1251: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Nine, Part Three

Title: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors
Author: Stone-Man85
Media: Movie
Topic: Princess Mononoke
Genre: Adventure/Romance
URL: Chapter 9
Critiqued at the expense of Alexander Killian by SC, Shades, and William

Alex: You let the evil bitch in?! Why would you do that?!

Shades: Keep mouthing off like that and this evil bitch might just stuff lead in your eye sockets.

*Alex whimpers fearfully*

Realistically, I could bring any member of the Specs and Co. in and have you cowering in terror like you are right now. But Shades has guns and a hair-trigger temper, and that makes it funnier to bring her in.

Alex: Why do you hate me?!

That’s a rhetorical question, right?

Oh look! The audience!

Hello, and welcome back to Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors, by Stone-Man85, also known as the Exorcism of Alexander Killian! Which is kind of like the Exorcism of Emily Rose, but a lot less split pea soup for demonic puke effects.

Last time, Alex underwent his first round of ass-kicking, and to his credit did try and fight back. But key word here is try, because he ultimately failed. In the fic, he somehow made an even bigger ass of himself than last time, because after deciding stupidly to take the short way because it would be faster, he still managed to slow everything down by being a weak little bag of dicks and stubbornly refusing to get going again until he felt like it. Then Shishigami showed up, and everything started going to hell for Alex’s curse, and I was almost impressed by how gruesome it sounded… right up until Fuckbug McGee Stone-Man85 suddenly remembered that the curse is little more than stupid anime armor a la s-CRY-ed. Well, I could dream, at least.

This week is gonna be another long riff by me, because I don’t want another repeat of chapter eight taking five damn parts to finish. I want to get this fic moving, God damn it, so chapter nine is ending today. Even if my phone melts in the process. (NaNoWriMo has not been kind to it.)

Before that, though, I need to introduce William!

Since I brought in one of the many Foxes I’ve made, I felt it only fair to even the score and bring in one of the Williams as well. As I said before, my Williams tend to be duty-oriented and humorless, with a few exceptions. They also tend to have long, red hair. Not sure why, that’s just always been the case. Some Williams use swords and spears and whatnot, but the majority of them prefer guns – namely, rifles. This William is no different, but for the fact that there’s no option on recolor.me to have a rifle slung on your avatar’s back, so I can’t show him actually carrying his gun.

And actually, Shades, I think you might recognize him!

Shades: Why would I recognize a bloke named William?

Well, it’s not like this one was your former sergeant back when you were a paranormal detective or anything…

Shades: Wait, WHAT?!

*SC grabs the top of Shades’ head and turns it until she faces the William who walked in during the conversation*

O hai, Sergeant William Striker!

O hai, Sergeant William Striker!

William: …Well, when they told me you weren’t dead, Deckard, I assumed you looked quite a bit more like a mutated zombie than this.

Shades: Sir?!

William: No, Ma’am, obviously. Good to see you again, Deckard. Wish you were still working for us, bloody Lordic is sleeping at his desk without anyone to keep him entertained anymore.

Lordic didn’t get a new partner?

William: He did, but he seems to have developed Danny Reaganitis.

Ah, so he tends to end up with new partners frequently?

William: Quite. He’s gone through about six now.

Sheesh, was Shades just too stubborn for him to get rid of until she got killed?

Shades: Well, I did have something of a reputation for being a juggernaut…

Alex: Wait, you’re both British cops? So then why is that psycho woman allowed to have guns?!

Considering how you manage to fuck up the most basic, common knowledge things about other countries, I’m amazed you know about the firearms restriction in the UK.

William: And in response to your question, the PNJE is an elite international agency, for one, and given the nature of the beings we deal with, having to conform to the firearm restriction present in the UK would make our jobs needlessly difficult, so the English government has exempted us. We have free reign to use whatever we need to keep the paranormal community in line.

In other words, Alex, Shades faces no reprimand for any gun she chooses to shoot you with, other than the morals of her peers.

*All color drains from Alex’s face*

So hey, let’s get this riff going, huh? We left off with the curse hitting Alex like a truck full of ugly, and I don’t just mean the stupid demon armor.

“Young sir?” Koroku called out as he watched the young outlander writhing on the ground. “Young sir, are you alright?”

William: I can’t claim to be much of a doctor, but I did serve a few tours in the RAF, and I don’t think writhing about on the ground in clear agony constitutes being alright.

Alex: What’s the RAF?

William: That… it’s the Air Force, lad. The Royal Air Force.

Alex: What would a pilot know about medical training?

William: …I’m going to ignore that question. It’s too stupid to warrant an answer.

Alex could only respond with a cry of agony that was pushed through clenched teeth and pressed his head into the moss while clutching at the ground with his now armored right hand. Even though this pain came from the curse held in his wrist chain, is whole body felt as though it were on fire and felt as though it was just moments away from splitting open.

Shades: Oh, grow a pair and get over it, you little tit, I’ve suffered worse fates and I’m perfectly fine.

That’s debatable.

Shades: I’m perfectly fine.

Alex: You’re totally no-

*BKAM!*

Shades: PERFECTLY FINE.

William: Might I ask that you return my rifle, please?

Shades: No.

William: …Deckard.

Shades: No.

William: My gun, Deckard?

*Shades hugs William’s carbine close*

Shades: …No.

Even through all the pain he was going through, all the while he fought to maintain control. The last thing he wanted was to loose both his mind and his body to the power of the cursed parasite inside him.

William and Shades: Curses aren’t parasites.

Alex: Oh, like you would know!

Shades: …Yes.

William: We built our careers around it.

Alex: …Well, uh…

William: Parasites are organisms that thrive by taking nutrients from a host, which curses do not do, because curses are not living entities. They are arcane torment. Ergo, curses are not parasites. Any questions?

Shades: Also, regarding an earlier bit, the wrist chain exists to pacify the curse. It is not, itself, cursed. You are. Let’s keep those two distinctions clear, shall we?

Alex: …But-

And on a grammatical level, if you LOOSE your mind and body to the curse, you are willingly releasing yourself to be overtaken. If you LOSE yourself to the curse, it forcefully overtakes you.

*Alex grumbles in defeat*

If that happened there was no telling what he would be capable of now that the demon ooze and armor had begun to spread all over his body instead of just his forearm and hand.

You would get stronger, look stupider, and control vines. That’s it. That’s all the curse ever does to you. I remember calling you the weakest demon ever when I found out.

Alex: That doesn’t sound weak to me.

Ever met Monocle? Know what he’d do to you, full-demon form?

Monocle, sticking his head in the doggy door: MONOCLE WOULD BARELY FEEL YOUR HEAD SPLIT APART UNDER HIS FOOT!

Alex: Yipe!

Shades: Gun.

Monocle: Yipe!

*Monocle pulls his head back out of the doggie door*

William: I see you’re still the Terror of New Eltham, glad that hasn’t gone away since your retirement.

New Eltham? Where’s that in London?

Shades: Sits on the line between Greenwich and Bexley. It’s where the London branch of the PNJE makes their headquarters.

Given that you guys are an international peacekeeping agency, wouldn’t you want to station yourselves closer to Southwark, where Parliament and the administrative offices are?

William: We tried. Parliament gave us a middle finger and told us to sod off. New Eltham was where we ended up settling in after that. Probably a better option anyhow, New Eltham is a quieter part of London. Lets us get our jobs done easier.

So how did Shades become the “Terror of New Eltham?”

Shades: Basically by just being myself; but also for being extremely prompt to calls of crimes in progress. A lot of paranormal criminal activity happened in neighboring Eltham before Lordic and I got hired on. Because it was so close by, we were usually already on the scene, or showed up in a matter of minutes. I would end up doing most of the fighting, Lordic would do most of the handcuffing. Earned myself a bit of a reputation as a “dog of war,” I think it was. When the villains found out that I worked right next door, crime started to die down like a suffocated fire because nobody wanted to have to square up to me. The nickname kind of fell on me after that.

Nice.

Alex: …Wait, what we’re we talking about before this?

Oh yeah, shit, the riff…

As the burning continued to throb through his flesh, the youth fought with all his strength to suppress the seizure until it passed, as did the creature that walked away from sight.

Shishigami’s having a seizure? What? Also, Alex, that’s not how seizures work. You might want to actually read up on the condition before you go and try to claim that you suffered from it.

Alex: Well, how was I supposed to know what seizures feel like?! It’s like I’d ever had them before!

Exactly my point. If you don’t typically suffer from it, you should study up before deciding on whether or not it happened. I thought you were supposed to be the son of a doctor?

Alex: I am!

And your dad never taught you this super basic stuff. Yeah right, and I’m the pope.

William: “Pope SC.” Now there’s an interesting image.

Those robes would be too damn big for me, tell you what.

The black ooze began to melt off once more as it did the first time, and the golden yellow armor began to retract back into the wrist chain, and finally, the red gem began to fade its glowing. And finally, he squeezed his eyes, letting out tears, only his right eye seemed to cry out black tears, as his right eye returned to normal.

Shades: Ah bollocks, this eye juice is rotten. Better throw it away, don’t want to make people sick off it.

Be sure to toss it in the incinerator that uses holy fire, now.

William: Anybody else get Happy Tree Friends thoughts out of that?

I was wondering if someone would pick up on that joke.

Alex: I feel uncomfortable with this discussion.

Good.

That was, if it was going to pass this time, which at the moment did not seem likely.

William: Oh, buck up, it’s just a little bit of curse. There’s far worse things you could have sticking around.

Like what?

William: Mutant parasitic organisms siphoning your bodily fluids for mass reproductive purposes until there’s several billion of them and they converge into a single biomass that terrorizes the streets of Whitechapel. It’s always bloody Whitechapel…

I regret asking.

Shades: Twenty-three murder victims, all shriveled up like human raisins, and we only realized the suspect was a science project gone tits up when it was the size of a small apartment complex and eating cars like potato crisps. That was a fun call.

William: Protocol dictated fire. Lots and lots of fire. The entire area had to be evacuated for a month because of the stench and accidental indirect arson damage.

Wow, okay, I could have gone my entire life without hearing that story.

Alex: I think I’m gonna be sick…

But, as time passed, the pain slowly began to subside, draining away from his body like water. When he no longer felt the pain in his body or a faint voice inside his head, Alex lay on the mossy ground and gasped for air. He opened his eyes and with his left hand, rubbed away the tears and sweat on his face. When he looked to his right, he saw Isaac standing just inches away from him, sniffing at his face. “I guess I lost it, again,” he said and sat up.

Shades: You think?

“No, you didn’t lose anything,” Isaac whispered to him, reassuring his friend as he placed his front left paw on Alex’s right hand, “Something was out there that caused the curse to react in such a way.”

Blame Takumi.

Shades: Bit early yet for you to be making Fire Emblem If jokes, isn’t it?

Are you kidding me? Those jokes started popping up when Fates was first announced.

The two then glanced at where the light and the strange creature had been. Both were gone.

“Young sir, are you alright?” Koroku called out again, “You looked as though you were being turned inside out.”

Shades: Now there’s an idea to toss Bifocals’ way…

*Alex shrinks as far down in his seat as he can*

Alex reached over and picked up his rice bowl, “I’m fine, Koroku,” he replied, slipping the hood of his cloak over the upper-half of his face.

William: Do I really need to be told what part of the face a hood covers? I wear them frequently enough.

“You didn’t look fine,” the ox-driver retorted. “You clutched your arm in pain and started rolling all over the ground.”

“Just forget the whole thing ever happened.” Alex then retrieved his bowl from the water and took it over to where the still unconscious man was lying. He carefully lifted the man’s head slightly and carefully began to pour the crystal clear water from the bowl into his mouth.

*Alarms Blare*

*Shades and SC grin wickedly at Alex*

Alex: …Please no.

Shades: Doing it.

*Shades summons a cannon, and she and SC forcibly load Alex into it; William lights the fuse, and Alex is sent exploding out into the hall*

William: Well that was cathartic.

It always is.

*Alex respawns, weeping quietly*

That’s hardly the worst thing we could have done to you, you bitch, quit crying.

Alex felt relief pass over him when the man swallowed. “By the way,” he started.

“Yes,” Koroku answered leaning towards Alex.

Alex looked back a the now dark spot behind the trees where he had seen the strange creature and sighed. “Never mind,” he said, shaking his head. He the looked down at Isaac, who was peering at him with a inquisitive expression. “It was probably just my imagination.”

Yeah, and Harry Potter thought it was his dad when it happened to him. We all saw Prisoner of Azkaban, I remember that part.

Shades: That was probably my favorite movie of the entire series, to be perfectly honest with you. Kind of stopped paying attention after Goblet of Fire.

Dude, what?

he then sighed as he thought in suspicion, ‘It’s gone… whatever it was…

Your dick?

Alex: Oh, ha ha, very fun-

*Shades giddily summons a rocket launcher and fires it into Alex’s groin, exploding him into pieces*

William: Really, Deckard?

Shades: What?

*Alex respawns*

Alex: WHY?!

Back on the Trail

As soon as he was completely recovered from the siege on his body,

Bitch, that wasn’t a siege, that was a full-on overtaking of the ramparts.

Alex: Huh?

…You fucking disgust me.

the young outlander and the small group left the lakes and continued on through the forest. This time, however, the little kodama were not there to guide them. Alex didn’t mind this, because for one reason or another Isaac seemed to have a fairly good idea as to where they needed to go.

Carrying the injured man was also easier than it had been earlier. The man, who probably weighed just below two-hundred pounds, now felt as light as a small brick. Though Alex liked this sudden development beyond words, it puzzled him. Just an hour before he had nearly crumbled to the ground out of exhaustion by carrying this guy; now he felt as though he could carry four more like him.

Shades: Which amounts to one thousand pounds, give or take – exactly half the weight of Monocle.

Alex: Seriously?!

Oh yeah. Guy’s eight feet tall, weighs two tons. I had to completely reinforce my floors to keep him from busting them to pieces every time he walks to the kitchen. What, you thought he was bullshitting you when he said he wouldn’t even feel your skull split under his foot?

Alex: What the hell IS he?!

An alien who hails from a planet where royalty is decided by how good you are at killing everybody around you. He was their War Prince. The only reason he wasn’t the King of Warlords was because he lacked finesse.

Shades: And continues to lack that finesse.

William: I’ll just go ahead and make a note for if I ever have trouble with him in the future…

“Must be something the marks are causing,” he said to himself. “Maybe it’s releasing some sort of superhuman abilities when it thinks its host’s being threatened. I guess it is like I’m carrying around a symbiote and a parasite all in one neat little package.”

Do you realize that every time you say that, Taco gets pissed to hell? I mean, he’s kind of our resident science guy, and your science has been nothing but wrong throughout this entire story so far.

Alex: …Okay, so?

So prepare to get hit by a gong wielded by a fucking monster of a sheep.

Alex: What?

You’ll see. It might take a few days because Taco’s a busy Taco with many important things to Taco, but you’ll see.

Alex: What the hell are you even saying?

he looked to Isaac on his shoulder as he asked, “You think the curse might have something to do with this?”

“Possibly,” Isaac answered, “Though I’m not very knowledgeable on how every curse works.”

Booky might be.

Shades: Probably is, even.

[I mean, I don’t like to brag, but… -Book Specs]

he then looked onward in front of them as he went on, “Every curse works differently to enhance its host; for some, speed, others, agility. And for you, apparently, could be strength and power. But it’s just my guess.”

Curses. Do not. Enhance. They debilitate. They exist to cause suffering, not boost skill. You’re really lucky Booky isn’t here right now, I can guarantee you he’d have caved your skull, even despite the fact that you didn’t say it.

Alex: Are all your friends psychopaths?

To call the Specs and Co. my friends is an incredible stretch.

William: You don’t consider Deckard to be a friend? Why, I am positively shocked. Shocked I say.

Shades: Ha. Ha ha. Ha. Git.

“Alex, my arm!”

Oh, now what the hell is Koroku’s deal?

The youth looked over his shoulder and saw Koroku looking at his fractured arm. “What’s wrong with it, now?” he asked, somewhat annoyed. Though he really didn’t have anything against the ox-driver, he found his constant whining and complaining extremely irritating.

Shades: Funny, I feel the exact same things about you.

Alex: I’m not whining or complaining!

Shades: I was a detective in a past life, boy, I can tell when I’m being lied to. Also, I hate gits like you on principle, so even if you’re not whining, just being around you annoys me. In fact…

*BKAM!*

Oh great, now he’s leaking brains all over the floor. That’s gonna drip onto the ninjas, man, they’re gonna be pissed.

Shades: It’s okay, we’ll just give them Alex for target practice as compensation.

William: The irony of all this is that I should be arresting you both, but have exactly zero desire to do so.

Kind of like you had zero desire to tell the DRD to piss off?

William: Lordic already used that trick once.

Shades: How the bleeding shite do you know about that?

William: You WERE a detective in a past life, Deckard. I still AM a detective in my current life.

“Nothing!” the man called out with a big smile, “It doesn’t hurt anymore!” He then took his arm out of its sling and held it high above his head. “The Gods have healed it!” There was a sudden cracking noise which caused him to clutch his arm in pain. Nope, it’s still broken.

William and Shades: Mate.

And here I thought only Lordic was that in synch with Shades.

Isaac just sweat dropped at the human’s idiocy, while Alex stared wide eyed and with an open mouth, and then finally shouted, “THEN STOP MESSING WITH IT, YOU IDIOT!”

…Oh, was that part supposed to be funny? Sorry I completely missed it. Probably because of its lack of comedic value.

He shook his head and continued on.

Later On

*Alex finally respawns*

Oh good, you’re just in time for the scene transition.

Alex: Woohoo.

By the time the group finally made it out of the forest, the sun was just starting to sink behind the peaks of the mountains, filling the sky with a golden mask of color.

William: Never knew I could hate the color purple before.

The things you learn, right?

Alex: What? That sunset wasn’t purple, it was gold, weren’t you paying attention?

*William slowly turns to stare at Alex*

Alex: …Well it wa-

*BKAM!*

*William pokes Alex’s body with his smoking rifle to ensure that he is actually dead*

William: Ffffffffucking git.

When Alex, Isaac, and the ox-riding Koroku stepped over the slope of a grassy hill, they all stopped and looked out at what lay just a mile ahead.

It was a massive lake that lay in the valley of forest covered mountains. At the base of one of the mountains was a large compound of man-made structures that was surrounded by a wall of thick logs. The compound had been built on top of a gargantuan hill of earth that rose from the waters of the lake like a giant boil, covered with hundreds pointed logs that jutted out of the ground like the thorny spines of a puffer fish. Only a single dirt bridge connected it to the land walnut shell.

That’s… certainly a way of introducing Irontown, I’ll say that much.

What Alex seemed to notice the most was loud clanging that resonated from behind the walls and all through the valley, and the clouds of black smoke that belched from the largest structure, a pyramid-shaped building that dwarfed all the other buildings in its shadow. The foul-smelling fumes of the smoke seemed to permeate the all the air in the area, for when the young outlander breathed, he felt a burning sensation fill his nose and mouth as well as his lungs and stomach.

William: Sounds like a blacksmith forge, alright.

Do guys have one in-house or something?

Shades: Uh, sort of. There’s not a whole lot of non-firearm usage in the PNJE that I recall, so they don’t really see much business.

William: What activity they do get is for knives that are strong enough to punch through a brick wall, typically.

You need knives that strong?

Shades: Sometimes, guns can only carry you so far; and for the PNJE, given that they tend to fight dragons and demigods and shite like that, you kind of were required to have a stupid-strong knife handy.

Alex: Punch through a brick wall? That doesn’t sound that stro-

*Shades pulls her knife and cleanly cuts Alex and the chair in half with it*

Shades: See?

Yowza.

William: When’d that tosser even respawn, anyhow…?

The next things he noticed was that waters that surrounded the compound were brown and murky, and the lower part of the closest mountain had been stripped of everything living, leaving it bare and lifeless.

Iron deposits, yo. They needs ’em.

“What the heck is that place?” Alex asked.

“It’s Lady Eboshi’s Iron Town,” Koroku replied laughing with joy, “We forge iron from ore we mine from the mountain.”

And strip from natural deposits in the forest, hence why Moro hates their asses. Well, partly.

Shades: I can understand that.

He laughed and playfully patted the ox’s back, “We did it, Alex! We made it back alive just like you said we would!”

I wish I had it in me to be surprised that everything worked out for the Stu even though it had no reason for doing so, but what really could I have expected, other than the exact polar opposite, which is another issue badfic authors tend to have?

With that he gave the horned animal a quick slap on the rump, causing it to lurch forward. “Come on, let’s go while there’s still light.”

Alex smirked at seeing Koroku’s excitement, “Glad to know he’s happy,” but then he frowned as he continued to look at the smoke spewing compound a moment more. He took out the iron ball from his pocket and stared glacially at it.

Alex: Okay, I’m back again, and before anybody says anything, glacially was correctly used, so-

*BKAM!*

I hate it when other people assume they know what I’m thinking.

Shades: It’s really quite rude.

William: Indeed.

So…this is where you were made, huh?‘ He returned his attention to the so-called, Iron Town and narrowed his eyes. ‘I hate the place already.

Because he’s scum and is willing to condemn an entire population trying to get by due to an indirect cause-and-effect where they were involved, yes, we’ve established this.

Shades: Indirect?

Someone from Irontown shot Nago. Maybe out of self-defense, maybe out of spite, it’s impossible to tell, but I choose to view it as self-defense, because there is another boar god who violently opposes humans, and maybe they confused the two. This, in turn, pissed Nago off so bad that he became a demon. And that, in turn, led to a crazed rampage which happened to take him to the Emishi village. Alex steps in at this point and kills Nago, which gets him cursed along the way. Alex is a variable in the equation, because when he landed in Muromachi Japan, he could have gone in literally any other direction, but decided to go the way that happened to lead him to the village. If he hadn’t wandered to the village, he would not have encountered Nago, nor would he have been coerced into defending the place, and so he wouldn’t have killed Nago, and he wouldn’t have gotten cursed. Ergo, while directly, Irontown caused Nago to become a demon and go on a rampage that led him to the Emishi, it was by Alex’s own decision to get involved that he ended up cursed, and so, Irontown is indirectly responsible for that. Alex hates an entire group of people because of a chain of events they caused, perhaps out of fear for their own lives, that he inserted himself into. Thus, Alex is scum.

Shades: Aaaaaaah.

William: …So have you ever considered being a detective?

Buddy, I am in no way qualified for that job.

With a deep frown he pulled his cloak’s hood over his face and proceeded to follow Koroku and the ox with Isaac following just a few steps behind him.

As they neared the lake, Koroku began to wave and shout happily at two fishermen who were tending to their day’s catch.

“Hey!” the man cried out, “Hey, it’s me, Koroku! Koroku the ox-driver!” He laughed loudly and continued to wave at the group.

When they finally reached the bank the two fishermen rushed towards their injured comrades, completely ignoring Alex and his furry little companion. “Koroku!” one of them called out joyfully as he made his way over to the black ox, “You’re alive!”

“We all thought you were dead!” the other added, “What happened?”

“It’s a long story,” Koroku replied, “But I’m alive, so that all that matters, right?”

Aw, what a happy reunio-

“Toki was worried to tears,” The first man chimed in, “It took her nearly an hour to finally stop crying.” He grinned slyly. “had you not shown up just now…well, I might have found myself comforting her in a nice quiet place, if you know what I’m saying.”

…Huh.

Shades: I wasn’t aware Muromachi Japan made jokes about casual adultery.

You know, I don’t think it was a common practice amongst the people of that age.

William: …I was expecting a quip from Alex and didn’t hear one. Where’d he go?

I decided we’ve put up with enough of his shit for this week, so I sent him to play with Monocle.

*Alex’s screams echo through the hall*

While the three men continued to talk and laugh amongst themselves, Alex walked over to the small boat that was tethered to the bank, with the injured man still slung over his back. Being careful not to damage the man any more than he already was, the young outlander slowly lowered him into the boat.

“Hey!” someone called out from behind him, getting his attention, “What the hell do you think you’re doing over there?”

When Alex turned around he found himself facing two very angry looking fishermen. “Were you trying to steal our catch?” the first one, a man with a small beard, growled, “Is that it, you dirty little thief?”

William: Did… did they somehow miss the almost-dead guy he was carrying?

“Kigogi, wait a minute!” Koroku said quickly, “This young man was the one who brought me here. It’s because of him that I’m still alive!”

The fishermen wrinkled his nose for second, then looked at Alex with a slight frown. “Is this true, stranger?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” the youth replied, modestly as he bowed his head in respect.

“He also brought one of the riflemen back too!”

The two fishermen exchanged nervous looks then looked back at Alex. “Well, I suppose you can’t be all that bad then,” one of them said with a faint smile, “Seeing as how you’ve brought our two friends back like this.”

“And through the forbidden forest, too!” the other fishermen added, “You must have balls as hard as the iron we forge!”

No, he’s just immensely stupid. Bravery and idiocy should never be placed in the same category.

Isaac just snickered from that part, “If he did, he’d be in pain right about now.”

Alex just stared at the two men with a gaping expression, and a sweat drop, “Ummmm…yeah,” he said flatly. “Balls as hard as iron, right, got it.…” He tried to keep a straight face, ‘I’ve stumbled across the land of the iron fanatics.

William: They make one iron joke, and now they’re fanatics? Really?

Yeah, Alex is just gonna continue being a scumbag now, that’s why I kicked him out for the rest of this. I just know he’d try and argue with us and I’m not interested in dealing with that. Whether he likes it or not, it was his own choice to get involved and so him getting cursed was his fault, but no, let’s blame the guys who were only slightly responsible because it was their bullet found in the body. Ace detectiving work, Alex.

Shades: Oh yeah, my first instinct is always to throw the ones who were trying to defend themselves under the bus for the assailant who was giving them hell suddenly coming after another victim and instead hitting me in the process. Because, you know, that’s logical.

“Come on,” said the first fishermen helping Koroku to the boat. “The others will be thrilled when they see that you’re still alive.” He then looked towards Alex, “And I’m sure Lady Eboshi will want to have a look at the one who brought these two men back to her.”

Alex forced a wide grin, “Sound’s great.”

Isaac crawled up on Alex, and perched himself on his shoulder, whispering, “You’ve got that ‘I’m up to something’ look on your face, kiddo.”

“No, I’m not. This is my ‘free eats and lodging happiness’ look,” Alex reassured.

Shades: Oooooh, so he’s wearing that goofy grin Specs gets in the same situation, then.

Well, he’s forcing it, in any event.

Iron Town

Well, it took us the whole year, but we finally made it!

By the time the boat reached the bank just outside the walls of Iron Town, the entire compound was in a loud uproar. Men and women alike were lining up along the dirt bank talking excitedly and pointing as they awaited the two survivor’s arrival.

Uh, I might be misremembering, but I recall that what actually happened was that everybody peeked over the wall at Ashitaka like, “Who the fuck’s this asshole?”

The boat scraped against the bank until it finally came to a stop. Before Koroku could even say a word, he was greeted by a large group of his fellow ox-drivers and was literally smothered with questions.

“How can you still be alive?” a man asked, “I saw the Wolf-God throw you over the cliff!”

Koroku grinned and chuckled, but then the really dour questions came in, “Are you the only ones who survived?”

Dour? Really?

I mean, technically it wasn’t used INCORRECTLY…

So sayeth Uncle Google...

So sayeth Uncle Google…

…But you really needed to thump your thesaurus to say that Koroku was being asked grim questions?

Another man with a thin mustache clutched Koroku’s shoulders and stared at him with a wide look of desperation. “Is my son with you?” He asked hysterically, “Did he survive too? Is he alright? Please, I must know!”

Koroku gave the man a saddened frown and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said. “But…I’m afraid that we’re the only one’s who survived. I’m sorry.”

The man silently nodded, and began to make his way to a plumpish woman dressed in a light blue kimono who was holding a large basket over her head. When he was finally facing her he lowered his head and began to speak quietly. As soon as the words were spoken, the woman dropped the basket and collapsed to her knees. As she sobbed uncontrollably, her husband comforted her, as did a few of the women standing nearby.

Alright, that was actually pretty decent scenery right there.

Now how is it going to get fucked up?

While the group of men carefully lifted Koroku out of the boat, a large number of men who were dressed in orange tunics and strips of white cloth that hid their faces, hurried down the dirt slope and huddled around the still unconscious man lying in the boat.

As Alex watched the group carry off unconscious the man, he noticed that their tunics matched in color. Watching this, he came to the conclusion that the man he had been carrying was a member of some sort of guard, and the men carrying him off were his comrades.

William: That’d be a pretty good guess.

One of the orange-tunic wearing men stopped, turned towards Alex, and bowed. “Thank you, stranger,” the man said before running off to rejoin his comrades.

Alex blinked behind his wolf-furred cloak and looked about at the villagers around him. Many were staring at him, and whispering to one another while pointing either at his leather jacket or at his face. Though there appeared to be no threat or spite intended, Alex couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. When he thought about it, the youth had felt less uncomfortable when he had been on the receiving end of the Princess Mononoke’s dark scowls.

Shades: Yet I glare at him once and he pisses himself.

To be fair, you also take any excuse to kill him that presents itself. San let him off easy.

Shades: Pretty sure if she ever got in on a riff with me, San would be the lesser of two evils.

William: I can vouch for that.

“Listen to me, everyone!” Koroku called out, “This young man saved our lives, and carried the rifleman all the way here. You should be grateful to him!” He suddenly yelped in pain, “Owww, my arm! Watch the arm!”

A young woman, around his age, dressed in a dark green kimono turned to Alex, hesitated, then asked, “Is that true?”

Alex gave her a half smile and reached his hand around to scratch his nose, “We…I..uhhh… yeah I guess you could say th…”

“Hold it right there!” Someone called out fiercely, “Don’t even move a finger!”

*Shades flexes her index finger*

William: You cheeky bugger.

Shades: Got it from me mum.

I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you use “me” in place of “my.” Did you suddenly get MORE British?

Shades: I grew up in Birmingham, mate. I could potentially be obnoxiously British if I allowed myself.

Alex looked up the slope and saw a burly looking man marching down towards him, flanked by two more men who looked like something you would find in one of those cheesy ninja movies.

Stone-Man85, I know you don’t have much of a grasp on narrative voice to begin with, but it’s slipping harder than usual here.

The man who had called out to him had a black beard and a shaven head, and was dressed in a dark colored military tunic.

Because I’m totally going to know the difference between a military tunic and a regular tunic. Obviously, it has some distinctive features, so why don’t you FUCKING DESCRIBE THEM and quit being lazy about it?!

Fuck it. I may as well just show you what Gonza looks like, for what it’s worth.

O hai, Gonza!

O hai, Gonza!

By the way the man moved and by the forceful demeanor he possessed in his posture and expression, it was easy to tell that he held some sort of high rank among the villagers.

Shades: That and he stands a good half a foot taller than everybody.

Yeah, he’s kind of a brute when you get a good look at him.

Alex gulped to himself, ‘Oh boy. Here comes trouble…

Oh please, Gonza’s a pushover. A fifteen year old wild girl, a tribal prince from the north, and probably Moro (though it’s hard to tell in the chaos of the mountain ambush) all manage to make him look like a chump. Probably Shishigami after getting his head shot off, too, Eboshi did take a leading role in that little snafu. The only real reason you could call him tough is because he survives all that crap. Granted, Ashitaka did have a curse that made him fuck-off strong, and San did catch him by surprise, and Moro is a gigantic pissed off wolf god, and Shishigami is about the closest thing to a chief patron deity the forest has, but still, Gonza just kind of gets walked on for the whole movie.

William: Then again, this is Alex, and he’s at present still a little punk, so he might have a legitimate problem if he pisses Gonza off now.

True.

As the man continued towards Alex and Isaac, the crowds of villagers moved aside, making room for him and his two ninja-flunkies. He stopped a few steps away from the young outlander and scowled. “I’m Gonza,” he said gruffly, “I’m Captain of the guard of Iron Town, and personal body-guard to the Lady Eboshi.”

Indeed you are, sir.

“It’s an honor to meet you then, Capt. Gonza,” Alex replied respectfully and yet flatly.

Oh come on, Stone-Man85, you’re really such a lazy shit that you can’t consistently write out the word captain properly?

William: I mean, at least he abbreviated it properly, but captain is one of those ranks where the abbreviation just looks wrong. At least, to me, it does. That’s why I was glad to learn upon my last promotion before I retired from service that the equivalent rank in the RAF was Flight Lieutenant. That one’s abbreviated, “Flt. Lt.”

Shades: So you were a Flit-Lit when you retired?

William: Yes, a Flight Lieuy, exactly.

Must have been bored in retirement, he became a paranormal cop afterwards.

William: I was only somewhere in my early thirties when I got out, I still have a lot of things left to do with my time.

So that would make you about as old as Paulo, then?

William: Mr. Rori? Maybe older, who knows?

Shades: You’re another one who can hold his age well, then.

William: Nah. Just never grew out of my baby face entirely.

…What the fuck were we even talking about?

Shades: We were pissed that Stone-Man85 can’t be bothered to write out a word as easy as captain.

Oh, right, that.

Gonza frowned at the boy’s lack of respect and huffed loudly through his nose.

William: I’m sure that sounded lovely.

One of Goldie’s machines used to make a similar noise.

“I’m very grateful to you for bringing these to men back to our village.”

The dark haired youth raised an eyebrow, “But…?”

But! the guard captain snapped. I’m curious as to how you were able to accomplish such a task.

Shades: I’m curious to know how Gonza’s talking without any quotation marks.

That’s another clue that Stone-Man85 stole this word-for-word from N’jata with only minor changes where he saw fit: N’jata almost NEVER properly punctuated dialogue. You had to pay attention to when characters started talking.

You got here almost as fast as we did, and through the forbidden forest of Shisha-Gami. That in itself is an obstacle that no human as ever been able to accomplish. You were also carrying two injured men. He gave Alex a threatening look as he stepped closer to him, “Now you tell me, Outlander. Why shouldn’t I be suspicious of all this?”

Cut his head off, Gonza, he’s a threat to you and all your people.

Alex just stared at the man and narrowed his eye. “Look, Stone-Cold Steve Austin,” he said,

Because Gonza’s totally going to know who that is, you fuckball. Didn’t I tell you many times before to cut it out with the fucking pop culture quips?

William: And really, if you want to reference a wrestler, why not go for someone closer to home? Shohei “Giant” Baba is a pretty close contender, given how huge he and Gonza both are.

Are you into Japanese pro wrestling? I always kind of thought that wrestling fans were exclusively so to their specific countries and nowhere else.

William: I wouldn’t say I’m into it, no; but a mate of mine brought in a video of a match that his brother sent him while he was in Japan on a business trip once, and it got me intrigued enough to look up some popular names, see what Japan had to offer in the way of good, old-fashioned ring brutality. Baba was one of the names I stumbled across.

Aaaaah.

“I think I deserve a better thanks than this.

Says who, chumpski?

I put my ass on the line to save these two guys, and the last thing I need is some bald, bohunk with a big mouth gritting in my face.

…So what? You wouldn’t have had to put your life on the line if you hadn’t insisted on being an idiot and going the dangerous way. That’s your own fucking fault. And by the way, for those who don’t know, “bohunk” is a highly derogatory term for Bohemian laborers and immigrants. The Bohemian people originate from the area now recognized as the Czech Republic, FYI, so not only was Alex racist just now, but he was incorrectly racist at that.

Shades: I’m not sure which to be more offended by. I’d be pissed if someone was racist towards me, but I think I’d be more pissed if they got it wrong.

William: If you’re going to be a tosser, at least be an accurate one so that I’m not mad at you for being a barmy tosser.

So why don’t you shut your face before I… !”

William: Oh no, by all means, go ahead and finish that thought, you pillock.

Seriously, I hope I’m not supposed to be sympathetic towards Alex. He has done nothing to convince me that he’s anything more than trash. Gonza voices a legitimate concern, rudeness regardless, and Alex’s first response is to bitch him out? And before that, Alex can’t even have the decency to mind his manners in the face of a figure of authority, in a time period where that could get you killed? Seriously, does Stone-Man85 know how sympathetic characters are supposed to work?

“Koroku!” a high-pitched voice called out. Both Alex and Gonza broke their attention from each other and watched as a young, beautifully featured woman barreled down slope pushing through the crowds and knocking over men standing in her path.

Shades: Young and beautifully featured. I just know that Stone-Man85 was talking about her tits. We’ve already confirmed that he’s no gentleman, he couldn’t possibly mean anything else. It’s commentary like that which is why I try and obscure my gender in the first place, I’m feminine enough that I’d get similar gobshite spat my way if I didn’t.

William: I was under the belief that it was because you thought it made you look cool.

Shades: Well, it does, but that’s not the reason, no.

She was dressed in a red kimono and wore her hair concealed under a turban of white cloth. “Koroku!” she called again, “You’re alive!”

“Toki, my lovely little flower!” Koroku called out with a goofy looking smile on his face.

When the woman reached Koroku, she looked as though she was going to smother the ox-driver in a frenzy of hugs and kisses. However when her dark eyes found the bandages and splints tied to Koroku’s leg and arm she glared at him and puffed up her chest like an anger-filled balloon.

Shades: Wh-? You mean to tell me that women can just inflate and deflate their tits on a whim?! Damn it, why doesn’t my gender tell me these things?!

You’d totally have reduced your breast size when you were still a detective, wouldn’t you?

Shades: Of course I would! I believe we’ve previously established, at my expense no less, that I have to wear especially baggy sweaters to keep from looking like I’m trying to smuggle a pair of cantaloupes under my jacket!

William: I suppose it should make me happy to know that Deckard is comfortable enough about the topic of breast size to make such remarks about herself, but it’s actually throwing me for a loop right now.

You’ll get used to it. It’s because she hangs out around Glasses so much. Glasses doesn’t give two shits about making boob jokes, she’ll roll with it like it’s nothing.

Shades: The cat has grown on me a bit, yes. Not sure if that’s personality-wise, or in terms of how much she fucking sheds.

Glasses sheds in her human body?

Shades: It’s mostly just the hair on her head, but if you ever wonder why you’ll sometimes see her wearing sweatpants and long sleeved tops in weird weather, that’s a good sign that the rest of her body’s going through it as well.

That hair must grow in fast, you never see it.

Shades: It does. She’s just extremely anal about keeping it shaved.

And she just lets it grow out when she starts shedding?

Shades: Probably because the new stuff is pushing out the old stuff, but yeah.

William: I have no idea what either of you are on about, but I am one hundred percent certain I don’t want to know.

[Shaaaaades! You said you weren’t going to tell people about my shedding! -Glasses]

[So I’m a liar, what of it? The secret would’ve come out eventually anyhow. -Shades]

“Well that’s just perfect!” she growled shoving her face towards Koroku’s, “Look at you, your a mess.

Excuse me, miss, but why do you need to drag his a mess into this?

How are you supposed to drive oxen now with your leg and arm all broken and bandaged like that, huh?

Unless he’s the type of oxen driver who walks beside them while they pull the cart, he only needs one functioning arm to use a switch with. But, then, he could be the type of oxen driver who walks beside them while they pull the cart, so the question is still valid.

Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? Do you have any idea how ridiculous I’m going to look?”

Shades: Your husband survived near-death at the hands of an angry wolf god and made it back home alive with a fellow colonist. You’re having a petty outburst about appearances because he’s injured and can’t drive oxen now. I think if anybody’s at risk of making you look foolish, it’s yourself, mate.

all Alex and Isaac could do at this point, was nearly face-vault to the ground as they both sweat dropped at this awkward scene.

Really, face-vaulting? You mean that anime trope where characters hurl themselves face-first into the ground in comedic fashion out of shock or annoyance towards something they weren’t expecting? Exactly what about Toki’s outburst would warrant that, in the first place, and would you fucking cut it out with the anime tropes already?

“But my little flowe…”

“You scared me half to death, you scrawny idiot!” Toki interrupted, now more angry than she had been just moments before, “So don’t think that ‘little flower’ compliment will get you out of this. You’re a complete disgrace! Maybe if the wolves had eaten you, I could’ve found a real husband, one who doesn’t get himself into trouble every time I look the other way.”

Shades: Gee, I wonder what this munter married him for.

The marriage was probably arranged for money or something by the parents. I imagine working men in Muromachi Japan were regarded pretty highly by societal standards, so it could also very well be family honor for what it’s worth. Add to that the fact that Koroku might be a soldier for Eboshi’s personal guard detail… well, you get the idea.

“Sweetness,” Koroku whined while the other men bellowed with laughter, “Can we please talk about this later?”

Am somewhat on the fence about whether sweetness was used as a complimentary term in the Muromachi period.

Everyone’s listening.

Shades: Son of a BITCH! ALRIGHT, YOU ILLUMINATI CUNTS! I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE! YOU CAN’T FOOL ME!!!

William: Deckard, if you would kindly un-summon the surface-to-air missile turrets before someone gets seriously dead…

Am I gonna have to restrict which guns you’re allowed to summon during these riffs?

Both Alex and Gonza could only stare and watch as the scene between the woman and Koroku continued to unfold. “Hey Gonza,” Alex asked quietly, “Who’s Miss Congeniality over there?”

BECAUSE GONZA IS TOTALLY GOING TO GET THAT REFERENCE YOU FUCKWAD.

The Guard Captain

Oh, NOW he spells captain out properly.

grunted and tilted his head towards the youth’s. “Her name’s Toki,” he said, “and she’s that unfortunate man’s wife.”

“His wife?” Alex glanced at the woman dressed in the red Kimono while she proceeded to chastise Koroku even more, “With the way she’s going off on him, she seems more like his mother-in-law.”

William: I don’t know, my mother-in-law is actually quite a sweet woman.

Paulo says his mother-in-law is a hoot at family gatherings.

Shades: Really, I think the whole “mother-in-laws are psychotic, overbearing cows” thing is more a joke than any sort of truth at this point.

Depends on who you talk to.

Shades: Well, yeah…

Gonza chuckled inwardly at the statement then looked to the young woman. “Toki,” he called out with a half smile, “Why don’t you do us all a favor and save your sweet nothings for some other time.”

“Why don’t you do us a favor, Gonza and shut that big mouth of yours!” Toki retorted and began to stomp towards the bearded man, “You’re the one who left him there to die in the first place!

By Eboshi and Yashahime’s orders, lady. You want to try and tell me that you’d defy a psycho bitch who punchabunch’d Moro off a cliff and the mistress of the colony who shot her in the neck?

A fine Captain of the Guards you are! You don’t do a lick of work around her and hide behind Lady Eboshi whenever danger arises.” She crossed her arms and shot him an icy glare, “And then when all is safe and taken care of, you crawl out into the open and strut around and bark orders like you’re some kind of war hero!”

Well, I did say that Gonza is a pushover…

Before Gonza could even open his mouth to respond, Alex suddenly chimed in. “Excuse me, lady,” he said. “Just take it easy, okay?” The woman jerked her face in his direction and stared at him, “Your husband’s still alive right? He’s not exactly in the best workingcondition, but he’s alive, right? What’re you getting so pissed off about?”

Shades: You know you have a bad temper when the least likable character in the story is being all like 1c8938d1f43b782d11f98305a00f571dfeddacd2fa1749b448c5ceef672d305a

Toki continued to stare at the young outlander before smiling slyly. “And who might you be?” she asked.

“The name’s Alex. I’m the guy who lugged your husband and that other all the way back here.” and he pointed to Isaac who was perched on his shoulder, “And this little furry growth on my shoulder is Isaac.”

William: Well that’s a fine way to talk about your faithful companion.

Who saved his ass from being dog food, no less.

“It’s true, love!” Koroku called out, “He even carri…”

“Was I talking to you, Koroku?” Toki shouted, cutting the ox-driver if in mid-sentence, “No, I wasn’t, so keep quiet!”

Koroku drew back and lowered his head in submission, “Yes, love.”

“That’s a good boy.” Toki grinned with her chin held high triumphantly.

Can we just get Koroku a fucking beer? He’s been through so much shit these last few riffs, guy needs a stiff drink.

Shades: I know a good pub that’ll do him favors.

[Send him to Quindecim, I hear they make great drinks. -Contacts]

[NO, WE ARE NOT SENDING KOROKU TO THE DEATH PARADE CANON! -SC]

She then returned her attention to the cloaked outlander and gave him a warm smile. “Thank you, stranger,” she said, “My husband my be the most worthless man to alive, but I’m glad he’s alright and in one piece.”

I’m not sure he shares your sentiment.

William: No, I think he’s wishing he were dead right now.

“You’ve got a very strange way of showing it, lady,” Alex retorted flatly, as he smiled nervously, “For awhile I was starting to think that I made a mistake bringing him back.”

The scummiest character in the fic is calling you out for being crazy, lady, how does that make you feel?

Toki blinked a few times before breaking out with laughter, “You have a quick whit, stranger,” she said. “… and a fast mouth to go with it. If I wasn’t already married to Koroku over there, I could really fall for someone like you.”

Shades: I can’t tell if this is Stone-Man85 making people kiss up to Alex and stroke his ego, or Toki acting in character and hitting on Alex like she did with Ashitaka.

You mean like all the women did with Ashitaka?

Shades: Right.

The dark-haired youth’s mouth dropped open. “Uhhhh,” he began, trying to keep himself from stuttering like an idiot. “Thank’s…but…I…uhhhh…ummmm…well,”

William: Well, that’s mission failed, right there.

Had he been looking at himself in a mirror he would have been able to see that his face was beginning to turn red. Almost as red as his cloak that he had on.

What wolf got skinned for his cloak that had bright red fur? Come on, even if I let it pass that there might be some kind of red wolves, that’s still too bullshit to believe, author.

“Say,” Toki mused while bringing her face closer to Alex’s, eyeing the unhidden features. “You have a very handsome voice, so why don’t take the mask off? I bet you’re very handsome.” She gave him a seductive look.

Alex’s voice is whiny, don’t lie.

And that’s round two with the mask that he doesn’t have! Nathan strikes again!

*SC smacks a buzzer*

Hi, Nathan!: 11

Man,‘ Alex thought to himself. ‘what’s with this woman?

Shades: She’s clearly insane. I suggest you punch her in the tits and run while she’s out of reach of a butcher knife.

William: I’m quickly learning that it was good of me to never put Deckard up for promotion. God only knows what she would have done with more seniority in the office…

He straightened his posture and shook his head. “Believe me, lady,” he replied. “You really don’t wanna know what’s under this thing.”

Because it’s not a mask. It’s good actual face. Yes, Alex is indeed that ugly.

Shades: Tragic, innit?

“In to older women, eh?” Isaac teased as he whispered, “Guess this means, considering that the Princess Mononoke’s a lot older in your time span, you must be into in that way. Am I right?”

Wh- she’s YOUNGER than Alex! And when did Alex ever imply that he had the hots for Toki?

“Shut the heck up,” Alex whispered to Isaac, while blushing without him knowing it.

Yeah, please do, Isaac.

“Gonza,” A soft but authoritive voice called out.

Oh shit, Eboshi time.

All eyes turned towards the entry gate of Iron Town where a tall, dark-haired woman was standing. She was tall

*Alarms Blare*

William: I don’t have to actually shoot those idiots now, do I?

Nope, I’ll just drop Alex on them again.

Shades: You can do that?

Yep! Rigged Monocle’s room for that exact purpose, even. I had some pretty devious ideas for how to make Alex suffer when I brought him here, you see. Technically, the floor drop is supposed to send him to Bifocals, but if I time it right, I can close the floor hatch before he lands in the pocket dimension that is Bifocals’ laboratory.

*SC presses a button; as soon as he hears Alex scream, he quickly presses the button again, smiling as he hears a dull thud*

Alex: Oh fuck me, not these guys again!

DRD agent: Again?! So you even DIE REDUNDANTLY?! WELL, DIE AGAIN!

William: I’d send him my condolences, but I don’t care enough about him for that.

and slender, dressed in a lavish red kimono that was patterned with yellow fans, and wore a dark blue cloak draped over her shoulders. Her face was thin with high cheekbones and red-painted lips. Her eyes were dark and cold while at the same time, mysterious and alluring.

God, Eboshi is about the only main character so far that he’s described correctly.

“Bring the outlander to me, later this evening. I would like to thank him personally. And I’m sure that the Princess would love to meet him as well.” She glanced at Alex who gazed back at her with a look of bewilderment.

Shades: It took me a second to remember that Yashahime exists and that she wasn’t talking about San.

Yeah, same here. Just goes to show how little I care about Yashahime as a character, doesn’t it? I mean, my details about the movie might not be fresh in my memory, but the fact that I REMEMBER THEM should be a clue, Stone-Man85: it means I gave a shit that they happened. I don’t care about Yashahime. Hell, I probably wouldn’t care about Alex if he didn’t keep pissing me off. I still can’t be bothered to remember what color his hair is, because I don’t see it, or anything other than him being a Gary Stu fuckface, as important details.

“Toki,” she added.

“Yes, Milady?”

Milady?‘ Alex repeated in his head, wondering whether or not his Japanese was still as good as it had been in the past.

William: Did… did I just hear a chainsaw?

That would be Ghostie. She’s practicing Japanese. Kind of takes offense to people getting it wrong.

William: Gordon Bennett, mate, I think she’s trying to carve her way in! She must not know Alex isn’t in here anymore!

That, or she’s after the Button of Suffering and is just too pissed to use the door. I mean, it’s not like it’s locked or anything.

He continued to look at the elegantly dressed, and visually stunning woman standing atop the small hill. ‘Then…is she…Lady Eboshi?

Uh-huuuuuuh.

“Make sure that he is properly taken care of. I want him fed and washed before he is brought to me.”

Toki shot Alex a quick glance and grinned, “Oh, don’t worry. He’ll be in good hands, Milady.”

Toki, you’re married, remember that.

Eboshi nodded then looked down at Koroku who was still being held up by his friends. “Koroku,” she said gently, “It brings me much joy that you are alive and back with us. I am glad that you are safe, and I apologize. I should not have left you and the others the way I did. It was poor judgment on my part.”

Oh hey! I hate to jinx it, but it looks like Eboshi is her canon self! And talking sense, at that! If there’s anything Koroku’s been needing, it’s people who aren’t insane assholes.

Shades: It’s really sad that Eboshi, of all people, can be considered sane and not an arsehole in this fic.

Yeah, it is. I mean, she was driven to being a cold-hearted, maniacal bitch because of the war and Moro and San’s constant meddling in hers and her people’s lives, for crying out loud.

The ox-driver, along with almost every other person in the area, stared with amazement, “Th- thank you, Milady,” he said just above a whisper.

“Uh oh. Be careful, Milady,” Toki replied, “If you show him too much kindness, Koroku will take advantage of you. Believe me, I know. I’ve been married to the man for two years.”

Speaking of cold-hearted, maniacal bitches…

“I should apologize to you as well, Toki,” Eboshi continued, “I should not have let this happen in the first place.”

Toki shook her head and smiled, “Oh, don’t blame yourself Milady. After all… ” She gave Gonza a dirty look and smirked. “Had it not been for you, the wolves would’ve eaten the entire caravan and then we’d all have to find new husbands.”

Though I hate to credit any character of Stone-Man85’s creation, that should’ve been, “had it not been for Eboshi and Yashahime.”

Everyone laughed at this remark. Everyone except for Alex, Isaac, and Gonza who just scowled and glared with anger.

Gonza, you can’t make two expressions at the same time. Pick one and stick with it, man.

“Get some rest, Young Outlander,” said Eboshi with a smile, “I will see you later this evening.” She then turned around and walked back through the entry gate from where she had appeared.

Alex pushed his hood back, revealing his face and frowned. This was definitely another one of those turning points that he had come to dread since he had been thrown into this world. He suddenly felt the eyes of someone resting on his face. When the youth looked up he found himself facing Toki who was studying him with a slightly wicked grin.

“What?” he asked.

“I was right,” Toki replied, still wearing the same grin, “You’re not handsome… you’re gorgeous!”

Oh, fuck everything. I almost hesitate to call it ego-stroking by Stone-Man85, given how psychotic Toki is.

Next Chapter: The Curse of Nago, the God-Demon; the Ladies Eboshi and Yasha

William: Oh God, that’s how he names chapters?

Yep.

Shades: It’s like watching a man trip over his own feet.

Ain’t that the truth.

Thanks for reading, folks, and stay tuned for the next chapter! Now that I’ve fulfilled my intentions of bringing both a Fox and a William into my riffs, I can see about maybe getting Simon back in here – maybe. In the meantime, I’m SC, and on behalf of Sergeant William Striker and Detective Marina De- er, Shades, rather, I’ll see you next time!

…And no, my next guest won’t be British. I need to unwind from all the British that was in this riff!

William: Can’t say I blame you.

Shades: It does tend to have an intoxicating effect on others if you’re not careful.

~~~

On that note, here’s a couple links to websites that I picked up the British slang I used in this riff from. I feel like I used them correctly enough, but it’s hard to know for sure about mannerisms that are uncommon for me in regular conversation.

Primarily where I picked up “munter” and “Gordon Bennett”.

Primarily where I got… well, every other term that I didn’t already know.

Advertisements

38 Comments on “1251: Legendary Adventurers, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Nine, Part Three”

  1. "Lyle" says:

    William: “Pope SC.” Now there’s an interesting image.

    Those robes would be too damn big for me, tell you what.

    But you’d get to wear an awesome hat.

  2. "Lyle" says:

    Do you realize that every time you say that, Taco gets pissed to hell? I mean, he’s kind of our resident science guy, and your science has been nothing but wrong throughout this entire story so far.

    *coughs into her hand* Taco is our resident engineer and physics guru. I have a specialized biology degree and used to work in a medical field. And I’m over here foaming at the mouth at how Alex keeps making such stupid mistakes in his biology and medical knowledge. He’s not just pissing off Taco. He’s pissing off the Taco Clan.

  3. "Lyle" says:

    The compound had been built on top of a gargantuan hill of earth that rose from the waters of the lake like a giant boil, covered with hundreds pointed logs that jutted out of the ground like the thorny spines of a puffer fish.

    Pufferfish make the best walls.

    • SC says:

      I have Bifocals making puffer droids for my riffing chamber door. She has permission this time, so it SHOULD be-

      *an explosion rings out*

      I’ve been wrong before.

  4. "Lyle" says:

    land walnut shell.

    Ocean shellfish hippopotamus.

  5. GhostCat says:

    Shades: I wasn’t aware Muromachi Japan made jokes about casual adultery.

    You know, I don’t think it was a common practice amongst the people of that age.

    I found an article about marriage practices in the era, divorce and adultery weren’t uncommon so there were probably jokes about it. Still kind of tasteless.

    http://web-japan.org/tokyo/know/marriage/mar.html

  6. Ishi says:

    Alex looked up the slope and saw a burly looking man marching down towards him, flanked by two more men who looked like something you would find in one of those cheesy ninja movies.

    One feels insulted by that remark.

  7. GhostCat says:

    ‘Milady?‘ Alex repeated in his head, wondering whether or not his Japanese was still as good as it had been in the past.

    :camps in front of respawn point with chainsaw

  8. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Website/LibraryOfTheDamned

    Cain: It’s finally a thing! A very, very small thing.

    Goddess, agig, Dakota, Diesel, and all Bridge Bunnies: That’s what she said.

    Cain: Oh, fuck me. Don’t take that literally.

    • SC says:

      Hmm. Give me some time to refamiliarize myself with TV Tropes and I’ll see about editing in some more stuff.

    • leobracer says:

      May I suggest adding these tropes to the page:

      Death is Cheap: The Librarians occasionally get killed every so often. Thankfully, they have a respawn system that brings them back to life… often times wearing embarrassing outfits.

      Dude, not funny: When the riffing of the fic called ‘To Love Another Soul’ was finished, the author and the riffer revealed that it was a prank. The Librarians, and some of the readers thought it was funny. Except for the reader Leobracer who was not impressed with it being a prank. He calmed down hours later, and apologized for his behavior.

      Power Armor: The reader Leobracer has one, that looks like a miniture version of Gypsy Danger.

      Unintentionally Unsympathetic: The author of ‘Devil May Cry 4: Remake’ tried to make herself sympathetic, by saying that SC’s riffing of her fic killed her passion for writing. It didn’t work, as the Librarians and the readers did not bite into the pity cake.

      Headdesk/Facepalm: By the boat loads.

      I need a freaking drink: When Ert revealed that he was going to riff a Warhammer 40k fic by Eclipse Pheniox, Leobracer ordered a super tanker’s load of Ryncol. The Librarians from time to time do this as well.

      Wham Line: From Legendary Adventures, Futuristic Saviors – Chapter Six, Part Four: Leobracer: Well frack me sideways, this POS has a TvTropes Page.

      Drop the Hammer: Herr Wozzeck’s signature weapon is a hammer called Alma.

      There are some others that I think could also fit there, but I’ll need some time to find them.

      • "Lyle" says:

        Those sound pretty good. I’ve learned that I’m not so good with TV Tropes editing (it keeps making my browser freeze). Anyone want to work those in?

      • SC says:

        I’ve already added Wham Line. Working around to the other ones as I go.

  9. In other words, Alex, Shades faces no reprimand for any gun she chooses to shoot you with, other than the morals of her peers.

    Goddess: Morals? *Bursts out laughing*

    Cain: I have morals. Occasionally.

  10. TacoMagic says:

    “Maybe it’s releasing some sort of superhuman abilities when it thinks its host’s being threatened.

    I think it’s more likely that it’s releasing the feeling of its penis directly into your soul.

    I guess it is like I’m carrying around a symbiote and a parasite all in one neat little package.”

    You fucking science illiterate moron. You know you’re getting Horatio to the face for that one!

    *GONG GONG GONG GONG GONG GONG GONG GONG GONG GONG GONG*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s