1737: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Three, Part One

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Three
Critiqued by Angie

I’d like to apologize for last week’s riff. Because it was super super short. So, how better to make it up to you than go through another painful chapter of Brego’s Mistress? I can’t wait, and I know you can’t, so let’s get going.

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1724: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Two, Part Two

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Angie

Howdy, nerds! I’m Angie back again with another edition of Brego’s Mistress. And, y’all…I finally found a fic that I really want to get through. Like, The Girl is fine, but this one… HO BOY.

I have the entire fic saved to my phone just in case Hannah decides to take it down…which means I’ve skimmed through and…it only gets worse.

With that, let’s finish Chapter Two!

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1714: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter Two, Part One

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter Two
Critiqued by Angie

Hey all! My name is Angie, and I’d like to welcome everyone back to everyone’s favorite (???) Lord of the Rings fan fiction, Brego’s Mistress. A fic that I can only figure as a…piece of literature romanticizing fucking horses.

Or maybe it’s just Flicka with a different name slapped on the front.

Nevertheless, as I look at Hannah’s Bio, I realize that her Tumblr is lothirielqueen.

Oh dear.

*deep sigh* Let’s get going through part one of chapter two.

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1703: Brego’s Mistress – Chapter One

Title: Brego’s Mistress
Author: hannah.jpg
Media: Books
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Drama and Romance
URL: Chapter One
Critiqued by Angie

Howdy guys, gals and non binary pals! My name is Angie and today I am on a mission to prove that the Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie trilogy of all time. By…reviewing a bad Lord of the Rings fan fiction? Yeah, I don’t really get my logic either.

On my adventure through fanfiction.net, I found, to my dismay, that most LotR fics don’t really take themselves very seriously. Which is great on the surface, until you realize that most of the fics I sorted through don’t even reach the 2k mark.

Yay?

And in the midst of The Girl and the fact that my Uncle’s wake is in two days (or, depending on when this goes up, it was…two months ago?), I haven’t really been the most chipper person. But I feel like I can hopefully turn that around.

The word of the day being hopefully.

So, without further ado, let’s dive into Brego’s Mistress!

God, even that title makes me cringe. Moving on.

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1617: Profesor Lupus 2: Fighting Moudlermore – Chapters 1 and 2 (Oneshot)

Title: Profesor Lupus 2: Fighting Moudlermore
Author: KingAurthr2
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings
Genre: Mystery/Adventure
URL: Profesor Lupus 2: Fighting Moudlermore
Critiqued by The Wheel

Hello, I’m the Wheel, and I’m back with the sequel to Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf! The author, KingAurthr2, abandoned this story after only two chapters, so I can cover it in one shot. So without further ado, let’s get started!

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1584: Celebrian – Part Nine

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Celebrian
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains no rape for once. Unfortunately, it does involve random bestiality, a scientific discussion of horse anatomy, and the beginning stages of some of the most atrocious body horror you’ve likely ever seen described on purpose, which may result in extreme dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, and a lifelong aversion to ice cream. Yes, ice cream. Those of you who have seen 2 Girls 1 Cup are probably the only people prepared for this. Those of you who have not seen the aforementioned video are first advised not to look it up if you ever wish to eat again; furthermore, such persons will need to trade their complimentary Fic Sickness Bags™ for equally complimentary Fic Sickness Barrels™, both of which have been provided to us courtesy of the PCC. In case of extreme aversion to the impending body horror and character bastardization, please proceed in a shrieking, disorganized mob to your nearest fire escape. ***

[*Lyle pales, hugs her pillow, and retreats rapidly into the blanket fort’s wine cellar*

[The Booth is still littered with blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals – which is good, because it gives Kitty something soft to land on when she is bodily thrown into the Booth. As Kitty picks herself up with a grumble, it becomes clear that she is the only person in the Booth; evidently Fury has had his fill of the riff and is thus conspicuously absent. Kitty would have a replacement co-riffer along, if she would–]

Kitty: I am not inviting Avis!

[Don’t argue with the narration, Kitty. The Fourth Wall has feelings, too.]

Kitty: Go eat a dick!

[The narration politely refuses. The narration goes on to inform Kitty that Avis is the only OC in her entire repertoire who could help her with this portion of the riff without vomiting or attempting to murder Kitty for roping them into this mess.]

Kitty: Avis is literally the most despicable character in my OU. It ain’t happening. Mostly on the grounds that I’m female and he’s batshit crazy and enjoys it.

[The narration doubts he would kill the only person capable of providing him with more opportunities to be a despicable creature.]

Kitty: You’re the fat kid!

[The narration is hurt by that, Kitty. Your words hurt.]

Kitty: Q, Q, asshole, I’m doing this one solo.

Patrons, Ithalond is still recovering from our last installment, Fury has refused to come back on the grounds that he “cannot stand watching Lord Elrond Half-elven portrayed as a sex-obsessed monkey with no iota of sympathy in all his existence,” and Tarak is…

Okay, frankly, I don’t know where Tarak is. He left ages ago and I’m pretty sure he’s just gone back to murdering lackeys. Sorry.

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1583: Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf – Chapters Six and Seven

Title: Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf
Author: KingAurthr2
Media: Book/Movie
Topic: Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings
Genre: Mystery/Adventure
URL: Chapter Six
Critiqued by The Wheel

Hello, I’m The Wheel, and welcome to the final installment of my riff on “Profesor Lupus and the Curse of the Wearwolf!”

Last time, Lupus, Saruman, and McGonagall arrived at Hogwarts, only to find that the names of the school houses were different in the past, in a blatant contradiction of canon. Lupus and McGonagall were sorted into “Buffalo Charge House,” which is apparently Gryffindor, while Saruman was put in the precursor to Slytherin, “Ghost Hand House,” which makes me think of the High Five Ghost on Regular Show. The next day, Lupus and McGonagall had a Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson with a teacher who turned out to be Moldermore (Voldemort’s father) in disguise. Moldermore tried to kill Lupus, but Lupus escaped and ran to Dumbledore’s office.

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