginny get married,

Because they do.

and Ron and Hermione get married,

Also because they do. I mean, I assume so. Each couple shows up at the train station with their children so presumably they got married at some point before then. I guess it is possible that they are all living in sin, though.

but you would be wrong.

Living in sin it is, then. Maybe I should add a disclaimer to the riff; wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

Hermione left Ron’s sorry ass and I am here to tell the story.

I seriously doubt that, but go ahead; amuse me.

My name is Luna Lovegood.

Bwa? The narrator counted themselves as part of the audience – they specifically say “us, the readers” – in the same paragraph, which means they couldn’t be Luna. The books aren’t written as journals or personal narratives, but from a third-person perspective. They don’t exist in the in-book universe. I had actually assumed this was an unlabeled Author’s Note until Luna gave her name. Read the rest of this entry »


2222: Harry Potter Becomes A Communist Chapters 1-5

Title: Harry Potter Becomes A Communist
Author: HardcoreCommie
Media: Book/Film
Topic: Harry Potter
Genre: Fantasy/Parody
URL: Chapters One, Two, Three, Four, and Five
Critiqued by Herr Wozzeck

*puts on the hard hat*

Well, welcome to the ultimate “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” snark, ladies and gentlemen. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that no matter what I say here, someone’s getting angry.

*deep breath*

Well, this is Harry Potter Becomes A Communist. Pray for my soul, guys! Read the rest of this entry »


2221: When Christmas Goes Haywire – Oneshot

Title: When Christmas Goes Haywire
Author:  WyldChyld
Media: Video Game
Topic: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Humor/Holiday
URL: When Christmas Goes Haywire
Critiqued by TacoMagic and Retired Darth Lord Crunchy

Heyo, patrons!  I know it’s the day after Christmas, but I’m writing this Christmas day, so it counts, right?  We’ll just say it does and go with that.

This week we end our Sithmas tradition of Final Fantasy Christmas fics with a pungent foray into Final Fantasy VIII (With more characters sucked in from FFVII, because of course)!  But this week isn’t just any FFVIII holiday fanfic!  Oh no, it’s a FFVII Holiday fanfic based on another fanfic!

“Why must you subject me to this?”

It gets better.  The fic this is based off of is called ‘Fantasy Love,’ which is a terrible author-insert fanfic done by the same author under a completely different alias, Sawa LeonHeart.  I presume this fic wasn’t up to the same quality as ‘Fantasy Love’ so was shoved off onto a different account in order to separate it.  Because simply deleting the fic just wasn’t acceptable or something.

‘Fantasy Love’ is also on my to-do pile because it’s a hot, hot mess, but trust me when I say that reading it before this fic won’t really help you know what’s going on, since this is a fluffy and incomprehensible Christmas Fic.

“You are doing quite a good job of making me question my life decisions.”

If you think you’re questioning them now, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

Read the rest of this entry »


2220: Howl – Chapter 4

Title: Howl
Author: naturally morbid
Media: Film
Topic: Die Hard
Genre: Supernatural / Romance / Holiday Cheer
URL: Chapter 4
Critiqued by BatJamags (BadJamags and GoodJamags)

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN! count: 44

On the Ninth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarnating idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

On the Tenth Day of Sithmas, the Library gave to me…
Ten sharks a-jumping,
Nine edgelords edging,
Eight reincarniting idiots,
Seven Darkwraiths brewing,
Six tranquilizings,
FIVE! IGUANODON! COOKIES!
Four key lime pies,
The third moon of Jupiter,
Two talking raptors,
And porno music on the intercom!

Hello once again, patrons! I’m your host, BatJamags…

GoodJamags: … And I’m your guest host, GoodJamags…

… And we’re back with more of this festive Christmas romp! Last time, Hans called his brother and busted the hacker guy out of jail. This took far more wordcount than necessary.

GoodJamags: Let’s dive on in!

Read the rest of this entry »


2219: Christmas Eve No pun intended xD – Oneshot

Title: Christmas Eve No pun intended xD
Author: freamy fream
Media: Anime/Manga
Topic: Black Cat
Genre: Romance/Family
URL: Fic
Critiqued by SC and Shades

~TRIGGER WARNING: BORDERLINE PEDOPHILIA IN NARRATION~

*Shades sits in the riffing chamber in utter silence; the lights are on, the computer hums softly, but in an unusual twist for the Library, nothing of importance, or even silliness, appears to be happening*

Shades: …Hm? Oh, I’m just waiting. I was told that I had a surprise coming. It’s been… about six hours now, so I’m a little bit worried that I’ve been led on. That, or bloody Bifocals is busy making some horrible new device to kill me with under the pretense of it being a gift. But, fuck it, it’s Christmas, or it will be in three days, so-

*SC, dressed in an ill-fitting Santa costume, bursts through the door and hurls an overly large, bulging red velvet bag at Shades, before quickly slamming the door and locking several hundred varieties of lock, including a solid steel bar through the handles*

Shades: Bloody hell!

Open the bag, you’re welcome for the present, this was all Contacts’ fault.

Shades: I don’t want to open the fucking bag! You said Contacts! And you’re barring the door! That always means bad things!

Look, you little shit, I may or may not be accessory to one of the worst-planned heists in the history of mankind, and for all I know, a platoon of Asari soldiers could be on their way in force as we speak. Apparently, this is Contacts’ Christmas gift to you, so open the fucking bag so that I can dispose of the evidence, tell Contacts you got your present, get General Skullfucker and her Merry Band of Commandos off my ass, and never speak of this day again!

Shades: How did you get wrapped up in a heist?!

OPEN THE GOD DAMNED BAG!

*Shades undoes the knot in the rope tied around the bag and dumps out dozens upon dozens of military-grade firearms – notably, these firearms appear to be of sleek, though alien, design*

Shades: …What was the heist?

Contacts broke into a major weapons distributor on Thessia.

Shades: Why?

He heard you say that you thought Asari firearms looked neat.

Shades: How did you get involved?

He threw the bag at me while looking for a hiding spot.

Shades: I mean, I’m flattered, but we’re going to have to fake our deaths and change our names.

Read the rest of this entry »


2218: A Zelda Christmas – Oneshot

Author: Rinnocent One
Media: Video Game
Topic: Legend of Zelda series
Genre:Humor/Friendship
URL: Chapter 1
Critiqued by Ghostcat

 

 

 

 

 

Happy [insert preferred festive nomenclature here], dear Patrons!

I have returned with another Christmas themed oneshot – and it’s not from Twilight! It is a Zelda fic, though; there seems to be quite a number of Zelda-themed Christmas fics, oddly enough they mostly seem to be retoolings of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas and one that was basically an abbreviated version of the first chapters of A Christmas Carol starring Ganon as Scrooge. Because that makes sense, I guess.

As is the custom during these festive times, let’s take a look at the fic summary.

Comepltely random. one shot. Slight Yaoinessjust for like two seconds.

…Is it too late to pick the Ebenezer Ganondorf fic instead?

Okay me and my friend were talking about contests we sould do for our Zelda guild during the holidays and i just came up with some funny ideas.

You were thinking about contests you could run and that made you have fanfic ideas? That doesn’t sound very promising. While there are many literary works that use competitions in their narrative framework, I don’t know if fandom contests would be the best source of inspiration.

So here they are, a Christmas Fanfic in September.

Which I’m reading in December, because things posted to ff.net aren’t frozen in time. The Internet is not Brigadoon.

I am sorry for the OOC-ness of this story but im bored, and really random. But You’ll laugh.

Sweet mercy, this is one of those “OMG Sooo random!” fics where the author shoves a bunch of offensive/gross/weird/etc stuff into a poorly written fic and then excuses it all because they are bored or tired or just so damn eccentric that the rules governing the creation of a functional narrative don’t apply to them.

Dammit. This is just going to be one long train wreck, isn’t it?

I DO NOT own the Legend of Zelda games nor will i ever but enjoy this fic.

Based upon what I’ve seen already, I find it doubtful that I will.

Read the rest of this entry »