1755: Earth to Skinny – Chapter One

Title: Earth to Skinny
Author:
CrashBurnGlobal
Media:
Cartoons
Topic:
Steven Universe
Genre:
Romance/Humor
URL:
Chapter 1
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

I have no guests with me today. I need none. Any humor in this will either be black as pitch or extremely dry. Don’t complain; it’s still Lent at the time of writing, and I tried to give up an activity I do not have the physical fortitude to give up for forty-six days.

I don’t care if that’s too much information. I’m wallowing in failure, and the only way I can think of to lift my spirits is by riffing bad fanfiction.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with one CrashBurnGlobal, yes? The lovely ficcer who graced our library with his presence and expressed a great deal of dissatisfaction with our less than impressed reception of his work?

Unfortunately for CBG, doing this drew attention to him. It elevated him from bad ficcer of the week to someone worth looking at a little more closely, and so – being a creature driven almost entirely by curiosity and spite – I did just that.

CrashBurnGlobal has written a Steven Universe fanfiction.

Poorly.

Hello, naughty ficcer. It’s riffing time.

Read the rest of this entry »

Advertisements

1742: Celebrian – Part Ten

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Celebrian
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains no rape for once. Unfortunately, it does involve random bestiality and some of the most atrocious body horror you’ve likely ever seen described on purpose, which may result in extreme dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, and a lifelong aversion to ice cream. Yes, ice cream. Those of you who have seen 2 Girls 1 Cup are probably the only people prepared for this. Those of you who have not seen the aforementioned video are first advised not to look it up if you ever wish to eat again; furthermore, such persons will need to trade their complimentary Fic Sickness Bags™ for equally complimentary Fic Sickness Barrels™, both of which have been provided to us courtesy of the PCC. In case of extreme aversion to the impending body horror and character bastardization, please proceed in a shrieking, disorganized mob to your nearest fire escape.

This riff also involves descriptions of severe bodily injury. ***

(*Lyle walks in, glances at the schedule for the day, and nopes her way right back out of the riff chamber*)

[The narration would like to introduce all of you to–]

Kitty: Shut up and set the scene, you rampaging ball of ass.

[The narration smugly lays out the scene: The blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals have been washed and rearranged so that they take up only one portion of the Booth – namely, Kitty’s half. The other half is back to normal, and occupied by Kitty’s guest riffer for this week, who lounges in one of the available chairs looking artfully bored.]

Guest Riffer: Thank you, narration. I think you can go now.

[The narration makes an exit until it is needed again.]

Read the rest of this entry »


1584: Celebrian – Part Nine

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Celebrian
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains no rape for once. Unfortunately, it does involve random bestiality, a scientific discussion of horse anatomy, and the beginning stages of some of the most atrocious body horror you’ve likely ever seen described on purpose, which may result in extreme dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, and a lifelong aversion to ice cream. Yes, ice cream. Those of you who have seen 2 Girls 1 Cup are probably the only people prepared for this. Those of you who have not seen the aforementioned video are first advised not to look it up if you ever wish to eat again; furthermore, such persons will need to trade their complimentary Fic Sickness Bags™ for equally complimentary Fic Sickness Barrels™, both of which have been provided to us courtesy of the PCC. In case of extreme aversion to the impending body horror and character bastardization, please proceed in a shrieking, disorganized mob to your nearest fire escape. ***

[*Lyle pales, hugs her pillow, and retreats rapidly into the blanket fort’s wine cellar*

[The Booth is still littered with blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals – which is good, because it gives Kitty something soft to land on when she is bodily thrown into the Booth. As Kitty picks herself up with a grumble, it becomes clear that she is the only person in the Booth; evidently Fury has had his fill of the riff and is thus conspicuously absent. Kitty would have a replacement co-riffer along, if she would–]

Kitty: I am not inviting Avis!

[Don’t argue with the narration, Kitty. The Fourth Wall has feelings, too.]

Kitty: Go eat a dick!

[The narration politely refuses. The narration goes on to inform Kitty that Avis is the only OC in her entire repertoire who could help her with this portion of the riff without vomiting or attempting to murder Kitty for roping them into this mess.]

Kitty: Avis is literally the most despicable character in my OU. It ain’t happening. Mostly on the grounds that I’m female and he’s batshit crazy and enjoys it.

[The narration doubts he would kill the only person capable of providing him with more opportunities to be a despicable creature.]

Kitty: You’re the fat kid!

[The narration is hurt by that, Kitty. Your words hurt.]

Kitty: Q, Q, asshole, I’m doing this one solo.

Patrons, Ithalond is still recovering from our last installment, Fury has refused to come back on the grounds that he “cannot stand watching Lord Elrond Half-elven portrayed as a sex-obsessed monkey with no iota of sympathy in all his existence,” and Tarak is…

Okay, frankly, I don’t know where Tarak is. He left ages ago and I’m pretty sure he’s just gone back to murdering lackeys. Sorry.

Read the rest of this entry »


1565: Aquamarine – One Shot

Title: Aquamarine
Author: CutePichu64
Media: Cartoons
Topic: Steven Universe
Genre: None given
URL: Aquamarine
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

Hello, Patrons! Kitty here, this time with a quick and hopefully completely squick-less oneshot from the Steven Universe fandom!

For those of you who either haven’t heard of this show or have avoided-slash-missed out on watching it for various reasons, Steven Universe is a cartoon show that aired its first episode on November 4, 2013 (it aired its pilot episode online on July 27, 2013.) It’s basically about a magical boy named Steven Universe who lives with magical shapeshifting lesbian rocks from space (called Gems) and who is part magical shapeshifting lesbian(?) rock himself due to his mother deciding to become part of him, since no two magical shapeshifting lesbian rocks can have the exact same gemstone (which is their actual body, while their people bodies are projections.)

Read the rest of this entry »


1544: Dora of the Rings – One Shot

Title: Dora of the Rings
Author: Jasonbobdude
Media: Television/Books/Movie
Topic: Dora the Explorer and Lord of the Rings
Genre: Poetry and Fantasy
URL: Dora of the Rings
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

I literally have no idea what the hell I am riffing today. I really don’t.

I’ve read this entire fic twice and I honestly cannot say with any certainty what this is besides a troll/crackfic. That is the only reason I have for why anyone would cross Dora the Explorer – a children’s show about learning Spanish words alongside cute adventures involving sentient hiking equipment – with a story as intense and lore-heavy as The Lord of the Rings trilogy. This may be as weird as crossing Frozen with the Dead Space series. Or The Lion King with Star Wars and the events of World War II.

So… Let’s get this thing going, shall we?

Read the rest of this entry »


1534: Celebrian – Part Eight

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Celebrian
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains some of the most horrifying rape scenes ever encountered within the halls of this Library. If dendrophilia, biastophilia, erotic humiliation, sadism, masochism, narratophilia, teratophilia, salirophilia, cum inflation, kidnapping, sexism, slavery, or victim shaming/blaming bother you even a little bit, this riff may not be for you. Step lightly, okay guys? ***

[*gurgles* – Lyle]

[Kitty ushers a very flinchy-looking Sindar elf into the Booth, keeping one hand on his shoulder and speaking very softly to him as they pick their way through the pillow-and-blanket fortress. The elf is decked out in some decidedly modern-age pajamas and is wearing a sticker that reads, “Hello! My Name Is… Obviously Ithalond”.]

Kitty: …And I need to say hi to the Patrons – that’s the group of people who will be watching this whole thing later, remember what I told you about cameras? – so don’t freak out too much, okay? And there are extra blankets and pillows near the screen.

Obviously Ithalond: [with an accent very similar to that of a native Welsh speaker] Thank you. That sounds wonderful.

Kitty: And you’re sure you want to help me with this? You just got out of there; nobody’s going to judge you if you take a few weeks or so to recover and get used to everything, first.

Obviously Ithalond: No, that’s all right. I think I would rather finish what I was made to start.

Kitty: And… about your name…?

Obviously Ithalond: I think, at least for the moment, that it may be best if I wait to change my name. It will hopefully prevent confusion among our “Patrons.”

[looking down at the sticker on his chest] Although I must ask… Is the, ah, “name tag” really necessary?

Kitty: Nah, you can toss it.

[Kitty removes the sticker. Obviously Ithalond shall now be referred to by the narration as Ithalond.]

Ithalond: Thank you.

[Ithalond sits down near the front and glances at one of the stuffed animals next to him.]

Kitty: I forgot to mention the stuffed animals. I thought they could make pretty good backup pillows, if nothing else.

[Ithalond reaches over to pluck a toy rabbit from the floor. As he does, two things become apparent: His sweater sleeves are longer than strictly necessary, and there are no hand-shaped bulges near the cuffs. Still, he manages to grab the stuffed animal with his arms with only a slight wince and settles it in his lap.]

[The narration assumes this makes him feel better.]

[The narration assumes this makes him feel better.]

Kitty: All set?

Ithalond: I believe so.

Kitty: Awesome.

Read the rest of this entry »


1508: Celebrian – Part Seven

Title: Celebrian
Author: A now-forgotten servant of Morgoth the Defiler
Media: Book
Topic: Lord of the Rings
Genre: Sacrilege
URL: Celebrian
Critiqued by KittyNoodles

*** WARNING: The following riff contains some of the most horrifying rape scenes ever encountered within the halls of this Library. If dendrophilia, biastophilia, erotic humiliation, sadism, masochism, narratophilia, teratophilia, salirophilia, cum inflation, kidnapping, sexism, slavery, or victim shaming/blaming bother you even a little bit, this riff may not be for you. Also, there’s some discussion of mutilation early into today’s section, as well as in-fic backlash against Celebrían. Step lightly, okay guys? ***

[*incoherent  gurgling* – Lyle]

[The Booth has been transformed into what is best described as a blanket-and-pillow lair. Fluffy pillows have been tossed around the floor and on top of and underneath all of the chairs, and big, soft, fluffy blankets have been draped over everything that does not have buttons to push or levers to pull. Kitty has claimed one vaguely circular pile of blankets and pillows and is swaddled in a few extra blankets; when she shifts, a thick, black nylon cord becomes visible around the base of her neck before she readjusts the blankets. Fluffy the Tiger is buried in the Kitty-cocoon and only his ears are visible. Fury is standing just above the floor and looks resigned to the mess he’s helped Kitty make of the Booth.]

Kitty: Do you think we have enough blankets? And pillows?

Fury: We have raided every room likely to have bedding material within a two mile radius of this room. I do believe we are sufficiently equipped.

Kitty: Very true.

Do you think Ithalond will want any stuffed animals? Or candy? Or maybe some stiff alcohol?

Fury: I do not believe an elvish warrior will want any stuffed toys or candies, post-traumatic stress disorder or none. And I refuse to go hunting for alcohol.

Kitty: Fine.

Patrons, I hope you all brought comfort objects of your own, because we’re all going to be needing them this time.

In our last installment, we were introduced to Ithalond, an elvish warrior from Elrond’s rescue party, who was ostensibly captured when his party ran into what must have been either a very large group of orcs or a few extremely skilled scouts.

Fury: Perhaps Ithalond himself was a scout?

Kitty: Ooooooo could be.

Ithalond’s hands have been lopped off at the wrists and his front teeth have been knocked out, but like a good, loyal warrior of Imladris, he is most concerned for Celebrían’s wellbeing, and has so far spent all of his lines trying to console Celebrían despite having already broken down into tears over his missing hands.

After that, the orc king decided to drag Celebrían out to sit in front of him for a while to… I guess look pretty while he listened to reports from his scouts.

Jabba the Hutt is not best pleased about the unsubtle shout-out.

Read the rest of this entry »