1032: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter Three

Title: Tangled: alternative story
Author: BionicDragonSpirit
Media: Movie
Topic: Tangled
Genre: Romance / Humor
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Lyle

Hello, my lovelies!  Welcome to another installment of “Tangled: alternative story.”  This is supposed to be re-telling of “Tangled” assuming Rapunzel was never kidnapped by Mother Gothel.  However, the author seems to have forgotten that and merely moved everything into the palace but kept the rest the same.

Last time we met, Rapunzel and Eugene (introduced as Flynn, his theif-name) were in the dark, un-described tiara room.  Eugene was tied to a chair and then Rapunzel tried to feed him dinner.  She ended up smacking him with the tray and then kneeing him in his oogly-bits because he got out of his bonds and grabbed her from behind.  Rapunzel left the room and Eugene ran after her instead of taking that opportunity to flee in terror.

Before we press on, I’d like to take a moment to say that I think my biggest problem with this fic is that it actually had so much potential.  The concept isn’t really that bad.  It’s this author’s execution of it that’s piss-poor.  Within five minutes I’ve already devised a better plot for how this “what if” could have gone.  I’m highly disappointed that this is basically a regurgitation of the movie with them just in a different location.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s plough onward.

Hey, third chapter now. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Refer to chapters 2 and 1.

*headdesk*

We KNOW it’s the third chapter!  We’ve seen the fucking disclaimers in the other chapters!  STAAAAAHHPP.

A peek at this chapter shows that our author is still confused by the “new paragraph when different people talk” concept.  Mr. Sledgehammer will get his workout with this fic.

Flynn sat by the door, constantly sighing and looking at the food on the floor, which made his stomach growl. He stared at the food for a couple more minutes before he stood up and walked over to the walls of the room. He touched every inch of the wall, trying to find something to clean the food with.

Eugene got into the room somehow.  I would highly suggest he use that entrance to leave.  He has absolutely no reason to hang around to clean up the mess left from the previous chapter.

After half an hour of feeling the walls, he stumbled across a stick. He picked it up and recognized it as a broom. He reasoned to himself that if a broom was here, there must be a dustpan. He swung his hand low and collided with something. He pulled it out and, to his surprise, an actual dustpan came out. He went to sweep the food up but suddenly realized that he didn’t know how to sweep.

*opens mouth*

*snaps it shut*

*wheels out the chalkboard*

1.) How big is this room that it takes half an hour to explore the perimeter?

2.)  What did he pull the dust pan out of?  The darkness?

3.) Given that there’s a skylight mentioned in the previous chapter with enough light to see by, how did he not see the broom and dustpan in the first place?  Has night fallen?

4.) How the fuck does he not know how to use a broom?  He grew up in an orphanage.  I’m pretty sure the orphans would have had to do chores.

Curse my twenty-one years of thievery thought Flynn, as he motioned the broom around. After moments of struggle, he finally got the food it the dustpan.

Pardon me whilst I headdesk…

*THUDTHUDTHUDTHUDTHUD*

This author shows an incredibly lack of comprehension of Eugene’s backstory.

As I mentioned above, Eugene grew up in an orphanage.  He always wanted to do great things like the heroes in the books he read as a child.  He wanted to be rich.  So he turned to thieving.  It never specified the age at which he did this.  According to the actual animators of the film, Eugene is 26 years old.  If the author is correct in saying that he spent 21 years thieving, then he started down his dark path at the age of 5.  Doubtful.  Very doubtful.

“Finally” said a voice. Flynn looked up and saw Rapunzel by the door. “How long have you been standing there?” asked Flynn. “Long enough to see you struggle sweeping the floor” said Rapunzel, a sly grin growing on her face. “You can’t judge, I never learned” said Flynn, scratching the back of his head.

And considering Rapunzel should be the heir-apparent of Corona, she probably would never have used a broom in her life, either.  It’s much more logical for her to be the one that’s oblivious.

Rapunzel giggled a bit and said: “Well, you should. My father and mother are coming back tomorrow, so be prepared to meet them.”

There are two blaring problems with this.  The first, and simplest to point out, is why in the world does she want him to meet her parents?  Is this they can pass judgement on the man who trespassed and tried to steal their daughter’s crown?  The second part has to do with her parents’ arrival date.

*wheels the chalkboard back out*

1.) Her parents went “over-seas” to some unspecified place in order to deal with trade agreements, even though that’s not their job as monarchs.

2.) Sea travel is not an exact science as far as ETAs are concerned.  Unless they sailed a day away, there’s no way she would know exactly when they would get back.  The most they can tell her is to expect them within a week of a certain date.  Unless they have carrier pigeons on board the ship and they sent her one saying “We’re a day out, see you soon,” there is absolutely no possible way she would know the date of their exact arrival.

walking out of the room.

*facepalm*  That’s not a sentence.

“Your parents?” asked Flynn, before Rapunzel fully closed the door. “Ya, they’re the king and queen so no biggie” said Rapunzel, closing the door. “Wait!” shouted Flynn. He heard a click and footsteps. Slowly, the footsteps ebbed away.

Did she just lock him in the tiara room?

How did he not know her parents would be the king and queen?  I’ve ranted about this before.  He’s FROM THAT COUNTRY.  The monarchs have always been depicted as kind and beloved by their people.  He’d know who they were!

Flynn plopped back on to the chair. I’m so going to die thought Flynn, closing his eyes.

Good.  Maybe then we won’t have to read any more of this fic.

Sorry for the short chapter, next chapter may be Flynn’s decapitation. R&R.

Never apologize to your readership for the length of your chapters.  If you’d wanted it longer, you’d have made it longer.  Always behave as though you meant to write the length you meant to write.  It irks me when authors are like “Sorry it’s short!” or “Sorry if it’s too long!”  Knock it off.  No one is amused.

At least the author knows how to spell and/or use spellcheck.  She does get brownie points for that.  Most authors would have mangled “decapitation” far beyond recognizable.  *hands BDS a cookie*

I’m going to leave it at that for this week due to the length of the next chapter being significantly longer than this one.  See ya!

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17 Comments on “1032: Tangled: alternative story – Chapter Three”

  1. Tie Dye Mage says:

    2.) What did he pull the dust pan out of? The darkness?

    Maybe darkness is tangible? One way to find out.

    I cast Magic Missle on the darkness!

    ….

    Did I hit anything?

    • "Lyle" says:

      No.

      Dude, where’s the Mountain Dew?

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        In the fridge, duh.

      • The Crowbar says:

        …Where’s the fridge?

        Better yet, why is the fucking kitchen gone?!

      • Tie Dye Mage says:

        As acting DM, I’ll describe the kitchen so you can see it.

        “You walk into a seemingly normal kitchen with sparse furnishings. To your right you see an open fridge with various foodstuffs, including a six-pack of Mountain Dew next to a tuna cassarole with green fur.”

        “What do you do?”

      • The Crowbar says:

        *Shoves Tie aside and tears the cupboards doors off in an attempt to find cupcakes*

    • Tie Dye Mage says:

      “You find no cupcakes, only discarded cupcake wrappers. A goblin with chocolate smeared on it’s face jumps out and attempts to brain you with it’s club.”

  2. Eryn says:

    Sounds like the dust pan came out of his hand. Maybe he has a dust pan for one hand that he cane take on and off. Maybe our author is trying to create a Disney-DreamWorks copyright disaster over Gobber’s interchangeable hand.

    I think I just wrote a three sentence satire…

  3. GhostCat says:

    He went to sweep the food up but suddenly realized that he didn’t know how to sweep.

    :headdesk:

    I’ll take “Trite Gender Stereotypes” for $200, Alex.

    Seriously? It’s a broom. Even little kids can figure out a broom. They don’t come with instructions because brooms are not that difficult to figure out!

  4. agigabyte says:

    Dear lord. Help us all.

  5. The Crowbar says:

    Man, 21 years of thievery? One would think you’d still have enough free time to clean your house somewhere in that time-span.


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